A festive holiday meal. A woman who couldn't take it anymore.
As many of us begin to gather for Thanksgiving dinners and other festive holiday events, some might feel a tad anxious. Tensions might be running high, some rooted in political differences and some just good old-fashioned bickering about how the Christmas ham should be carved. (I'm a tofurky person, myself.)
Whether it's families or even just friends, arguments big and small have a tendency to make their way to the lunch and dinner table. And according to many therapists and other experts, there are actually reasons for this difficulty in communication, especially around people we've known a long time.
In the piece "Why Can’t I Let It Go? When Trivial Arguments Trigger Strong Emotions," Elka Cubacub, MSW, writes that there are often many factors that can lead to escalation during these times. Cubacub believes there are "three underlying dynamics" that contribute to escalation, and they all similarly overlap.
- "Unmet Needs"
This is the idea that there are already some resentments that have built up. What might seem like a trivial disagreement has grown into a bigger one. She explains, "Anger and resentment are both expressions of unmet needs. When we fight about something seemingly insignificant, there's an unexpressed need beneath the surface. This might be an external need for help with housework, childcare, or other shared responsibilities. Or it might be an internal need for acceptance, love, appreciation, or respect."
- "Relational Undertones"
She explains, the "undertone defines the roles we play in relation to one another: Are we teachers, mentors, friends, colleagues, lovers, or something else? Do we see ourselves as dominant or subservient, allies or adversaries? Do we feel appreciated or rejected? Understood or alone?" This plays heavily into possibly getting triggered by what some might consider small disagreements—making it seem bigger in the moment.
- "Personal histories"
Much like the other two dynamics, personal histories heavily influence how people interact. She notes, "When an argument feels overly charged, it's helpful to ask ourselves: Where have I felt this feeling before? Who does this situation remind me of? Understanding the historical context can help us recognize why a seemingly innocuous interaction feels so heavy."
Tips on how to stay sane over the holidays. www.youtube.com, Fox 5 New York
So that can often be the "why" of it. The question then becomes, "How to navigate?" Many articles give similar advice, which is to "plan ahead" and "set boundaries." In Senior Reporter for Business Insider Katherine Tangalakis-Lippert's 2024 article. she gives that exact advice. She also quotes licensed clinical mental-health counselor Keisha Saunders-Waldron, who advises not to get thrown by one comment. Tangalakis-Lippert suggests, "When Uncle Brandon just has to make a comment, even after you've clearly said you don't want to engage, you don't have to let it derail the day."
She adds Saunders-Waldron's note: "It could be worth hashing out when we're talking about things where your value systems and core beliefs start to kick in—but if we know there is no resolution, and it's not worth ending the relationship over, then we want to agree to disagree." And while, yes, this is good advice, it's often hard to do either of those things in the heat of the moment.
Friends make a toast at the dinner table over the holidays. Giphy Friends Holiday GIF by University of Michigan
But a piece of advice mentioned in a CNBC Make It column really resonated and stood out. It's just one simple sentence that could (maybe) diffuse a tiff: "Let's focus on the things we agree on."
It's that simple and it's kind. And it works.
Contributing writer Mark Murphy notes that whether this is an argument with family and friends over the holiday, a boss, a spouse (or I'll even add a stranger on the Internet) this one sentence can help diffuse the disagreement in five seconds flat.
Murphy shares that this sentence is beneficial and it works because, "First, it ensures that we don’t get suckered into prolonging the fight. When we force ourselves to look for areas of agreement, it changes our mindset. We move from seeing a person as an enemy to seeing them as someone who’s not that different from us."
He further points out that it "deprives the angry person of additional fuel for their anger. We’ve all encountered the person who’s in a foul mood and just looking to pick a fight with anyone. But when we greet their provocations with a smile and a desire for seeking agreement, we make ourselves a very unappealing target."
So whether you're passing the gravy or cranberry sauce, the next time someone starts to bait you into an uncomfortable (and possibly unwinnable) conversation, stop and think, "What can I learn from them?" And when you bust out, "Let's focus on the thing we can agree on," you both might just find that you learn something new. At least in terms of empathy, you may connect more than you even thought possible.