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A viral post helps explain what to say - and what not to say - to a parent who has lost a child.

A viral post helps explain what to say - and what not to say - to a parent who has lost a child.

Hope's Seed

No parent can prepare for the death of a child, and no one can take away the pain and grief that comes with such tragedy.

We try, though, bless us. We try so hard to say the right thing, to offer words of hope or support, to take even a fraction of the pain away from our loved ones who have endured every parent's nightmare.

We try, but we fail. Because there's really nothing you can say to a mother or father who has had to bury a child, especially if you haven't experienced it yourself. There are no magic words that can heal such a wound.

I promise, all of those words we think might help fall woefully short. We can honestly say, "I can't imagine," because we can't. Most of us won't even allow ourselves to try to imagine it.


I have friends and family who have lost children—to accidents, to suicide, to disease—and words fail me every time. I put words together for a living, but never feel like I have the right ones for moms and dads grieving the loss of a child.

12-year-old makes and donates bow ties to help shelter animals find their forever homes.

A powerful message to bereaved parents, written by Susi Costello and originally published as "What I Wanted to Say" on the website A Bed for My Heart, drives home how inadequate language is under such circumstances:


"Today I wrote a note to a bereaved mother. I wanted to say don't believe all those sympathy cards. The ones that say "time heals" and "God only takes the best" and "may your sorrows be lessened." You'll only be disappointed. I wanted to say this is the most heart-wrenching, chest crushing, breath stealing tragedy on earth. I wanted to tell her there will be days she wants to die, and friends who will not understand some of the things she does or says.

I wanted to tell her she will still feel her child's presence at times, sometimes so strongly that it is as if they are dancing just at the edge of whatever activity is going on. And other times she might not feel their presence at all.

I wanted to tell her that her life will not go back, that she will never be the same, because a piece of her left with her child. And that even though the pain does not go away, somehow her soul will eventually make enough room so she can hold it all– the grief, the pain, the joy and the love.

I wanted to tell her… but I didn't. Instead, I wrote this: I'm sending love, for words are pointless right now. And that is the truth."

When we don't have the words, it's okay to say so. In fact, it's often preferable to offering platitudes and cliched phrases that we think sound inspiring or helpful. A child's death is not the time for quotes you might put on a meme. It's not the time to preach or to tell a parent that it will get better. That doesn't mean you shouldn't say anything—grieving parents definitely need support—but acknowledging their pain and offering to sit with them in their grief may be more helpful than trying to offer words of hope or inspiration.

Beth Halleck, a mom who lost her son Galen to suicide when he was 15, told Upworthy the most helpful words came from those who shared that they had been through the death of a child or suicide of a loved one. But she also said that one wordless act stood out to her.

"The most powerful communication of compassion and understanding was completely anonymous," Halleck said. "Someone mailed us a gift card to the local grocery store: no name, no return address. They made it impossible for us to feel any sense of obligation/responsibility/expectation/burden to express our thanks. This person understood how even the simplest social norm of thanking for a donation, flowers, or food can add to the sense of feeling overwhelmed by the simple act of being alive. Weeks later when I pulled the gift card out of my wallet at the check-out, it was all I could do to hold back the tears of grief—and gratitude."

We need to fundamentally reexamine how new moms are cared for after childbirth.

My friend Krista's son Griffin was struck by a car and killed during his freshman year of college. She told Upworthy, "The most helpful thing has just been people who showed up. They didn't wait for me to ask, they didn't say, 'Let me know if you need anything.' They provided support unconditionally from minute one. The people that STILL talk about him, that bring him up and say his name, that tell stories, or send photos with just a quick 'this reminded me of Griffin.' That has been the most helpful."

Krista said she attended a school function for one of her younger kids shortly after the accident and the high schoolers' responses were perfect. "Most of them said something along the lines of 'I don't even know what to say, but we love you.' THIS! THIS was amazing. These 16-year-olds who had the courage to face it, to join it, to feel it with us blew me away. I have had adults that have completely pulled away from me, as if its too painful for them."

She added that people have equated her loss with their own loss of a pet, or with their not being able to see their child on a holiday because they were sick. Yeesh. Yeah, don't do that.

"Also, I have had a large number of people that either A) have never mentioned it to me and just carry on as if nothing happened, which is so weird, or B ) have literally avoided eye contact with me from the first time I saw them post-accident," she said. "They turned away from me and didn't even acknowledge I was standing there, as if it were contagious. These have been the most hurtful, as if he didn't exist."

