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Doctor explains why he checks a dead patient's Facebook before notifying their parents

Louis M. Profeta MD explains why he looks at the social media accounts of dead patients before talking their parents.

Photo from Tedx Talk on YouTube.

He checks on your Facebook page.

Losing a loved one is easily the worst moment you'll face in your life. But it can also affect the doctors who have to break it to a patient's friends and family. Louis M. Profeta MD, an Emergency Physician at St. Vincent Emergency Physicians in Indianapolis, Indiana, recently took to LinkedIn to share the reason he looks at a patient's Facebook page before telling their parents they've passed.

The post, titled "I'll Look at Your Facebook Profile Before I Tell Your Mother You're Dead," has attracted thousands of likes and comments.


"It kind of keeps me human," Profeta starts. "You see, I'm about to change their lives — your mom and dad, that is. In about five minutes, they will never be the same, they will never be happy again."

"Right now, to be honest, you're just a nameless dead body that feels like a wet bag of newspapers that we have been pounding on, sticking IV lines and tubes and needles in, trying desperately to save you. There's no motion, no life, nothing to tell me you once had dreams or aspirations. I owe it to them to learn just a bit about you before I go in."

"Because right now... all I am is mad at you, for what you did to yourself and what you are about to do to them. I know nothing about you. I owe it to your mom to peek inside of your once-living world.”

Dr. Louis Profeta, health, death, doctors

Dr. Profeta talks his experience with the death of a patient.

Photo from Tedx Talk on YouTube.

Profeta explains that the death of a patient makes him angry:

"Maybe you were texting instead of watching the road, or you were drunk when you should have Ubered. Perhaps you snorted heroin or Xanax for the first time or a line of coke, tried meth or popped a Vicodin at the campus party and did a couple shots.”

"Maybe you just rode your bike without a helmet or didn't heed your parents' warning when they asked you not to hang out with that 'friend,' or to be more cautious when coming to a four-way stop. Maybe you just gave up."

"Maybe it was just your time, but chances are... it wasn't."

personalization, trauma, mental health, social media

The facebook app.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Profeta goes on to explain why he checks a patient's Facebook page:

"So I pick up your faded picture of your driver's license and click on my iPhone, flip to Facebook and search your name. Chances are we'll have one mutual friend somewhere. I know a lot of people.”

"I see you wearing the same necklace and earrings that now sit in a specimen cup on the counter, the same ball cap or jacket that has been split open with trauma scissors and pulled under the backboard, the lining stained with blood. Looks like you were wearing it to the U2 concert. I heard it was great."

"I see your smile, how it should be, the color of eyes when they are filled with life, your time on the beach, blowing out candles, Christmas at Grandma's; oh you have a Maltese, too. I see that. I see you standing with your mom and dad in front of the sign to your college. Good, I'll know exactly who they are when I walk into the room. It makes it that much easier for me, one less question I need to ask.”

"You're kind of lucky that you don't have to see it. Dad screaming your name over and over, mom pulling her hair out, curled up on the floor with her hand over her head as if she's trying to protect herself from unseen blows.”

"I check your Facebook page before I tell them you're dead because it reminds me that I am talking about a person, someone they love — it quiets the voice in my head that is screaming at you right now shouting: 'You mother f--ker, how could you do this to them, to people you are supposed to love!'"

This article originally appeared on June 5, 2019

Something just didn’t feel right. My stomach churned, and the nausea set in as I realized the unimaginable: I was going into labor.

Nurses rushed to my hospital room as a flurry of chaos surrounded me. I tried to stay calm, but as I looked at my husband, the tears and sobs set in.

I glanced over at the wall where nurses had made a chain link, counting down the days to viability. Two little links left on the wall. Those two days would get me to 23 weeks, our goal for my failing body. But, we didn’t make it. At 22 weeks 5 days, I went into labor with our triplets.


Image courtesy of Stacey Skrysak.

We had been preparing for this moment for weeks. At 20 weeks gestation, my water broke with our first triplet, Abigail. I lay in my hospital bed, unable to sleep as I pondered what might happen in the coming hours. To our surprise, my children were content; the warm blanket of my body provided the comfort they needed to continue to grow.

