Woman explains why grieving people are nostalgic for the first year of grief.
Losing a loved one is hard and can feel isolating. No one grieves exactly the same, leaving individuals to feel like they're alone in their journey. While grief is an individual journey, the stages of grief are the same, but for one woman, there's an unspoken grief stage that she believes some people go through. Ashley Southard lost her husband, SGT Andy Southard, a little over two years ago while he was on a military mission, leaving her to raise two children without him.
The still grieving wife uploaded a video sharing why some people become nostalgic for the first year of grief as the years begin to pass. "They say the second year of grief is the hardest, and I have lots of reasons why I think that is, but I don't think we talk enough about how nostalgic you feel for the first year of grief. How you kind of wish you could go back to the hardest time of your life, the most heartbreak in your life, because one, it's the time you can relate to being closest to the time they were alive." Southard says.
In memory: a solemn moment of reflection and farewell.Photo credit: Canva
She goes on to explain that, "There's a feeling of, when you tell someone that your husband died two weeks ago or a month ago, their reaction is parallel to the way that you feel about losing your spouse or your partner. Their reaction is genuine and visceral, and 'oh my God, I am so sorry,' and it's this shock and this awe of sympathy and empathy. But when you tell someone your husband died two years ago, or your dad died two years ago, their reaction isn't parallel to the way that you feel, because they expect that time does heal all wounds when that's not the case."
There was an overwhelming outpouring of understanding on TikTok, where the video was shared. People shared their own experiences with losing a loved one and how they've experienced the stage of grief she's speaking of, with one woman writing, "Yes! It’s like I’m not allowed to still feel sad anymore bc I’m just passed the one year mark. Ummm, I cried last night. My anxiety is still present. Is it as “bad” as when I first found out? Sometimes. I’m not as numb. I almost think I’m feeling it more."
Emotional moment on the porch.Photo credit: Canva
Southard explains in her caption that the first year is about survival. "The first year is often about survival. You’re in shock, numb, or moving through tasks and rituals (funeral, paperwork, anniversaries, holidays) that keep you going. By year two, that protective fog begins to lift, and the reality of permanence sinks in." She adds later within the caption, "The first year is raw. The second year often brings more reflection: who you were with them, who you are now, and how you’ll carry them forward. That’s a deeper layer of grief, not just pain, but reckoning. So it’s not that the second year is always harder, it’s that year two often strips away the buffers and illusions, leaving you face-to-face with the ongoing reality of loss.
"This is so yes this is exactly how I feel. I lost my dad just shy of 3 yrs and my husband over 2 yrs and I feel like I should should be fixed bc I think my pain is all the time. I don’t know how to live with my partner of 29 yrs. The person who knew me better than I knew myself is gone forever," another grieving person comments.
Gathered in remembrance and sorrow.Photo credit: Canva
One person understands the widow's grief all too well, commenting, "You are so right!!! No one knows unless they have been in our shoes, spouse loss is very traumatic! 4 yrs tomorrow that I lost my husband I still miss him everyday! Time does go on but it still HURTS!! Hugs & prayers to all the widows and widowers out there!"
"I’m here for it all. Those feelings are ‘fresh’ regardless of the time since loss. Just wish it was easier to know what to do from trying to support the grieving perspective," someone else relates.
Woman embracing a sweater in a moment of reflection.Photo credit: Canva
A widower is already feeling the pressure to move on, noting, "Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of me losing my wife, and I can feel this coming already. People are acting like once I get through the first year, then I will be fine. I’m sorry, but my pain does not suddenly stop because it’s been a year. The pain is something I will carry the rest of my life!"
An anonymous gardener also shared her wisdom, commenting, "I think grief is like the ocean. It’s always vast. Sometimes it’s calm, sometimes it’s stormy. Sometimes you see the storm coming, sometimes it’s sweeps in before you can prepare yourself. Sometimes it is actually beautiful…But it’s always vast."
Grieving the loss of a loved one is uniquely personal.
"Grief is the flipside of the coin of love." - Gina Chick
"Every path is the right one, because it’s ours." - Gina Chick