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What to do when you're the child of an alcoholic

My dad was an addict, and growing up with him taught me a lot.

Photo with permission from writer Ashley Tieperman.

Ashley Tieperman and her father.


There was never just one moment in my family when we “found out" that my dad was an addict.

I think I always knew, but I never saw him actually drinking. Usually, he downed a fifth of vodka before he came home from work or hid tiny bottles in the garage and bathroom cabinets.


My name is Ashley, and I am the child of an addict. As a kid, I cried when our family dinner reservation shrunk from four to three after a man with glassy eyes stumbled through the door. I didn't guzzle the vodka, but I felt the heartbreak of missed birthdays. I feel like I should weigh 500 pounds from all the “I'm sorry" chocolate donuts. I had to grow up quicker, but it made me into the person I am today.

addiction, coping, 12 step programs, recovery

Me and my dad.

Photo with permission from writer Ashley Tieperman.

I spent many years shouting into journals about why this was happening to me. But this is the thing that no one will tell you about loving someone who has an addiction: it will force you to see the world through different eyes.

Here are some things I've learned:

1. When your family's yelling about burnt toast, they're probably also yelling about something else.

My family yelled about everything — and nothing — to avoid the messy stuff. We all handled my dad's addiction differently. My brother devoured sports. My mom took bubble baths. I slammed doors and slammed boyfriends for not understanding my family's secrets.

Regardless of the preferred coping mechanism, everyone feels pain differently.

2. Your "knight in shining armor" can't fix this.

Boyfriends became my great escape when I was young. But when I expected them to rescue me from the pain I grew up with, it never worked out. No matter how strapping they looked galloping in on those white horses, they couldn't save me or fix anything.

In the end, I realized that I had to find healing on my own before I could build a strong relationship.

3. “Don't tell anyone" is a normal phase.

When my dad punched holes in the wall, my mom covered them up with artwork. I wanted to rip the artwork down to expose all the holes, especially as a bratty teenager. But eventually I realized that it wasn't my choice. My parents had bills to pay and jobs to keep. I've learned it's common to cover up for dysfunction in your family, especially when it feels like the world expects perfection.

4. Friends probably won't get it, but you'll need them anyway.

Bulldozed by broken promises, I remember collapsing on a friend's couch from the crippling pain of unmet expectations. I hyperventilated. Things felt uncontrollable and hopeless. My friend rubbed my back and just listened.

These are the kinds of friends I will keep forever, the ones who crawled down into the dark places with me and didn't make me get back up until I was ready.

5. You can't fix addiction, but you can help.

When I was a teenager, I called a family meeting. I started by playing a Switchfoot song: “This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"

Let's skip to the punchline: It didn't work.

It wasn't just me. Nothing anyone did worked. My dad had to lose a lot — mostly himself — before he hit that place they call “rock bottom." And, in all honesty, I hate that label because “rock bottom" isn't just a one-and-done kind of place.

What can you do while you wait for someone to actually want to get help? Sometimes, you just wait. And you hope. And you pray. And you love. And you mostly just wait.

6. Recovery is awkward.

When a counselor gave me scripted lines to follow if my dad relapsed, I wanted to shred those “1-2-3 easy steps" into a million pieces.

For me, there was nothing easy about my dad's recovery. My whole family had to learn steps to a new dance when my dad went into recovery. The healing dance felt like shuffling and awkwardly stepping on toes. It was uncomfortable; new words, like trust and respect, take time to sink in. And that awkwardness is also OK.

7. I still can't talk about addiction in the past tense.

Nothing about an addict's life happens linearly. I learned that early on. My dad cycled through 12-step programs again and again, to the point where I just wanted to hurl whenever anyone tried to talk about it. And then we finally reached a point where it felt like recovery stuck.

But even now, I'll never say, “My dad used to deal with addiction." My whole family continues to wrestle with the highs and lows of life with an addict every single day.

8. Happy hours and wedding receptions aren't easy to attend.

My family will also probably never clink glasses of red wine or stock the fridge full of beer. I'm convinced happy hours and wedding receptions will get easier, but they might not. People get offended when my dad orders a Diet Coke instead of their fine whisky.

