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Communications expert shares the number one small talk mistake people make and how to fix it

It happens at the start of a lot of conversations.

via Canva/Photos

A group of friends having a chat.

Many people don’t like making small talk. They either believe it’s beneath them to talk about mundane subjects or don’t see the benefit of discussing the weather, sports, or television with people they hardly know. However, these folks are missing a very valuable form of interaction that can help them with their love lives, friendships, and careers. They also remove themselves from situations where they can elevate small talk to something more valuable and meaningful.

Jefferson Fisher, a Texas board-certified personal injury attorney and law firm owner of Fisher Firm, has become massively popular on Instagram, with nearly 6 million followers, for sharing communication tips “to help people argue less and talk more.” While promoting his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, he shared the number one problem people have while making small talk.

What's the number one mistake people make during small talk?

"They unknowingly turn the conversation back to themselves too quickly," Fisher tells Parade. "It’s a natural impulse—we want to relate, to show we understand. But what often happens is that we hijack the conversation."

 conversation, heart-to-heart, talking, girls talking, school conversation,  Two girls having a heart-to-heart.via Canva/Photos

"For example, someone says, 'I just got back from a trip to Italy,' and instead of asking about their experience, we jump in with, 'Oh, I’ve been to Italy several times, it’s great.' It’s well-meaning, but it can come across as dismissive,” Fisher said. You may not be intending to make the other person feel unimportant, but they just got back from the trip of a lifetime, and you stole their thunder by making it about yourself. It can be tough to hold back in a situation like that, because you’re excited to talk all about your wonderful experience. But if you have a little self-control and ask them a few more questions about their trip, you’ll make a much stronger first impression.

“Instead, focus on them. Ask open-ended questions like, 'That’s wonderful, what was your favorite part?'” the lawyer continued. “Small talk isn’t about impressing people, it’s about making them feel seen and heard."


Fisher’s advice echoes that of the great Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. In the book, Carnegie says, “To be interesting, be interested.” Carnegie’s advice is counterintuitive because we are taught to believe that being likable means dominating conversations and entertaining the other person. However, Carnegie thinks that people who are generous listeners and willing to serve the other person tend to make a better first impression.

How to be more likable.

Researchers at Harvard found out that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions. So, if you ask, “Where did you go last summer?” And they reply, Italy, you can follow that up with two questions about their favorite city and the restaurant they’ll never forget. Then, you can tell them that you’ve been there, too.

 conversation, parties, small talk, cocktail parties, rooftop party,  A rooftop party.via Canva/Photos

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

People will take a shine to you after you ask a few questions because it shows that you are listening and interested in what they say. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

While at first, it may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your experiences and opinions, it should take some pressure off the need to be interesting. Now, instead of trying to wow people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.

This article originally appeared in May.

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After the second debate, these 5 voters changed their minds. They told us why.

In the second presidential debate — held less than 48 hours after the release of a bombshell tape where Donald Trump describes sexually assaulting women as well as the release of a new cache of Clinton campaign emails by Wikileaks — the candidates outlined two very different visions of a future America.

Photo by Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty Images

Trump defended his taped remarks from 2005 as "locker room talk," while calling on Muslim Americans to report suspected terrorists in their communities and vowing to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Clinton's handling of her state department email and throw her in jail. Clinton promised to expand Obamacare to make health care more widely accessible and affordable and establish a no-fly zone in Syria, while deflecting questions about taking different positions in public and private by citing Abraham Lincoln.  

Two polls taken immediately post-debate showed a Clinton victory, while a focus group panel gave the edge to Trump.

We asked Upworthy's social media followers if last night's debate changed their mind. Most said it didn't. Some were convinced to pull the lever for a different candidate — and for several, it was not one of the two on the debate stage.

Here's what they said — who they were voting for, who they're voting for now, and why.

Interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity.

Tara Donna, tax office manager, Arizona

Was voting for: Jill Stein

Now voting for: Hillary Clinton

Jill Stein photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images; Hillary Clinton photo by Rick Wilking/AFP/Getty Images.

