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8 signs you're experiencing 'Functional Freeze,' the hidden trauma response affecting productivity

You're not lazy, just stuck.

Photo credit: Canva

You're not alone in this.

Have you ever found yourself at your desk, ticking off tasks like a robot, feeling as if you're observing your life from the outside? Or perhaps you've spent late nights binge-watching episodes of Big Brother while fully aware that you should be sleeping, yet unable to stop?

That might not be laziness or lack of motivation. You could be experiencing something called a “functional freeze,” a state that’s more common than you might realize. You're not alone in this.

woman, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed Woman looks down, dejected. Photo credit: Canva

People describe the experience of a functional freeze as “running on autopilot while simultaneously drowning.” It’s a sophisticated psychological state where individuals maintain outward functionality while experiencing profound internal emotional disconnection. On the outside, you’re getting things done—showing up to work on time, paying bills, hitting the gym—but on the inside, it’s a complete physiological and emotional shutdown, leaving you disconnected from everything. Effectively, you are functional yet frozen.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re just going through the motions of life without actually living it, keep reading. This article might change how you view what’s going on in your brain and body.

What is a functional freeze, anyway?

This phenomenon occurs when the nervous system becomes overwhelmed by chronic stress, trauma, or persistent demands, such as a demanding job, caretaking responsibilities, or financial pressures, which triggers the dorsal vagal complex: a primitive survival mechanism that induces emotional and psychological shutdown.

Think of it like your phone when it’s at 2% battery. Yes, everything technically works, but it’s sluggish, apps keep crashing, and you’re just trying to make it through until you can reach a charger. That’s your brain on functional freeze.

via GIPHY

The science behind it is fascinating and slightly terrifying. When you’re constantly stressed or overwhelmed, your sympathetic nervous system—the part of your nervous system that controls your body's 'fight-or-flight' responses—gets stuck in the “on” position.

It’s like your nervous system is playing dead, which worked great for our ancestors avoiding sabertoothed tigers, but isn’t so helpful when you’re trying to navigate modern life.

Being in this state is more than just feeling “blah” or being in a cranky mood. Functional freeze is a legitimate neurobiological response to chronic stress, and it can last for weeks, months, or even years if left unchecked.

The tricky part is that because you’re still functioning—still showing up, still getting things done—it often goes unrecognized by both you and the people around you.

8 key signs of functional freeze

You feel emotionally numb

The hallmark sign of functional freeze involves severely diminished emotional responses… all the time. You know how some people describe depression as feeling sad constantly? (Crying, can’t get out of bed, etc.) Functional freeze is more like feeling nothing at all.

woman, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed Functional freeze divorces you from emotion. Photo credit: Canva

Your best friend gets engaged, and you’re genuinely happy for her, but the emotion feels like it was auto-generated, instead of something you feel in your body. You get a parking ticket (which would normally outrage you, but this time, it’s just a shrug of the shoulders. Good things happen, bad things happen, and your emotional response is nowhere to be seen.

Feeling like this isn’t stoicism or being emotionally mature. Your feelings are locked away, stashed in a safe where you can’t access them.

Your body feels like it belongs to someone else

In a functional freeze, you become disconnected from your physical self. You might ignore hunger cues, forget to drink water, or not notice that your shoulders have been practically touching your ears from stress.

People describe it as sensations of “floating outside themselves” or feeling like they’re “watching their life happen from a distance”. It’s not quite dissociation, but you don’t feel present in your skin.

Autopilot mode

When you're a functional freeze, even simple decisions feel overwhelming. You might find yourself doing the same things over and over—same lunch, same songs to listen to, same Netflix show on repeat—not because you love these things, but because choosing feels impossible. Your struggle with decision-making is real and valid.

woman, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed Are your days starting to blur together?Photo credit: Canva

Your days start to blur together because you’re not present for any of them. You’re going through the motions, but there’s no real intentionality behind your actions.

Persistent procrastination and decision paralysis

Here’s where functional freeze gets cruel: you can handle the basics (mostly), but anything beyond survival seems insurmountable. That creative project you’ve been so excited about? The closet that needs organizing? Your friend’s birthday is inching closer and closer, and you've yet to buy a gift. They all feel like climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops.

Your brain doesn’t have the bandwidth for non-essential tasks because it’s using all its energy to keep you upright and moving.

People are exhausting, even the ones you love

Social interactions start to feel performative, like you’re playing yourself in a movie about your life. Your brain reminds you that you love your friends, but hanging out with them feels like an unavoidable obligation. You find yourself canceling plans—not because you’re busy, but because the thought of having to be “on” already exhausts you.

masks, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed People experiencing a functional freeze might feel like they're wearing a mask in social interactions. Photo credit: Canva

Functional freeze often drives individuals toward increasing social isolation, not from depression or anxiety, but from a fundamental disconnection from interpersonal experiences. Being alone starts to feel genuinely easier than trying to connect with others.