As the long hours stretched into days, we began daily meetings with doctors, discussing our best and worst case scenarios. For each week that my pregnancy progressed, the better chance our triplets had of surviving.

We heard endless statistics and the challenges we faced if our children were born at 23, 24, 25 weeks of gestation. The doctors were practical, not sugarcoating the prognosis, but they still gave us a glimmer of hope.

While many hospitals won’t intervene until a baby reaches 23 or 24 weeks gestation, our hospital believed in giving our children a chance if possible. And that was the case on June 23, 2013, when I delivered my children at 22 weeks 6 days.

Our story is far from picture perfect. Our first triplet passed away within two hours of birth; our second triplet died just shy of two months old. Our surviving triplet spent nearly four months in the NICU, overcoming a mountain of hurdles, before finally coming home to begin her life.

The long, bumpy road is now a distant memory. Our 22-weeker is happy and healthy today. Peyton is our one-pound miracle, and according to her doctors, she is completely caught up developmentally at 3 years old.

We know she is the rarity. Our children were given a less than 10% chance of survival. If they survived, their chances of leading a healthy life with few complications were slim. Luckily, fate was on our side. Our doctors gave our children a chance at life. But, many families are not so lucky.

Over the years, I’ve heard from hundreds of parents of premature babies. Some share their miracle stories that mirror my daughter’s journey, but oftentimes I hear stories of lost hope.

I hear from parents wondering why my children were given a chance when their hospital only offered "comfort care," allowing the family to hold their baby as it died in their arms. Every time I hear those words, a little piece of my heart crumbles. Every time I think about a child not given a fighting chance, I look at my daughter Peyton. I imagine what life would be like if I had walked out of our hospital empty handed, always wondering what if? Even though two of my children eventually passed away, each one of them was given that fighting chance. However short their lives were, we created memories, and that’s only possible because our doctors stepped in with lifesaving measures.

There is no way my triplets would have survived without the intensive care they received. Babies born between 22 and 24 weeks are in a grey area, hovering between life and death. But research has shown that a baby this young can survive, and in rare cases like ours, the child can thrive.

Image courtesy of Stacey Skrysak.

So what can be done? I’m not asking all hospitals to lower their viability standards. Many hospitals are simply not equipped to treat babies that tiny or young. But, more can be done, and that starts with education.

No mother plans on having a premature baby, and oftentimes, the complications happen in an instant. We need to educate parents and let them know their options. In some cases, they can be transferred to other hospitals that can better treat the youngest babies. In other cases, it comes down to communication and a better understanding of the hospital’s policies.

June 23, 2013, and August 16, 2013, are the two worst days of my life. Those are the dates that two of my triplets died. But with the heartache comes happiness as I think of the memories I created in their short time here on Earth. Abby and Parker may have been tiny, but they are making a huge impact in so many lives around the world.

As for my miracle survivor, we know that Peyton could face struggles down the road due to her premature birth, but we’re ready and prepared. Peyton continues to climb mountains, conquering everything that comes her way. She is living proof that miracles do exist, and she’s the poster child for why even the youngest babies should be given that fighting chance at life.

8-year-old Abrielle woke up one night with debilitating nausea.

The next morning, she was in so much pain that she couldn't stand. Her mom, Renata, rushed her to the hospital, where doctors said Abbie's appendix was "leaking." She'd have to have surgery right away.

But this was no routine appendectomy.


"It was pretty bad," Renata said. "In fact the surgeoneven told us in the 20 years he's been doing it, she fell in the 10%of the worst cases. There was a point where her heart ratejumped up to 200 beats per minute and her oxygen level dropped below40%. It was pretty scary."

Abbie's difficult recovery kept her and her mom in the hospital for an agonizing 12 days.

Abrielle poses with her mom. Photos by Renata Linn used with permission.

How do you keep an 8-year-old girl distracted and entertained in a hospital room for 12 days, you might ask? It wasn't easy.

