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Simple things you can do to help someone who may be thinking about suicide

This problem is bigger than numbers. It's people. It's moms, dads, kids, siblings, grandparents, friends, and partners.

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Sometimes it's hard to recognize if someone is depressed.

Suicide affects people across race, age, gender, and socioeconomic status. Quite frankly, suicide doesn't care.

More than 45,000 people died by suicide in 2020 alone, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. For people between ages 10 and 34, it's the second leading cause of death. While thousands complete suicide each year, an estimated 9.4 million adults in the U.S. had serious thoughts of committing suicide.

This problem is bigger than numbers. It's people. It's moms, dads, kids, siblings, grandparents, friends, and partners.

These are complex but treatable issues, and yet too often it's still considered taboo to discuss or speak frankly about suicide or mental health.

When a friend, loved one, or colleague appears to be suicidal, it can be hard to know what to do or say. But the numbers don't lie. Our silence won't slow this public health crisis; when it comes to helping someone in need, inaction is not an option.

Health professionals and people who specialize in suicide prevention say there are small actions you can take to help.

Here are some simple things you can do to help someone who may be thinking about taking their life:

1. Know what to look for.

Familiarize yourself with the warning signs. People thinking about suicide or self-harm may talk about feeling hopeless, trapped, or in incredible pain; withdraw from friends or family; experience drastic changes in mood; and/or increase their use of alcohol or drugs. Someone considering suicide may also talk or write about wanting to die. But the warning signs aren't always cut and dry.

"We tell people to look for changes," says Andy Cartmill, a trainer of suicide and intervention models and senior program educator with Addiction Services for Washington County, Oregon. "Trust your intuition. If you think something is up, there's no harm in being honest and saying, 'I just noticed a change. Are you doing OK?'"

2. Show support without judgment or anger.

Even if your friend hasn't reached out to you, check in. Let them know you care about them and you're concerned. This isn't the time to panic, argue with them, or even to try and talk them out of it.

"We tend to fix things and point out people's strengths and say, 'What about your wife?' 'What about your kids?'" Cartmill says. "It's possible they might not perceive those as strengths. So they very well might think, 'I'm doing my wife or kids a favor by relieving them of a burden.'"

Simply listen. And allow them to speak without judgment.

3. Ask specific questions.

If you're not sure if your friend is in immediate danger, the best thing to do is ask.

Individuals at the highest risk for suicide in the near future will often have a plan, the means to put the plan into action, a time frame, and intention. Asking questions will help you determine immediate risks, and the answers may inform what you do next:

  • "Do you have a plan to harm or kill yourself?"
  • "Do you have access to weapons or things you can use to harm yourself?"
  • "Have you thought about how or when you would do it?"
  • "Are you thinking about suicide?"

If you don't know what a statement or response means, ask for clarity. This may feel awkward or intimidating, but it's important to be direct and honest. And don't worry, talking about suicide won't plant the seed in someone's head.

"Research over and over again says that is not going to happen," Cartmill says. "That's one of the things people are afraid of ... 'If I ask that question, am I going to get them thinking about suicide?' and the answer is no."

4. It's OK to not know what to say.

If you're not a trained health professional or crisis counselor, this territory can be tough to navigate. It's OK to not have the perfect speech or talking points. It's first and foremost your job to listen and recognize they're hurting. That means not changing the subject or minimizing their pain.

"You don't have to be an expert; you really don't. Listening respectfully and being honest is OK," Cartmill says. "It's OK to tell people, 'What you're saying is scaring me. I want you to be OK,' and go from there."

5. Suggest professional help, or offer to help them find it.

This is not an effort to pass them off to someone else and instead aims to get them to a doctor or therapist better equipped to help with their pain. If they're seeing a professional, encourage them to get in touch with them immediately. You can even offer to accompany them to the appointment.

If they're not under a doctor or counselor's care, help them find a mental health professional or call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255). It's a free, 24/7 service that can provide people thinking about suicide and those who care about them with support and connections to local resources.

6. Remember, if it's an immediate or crisis situation, it is OK to use the emergency room.

If you wouldn't hesitate to call for a broken bone or allergic reaction, don't hesitate with suicide. In a true crisis, it can't wait.