Why she was holding out for a third party: "I was a die hard Bernie supporter in the 'Never Hillary' group. I was leaning towards Jill Stein until her stunt at the DAPL [Dakota Access Pipeline]. I love that Jill actually wooed the Bernie folks. I feel like Hillary expects us to fall in line because Bernie has asked us to and that upsets me. For the record I'm against the DAPL, but you can't graffiti property. As a presidential candidate there should be a modicum of decency and decorum."

What she thought of Trump's debate performance: "I thought Trump was a disaster. He looked angry and hurt. His response to the leaked tape said it all. The official apology he made, which was clearly written by somebody else, was trampled on. He reverted to 'locker room banter,' which is talking about sexual assault."

How Clinton impressed, and didn't impress, her: "Hillary was poised, but angry at times. I feel she needs to answer for her treatment of Bill's women. Bill's behavior shouldn't be counted against her, but she destroyed those women and needs to answer for it."

What she plans to do now: "I'm voting for Hillary after last night. I'm not happy about it. I'd love to follow Iceland's footsteps, kick out the government and rewrite the Constitution."

Kaden Meeks, college student, West Virginia

Was voting for: Didn't plan to vote

Now voting for: Donald Trump

Photos by Paul J. Richards/AFP/Getty Images.

Who he backed initially: "Trump — mostly because I consider myself a Republican and I agree with a lot of his ideas, even some of the more radical ones. I liked his immigration ideas, I liked that he was straightforward and I liked that he had made questionable decisions in his life to get where he is now. I always have looked at the presidential position as a decision-making job, and I think that Trump would be bold enough to make controversial decisions rather than putting them off as the issues get worse."

How Trump temporarily lost his vote: "I had problems [with] the comments about his daughter. I don't know how any man could agree that his daughter is a 'piece of ass' or refer to her body shape as beautiful or give other men information on his daughter's breasts. I think that just shows how truly narcissistic and gross he really is. Any human with kids generally loves, protects them and is proud of their offspring, but Donald Trump seems to use his daughter as a credential. Her physical appearance is used as a weapon, and to me, that is just too far."

How the debate, and its aftermath, convinced him to come back around: "I actually watched a video of him apologizing for what he had said, and then I saw another video of a room full of independent voters, and the vast majority said that Trump had gained their vote. This was shocking to me considering it hadn't happened so far, and even CNN said he had 'exceeded expectations,' so I just knew he was starting to get a feel for what he was doing and maturing as a politician."

"Like I said, I always have liked his ideas, his demeanor is the issue, and through watching those things, I realize he was capable of having a suitable demeanor."

Patricia Billingsley, retired state employee, Oklahoma

Was voting for: Undecided

Now voting for: Gary Johnson

Donald Trump photo by Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images; Gary Johnson photo by Molly Riley/AFP/Getty Images.

Her feelings about Clinton, in four words: "Most knowledgeable, least ethical."

Her feelings about Trump, in three words: "Narcissistic, erratic, lazy."

What she thought of Trump last night: "Aggressive. Defends own sleaze by pointing out others' bad behavior."

What she thought of Clinton last night: "Ignores questions/statements she does not want to hear, repeats talking points."

What she'd like to see in the third debate: "Wish Johnson [was] in debates to compare in person, not just on what I read and hear."

Jessica Medina, web designer, Florida

Was voting for: Hillary Clinton

Now voting for: Undecided

Hillary Clinton photo by Tasos Katopodis/AFP/Getty Images; Gary Johnson photo by Bill McCay/SiriusXM.

How she planned to vote before last night: "I've never liked either choice, but Clinton is certainly the lesser of two evils in my eyes. After the last debate I was left thinking 'oh okay, I can do this...' This one kind of turned it back and made me feel uneasy again."

