customs

In the modern world, the importance of "manners" as widely agreed upon standards of behavior and habits of a civilized society feels fairly antiquated. What used to be considered rude has become commonplace, what was polite is now seen as stuffy, vulgarity ranges from tolerated to celebrated, and shared expectations of common courtesy have all but dissolved.

Depending on your age and perspective, the above statement may invoke a high five or a serious eye roll. Sure, we've shed some of the social norms outdated ideas about what's right and proper, but isn't that generally a good thing? Or have we unfortunately thrown the baby out with the bathwater?

Someone asked Gen Xers and boomers on Reddit what "customary shows of good manners" they've been sad to see go by the wayside, and the responses are a reminder that manners aren't just arbitrary rules. Often, they stem from thoughtfulness and appreciation of others, which are universal values we can all get behind.

Not all manners-of-old are worth keeping, but here are some of the "good manners" Gen Xers and boomers say they'd like to see make a comeback:

Saying thank you

Expressing gratitude is good for you and feels good to the person receiving it. Anyone who does a service for you, even if they're getting paid for it, deserves a simple "thank you."

"Saying thank you to people whose job it is to help you in some way. Yes, it is their job, but that doesn't mean you should just ignore them. I always say thank you, and many people look surprised before smiling and saying, 'You're welcome!'"

"As a little kid, I remember my mom telling me "say thank you" when someone would do something, anything, for me. Many times I'd roll my eyes and dramatically sigh "thank youuu" to people. It was expected that parents would, you know, parent in real time. Other adults understood."

"I am always surprised at the looks I get when I say 'thank you' to store clerks, cashiers, baggers, etc. I can’t tell if they have never heard the words before or if no one ever says it to them. If I add 'have a nice day' I really get stared at."

"Just a thank you in general is nice but often forgotten- I had to text my nephew once and said Did you get this gift because you never said anything about it."

"Heck. I even thank the AI assistant on Amazon. =-)"

Grace (as in saving others from feeling embarrassed)

The embarrassment or humiliation of others has become the basis of loads of social media content, and this kind of "grace" feels like a relic from a bygone era. Being gracious may be a lost art, but it's a valuable one worth reviving.

"There used to be a principle taught to children called 'grace,' which was so important it was a common name for girls, and it didn’t mean moving gracefully and smoothly.

It meant feeling discomfort when you saw another person embarrassed, and gracefully deflecting attention from the embarrassed person.

My grandmother lives this concept in a deeply-ingrained and well-rehearsed way, if she sees someone trip or drop anything, she will loudly say something unrelated and gesticulate to draw attention away from them. She will minimize and dismiss whatever embarrassed them and change the subject.

I have never seen her express delight at the embarrassment of another person."

"Some other examples: A 'grace period' for paying a bill after it's technically due. They are overlooking the embarrassment of you not paying on time.

A gracious host will overlook a faux pas that should be embarrassing to the guest. Forget a name? The gracious host will cover it up by casually using their name in conversation. Didn't bring anything to a dinner party? The gracious host will never mention it.

And then the most gracious of all: Don't gossip about it later."

"I miss the quality of grace so badly."

Introducing people to each other

In the digital age, we've lost some of the basics of in-person social interactions including making sure everyone present at least gets introduced to one another.

"Introductions. Including someone in a conversation. Lisa, this is my friend John. John, we were just talking about where to get the best fries. What do you think?"

"I do this with my middle schoolers! If there's a partner activity and someone doesn't have a partner, I walk them to another person or group and introduce them like they've never met. 'Hey, have you met my friend Tracy? Tracy, this is Alex. Can she join your group?'"

"Yes! Also responding to greetings. I teach middle school. We just had an advisory lesson on Communication. When I explained that the purpose of manners were to help people feel comfortable, something seemed to click with some of the kids."

"I’ve been in the company of men I work with, playing in a band with them for a few years and when their wife finally comes to a gig and is standing next to them, no attempt is made to say, 'This is my wife .' I’ve realised only after the fact that was their partner! Someone who I see and hang out with multiple times in a week and then their partner is there and they never think to introduce."