Plus, there's the paranoia factor. Surrounded by flowing liquor, I hate watching my dad crawl out of his skin, tempted to look “normal" and tackle small talk with people we barely know. I've learned that this fear will probably last for a while, and it's because I care.

9. If you close your eyes, the world doesn't just “get prettier."

With constant fear of the unknown, sometimes our world is not a pretty place. I remember watching the breaking news on 9/11 and feeling the terror of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers as if I was there.

My dad numbed the anxiety of these dark days with vodka, but this didn't paint a prettier world for him when he woke up the next day. I've dealt with the fear of the unknown with the help of boys, booze, and bad dancing on pool tables. Life hurts for everyone, and I think we all have to decide how we're going to handle the darkness.

10. Rip off the sign on your back that reads: “KICK ME. MY LIFE SUCKS."

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see only my broken journey. In some twisted way, I'm comforted by the dysfunction because it's kept me company for so long. It's easy to let the shadow of my family's past follow me around and choose to drown in the darkness.

But every day, I'm learning to turn on the light. I have to write the next chapter in my recovery story, but I can't climb that mountain with all this crap weighing me down.

11. It's OK to forgive, too.

Some people have given me sucky advice about how I should write an anthem on daddy bashing, or how to hit the delete button on the things that shaped my story.

Instead, my dad and I are both learning to celebrate the little things, like the day that he could change my flat tire. On that day, I didn't have to wonder if he was too drunk to come help me.

I can't forget all the dark nights of my childhood.

But I've learned that for my own well-being, I can't harbor bitterness until I explode.

Instead, I can love my dad, day by day, and learn to trust in the New Dad — the one with clearer eyes and a full heart. The one who rescues me when I call.


This article was written by Ashley Tieperman and originally appeared on 04.27.16

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12 funny comics that might help you feel a bit less anxious today.

"I honestly think that humour can be a saviour at times of distress or, if you just live with a constant level of anxiety and depression like I do."

Everyone grapples with anxiety from time to time, but for illustrator Gemma Correll, it's a longer, constant battle. That's why she started making funny comics to cope.

While Correll is British, to give you homeland perspective, anxiety disorders affect 18% of the adult population (40 million people), making it the most common mental illness. As such, many treatments and coping methods are available both clinically and homeopathically, but since anxiety can manifest differently in everyone, nothing is a surefire fix. Thus it falls to individuals to perform a lot of trial and error.

In a lucky turn of events, Correll discovered her coping method could also be her career. She illustrates hilarious comics, many of which often directly relate to her own anxiety.


"I honestly think that humour can be a saviour at times of distress or, if you just live with a constant level of anxiety and depression like I do," she told Mashable.

Yes, her work has helped her deal with the daily struggles that accompany her anxiety, but she also hopes it brings comfort to others and perhaps even inspires them to speak out about their own struggles. The more candid we are about anxiety, the less alone people living with it will feel.

Here are 12 examples of how Correll's anxiety translates into hysterical comics.

1. To someone with anxiety, worrying and overthinking go hand in hand.

[rebelmouse-image 19523719 dam="1" original_size="700x861" caption=""World champion over-thinker." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"World champion over-thinker." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

2. Correll's anxiety often comes with a generous helping of depression.

[rebelmouse-image 19523720 dam="1" original_size="700x700" caption=""Pasta shapes for the depressed." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"Pasta shapes for the depressed." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

3. When those conditions combine, socializing is usually the last thing you want to do.

[rebelmouse-image 19523721 dam="1" original_size="700x525" caption=""Decision making dice for my social life." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"Decision making dice for my social life." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

4. Because now, everything is the worst, scariest thing.

[rebelmouse-image 19523722 dam="1" original_size="700x917" caption=""Real life horror movies." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"Real life horror movies." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

5. Even when you try to use exercise to lift yourself out of it, it backfires...

[rebelmouse-image 19523723 dam="1" original_size="600x600" caption=""Worrier pose." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"Worrier pose." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

6. ...and then you end up on the floor, crushed by life.

