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upworthy

lesbian

Nervously, I reached into my purse and pulled out my ID, flashing it to the bouncer. It was 6 p.m. and I'd just come from work. My roommates were supposed to meet me, but they were always late, and tonight was no exception. So, it was with a pounding heart that I faced the crowd alone, trying to find the least threatening person to approach.

It was my first Democratic Socialists of America (DSA) meeting, specifically for those in the LGBT community, and I thought I'd found my people. Queer and political, sign me up. But as I took a closer look at those milling around, I realized that the space didn't look that different from what I was used to. I was still in the minority, because of both my race and gender. I was still being talked at by men who thought they knew more than me. I was still around people who seemed to assume that everyone wanted sex.

One of the only other women in the group came up to me and said "It's good to see another one of us here." "Another what?" I asked, a bit confused. "Another lesbian," she replied easily, as if it were obvious.


But that was not true. I'm not a lesbian. I'm asexual. And I had thought that coming to a group geared toward LGBT individuals—the full acronym being LGBTQIA+, where the A stands for asexual (also known as "ace")—would have allowed me the opportunity to meet others who identified similarly.

After figuring out that I was asexual, I thought finding community would be easier

I'd done all the hard work of figuring out that I was ace—I thought that finding a community would be easier. After years of internalizing heteronormativity, of consuming various movies and books where sex and relationships were presented as the ultimate goals, it was no wonder that it took me such a long time to realize that I didn't want that. And even longer still to accept and embrace that part of my identity, to realize that there were others who felt the same way. There was a whole community out there if I could just find them.

With the DSA LGBT event, I finally thought that I had. It turned out that it wouldn't be that simple. I kept attending events with queer and LGBT+ labels attached to them, hoping that I'd find someone who would understand. But I was realizing that just because we shared the queer label did not mean that we shared experiences. Many understood being different, sure, but not the difference that I felt. They still experienced sexual attraction, just not of the heteronormative variety. Sometimes, these spaces were even more sexualized as people felt comfortable expressing themselves in ways they couldn't in everyday life.

To find other ace people, I had to look elsewhere

When I was unable to find the community I was searching for by going to in-person events, I turned to the internet. Once I knew the terminology, I was able to search on various social media sites. I started following a blog on Tumblr that posted about ace topics. I began to see others post about experiences that mirrored my own.

It was on Instagram that I found a community of ace individuals in New York, where I live. They posted various resources for asexuals and even hosted monthly events. What I'd so desperately wanted earlier, an in-person community, was suddenly within my grasp. The page posted about a new support group for asexuals, and I decided to go.

What struck me first was that the room was diverse—there were a lot of non-cis men and a lot of POC folks. The organizers were women of color. As people began to share their stories, I felt a sense of calm envelop my body—I had found people who understood me. They had been uncomfortable in high school because they didn't understand everyone's desire to have sex. They had faced challenges navigating dating when sexual intimacy was something that may not even be on the table. They were older and wiser and made me feel like it was all going to be alright.

I may not feel like I belong in all queer spaces, but I've found a queer space that fits me. This space, and the people in it, provide me with the confidence to live my life authentically, to embrace the ace part of my identity. And when I inevitably encounter those who don't understand me, I know I've got a place to go for support.

Meet Rosaline, the heroine of an important new love story.

Art by Michael Scanlon, and animation by Ida M. Schouw Andreasen.


In her tale, Rosaline packs a lunch with veggies from her emerald green garden and ventures over to her sweetheart's house.

But in order to get there, she has to overcome a few unforeseen obstacles.

Like a tricky witch.

Art by Michael Scanlon, and animation by Ida M. Schouw Andreasen.

And a determined, hungry wolf.

Art by Michael Scanlon, and animation by Ida M. Schouw Andreasen.

Even her fairy godmother — although well-intentioned — becomes a road block.

Art by Michael Scanlon, and animation by Ida M. Schouw Andreasen.

Fortunately, Rosaline finally arrives safe and sound to her sweetheart's front door.

And, yes, her sweetheart is also a girl.

Art by Michael Scanlon, and animation by Ida M. Schouw Andreasen.

"Rosaline," Hulu's first animated kids' short featuring a lesbian heroine, premiered June 7, 2016.

According to its creator, Daniel Errico, the short — which is narrated by actress and LGBTQ advocate Teri Polo — helps to fill a crucial void in children's media.

"As a children’s author, I felt like my industry wasn’t really doing its part to help kids learn acceptance of themselves and others," Errico explained to Upworthy. "I think it’s important to show kids all forms of love and identity in a positive light from a young age, so that’s what 'Rosaline' is all about."

Advocates agree: Fair media representation for people who are LGBTQ is vital (and we could be doing a whole lot better at it).

It's something Errico takes seriously. Last year, his work, "The Bravest Knight Who Ever Lived," premiered on Hulu, becoming the streaming media company's first animated LGBTQ-themed short for kids.


It's no mistake that Rosaline's sweetheart doesn't share her skin color either.

"The more characters we have of different ethnicities [and] backgrounds, the better for kids," he said, noting he is committed to the We Need Diverse Books campaign.

"Rosaline" is a simple love story with the potential to change hearts and minds.

The media our children consume isn't just cute, it's "hugely impactful" in shaping the way they see themselves and the world around them, according to Errico.

And if even just one little girl can see herself in "Rosaline," I'd say it's a story worth telling.

Watch "Rosaline" below:

True
Mothers Everywhere

We all know that same-sex couples have been around since the beginning of time. But do we know how they navigate through their unique parenting challenges?

Thankfully that's where Brandy Black, the founder of The Next Family, and her wife, Susan, come in.


Susan (left), Brandy, and their three kids. All photos and GIFs from The Next Family, used with permission.

They decided to educate the masses on what it's truly like to raise kids in a same-sex household by delivering some straight talk.

Noted — "not so straight" talk.

A recent study confirmed that children raised by same-sex parents do not experience any disadvantages compared with being raised by other parents. That in itself is wonderful to hear, but Brandy knows there are a lot of misconceptions still out there.

"We've met people who've never spent time with a gay or lesbian couple, and they're shocked by how normal we are," Brandy told Upworthy. "I don't know what they expected, but at the end of the day, we're just moms living our lives with our kids."

With that in mind, the couple created a video series discussing the issues they encounter in their daily lives. Here are three examples.

1. Um ... you're two moms. What do your kids call you?

There are many things that straight couples take for granted, and one of them is how their kids will address them. It's usually some version of mom and dad.

"It was daunting for us at first," Brandy said. "We didn't know how to handle it."

But after a while, they figured out a plan. Brandy is "mama" and Susan is "mom." It's working for them so far, and the kids dig it.

To Brandy, she feels it's a good idea to help guide your kids in a certain direction, but it's definitely not something that should be forced.

2. So, how did you pick a donor?

To Brandy and Susan, it was one of the most awkward and impersonal experiences that they could remember.

"The baby-making process is far from a romantic one," Brandy said. "I envy straight couples in that regard."

But it didn't stop them from doing what they had to do. Before long they sifted through the donor options.

"Sure it's exciting to build a family, but it's also hard," Brandy recalled. "After the donor was picked, we rarely thought about that part again."

No same-sex couple is, well ... the same. Brandy recognizes that and advises both partners to be on the same page. "Choosing a donor is the biggest decision you'll make," she said.

3. How has parenting changed your relationship?

Yeah, it's no secret that raising tiny humans changes the dynamics of any romantic relationship. Brandy and Susan are no different.

"We stopped having sex for a period of time, we're sleep-deprived, and we have disagreements on how to raise our kids at times,"Brandy said. "Straight couples go through the same stuff."

But Brandy knew there was a difference between the two moms.

Since Brandy gave birth to all three of her kids, Susan felt that she identified more with a dad's experience. In doing so, she reached out to fathers to get some insight on how they handle the parenting gig. It helped both of them immensely.

"There's no competition between us to be the best or favorite mom," Brandy said. "We handle things differently just like other couples, and our kids are benefiting from it."

When it comes to Mother's Day, Brandy and Susan are able to reflect on how truly lucky they are to live their truth as a couple and as moms.

Brandy and Susan never forget how blessed they are to have such an awesome family.

Coming out and being true to who you are can be extremely scary. Brandy wanted to create these videos with Susan to help people who are struggling with acknowledging their personal truth.

"We want to show that there is life after coming out, and it's awesome," Brandy said. "Mother's Day holds a higher meaning to me knowing that I had to overcome so many fears to have the family I built."

Because at the end of the day, happiness is found by being real.

Check out Brandy and Susan's videos here!

Doubting someone is gay doesn't always stem from thinking being gay is "wrong."

But that doubt can still be really destructive, even if the doubter doesn't mean to be.

A reader of mine wrote in asking for some advice. She has one granddaughter who is gay, and whom the reader felt she always knew was gay. But her younger granddaughter says she is too, and since her preference seemed to develop differently, the grandmother is doubtful.


Is it just a phase? Image by Marco Gomes/Wikimedia Commons.

"Dear Angie, I am a proud grandmother of 14. I am writing you about my 16-year-old granddaughter. We are very close. She usually tells [me] everything that's on her mind. This case is no different. She recently told me she's lesbian. She says she isn't sexually active in any form, heterosexual or homosexual. I have a 23-year-old granddaughter who is homosexual as well. I explained to the 16-year-old, like I explained to the 23-year-old -- it didn't matter to me, I love them the same. I knew my 23-year-old was a lesbian when she was 12. Because of her reactions when boys spoke to her [and because] she never talked about male celebrities, like teenage girls usually do. One day, the 23-year-old granddaughter and I were on a shopping trip, a boy about the same age walked up and gave her his phone number and asked for hers, she had a look on her face like she wanted to tear her skin off. She was 13 at the time."

It's clear from what Grandmom is telling us that this isn't her first rodeo recognizing and loving a gay grandchild. Now that she's set the stage, she explains why her younger granddaughter's case seems different.

"My 16-year-old granddaughter's case is no where like this. She used to talk about boys, she used talk to me about teenage male actors that she thought were cute to her. In fact, she blushed when one of her grandpa's guitar students bought her candy, chips and a soda from a local convenience store.Is my 16-year-old granddaughter going through a phase? Or is she just trying to shock me and her parents? I'm sorry, I just don't believe she's gay. None of the signs were there! I think she's doing this to fit in with this group of girls that think being gay is in fashion. What are your thoughts on this? I really feel she's not being true to herself. By the way, I also have a niece that is the same age doing the same!" — Not-Buying-It Nana

This is a big, loaded question.

First, I want to say I really admire Nana for seeking more information before she makes up her mind about how to proceed. It shows she really cares a great deal about getting this right and being there for her granddaughter in the most useful way possible. Not everybody has the wherewithal to do that, and I really respect it.

There are three main things I hope Nana considers here, but the third one is a big one and can apply to just about any kid in your life who tells you something about themselves.

1. Let's talk about the Kinsey scale and the fluidity of sexuality.

You can be really hetero or really gay or anywhere in between. Adapted from the Kinsey Institute.

It can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking sexuality is an either/or thing. It's actually more like a spectrum, and some people do fall more solidly on one side of the spectrum than the other. But some others hover somewhere around the middle of that spectrum, and might describe themselves as bisexual. (There's also pansexual and asexual and other orientations, but we'll save that for another article.)

It can take time and a variety of experiences for a person to know where they are on the spectrum. Some people have the surety of knowing immediately when they reach adolescence what gender they're attracted to, and others need to gather more data by trying things out before they'll know for sure. Additionally, you can find that where you were on this scale as a young person may not fit you anymore later in life.

That means that your younger granddaughter may be having very different feelings about her sexuality that seem different from how your older granddaughter became aware of hers. It doesn't mean she's not "really gay."


That's right, Honey Boo-Boo. Unless they're a zero on the Kinsey scale! GIF via TLC.

2. Do people pretend they're gay so they can fit in with a group of friends who are?

It's not impossible for that to happen, but I'd be more inclined to assume she's really expressing her current sense of where she's at. Though homosexuality is becoming better accepted, it's still a really tough row to hoe in our society that most people would not choose if they're not actually gay. But if you're still on the fence, here's a useful tool for looking at the possible scenarios and potential outcomes — a decision quadrant:

A couple of the outcomes are clearly not worth it when we're talking about how we treat those we love. But the two others are can't-lose options.

3. This is the big one that I think anyone can apply to various situations with any kid: believing them to be the ultimate authority of their truth and their "self."

There is clearly so much love and closeness between Nana and the granddaughters. And from lived experience, Nana knows a thing or two about the world and about how people can be. But even so, we have to be careful as trusted adults to not quickly assume that we know our kids/grandkids/etc. better than they know themselves. It sets kids up for a lifetime of self-doubt and inner turmoil instead of helping them practice the confidence that they can be whatever they feel they are meant to be. If something shifts and their path changes, it's not the end of the world.

The feeling you'll get inside from knowing that you never failed to support their self-direction is better than any momentary satisfaction we might get when we "called it."

Ultimately, like Nana already acknowledged, whether she is or isn't gay doesn't matter at all — so why make it an issue? We're just here to love each other.