Being aware of your impact on a public space

How many times have you been in a waiting room, restaurant or public transportation and had a person watching a video or taking a call on speaker phone without headphones? (To be fair, it's often the older folks engaging in this behavior, so not necessarily a generational thing.)

"Discretion. So many people have no problem talking loudly and forcing everyone within 100 feet to suffer through their conversation."

"Cell phones on speaker in public areas have led to me hearing medical details that should really be kept personal."

"This new trend of having your phone on speaker in public is infuriating. Not sure it is the case but the apparent arrogance of thinking that you are so important/interesting that your need to share your every moment is breathtaking. And what about privacy? Do these people not value that?"

"Omg. I’m 51 and my aunt is 70. The last time we went to lunch (her male roommate was also there) she put her phone on speaker in the middle of the restaurant to talk loudly to the doctor about her vaginal cream for ten straight minutes. I’m now dead inside."

"Allowing kids to run around a restaurant is a pet peeve of mine - they should be taught that behavior disturbs other diners and the wait staff. I am one of 5 siblings and on the rare occasion my family went out to eat (people ate out a lot less in the ‘60s) my parents reviewed the rules before we left the house, and made sure we adhered to them once there. I remember the looks of horror on people’s faces as we paraded in single file but almost every time someone would come over and compliment my parents on our behavior. We were allowed a little slack at a place like Howard Johnson’s but knew how to behave at finer establishments. I don’t mind a child getting out of hand - I understand waiting for your food is hard - as long as the parents are doing their best to keep things under control. Child friendly should not mean child-run anarchy."

Not dropping f-bombs indiscriminately

Everyone has different feelings about swearing, but the norms of when and where have definitely loosened, both in what people say in public spaces and what people put in their yards.

"Not saying 'f__k' in public. Used to be you never heard that word in public, now it's on bumper stickers and political flags."

"Not swearing in front of others who may not share your casual approach to language or around children/older folks. BTW when I say older folks I'm talking older (not necessarily me lol!)."

"I'm in a couple of online sewing/quilting groups and recently a new-ish member posted a question, it was about 3 sentences long, F-word used 3 times! in questions about sewing! I actually commented and replied I'm sorry I cannot begin to concentrate on your sewing issue because all I see is foul language. Other people also commented that it isn't necessary to use that kind of language. They edited the post."

"Clean language in the presence of children, elders and in public is gone. I'll never accept casual F bombing of everyone within earshot with your conversations."

Watching out for others in your path

Awareness of how you might be inconveniencing others as you move through space may have gone by the wayside, but maybe we can return to some of this common sense sensibility by simply looking up and around more.

"I don't know if this is strictly manners, but it's a matter of self-absorption: walking straight out into the street without pause, without waiting for cars that are very near to pass. Sometimes they're looking down at their phones. Sometimes they're just staring straight ahead.

Edit: the driver's version is not stopping when someone's standing at the crosswalk waiting to cross. Even though they've been standing there since you were 100 yards away or more."

"Or another version that I encountered at Costco yesterday, the people walking to or from their cars, straight down the middle of the driving lane. One just took her time strolling in front of me and I really wanted to rev my engine. Choose a side already!"

"And walking slowly across the street while looking at their phones."

"Taking up the sidewalks and crosswalks by talking or staring at their phones when others are trying to get by. Expecting the old people to get out of THEIR way, that’s the most common frustration."

There are some other manners people mentioned, some of which might be debatable or are simply personal preferences. It's also important to recognize that disabilities, neurodiversity and cultural diversity also play a role in how people behave or interpret behavior towards others. There have always been and will always be exceptions, and sometimes altering expectations for everyone is the best way to be inclusive of everyone.

But one comment that summed up the reasoning for manners in the first place is worth pondering as we determine what to bring back and what to leave behind:

"I think what bothers me is that no one seems to understand the point of manners. I see people saying how many of them were just stupid, and maybe they are, but the point is discipline and acknowledging the people around you. It keeps us mindful and living in a sense of community and rule following, and that is dying fast. Don’t make manners pointless, even if it’s a stupid manner. Do it in a state of thoughtfulness and appreciation."