Your brain is moving through molasses

You know that feeling when you first wake up and your thoughts are all foggy? In a functional freeze, that’s pretty much your entire day. Everyday tasks take longer, information needs repetition, and mental sharpness feels sluggish and dull.

via GIPHY

Mental fog of this magnitude can be especially frustrating if you’re used to being on top of your game. You’re still competent, but everything requires more effort than it should.

You’re tired in your bones

This isn’t a “Oops, I stayed up watching Can Me If You Can too late last night,” tired. It’s a “I could sleep for 12 hours and still wake up exhausted” tired. Rest alone won’t alleviate this level of fatigue because your system is stuck in survival mode.

It’s a profound, persistent energy depletion that rest doesn’t resolve, often accompanied by a sense of being “wired but tired,” like your body is buzzing with anxious energy while simultaneously feeling like you could collapse at any moment.

Numbing behaviors feel like salvation

When everything feels too much, it’s natural to reach for things that help you check out. You might be mindlessly scrolling social media for hours, binging shows you’re not even interested in, or pouring that third glass of wine to feel something (or block out the nothingness).

These aren’t necessarily unhealthy behaviors in moderation, but in functional freeze, they become compulsive ways to avoid dealing with the disconnection you’re feeling.

woman, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed Woman feeling checked out. Photo credit: Canva

The good news: You can get unstuck

Let’s be clear: if you recognized yourself in the descriptions above, you are not broken, lazy, or weak. Functional freeze is your nervous system trying to protect you. It’s just doing a lousy job of it at this point.

Recovery isn’t about powering through or forcing yourself to feel better. It’s about gently coaxing your nervous system back online. Here’s how to start:

Start with the breath. Your breath is the fastest way to communicate with your nervous system, and it’s one of the few things you can control when everything else feels chaotic. Try the 4-7-8 technique: breathe in for four counts, hold for seven, exhale for eight.
Get back in your body. When you’re stuck in functional freeze, gentle movement can help reconnect you with your physical self. Try stretching, gentle yoga, or even just shaking your body like you’re a dog getting out of water (shaking helps discharge stored stress energy. Animals do it naturally after escaping predators.)
Make tiny decisions. Since decision-making feels overwhelming in a functional freeze, start embarrassingly small. Choose between two of your favorite snacks. Pick which song to listen to. Decide whether to wear the blue shirt or the black one. These micro-decisions help rebuild your executive functioning without overwhelming your already taxed system.
Create anchors in the day. When everything feels blurry and autopilot-y, small rituals can help you feel more present. Maybe it’s consciously tasting your morning coffee instead of chugging it. (Is that a note of hazelnut, you detect?) Or stepping outside for five minutes after lunch and breathing in the fresh air, no screens allowed. These aren’t life-changing habits—they’re just little moments where you pause and notice you exist.
Find professional help. Look for practitioners who understand trauma-informed care, somatic experiencing, or polyvagal theory. These approaches work with your nervous system rather than just trying to think your way out of the problem. EMDR, somatic experiencing, and trauma-sensitive yoga can be beneficial because they address the physiological aspects of being stuck, not just the mental ones.

woman, smiling, therapy, connection, feelings Remember, you are not alone. Photo credit: Canva

You’re not alone

If you’re struggling with functional freeze, remember that you are not alone. In our hyperconnected, always-on world, functional freeze has become nearly epidemic. We’re all trying to fit into an overstimulated society that isn’t designed for the human nervous system.

The fact that you’re reading this, that you’re looking for answers and ways to feel more alive in your own life—that’s already a step toward unfreezing. Your awareness is the beginning of change.

Your feelings are still there, waiting for you to come back to them. And when you’re ready, they’ll be there to welcome you home.

From Your Site Articles

mental health

Ask anyone who has lost a loved one — grief creeps up at the most random times.

It doesn’t matter how many months or years it has been, all it takes is one second for those memories and heartache to rush back. For me, all it took was an awkward moment to remind me that grief never goes away.

I was recently at a routine appointment. As the woman walked into the room, she smiled and said, “How are the kids?” I gave her a puzzled look, wondering if I heard her correctly. As a mother of one surviving triplet, I’m not used to hearing the plural form of “kid.” She repeated herself and that’s when I realized — she didn’t know that two of my children died.