Why she felt this debate was different: "The moderators certainly appeared biased in my opinion. It's no secret that Anderson Cooper hates Trump's guts, but I felt like they were certainly professional. And I agreed with everything they called him out on — I truly appreciated the fact that they didn't let him get way with his diversion tactics.  But it set up Hillary for an advantage, which automatically had me raising an eyebrow."

What about Clinton's performance turned her off: "She had so much prepared for this debate, and that preparedness left me feeling a disconnect. I'm sure she has a sincerity about her in person — everyone says that her strength is listening and making people feel heard — but in this particular format, I don't think it translated well across the TV to the viewers at home."

How she plans to vote now: "It will depend on how she performs in the next debate, and I'll be doing a lot more research to see if a vote for Johnson is really just throwing a vote away (or, God forbid, dividing the vote and letting Trump take it). For Trump, nothing could ever convince me to vote for him."

How Clinton could win her back: "I would like to see more authenticity. We know she's smarter and more experienced than Trump. We know she's prepared to counter his arguments. So I would like to see her just have a conversation instead of spewing rhetoric that she has decided upon beforehand. I would like to be able to trust her."

Denise Smith, former museum programs manager, Virginia

Was voting for: Write-in vote

Now voting for: Hillary Clinton

Bernie Sanders photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images; Hillary Clinton photo by Tasos Katopodis/AFP/Getty Images.

How she's voted in the past: "My first vote was for Jimmy Carter. But I also voted for Ronald Reagan and Daddy Bush … once. I was a Reagan Democrat, I voted for him the first time because he spoke of a flat tax to cover everyone. We went bankrupt during his presidency, and I would not piss on him if he was on fire after that! Daddy Bush spoke about fair trade and jobs on a global market and I voted for that. Got fooled again."

"I actually voted for Ross Perot against Bill Clinton — get this — because my husband fussed at me and said he didn’t want my vote canceling his out. I was stupid in love and never did it again."

Why she was uncommitted: "I was a Bernie supporter to begin with. I was truly disgusted by what happened that knocked him out of the race. I think he had a better chance than Hillary at winning this election, because after 30 years of dirt about her, the rumors, [and] the scandals, I was skeptical of her in office. Plus, though he endorses her now, Bernie ran a good campaign against her."

What convinced her to come off the fence: "I was seriously considering just throwing my vote away. I can’t endorse Johnson or Stein after looking at their platforms. I was thinking of writing in Bernie’s name or, hell, even Lindsey Graham for president but after this week’s tape on his 'locker room' talk and then Hillary Clinton's performance tonight, I’m solidly for Clinton."

Why she could never, ever vote for Trump: "Trump scares me — the thought of him as president. After tonight I know I can’t throw my vote away. Hillary tonight showed me a much better candidate for president. Trump needs a civics lesson on how Congress works. [He] blamed her too much for things no one person can control and if he thinks senators and presidents have that much power, he’s nuts. He’s going to prosecute her above our judicial system? That’s dictator talk."

Deadlines to register to vote in most states are closing fast! Many have already passed, some are coming up in the next few days. If you still haven't put your name on the rolls, this tool can help you get there. And if you have registered, here's how you can find your polling place.  

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We can all agree that the Holocaust happened, right? Wrong. Millions of people disagree.

How do you prove the Holocaust happened? And should you have to?

True
Participant Media Denial

In 1996, Deborah Lipstadt was tasked with proving the Holocaust happened in a trial that's the focus of the new film, "Denial."

Yep, you read that right. Holocaust denial is actually a thing.

Many of us know that from 1933 to 1945 up to 6 million Jewish people lost their lives during the Holocaust, and more than 11 million people were killed altogether. We have photographs of the concentration camps, the ruins of which are still around today and can be visited. We have testimony from Nazi officials. There are survivors with arm tattoos and eyewitness accounts of the tragedy.

‌Image via Dale Cruse/Flickr. ‌

But for some people, that evidence doesn't seem to be enough. In fact, apparently only 54% of the world’s population has heard about the Holocaust, and of those who have heard about it, about one-third believes that the genocide has not been accurately described. Shocking, right?