[rebelmouse-image 19523724 dam="1" original_size="700x700" caption=""The perils of chronic overthinking." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"The perils of chronic overthinking." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

7. That's when you arrive in Depression Land! The crappiest place on Earth!

[rebelmouse-image 19523725 dam="1" original_size="700x962" caption=""Depression Land." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"Depression Land." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

8. But don't worry, your emotional baggage will never get lost on the way.

[rebelmouse-image 19523726 dam="1" original_size="700x525" caption=""Emotional baggage." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"Emotional baggage." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

9. When anxiety is constant, even uplifting messages seem like they're mocking you.

[rebelmouse-image 19523728 dam="1" original_size="700x875" caption=""Can't keep calm and carry on." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"Can't keep calm and carry on." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

10. But remember, you're not alone in these feelings.

[rebelmouse-image 19523729 dam="1" original_size="600x960" caption=""Emotional state birds." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"Emotional state birds." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

11. Even trees get where you're coming from.

[rebelmouse-image 19523730 dam="1" original_size="700x700" caption=""Anxie-trees." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"Anxie-trees." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

12. Ultimately, you deserve to feel good for getting the seemingly little things done, because all of them together is life.

[rebelmouse-image 19523731 dam="1" original_size="1000x1134" caption=""I wish I still got stickers for doing hard stuff." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission." expand=1]"I wish I still got stickers for doing hard stuff." Comic by Gemma Correll, used with permission.

There will be other days, however, where you just can't. And that's OK too. Everyone needs to take a mental health day from time to time.

If you notice those days are becoming more and more frequent, though, it might be time to look into new coping methods. Whether that's therapy, exercise, or drawing funny comics, it's important to figure out something that will help you keep carrying on even if you're not completely calm throughout.

Just when you thought you might have a little break from all the anxiety created by this election year, Thanksgiving has appeared on the horizon.

As if the holiday that already boasts extra-high levels of stress due to travel and cooking mass quantities of food wasn't enough, the divisiveness that's been caused by this election has polarized friends and families in unprecedented ways.

With less than two weeks for us to process our feelings (because the universe likes to torture us), many of us will have to face those loved ones across a dinner table with only a cooked bird and roasted root vegetables to protect us.


Wouldn't it be great if you had a handy guide to help you navigate the sticky situations that might arise?

Well, this year, you will! Upworthy reached out to our readers to find out how they plan to deal with uncomfortable political conversations when they arise at the Thanksgiving table. Hundreds of responses poured in, and we compiled the best ones for you.

Here are 25 ways people are navigating their Thanksgiving plans this year:

(Responses have been edited for length and clarity.)

1. "Focus on commonalities. Focus on positives. Plan topic ideas to bring up. Maybe ban political talk." — David Bishop/Twitter.

2. "Try to only say statements reasonable people should agree with: We need unity. People deserve equality and fairness." — Chris Blue/Twitter.

3. "Consider having a compassionate meal with friends instead. You don't have to go." — @Aviatrixt/Twitter.

Photo via iStock.

4. "For today, I'd rather have a good amicable relationship with them than be 'right' or 'win.' Because for a while there, our differences robbed us of being able to come together as a family. So there are things I won't engage with them about to maintain my own peace." — Alesandra Nahodil/Facebook.

5. "Just don't go. Stick with people you actually like. I don't understand why people keep up toxic relationships just because it's family and you think you have to. You don't." — Michelle Edgar/Facebook.

6. "I planned to host it at my house this year, however, the last time my family was together they tried to tell me the holocaust was a hoax... so I'm volunteering to feed the homeless instead!" — Mary Jordan/Facebook.

GIF via "SNL."

7. "I think this might be the year to have those conversations. We need to talk about what is going on, on a very personal level. If you are concerned about the racial hatred going on right now, you need to show that to your people — your family." — Louise Woletz-Hinz/Facebook.

8. "Kindly explain to them that they've been duped by a racist narcissist sociopath who will conspire with elites to make their condition worse." — Christopher R Walker/Twitter.