She added, "The most helpful thing, though, has been people who let me be whatever I am on any given day. If it's happy, or broken, they see me where I am, and they join me where I am. Still, to this day, the people who just allow me to be without judgment."

It's okay to let grief happen. It's okay to say you don't know what to say. Nothing will make it all better, nothing will take it away, and it's okay—even preferable—to support a heartbroken parent without trying to find just the right words.

Update: The words of Susi Costello were originally published on the website A Bed for My Heart. This article has been updated to include credit to the original publisher. You can read the original post here and see it shared on A Bed for My Heart's Facebook page here.

Identity

Celebrate International Women's Day with these stunning photos of female leaders changing the world

The portraits, taken by acclaimed photographer Nigel Barker, are part of CARE's "She Leads the World" campaign.

Images provided by CARE

Kadiatu (left), Zainab (right)

True

Women are breaking down barriers every day. They are transforming the world into a more equitable place with every scientific discovery, athletic feat, social justice reform, artistic endeavor, leadership role, and community outreach project.

And while these breakthroughs are happening all the time, International Women’s Day (Mar 8) is when we can all take time to acknowledge the collective progress, and celebrate how “She Leads the World.

This year, CARE, a leading global humanitarian organization dedicated to empowering women and girls, is celebrating International Women’s Day through the power of portraiture. CARE partnered with high-profile photographer Nigel Barker, best known for his work on “America’s Next Top Model,” to capture breathtaking images of seven remarkable women who have prevailed over countless obstacles to become leaders within their communities.

“Mabinty, Isatu, Adama, and Kadiatu represent so many women around the world overcoming incredible obstacles to lead their communities,” said Michelle Nunn, President and CEO of CARE USA.

Barker’s bold portraits, as part of CARE’s “She Leads The World” campaign, not only elevate each woman’s story, but also shine a spotlight on how CARE programs helped them get to where they are today.

About the women:

Mabinty

international womens day, care.org

Mabinty is a businesswoman and a member of a CARE savings circle along with a group of other women. She buys and sells groundnuts, rice, and fuel. She and her husband have created such a successful enterprise that Mabinty volunteers her time as a teacher in the local school. She was the first woman to teach there, prompting a second woman to do so. Her fellow teachers and students look up to Mabinty as the leader and educator she is.

Kadiatu

international womens day, care.org

Kadiatu supports herself through a small business selling food. She also volunteers at a health clinic in the neighboring village where she is a nursing student. She tests for malaria, works with infants, and joins her fellow staff in dancing and singing with the women who visit the clinic. She aspires to become a full-time nurse so she can treat and cure people. Today, she leads by example and with ambition.

Isatu

international womens day, care.org

When Isatu was three months pregnant, her husband left her, seeking his fortune in the gold mines. Now Isatu makes her own way, buying and selling food to support her four children. It is a struggle, but Isatu is determined to be a part of her community and a provider for her kids. A single mother of four is nothing if not a leader.

Zainab

international womens day, care.org

Zainab is the Nurse in Charge at the Maternal Child Health Outpost in her community. She is the only nurse in the surrounding area, and so she is responsible for the pre-natal health of the community’s mothers-to-be and for the safe delivery of their babies. In a country with one of the world’s worst maternal death rates, Zainab has not lost a single mother. The community rallies around Zainab and the work she does. She describes the women who visit the clinic as sisters. That feeling is clearly mutual.

Adama

international womens day, care.org

Adama is something few women are - a kehkeh driver. A kehkeh is a three-wheeled motorcycle taxi, known elsewhere as a tuktuk. Working in the Kissy neighborhood of Freetown, Adama is the primary breadwinner for her family, including her son. She keeps her riders safe in other ways, too, by selling condoms. With HIV threatening to increase its spread, this is a vital service to the community.

Ya Yaebo

international womens day, care.org

“Ya” is a term of respect for older, accomplished women. Ya Yaebo has earned that title as head of her local farmers group. But there is much more than that. She started as a Village Savings and Loan Association member and began putting money into her business. There is the groundnut farm, her team buys and sells rice, and own their own oil processing machine. They even supply seeds to the Ministry of Agriculture. She has used her success to the benefit of people in need in her community and is a vocal advocate for educating girls, not having gone beyond grade seven herself.

On Monday, March 4, CARE will host an exhibition of photography in New York City featuring these portraits, kicking off the multi-day “She Leads the World Campaign.

Learn more, view the portraits, and join CARE’s International Women's Day "She Leads the World" celebration at CARE.org/sheleads.


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Elya/Wikimedia Commons

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