In 1993, Lipstadt wrote a book about the phenomenon of Holocaust denial called "Denying the Holocaust: The Growing Assault on Truth and Memory" because she felt she had to draw attention to the absurdity of deniers' claims.

In the book, Lipstadt dedicated just a few paragraphs — 500 words — to a man named David Irving, a Holocaust denier.

Irving not only distorts the historic records of the Holocaust, but also discounts the stories of people who witnessed and experienced the horrors or who have loved ones who did. Since the late 1980s, Irving has vehemently stated that the Holocaust was a hoax.

‌Dachau Concentration Camp prisoners. Image via Dale Cruse/Flickr.‌

"More women died in the backseat of Kennedy’s car at Chappaquiddick than died in the gas chambers at Auschwitz," Lipstadt quoted Irving as saying in her book.

Three years later, Irving sued Lipstadt for libel for calling him a Holocaust denier in her book. That trial is what "Denial" focuses on.

The film follows Lipstadt, who found herself center stage in a lawsuit, tasked with proving that Irving was lying when he said the Holocaust didn't happen.

"You can lie. You can say whatever you want, but you can be held accountable for it. And you can't then say 'well my opinion is equal to fact,'" Lipstadt said, explaining why it was so important to hold Irving accountable for his words.

‌Deborah Lipstadt. Image via Participant Media.‌

Irving brought his suit against Lipstadt in the U.K., where the law puts the burden of proof on the accused — meaning that instead of Irving being required to prove Lipstadt guilty, Lipstadt and her team of lawyers had to prove that Irving was actually a Holocaust denier. To do this, they'd have to prove that the Holocaust did in fact happen, and that Irving explicitly misrepresented that fact.

If Lipstadt lost the case, it would basically mean no one in the U.K. could ever call Irving a Holocaust denier, and it would allow for the continued denial of one of history's most significant and tragic events.

Fortunately, Lipstadt won — a victory that had repercussions beyond the case and beyond Irving.

It was a decisive win for truth.

‌Image via Dale Cruse/Flickr.‌

Fast forward to the current political climate, where elevating the truth is as crucial as ever.

We have a presidential candidate who regularly makes inaccurate and harmful statements regarding Muslims. Donald Trump claimed to have seen "thousands and thousands" of Muslims cheering as the buildings fell on 9/11 and used that story to justify his desire to create a Muslim database that's been compared to the Jewish database that was implemented in Nazi Germany.  

Since 9/11, hate crimes against Muslims have been up, and researchers are seeing a renewed spike lately. While a direct connection can't be assumed, analysts can't help but note the timing and wonder if the hateful rhetoric of the 2016 campaign is a contributing factor. Now, promoting intolerance is not the same thing as mass genocide. But when people in positions of power use patriotism and false statements to justify hate and gain a following in doing so, people get hurt.

There are also people in places of power claiming the climate change isn't real — ignoring scientists as well as the pleas and warnings of people in regions that are already feeling climate change's devastating effects.

And we have leaders brushing off systemic racism that directly effects the way black lives are viewed and valued and denouncing the activists who call attention to the injustices.

"There aren't always two sides to every story," said Lipstadt. "Certain things are true. Certain things happened. You can debate why they happened, you can debate why there was a Holocaust. You can debate who made the decision. But you can’t debate whether it happened."

Movies like "Denial" are a reminder that there will always be people out there who ignore the truth in an attempt to deny people their history.

For every person who denies history, there are even more people out there standing up for truth. Lipstadt's story is one of fact triumphing over opinion, of truth winning out over lies.

We could use more of that.

There will always be people like Irving in the world, but what we can do is work to ensure that the truth is told, no matter how ugly, because it’s important. Because it’s our duty to seek the truth.

Check out more of Lipstadt's story, which is featured in the upcoming movie "Denial," now playing in select theaters/everywhere Oct. 21:‌‌

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