9. "Let the grandkids lecture the grandparents. It's devastatingly effective." — Hesiod Theogeny/Twitter.

10. "My plan is to simply not discuss politics at Thanksgiving. I won't bring it up and if anyone else does, I'll just leave the room." — Carrie Wiese/Facebook.

11. "Believe it or not, you CAN have healthy, functional and genuinely loving relationships with people who you don't agree with...Your beliefs are your own, and you are more likely to change a person's mind about something by being kind and being able to lightly and politely discuss things without getting emotionally charged." — Courtney Jonnae Hogan/Facebook.

12. "When it's being pushed, I simply say, 'We know we disagree with each other. I'd like to move on.' It may sound like weakness to some, but I've experienced more peace that way." —Jenn Visconti Stegman/Facebook.

13. "My general thoughts are that listening is needed to diffuse conservative fear and anger." — Matthew Troy-Regier/Twitter.

14. "Anyone wanting to talk about the election has to participate in a Hamilton style cabinet debate. No one except for the Hamilton fans can pull off a rap. So I think we'll be ok." — Amy Napier/Facebook.

Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images.

15. "Listen underneath 'who the enemy is' to what they really want, what they are really afraid of...because that's where there's a lot more common ground than we realize." — Zahava Griss/Facebook direct message.

17. "Do what I do:
Cousin: You're an embarrassment to the country for how you've acted about losing the election!
Me: LOOK the dog is humping the cat ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?!" — Cara Siegel/Facebook.

18. "Don't take the bait. This is going to be my mantra." — @krista225/Twitter.

19. "No politics at family gatherings. Talk about what we're grateful for, outside of the political arena." — Lisbeth Pierce/Twitter.

20. "Step 1: open Scotch." — @aplayonsarcasm/Twitter.

21. "Make sure dinner is so delicious they never stop chewing." — Linda Salazar/Twitter.

22. "I think it's important not to live in a bubble and an echo chamber which we often see on social media...Sometimes you just have to listen. If someone starts being irrational, throw facts and data at them. Be as dispassionate as you can." — Jason Nellis, via phone interview.

23. "Money Jar. Anyone who mentions anything to do with politics or government has to put $ in the jar. The fines increase every time the rule is broken." — Nicole Piazza/Facebook. (Note: Consider donating the money to a good cause!)

24. "I am using the line 'I have my pen and paper in hand ready to write down all the great things he does for all the citizens of this country including the elderly, working/middle class folks of all religions and nationalities.'" —Sheryl Friedrichs Byrnes/Facebook.

25. "I plan to say 'Let's find something better to talk about it.' As the hostess, you totally get to drive where the conversation goes. I didn't spend all those years watching Downton Abbey and not learn about having parties." — Courtney Widney/Facebook.

GIF via "Downton Abbey."

Of course, there's not a magical Thanksgiving solution that will work for all families — every family is different.

What may work great for one family could blow up in the faces of another. And yes, many of these tips aren't serious because humor is often the best way to cope in times like these (see "SNL's" "Thanksgiving Miracle" sketch). Sometimes, it's the only the thing that can bring everyone together, if only for a few minutes.

You don't have to bridge the gap between family members with opposing views for this Thanksgiving to be a good one. It's just about making it through without incurring too much emotional, mental, or — god forbid — physical damage.

And if that means bowing out this year, that's OK too. There's always next year ... or four years from now.

Melissa Spitz's mother was institutionalized for the first time when Melissa was 6 years old.

Back then, Mrs. Spitz had just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and as the years went by, her mental health continued to decline. She worked her way through a hysterectomy and cancer treatment, which led to alcohol abuse, a prescription pill problem, and, eventually, a divorce from Spitz's father.

"I was actually extremely fortunate and started seeing a therapist when I was 13. It was initially to deal with my mother’s recent cancer diagnosis, but naturally a lot came up," Spitz said. "As a kid it was chaos and nothing made sense. I empathize with her a lot more, but I really feel as if I am still putting all the pieces back together."


"The last time Dad remembers Mom being 'Normal,' Bumbershoot, Seattle, 1994." All photos by Melissa Spitz/You Have Nothing to Worry About, used with permission.