My heart began to race and my breathing became faster as I explained that Abby and Parker had passed away within two months of being born. The tears erupted as my mind instantly flashed back to three years ago, when I said my final good-byes to two of my children.

Image via Christian Haugen/Flickr.

The woman felt terrible and rushed up to hug me. As awkward as I felt, I know she must have been mortified. It was the epitome of a “foot in mouth” moment, and here I was, a grieving mother brought to tears.

I left the office in a daze, my mind stuck on that awkward dialogue.

During the first year after my triplets were born, that was a common question. Some people weren’t aware that two of my babies had died and often asked how the triplets were doing.

Because it’s been three years, this time caught me off guard. I assumed most people knew my situation, or if they didn’t, they thought Peyton was an only child. I may have been surprised by the conversation, but I wasn’t mad or upset. All it takes is a simple mention of my children to bring me to tears. That’s part of living life after loss: the grief never goes away. We may moved forward in life, but we never forget. I wear those tears with pride, a sign that a piece of my heart will always be with Abby and Parker.

There is no perfect handbook on how to grieve the loss of a child.

The same goes for comforting a grieving parent. While a simple hug can go a long way, I was more comforted that day by how the conversation ended between me and the woman.

After mentioning that I only had one survivor, the woman went on to ask about my two angels. She repeated their names as I told her about sweet Abby and her peaceful face. And she listened intently as I shared stories of Parker and Peyton in the NICU. She asked about Peyton and I happily shared how strong and healthy she is today, a far cry from her NICU days.

I may have cried at my appointment, but I left that office with a full heart. As parents who've lost a child will tell you, one of the most comforting things people can do is to say your child’s name. Hearing the woman say “Abby” and “Parker” was a beautiful reminder that they existed, and sharing stories of them warmed my heart.

When I explain to people that my daughter is actually a triplet, their smile turns to shock before a sad look takes over their face.

It’s a common expression that I’m accustomed to seeing. A parent is not supposed to outlive their child, and when people realize that I’m the parent of two angels, it often becomes uncomfortable for them. Grief is a hard topic to talk about, especially when it involves the death of a child.

The awkward encounter I faced is something so many of us parents of pregnancy and child loss experience and it’s something I know I will face often in my lifetime.

While it can stir up emotions and memories that have been tucked away for years, there is something positive that can come out of it. I like to think that each time I’m asked about my children, it’s a sign from above. It’s Parker and Abby’s way of saying, “Hi, Mom,” from heaven. And while the other person may feel uncomfortable, they are actually giving me the best gift of all: the gift of remembering and embracing my children who are no longer here on Earth.

From Your Site Articles

It's like conjunctional empathy, and it happens to all of us.

This post was originally published on Wait But Why.

I have a new word for you: cluey. Let me explain.

My father once told me a mundane little anecdote from his youth. It involved his father — my late grandfather — and one of the happiest and most loving people I’ve ever known.

One weekend day, my grandfather went to the store and brought a new board game home for the family: Clue.

He excitedly asked my father and his sister (who were 7 and 9 at the time) if they wanted to play. They did. They joined him at the kitchen table as he opened up the game, read the instructions, explained to them how to play, divided up the cards, and put all the pieces where they go.

Just as they were about to start, the doorbell rang. It was the neighbor kids, who said they were on their way outside to play some outdoor game they all used to play. Without a second thought, my dad and aunt jumped up from their seats and left with their friends.

A few hours later, they came back to the house. The game had been put back in the closet.

At the time, my dad didn’t think much of it — pretty normal day in their lives. But later on, he found himself remembering that day, and he always felt bad about it. He pictured his father sitting there at the table, now alone, with all the cards and pieces laid out. He pictured him waiting for a little while before accepting that it wasn’t gonna happen, then collecting all the pieces and cards he had laid out, putting them back in the box, and putting the box back in the closet.

Pretty random story for my dad to tell me, right? The reason he did was because it was part of a conversation where I was trying to articulate a certain thing I suffer from.

I feel incredibly bad for certain people in certain situations — situations in which the person I feel bad for was probably barely affected by what happened.

It’s an odd feeling of intense heartbreaking compassion for people who didn’t actually go through anything especially bad.

When I explained this, my dad said, “I know what you’re talking about,” and offered up the Clue story. Devastating. My grandfather had been excited about playing, and he was being such a good, loving dad, and he ended up let down and disappointed. He sat there all by himself with the game board, and finally, he put all the cards and pieces back in the box because no, the game wasn’t happening anymore because his kids would rather play with their friends than him.

My grandfather fought in World War II. He probably lost friends. He probably shot people. He might have been shot himself, who knows. But the image of him quietly putting all the Clue pieces back in the box? That’s not fucking OK. And now, thanks to my dad sharing this memory, I live every day haunted by this image:

All images here used with permission from Wait But Why.