"We played Monopoly," Renata said with a laugh. "And Uno. We played a lot of Uno."

She also said Abbie looked forward to watching "Spongebob" on the TV in her room every morning.

But, after a while, even all the TV and games in the world aren't enough to overcome the boredom, the physical discomfort, the IVs sticking out of arms.

It's a lot for anyone to handle, especially a kid.

That's where VRKids comes in. They're a nonprofit that brings interactive virtual reality games to kids who need a pick-me-up, free of charge.

Abrielle gears up for a virtual adventure.

Renata said a hospital worker told them about the program, and she immediately knew Abbie would love it.

So later that day, a team set up a computer and an Oculus Rift headset in Abbie's room to take her on incredible, magical, and immersive adventures. After days and days of being confined to her bed, unable to do even the simplest tasks for herself and fighting complications from her surgery, Abbie was suddenly soaring through the clouds on a magic carpet.

"She said it was like being in 'Aladdin,'" Renata said. "It definitely made the day different than the other days. She got to do something. It lifted her spirits."

"After the whole experience was done, she kept asking when she was going to get to do it again."

It may seem like a simple thing, but some studies have shown that a positive state of mind can be much better for physical recovery.

In one adventure, Abbie took a ride on a magic carpet.

We're really just starting to figure out how to get the most out of VR technology: So far it's showing up in everything from gaming to tourism to education and more. But helping hospital patients on the tough road to recovery has to be one of the best uses yet.

Unfortunately, VR therapy isn't a fit for everyone. It takes a certain amount of energy and alertness to engage with the program.

But for kids like Abbie, things like this can make a huge difference.

"For these kids to be able to escape that reality [of the hospital] for even just 10 minutes,and they're in charge of what they're doing," Renata said. "They put that headpieceon, and they can look any direction they want, and they're in adifferent world, and they can feel the movement and the senses andthat kind of thing."

"It was a really moving experience."

16-year-old Courtney has had to overcome her fair share of health challenges in her life.

The teenager needed a liver transplant a few years ago due to autoimmune hepatitis.

But today she's thriving, according to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta, and her struggles haven't prevented her from loving to "bust a move" on the dance floor.


GIF via Children's Healthcare of Atlanta/YouTube.

Courtney is one of the kids featured in a smile-inducing music video produced by the hospital that's been spreading online.

The video paired several patients up with their doctors so they could dance it out — and have some fun while they're at it.

13-year-old Nina enjoyed boogying down with Dr. Bergsagel. GIF via Children's Healthcare of Atlanta/YouTube.

"We have some of the toughest patients who face battles that many people couldn’t imagine," cardiologist and dancing doc Martha Clabby, M.D., said in a statement provided to Upworthy. "In those tough times, dancing and having fun can be the best medicine for staying positive."

5-year-old Anthony's got some mad rhythm. GIF via Children's Healthcare of Atlanta/YouTube.

"We are here not only to help them heal," Clabby said, "but to celebrate their strength and triumphs.”

The concept for the music video started with a popular TV show.

"I saw 'Dancing with the Stars,' and I realized it would be really cute to have Dancing with the Doctors — that it'd be a really fun experience for our patients," Amanda Wade, a public relations coordinator at the hospital, explained to Upworthy. "It just sort of spiraled from there."

Dr. Clabby partnered up with the smallest dancer, 7-month-old Zainab, who Wade said "might be the happiest baby [she's] ever seen." GIF via Children's Healthcare of Atlanta/YouTube.

The video — which features kids living with various health challenges, from Hodgkin's lymphoma to transplant patients — has racked up an impressive 280,000 views (and counting) since it was shared on Children's Healthcare of Atlanta's Facebook pageearlier this week.

Pageviews and TV shows aside, the video is really meant to do one vital thing: put smiles on the kids' faces.

These patients have been through a lot, Wade explained, and a big part of the hospital staff's job is to keep the blues away. This video is just one way they're making sure to get the job done.

“It’s just so important for kids to be kids," she said.

Watch the "Dancing with the Doctors" music video below: