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A helpful chart to explain the difference between support and 'toxic positivity'

Can positivity be “toxic”?

via Sitwithit / Instagram

Validation and Hope vs. Toxic Positivity

A Helpful Chart to Explain the Difference Between Support and 'Toxic Positivity" was originally published on The Mighty.

There's no denying that positivity can be powerful. I know when I'm struggling with anxiety and negative thoughts, if I can hold onto an ounce of hope — that I'll make it through, that I'm not defined by my thoughts, that I'm not as bad as my brain is making me out to be — I can cope a little better.

The positivity we hold within ourselves, when we can manage it, makes it a little easier to get by.

That being said, perhaps counterintuitively, positivity isn't always the best way to help others. You can't make someone be positive. You can't sprinkle positivity dust on them and make their problems go away. And honestly, when people are seeking help and support, they're usually not looking for straight-up, inspirational poster positivity. More often, they're looking for validation that their negative feelings are OK.

I've always kind of known this but didn't think about it in a tangible way until I saw a graphic made by Whitney Hawkins Goodman, LMFT, owner of The Collaborative Counseling Center. She runs the Instagram account @sitwithwhit, and after she posted an image explaining "Toxic Positivity," I started seeing it all over social media.

friendship, mental health, validation

The full graphic showing the difference between the positivity and the not so positive.

via Sitwithit / Instagram

The graphic shows the difference between supporting someone with validation and hope, and trying to support them with "toxic positivity." According to Whitney, it's the difference between, "This is hard… I believe in you," and, "Just be happy!" If you could never pinpoint why simple "inspiring" quotes didn't sit well with you, this could be the explanation.

It reminds me of a popular animated video about empathy, which uses the words of Brené Brown. If sympathy is shouting down at someone while they're stuck in a hole, empathy is getting into the hole with them. If "toxic positivity" is telling someone to just "look at the bright side," support is putting yourself in someone's shoes, and accepting their feelings for what they are.

Of course, when we throw around phrases like, "Think positive," or, "Stop being so negative," we're probably coming from a good place. You're spreading these messages because you want people to be happier, damn it! So what's wrong with reminding people to be positive?

The hard-to-face truth is, supporting people isn't about being "positive." In fact, when you force positivity down someone's throat, it can actually have the opposite effect. "Toxic positivity" can make people feel unsafe expressing their negativity, and negativity thrives in isolation. It can make people think there's something wrong with them for not simply "choosing" happiness, and shame is negativity's enabling best friend.

When we're supporting someone who's hurting, we need to leave room for positivity to grow. And you don't yell at a flower to "just" grow — you water it. In this case, you water it with listening, with validation, and with unconditional support. It's OK to experience negative emotions, and with support, we can help people who are stuck in negativity find their own way out. Simply telling them to "be positive" doesn't cut it.

Thanks to Whitney for making this informative graphic! You can follow her on Instagram here.


This article originally appeared on 2.12.19

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If you don't have it, chronic anxiety can be hard to understand. These comics can help.

Ever felt like you can't explain how your anxiety feels? Artist Marzi has a solution.

Attention anyone with anxiety who spent time in class with their head down doodling in a notebook: This is a comic series for you.

Introvert Doodles started as a “self-pep talk” by a comic artist who goes by Marzi. She was inspired to explore her identity as an introvert after a personality test made her realize her introverted tendencies weren’t flaws — they were part of her personality.

On her site, she explains (in a doodle, of course):

Image by Marzi/@introvertdoodles.

“I was surprised when others connected with my doodles on Instagram,” she told The Mighty in an email. (“I’d love to hear from you. Just not over the phone,” she writes on her site.) “I realized I wasn’t the only one discovering that it’s OK to be an introvert.”

She also features comics about life with anxiety — although, she says, having anxiety and being an introvert are not synonymous.

“My anxiety began in my teens. I consider myself lucky, as right now it’s managed pretty well with medication,” she said. “I’m an introvert who happens to have anxiety …. Being an introvert simply means you draw your energy from within, and social outings drain your energy. It’s a personality you’re born with and not something that needs to be fixed.”

Image by Marzi/@introvertdoodles.

“Sometimes anxiety and introversion overlap,” Marzi said.

“In those cases, it’s helpful to identify the differences, so you know which tendencies to work on and which to embrace. I’ve learned that some things I was trying so hard to fix, didn’t need to be fixed at all. For example, it’s OK that I don’t have a big group of friends; it’s perfectly alright to just have one or two. It’s fine to leave a party early when I’m overstimulated. There’s nothing wrong with being quiet and only talking when I have something to say. As for the anxiety, I’m actively working to manage it.”

She says introverts like herself are finding a voice — and learning that, while their strengths are different from those of extroverts, they are no less valuable.

And while living with anxiety sometimes comes along with being an introvert, it’s not something that should be dismissed.

“The most important thing I want those without anxiety to understand is this: Even though the perceived danger may be irrational, the fear itself is very real,” she said. “So please, try to be patient.”

The comics show her understanding of how anxiety can make even the smallest things difficult.

Here are six more of her relatable anxiety doodles:

Image by Marzi/@introvertdoodles.

But it's worth celebrating every time you can overcome it.

Image by Marzi/@introvertdoodles.

She knows the feeling of a panic attack:

Image by Marzi/@introvertdoodles.

Image by Marzi/@introvertdoodles.

Image by Marzi/@introvertdoodles.

But she also helps guide friends and family through tough moments too.

Image by Marzi/@introvertdoodles.

To see more from Marzie, visit her site, follow her on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, and check out her book, "The Introvert Activity Guide."

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