It’s not just my dad doing this to me.

Tell me how I’m supposed to handle this fucking story, where the grandfather made 12 burgers for six grandkids and only one showed up.

Full Clue situation. And the story includes the clueyest picture I’ve ever seen:

Image from Kelsey Harmon/Twitter.

As I read the story, I started picturing this nice fucking man buying all the ingredients in the grocery store, in a good mood with anticipation for the night, then coming home and making each of the 12 patties by hand — maybe even adding carefully-thought-out spices into them — toasting the buns and timing everything to be done at just the right time. He even made homemade ice cream. Clue up the dick. It continues, if you imagine what happened at the end of the night. Either he wrapped up eight uneaten burgers, one by one, and put them in the fridge, ensuring that he’s later reminded of the rejection each time he heats one up to eat it, or even worse, he just threw them in the trash.

And then there’s this story of an 89-year-old grandmother, who got dressed nicely and put her paintings up for display at an art showing, and guess what? No one fucking came. Then, according to one of her grandchildren, she packed up her paintings and drove home, feeling “foolish.” You know what that is? It’s cluey as hell. Especially the word foolish, in particular. I really don’t need this in my life.

Movies know all about clueyness and use it to their advantage.

Remember that super cluey old man neighbor in "Home Alone"? Who was so nice and lonely and misunderstood? The writers literally invented him to inflict clueyness on the audience so they could then release the burden of that clueyness at the end by showing him in happy reunion with his family. Cheapest trick in the book.

Clueyness doesn’t only apply to old people. One time, about five years ago, I was in a bad mood and in a rush when I hastily walked out of my apartment building. A FedEx man was standing outside the building with his cart of packages, and he wanted to get in so he could leave the packages on top of the communal mailbox (I assume the package recipient wasn’t home, so he had had no luck being buzzed in). As I walked out, he reached for the door as it closed behind me, but it shut before he could grab it. After the door relocked, he let out a frustrated exhale, and then he turned to me and asked, “Can you please open the door so I can drop these off?” I was already 10 steps away though and late, so I said, “Sorry I can’t right now” and turned back toward where I was going. Before I did, I briefly saw his reaction to my refusal to help. He had the face on of a nice person who the world had been mean to all day. The snapshot of that dejected face he made bothered me more and more throughout the day, and now it’s five years later, and I still think about it.

If someone asks me what my biggest regret is, I have to lie because how weird would it be if I answered, “The FedEx man incident. I’m a monster.”

Clueyness is a strange phenomenon.

My grandfather probably forgot about the Clue incident an hour after it happened. The FedEx man probably forgot about what I did to him five minutes later. I got cluey about a dog the other day, when he was super excited to play and I was busy and nudged him away with my foot, and he looked at me confused and taken aback and then went to the side of the room and laid down. The weight of my heartache in these cases outweighs the actual tragedy like 10,000:1.

But knowing that it’s totally irrational doesn’t make clueyness any less excruciating —something I’m reminded of every time my night is ruined by post-Uber-ride-when-the-friendly-driver-tried-to-start-a-conversation-and-I-wasn’t-in-the-mood-so-I-gave-curt-answers-until-he-finally-got-the-hint-and-then-felt-embarrassed-and-stopped guilt.

I’m just destined for a life of feeling cluey about things. But at least I can take solace in a little headline I came across:

Sad Papaw No Longer Sad: Thousands Wait in Line for Burgers at His Cookout

Family

Sadness and depression can be easily confused. These 10 tweets show there's a difference.

It's very common to not know the difference between sadness and depression.

We all get sad once in a while. When that happens, some of us take to social media to let the world in on our sorrows.

While some may take that like a virtual invitation to a one-person pity party, others may interpret it as someone who genuinely needs to vent about feeling down and out.

Image by iStock.

The hashtag #IGetDepressedWhen was unleashed and started trending on Aug. 31.

At first, users took to the hashtag with silly and essentially harmless commentary. One user tweeted, "#IGetDepressedWhen I open my paycheck."

Another read, "#IGetDepressedWhen I go to the fridge with my cup ready in hand to fill it with some quality koolaid but the pitcher is empty in the fridge."

These types of tweets struck a nerve with people who felt depression was being trivialized.

The discussion quickly took a telling turn from witty confessions about mild inconveniences to more serious discussions about the difference between feeling sad and being clinically depressed.

Here are 10 tweets that stood out in the conversation:

1. Some didn't like the word "depressed" being used so casually.

2. Or that a disease was being referred to as an emotion.

3. Or were feeling like Liv...

4. Others like Alex Phillips were put off by the trending hashtag — period.

Users like @GennaBain, @autwizzle, and @biebersjuarez, agreed.

