anger management

Other people behaving badly can easily disrupt someone's day. People can become angry, sad, or simply unsettled by something someone else says or does, even if they're a stranger. When something like this happens, it usually feels like you have no control over how upset you get from the actions of another person, but what if that wasn't the case?

What if an angry driver screaming at you didn't cause you to feel flustered and out of sorts? There just might be a way to control your negative reaction to others' poor behavior by using a simple technique. It doesn't involve buying a course or sitting through some long seminar, either. It's a trick that many therapists teach clients when learning to manage their emotions without making them someone else's problem.

Heated argument between friends in a bedroom.Photo credit: Canva

YouTube creator Jamie Social recently uploaded a video explaining that anger is a choice. While some may disagree with such a broad oversimplification of anger being an option we simply choose, there is some truth to it once it's broken down into smaller parts. Most people would probably say that they wouldn't choose to be angry if they were given the option between being content or being angry. So, how is anger a choice? And how can someone tap into feeling like they have the option to choose?

"Neurologically, the stress chemicals that create anger naturally flush from your system in exactly 90 seconds, but we keep the anger alive by replaying the story, rehearsing our comeback," Social explains. "It's like having a smoke alarm that goes off when you burn toast, but instead of opening a window, you keep making more toast."

Driver expressing frustration in traffic.Photo credit: Canva

Before explaining how to gain control over those spiraling thoughts that keep you angry long after the inciting incident, Social lists different myths about anger. The first myth is about people who like to push the buttons of other people. Since no one else is in control of your emotions, no one can push your buttons to make you angry, sad, or any other negative emotion, according to the video.

"Buttons only work when they're connected to something. Those buttons are actually unhealed wounds or value violations from your past. When someone pushes your buttons, they're showing you exactly where you still need healing," Social says before later adding that stopping to ask what the feeling is really about can give you time to slow down and think about other instances that made you feel that way. It's the revealing of why the button is there, so it can be disconnected from the source of pain.

Therapists will often say that anger is a secondary emotion. Social reiterates that point by sharing that anger often acts as a bodyguard for more vulnerable emotions. Hurt, fear, disappointment, and embarrassment are all more vulnerable emotions to express, so anger pops up instead to protect the person from feeling emotions they may not be ready to face yet. But learning to identify the underlying emotions can significantly reduce instances of anger, according to Social.

Discovering your own "choice point" is key to helping to eliminate being bothered by other people's behaviors and actions.

"In that space lies freedom," Social says. "Most people don't even know this space exists. Victor Frankle discovered this in a Nazi concentration camp. No matter what happens to you, you always have the freedom to choose your response. That trigger hits, your body floods with chemicals. But before you react, there's a microsecond of choice. When you learn to find that choice point, you become the author of your own experiences."

Offering comfort in times of need.Photo credit: Canva

Additional suggestions include becoming the observer of your emotions instead of becoming them. It's noticing what your body is feeling but not engaging with it in a way that would cause a reaction. Social also mentions reframing people you find difficult to interact with by viewing them as personal trainers for your emotions.

"Every difficult person in your life shows you exactly where you need to grow," Social explains. "That critical boss, they're training your resilience muscle. That passive aggressive neighbor, they're developing your boundary-setting skills. Just like a physical trainer puts you through uncomfortable exercises to make you stronger, emotional trainers build your emotional strength."

Utilizing breaks when you don't have the emotional capacity, creating a trigger journal to know what triggers you, creating healthy boundaries, and avoiding creating stories in your head are additional techniques to help with not reacting negatively.

Changing your response to other people's actions will take time and practice, but these simple strategies will put you on the path to having a calmer existence.