After her parents' divorce, Spitz turned to photography as a coping mechanism. But it wasn't until she got to art school that she turned the lens on her own mother.

One of Spitz's undergraduate photography projects at the University of Missouri involved documenting an element of her private life for class. There was no question that she'd be heading home to immortalize her mother's fragile state.

"By turning the camera toward my mother and my relationship with her, I capture her behavior as an echo of my own emotional response," she explained in her artist statement. "The images function like an ongoing conversation."

True to her mother's bipolar diagnosis, the resulting photo series, "You Have Nothing to Worry About," depicts a life of stark binary contrasts.

Spitz shoots candids as well as posed photos. Some images upset; others encourage. Some show the good parts of her relationship with her mother, and some show the bad.

Spitz passed the class, of course. But seven years later, she still hasn't finished the project. In fact, she plans to keep documenting her mother's struggle with mental illness as long as she's alive — for her mother's sake and for her own.

"Picture at home, 2015."

"It can be exhausting, but it is extremely cathartic," Spitz said.  "I really believe every image is just as much an image of me as it is of her."

"How can it not be?"

"We are both willing participants and both share the highs and lows of our relationship," she added.

"Mom doing her make-up, 2016."

Spitz eventually uploaded her photos to Instagram and found that the framed and fractured feel of the feed actually enhanced the experience of viewing the photos.

"I decided to try something new and started slicing my images and building these grids. It felt like the perfect opportunity to think about a social media platform in a different way," she explained.

The scattered chronology, varying photo sizes, and fragmented images that resulted made the photo series even more reflective of her mother's condition and their relationship.

A screengrab of Spitz's Instagram feed, showing a collage of the first portrait she took in 2009 (below) and shots from an exhibition where she displayed her photo "Quiet Please, 2016" in a similar fashion.

Instagram has also helped her vivid images to reach a wider audience — many of whom deal with similar problems.

Spitz's photographs don't just put the spotlight on her mother. They've also contributed to the larger conversation about mental health and helped to encourage people to share their own stories, often in the comments of her Instagram page.

"I have always wanted mental health to be treated the same way as physical ailments and that support for family members would be more readily available," Spitz said. "I hope my body of work and Instagram can be a small champion of this support system."

"Note from Adam to Mom, 2012," which inspired the name of the photo series.

Spitz has captured countless moments of bleak, honest beauty on camera. But she's seen her share of frights as well.

There are photos in the series of her mother's continued panic attacks, for example. Other photos show the huge regime of pills her mother relies on for stability and a B.B. gun, which her mother keeps "for protection."

"My brother and I have come to terms with the harsh reality that one day we will most likely be survivors of a suicide. It is our biggest fear," Spitz wrote in one particularly harrowing post, accompanying an image of her mother sprawled out on the carpet. She explained:

"When I used to live at home I hated unlocking the door, I constantly imagined her dead. As a kid I found my Mom laying on the kitchen floor, or bathroom floor multiple times. I remember her looking at me once and asking, 'Where’s Melissa?' She was so out if she couldn’t even recognize my face… I was 16."

Photography makes it easier for Spitz to cope and understand her mother. But it can't cure her mother's illness.

For all her struggles, her mother is moved by the power of her daughter's work — and she hopes that it can help other people, too.

"If I can help one person not feel alone, I am glad I’ve shared my story," her mother said.

When Spitz first embarked on her photographic journey, her mother was still living in the house that she had owned with her ex-husband and was still drinking heavily. But she was given a new voice just from seeing herself through her daughter's eyes. That empowerment helped lead her to quit drinking and to move into a new apartment.

Spitz's relationship with her mother is just one story of life with mental illness. But her willingness to share that hard story with the world is really important.

Not every case of bipolar disorder — or of difficult-but-loving mother-daughter relationships — looks the same. Even Spitz herself is careful to point out that her work is not intended as a blanket statement on mental health overall.

But at a time when mental illness is still constantly stigmatized, stories like these can open people's eyes and remind us that every family has their struggles and that everyone deserves compassion and support.