5. Many wanted to make sure depression was being taken seriously.

6. Because it's NOT a joke.

7. By pointing out depression is not a choice.

8. Even suggesting perhaps a more fitting hashtag.

9. Or asking that the word "depression" not be used willy-nilly.

10. And a simple yet powerful reminder to have compassion and not turn this mental disorder into a joke.

There is a difference between feeling sad and being clinically depressed.

We tend to associate depression with its primary symptom (sadness), so for a lot of us, it's difficult to tell the difference.

Scientifically speaking, the difference is depression is a result of a chemical imbalance. People diagnosed with this mental disorder have less seratonin neurotransmitters, which produce what are often referred to as the "feel-good chemical."

But there are other factors. Genetics, stress, medications, or other health issues can also contribute to someone developing this neurological disease.

Image by iStock.

These Twitter reactions were a great reminder that we should think twice before claiming we're depressed when we could just be having a bad day.

Sure it's a go-to term for a lot of people who are bummed about something fleeting, but maybe by avoiding using it so sparingly, we can also avoid hurting each other's feelings.

To be clear, everyone's feelings deserve to be acknowledged and validated. Above all, this thread is a comforting reminder that if you suffer from this mental disorder, you're definitely not alone.

From Your Site Articles

How are sadness and depression different? - Upworthy ›

Even without seeing tragedies firsthand, it’s still likely that most of us are grieving.

Last Sunday night, my fiancé and I went to an early evening viewing of "Ghostbusters."

We grabbed our snacks, settled into our seats, the lights dimmed, and then the standard pre-movie reminder about "noticing which exits are around you in case of emergencies" was announced. And I felt a wave of panic grip me.

"What on earth is this about?!" I thought to myself shakily.

Taking some deep breaths, I put on my therapist hat and suddenly remembered 2012’s "Dark Knight" shooting in Colorado and 2015’s "Trainwreck" shooting in Louisiana.

Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images.

My panic was tied to a subconscious fear of being in danger at a movie theater.

It was a very real stress response to the seemingly endless violence and tragedy I've been seeing on the news.

And it was especially poignant for me after watching mass shootings on the news in recent years and the past few weeks, many of which have taken place in otherwise "safe," contained environments like dance clubs, concert venues, cafés, McDonald's, traffic stops, and churches.

In fact, scientists now know that this is pretty common. Being exposed to violent news events via social media can cause us to experience symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

According to a 2015 paper from The British Psychological Society:

This phenomenon is called "vicarious trauma."

It is something that helpers like psychotherapists, social workers, doctors, and aid workers (among others) often deal with as an occupational hazard from being exposed to the repeated violent or traumatic stories of those they serve.

But because of everyone’s constant exposure to terrible events on the news these days, all of us are at a heightened risk for experiencing vicarious trauma, no matter where we are.

So those feelings you have after watching the news these days? The numbness, the apathy, the persistent anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness? Those are all normal. You’re probably experiencing grief.

"Vicarious grief" might look familiar to you because you've probably seen the stages of it in your news feed: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

This five-step process of grieving is sometimes called the Kübler-Ross model after the pioneering grief work of Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. And now, social media has given us all a way to see and express our individual and collective grief in public.

Photo via iStock.

Here’s what I mean:

Scrolling through our feeds, we’ve all inevitably seen people express sentiments of shock, disbelief, and denial about yet another mass shooting, another incident of police brutality against unarmed black men, another horrific hostage situation, or a frustrating election cycle.

Denial can be seen when hashtags emerge and trend; shock is expressed, and disbelief is shared.

Anger, the second stage of grief, can be seen when a social media wave of anger breaks across our smartphones and laptops. We see and feel anger over someone who was taken away too soon from us, and we feel anger that we live in a world where traumatic news weeks are the norm, not the exception.

Changing profile pictures and banners, sharing and signing petitions, making donations and sharing articles of thought leadership — all of this can allow us to use social media take some kind of action, however small. For many of us, this can help to counter the inevitable feelings of helplessness and hopelessness these traumatic events can trigger. This, in essence, is bargaining — an attempt to take action to avoid encountering bad things again.

And as for depression and acceptance? Perhaps these stages of grief are less visible online. Often, depression can look more like what you might be feeling this week — perpetual feelings of apathy, numbness, and hopelessness. Perhaps depression looks, for you, like avoiding all media consumption. Or maybe it even looks like an increased sense of irritability and weariness in your own life.

As for acceptance, it’s debatable whether or not that’s even possible online or off these days given the never-ending series of tragedies. My hope is that we’ll get there.

Grief — whether online or off — is not clear cut. It’s not compartmentalized.

The people who were present at a traumatic event will experience grief and trauma differently than the rest of us will as secondary witnesses.

But without seeing an event firsthand, it’s still likely that most of us are grieving the tragedy, terror, and loss of direction that is 2016. You are allowed to have, and to share, those feelings.

Plus, grieving online is a new phenomenon: It is complex, multilayered, and often unconscious, and it looks far more like a tangled wire ball than a linear line of conscious emoting.

So what’s to be done, then, about the state of things?

We live in challenging, hyper-connected times. Social media is at the core of many of our interactions, if not constantly in our hands.

What’s the balance to strike when it comes to using social media to stay informed and to grieve in this new digital age while being mindful of how strongly this can affect our own emotional well-being?

As a therapist, I’d like to recommend that you practice self-care, get support from those who love you, seek out help from professional mental health experts when you need it, and remember that watching these events from afar can affect you.

As you work through your own grief, as you make your way toward acceptance, as you take action against the difficult things you’re seeing, and as you scroll through Facebook before bed, please take very good care of yourself, online and off.

Feel what you feel. Share what you need to share. You are worth it.

From Your Site Articles

As we help people cope with chaos and uncertainty, therapists are struggling too - Upworthy ›

10 days before my wedding, my brother lost his fight with pediatric bone cancer.

It was my wedding day.

I stood outside the doors to the chapel. My heart was racing, and I felt my eyes fill up with tears.

I can’t do this.

Before I could turn and run, the doors flung open. I was caught off guard as 80 expectant faces turned to look at me. I scanned the crowd. I saw my family and friends. I saw my dad and stepfather waiting in front of the altar to give me away. But I was going to have to walk down the aisle alone, and that was not how it was supposed to be.

I don’t know how long I paused there. I felt like I couldn’t move.

Then my eyes found my future husband, Joe. And right next to him, I saw a single candle burning on a tall candelabra. Gulp. I looked back at Joe and decided that if I could make it down the aisle to him, I’d be OK.

I felt as if my knees might buckle, but somehow I began walking. It was surreal. I felt as if I were floating, but I eventually made it down the aisle.

Me and my husband-to-be on my wedding day. All photos from the author and used with permission.

18 months earlier, my 16-year-old brother was diagnosed with a rare pediatric bone cancer.

The diagnosis was grim. The prognosis was not good. He was quick to rally. He was going to be fine. He was going to live his life. He was still planning a future. He packed a lot of living in a short time.

10 days before my wedding, he lost his fight.

Now, I look back and I don’t know how my family and I made it through both a funeral and a wedding in such a short span of time, but we did. There would be no postponing of the wedding as I’d suggested. Every single member of my family told me in no uncertain terms that my brother would never want me to put it off. He always said he "didn’t have time for cancer." He didn’t let it stop him from doing the things he wanted to do, and he would be highly pissed if I let cancer stop my wedding.

So, even though we were still in a state of shock, we had a wedding. There were tributes to my brother throughout the wedding, including the single candle that stood where he was supposed to stand as a groomsman. We read a beautiful poem in his memory during the ceremony. We played his favorite song at the reception. And we danced. And we drank. And, inexplicably, we had fun.

15 years have passed since that day.

15 years and I’m still trying to figure out how to move through life without him. 15 years and I’m still learning about how this "after part" works.

A school picture of my brother.

I would gladly trade the things I’ve learned to have my brother back, but I learned a long time ago that bargaining doesn’t work. So usually, I choose to appreciate the lessons I’ve learned instead.

1. I’ve learned to cut people some extra slack.

You really don’t know what people are going through. You don’t know what they have endured. You don’t know what battles they may be fighting.

There were the times during my brother’s illness when I would find myself driving 15 mph in the left lane. I’d be lost somewhere between grief and exhaustion, and I would arrive home with no idea how I got there. There were times when I’d look up distractedly at the grocery store, only to realize that I’d been standing in the middle of the aisle, lost in thought, for 10 minutes.

I used to be the person who honked impatiently and threw dirty looks as I zoomed past a slow driver, but not anymore.

Now I know what it's like to really have a bad day, to be so lost in a world turned on its head that you’re completely unaware of your surroundings. I learned that we all have bad days. Some of us have really bad days. Most of us are just trying to make it to tomorrow.

2. I’ve learned that true compassion and grace are about suspending judgment.

Over and over, I saw that real compassion is giving people the benefit of the doubt: granting them access, assisting them when you don’t know them, being patient and kind even when you don’t know what they're actually going through.

If you have to know the behind the scenes? If you have to know their story in order to be kind? If your kindness is based on an assessment of their pain and if it is conditional? Then it’s not truly kindness; it’s just judgment.

I didn’t get this before. I wasn’t cruel, and I wasn’t mean-spirited, but I was impatient and I was easily irritated. That was before I realized the depths in which people can be trapped while still looking completely normal to the rest of the world.

3. I’ve learned that comfort sometimes comes from unexpected places.

There are people who had a huge impact on me, who helped me through difficult times, and they probably don’t even know the significance of their actions.

Sometimes, for me, it was the soft-spoken coworker who offered me a hug as I was leaving to meet my family at the hospital. He was shy and reserved, but he wrapped me in a big bear hug when I was overcome with emotion. I knew this small gesture was not easy for him to give, but his effort to offered me solace.

In another moment, that solace came from my brash, loud, jokester boss who let me take off as much time as I needed to be with my brother at the hospital. Another time, it was my friend from work who calmly assured me that I would feel joy again after I tearfully confided my fear and pain to her. And often, solace came from my husband’s brother and my sister-in-law, who drove 12 hours to attend my brother’s memorial service.

I learned that an act of kindness, no matter how small, is never wrong. Sometimes it’s the thing that can help someone put one foot in front of the other.

4. I’ve learned that I can still, even 15 years later, be blindsided by the cruel reality of it all.

Sometimes I’ll be sitting at my kid’s swim practice when a memory knocks the wind out of me. The next thing I know, I’m wiping away tears and hoping no one notices.

Sometimes I’ll be eating dinner at a restaurant and the waiter might look just like my brother. I’ll feel the loss and pain take over and overwhelm me. And in these moments, I’m always surprised at the cruel force of grief’s ability to blindside me.

Sometimes I'll see him when my kids do something especially mischievous, and my thoughts unwillingly flicker to images of my brother, to memories of the antics of a little boy long ago.

Me and my brother as young children.

Then, I start imagining what could have been: him egging them on, encouraging their exasperating behavior. And I can almost hear him laughing, enjoying every second of finding a way to torture me as an adult like he did as a little kid.

You can bottle yourself up and try to insulate yourself from it, but let me tell you: It’s not going away, so you might as well let it happen. You’ll feel it, you’ll hurt, but I’ve learned that you’ll also be OK. You will be OK.

5. I’ve learned that I’ll probably feel my brother’s presence forever.

I'll still see him in each of my children, in their personalities, in their senses of humor, which is what my brother was known for.

I'll still feel him when my family is together and my sister and my parents are laughing and we’re giving each other a hard time. I often feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I feel a warmth come over me, a warmth hard to describe because it’s unlike any sensation I’ve felt before.

And I hope I'll still feel him, forever, kicking me in the ass when I’m about to chicken out on doing something that scares me. I can almost hear what he would say to me in those situations: Don’t give up. You’re better than that.

I’ve learned to recognize these moments, when I feel him with me. They are bittersweet. They are welcome. And they tug at my heart because they will never be enough.

6. What I’ve realized most of all, after all of these years, is that there didn’t need to be a replacement for my brother.

When we knew, in those last weeks, that it would not be possible for him to walk me down the aisle, I contemplated other options. But in the end, I decided there was no understudy, and there would be no last minute stand-in. I couldn’t imagine replacing him in that role.

And as always, even though my brother wasn't physically there, he showed up. He kicked me in the ass a little and told me not to be scared. He reminded me that I didn’t have time to let my pain stand in the way of my wedding, my happiness.

Me and my husband walking down the aisle after our marriage ceremony.

In the end, my brother was still there with me on one of the best days of my life because he always has been.

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Family

13 usually unspoken tips if your loved one struggles with depression.

If you love a person who has depression, you'll want to remember these things.

1. Depression is not a choice.

Depression is one of the most helpless and frustrating experiences a person can have. It’s sometimes feeling sad, sometimes feeling empty, and sometimes feeling absolutely nothing at all. There are times when depression can leave someone feeling paralyzed in their own mind and body, unable to do the things they used to love to do or the things they know they should be doing. Depression is not just a bad day or a bad mood, and it’s not something someone can just “get over.” Remember: No one chooses to be depressed.

Photo via iStock.

2. Saying things like “it’ll get better,” “you just need to get out of the house,” or “you’ll be fine” doesn't help.

It’s easy to tell someone these things because you think you’re giving them a solution or a simple way to make them feel better and ease their pain. But these kinds of phrases almost always come across as empty, insulting, and essentially meaningless.

In fact, saying these phrases only creates more tension within, making people feel as though they’re inadequate, and like you’re not acknowledging what they’re going through by trying to put a Band-Aid on a much larger issue. They understand you’re just trying to help, but these words will only make them feel worse. A silent hug can do so much more than using cliched sayings. What you can say instead:

Avoid offering advice, but instead just let them know you’re there for them and ask them questions to help guide them in discovering what could make them feel better.

3. Sometimes they have to push you away before they can bring you closer.

People who suffer from depression often get frustrated with feeling like they’re a burden on other people. This causes them to isolate themselves and push away people they need the most, mentally exhausting themselves from worrying about whether they’re weighing down their loved ones with their sadness. If they become distant, just remember to let them know you’re still there, but don’t try to force them to hang out or talk about what’s going on if they don’t want to.

4. You’re allowed to get frustrated.

Just because someone deals with depression doesn’t mean you have to cater to all of their needs or walk on eggshells when you’re around them. Depressed people need to feel loved and supported, but if it begins to negatively affect your life, you’re also allowed to acknowledge this and figure out how to show them love and kindness without self-sacrificing.

Photo via iStock.

5. It’s important to discuss and create boundaries.

In those moments of frustration, it’s important to take a step back and look at how you can help the depressed person while also maintaining your own sense of happiness and fulfillment. Be patient. Talk to them about your concerns and explain the boundaries you need to create within your relationship. Find out something that works for both of you.

6. They can become easily overwhelmed.

Constant exhaustion is a common side effect of depression. Just getting through the day can be an overwhelming and exhausting experience. They may seem and look totally fine one moment, but in the next moment feel tired and have no energy at all, even if they’re getting plenty of sleep every night. This can result in canceling plans suddenly, leaving events early, or saying no to things altogether. Just remember that it’s not about anything you did. It’s just one of the prevalent side effects of living with the disease.

7. It’s not about you.

When you have a loved one dealing with depression, it can be difficult to understand what they’re going through and to consider how their sadness is a reflection of your relationship with them. If they need space or become distant, don’t blame yourself and wonder how you could do things differently to heal them. Understand their depression is not about you.

8. Avoid creating ultimatums, making demands, or using a “tough-love” approach.

Telling someone that you’re going to break up with them or not talk to them anymore if they don’t get better is not going to magically cure them of their illness. They won’t suddenly become the person you want them to be just because you’re tired of dealing with their problems. It’s a personal decision to walk away from someone if their issues become too much for you and your relationship with them, but thinking the "tough-love" approach will make them better is unrealistic and manipulative.

9. They don’t always want to do this alone.

It's easy to assume people dealing with depression want to just be left alone. While there may be times when they want their space, that doesn’t mean they want to face their fears alone. Offer to take them on a drive somewhere. Ask if they want to get coffee or a meal. One-on-one time when you can bring them out of their routine and connect with them can mean everything to them.

Photo via iStock.

Reach out to them unexpectedly. Remind them they don’t have to do this alone.

10. Try not to compare your experiences with theirs.

When someone is going through a rough time, we often want to share our own stories with them to let them know we've gone through something similar and can relate with their struggle. When you say something like, “Oh yeah, this one time I was depressed too...” it only makes them feel like you’re minimizing their pain. Express empathy, but don’t suppress their feelings. The greatest resource you can share with your friend is your ability to listen. That’s all they really need.

11. It’s OK to ask your friend where they are in their feelings.

How are they really feeling, and how are they coping with their depression? Suicidal thoughts are a common occurrence for depressed people. It’s OK to directly ask them how they're practicing self-care and to come up with a safety plan for times when their depression becomes too overwhelming.

12. Schedule time to spend together.

Offer to spend time with them once or twice a week to exercise, shop, or hang out together. Ask if you can cook dinner with them and plan a friend date.

Photo via iStock.

One of the hardest parts of depression is feeling too exhausted to cook healthy meals, so you can really help them out by cooking food they can store in their fridge or freezer for later.

13. Just because someone is depressed doesn’t mean they’re weak.

In his book "Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholia," author Eric G. Wilson explores the depths of sadness and how experiencing mental anguish can actually make us more empathetic, creative people. Although he explains the difference between depression and melancholia, he rejects the idea of inflated happiness that our culture and society is obsessed with and instead explains why we reap benefits from the darker moments in life.

Wilson writes:

In a similar manner, psychiatrist and philosopher Dr. Neel Burton discusses in his TEDx Talk that some of the most influential and important people in history have experienced depression. He explains the way our culture looks at and treats depression, and how traditional societies differed in their approach, seeing human distress as an indicator of the need to address important life problems, not a mental illness.

It’s important to remember depression is not something that should be considered shameful, and experiencing it doesn’t make someone weak or inadequate.