Suicide doesn't care. But lots of people do.

Keep the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in your phone, 800-273-TALK (8255). In an emergency, having that number handy for yourself or someone you care about may make all the difference.

Even talking about suicide or suicidal ideation may seem overwhelming or scary, but experts agree: Hope and recovery are possible. There are many treatment options available, with several at low or no cost. It starts with paying attention to warning signs, reaching out, and getting help if you need it.

This article originally appeared on 04.12.17

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Family

Watch men read their old suicide notes in a gut-wrenching PSA about getting help.

Content warning: discussion of suicidal thoughts and actions.

Suicide is often a silent killer.

Not only has it quietly become one of the leading causes of death in the U.S., but it's often the hesitation and fear of speaking up and asking for help that makes suicide seem like the only option.

In a way, our silence is killing us. And this is especially true for men.

In a gut-wrenching new PSA from the Movember Foundation, a nonprofit focused on men's health, men read aloud old suicide notes they'd written to loved ones years ago, after they'd decided to kill themselves.

Thankfully, none of them followed through. They decided to speak up instead.

It's a gripping reminder that "suicide notes talk too late" when it comes to accessing care:

As the PSA hints, far more men die from suicide than women.

While suicide rates have surged to 30-year highs across many demographics in the U.S. — with alarming spikes among both middle-aged women and young girls — men are still much more likely to kill themselves overall, according to data from the CDC.

"Globally, the rate of suicide is alarmingly high, particularly in men," as Movember's website points out. "Too many men are 'toughing it out,' keeping their feelings to themselves and struggling in silence."

One particular subgroup of men, however, has been especially affected.

As FiveThirtyEight reported, middle-age white men living in the American West are three times as likely to die from suicide than the national average. Locals in Wyoming — a state where roughly 8 in 10 suicides are men — blame it on the  “cowboy-up” mentality: pull yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on.

Call it whatever you want, but the "tough it out" strategy and the "cowboy-up" mentality are exactly the wrong ways to take care of your mental health.

Gender norms hurt both women and men, and nothing exemplifies that better than the discrepancy in suicide rates.

As boys, we're taught not to cry. As teens, we're told to suck it up.

It's no wonder research suggests men are less likely to reach out for help when struggling with depression, substance abuse, or stressful life events.

Men are told time and time again that opening up and showing emotion is a form of weakness, even though it can be the bravest, strongest thing a person can do.

Photo via iStock.

Starting that conversation can save your life.

If you're depressed or having thoughts of suicide, today is the day to get help.

National Suicide Prevention Week is a campaign aimed at curbing the stigma surrounding mental health and encouraging folks to access care.

But there really isn't an ideal week to reach out for help. The sooner you speak up, the brighter your future looks.

Need help? You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, or learn more at the Movember Foundation's website.

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What's the difference between suicidal thoughts and actions? One mom explains.

"I am safe. I am not harming myself."

I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think.

I am safe. I am not harming myself. I do not have a plan, and I do not plan on doing anything. But I’m suicidal. And I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t.

People like to think of things like suicide in such black-and-white terms. But much like everything else we are so quick to place into categories, being suicidal falls into a gray area for me. Sometimes, I wonder if it does for anybody else.

See, I can be in a really great mood, right?

I could be having the best day of my life. Still, suicidal thoughts will linger.

I don’t have to be in a bad mood to be suicidal. I will still have those thoughts if I’m surrounded by the people I love or if I’m doing something I’m passionate about.


Photo via Unsplash/Pixabay.

I wake up most mornings thinking I’d be better off dead. But I’m quickly distracted by my husband and son, who are sound asleep next to me.

I still feel it, but I try not to give power to it. Throughout the day, I am faced with challenges that directly affect my subconscious. Either the suicidal thoughts get louder, or they remain just a feeling.

I should explain better: Sometimes being suicidal is different than suicidal thoughts. It’s more of a feeling — the feeling that I have an itch I can’t scratch, that a dark cloud is blooming over me. It’s not just anxiety or depression — it falls into a mixed state that's often called suicidal ideation.

I sometimes feel like I'm drowning, like there’s no air, and coming down from that feeling takes so long that it feels impossible.

Usually, I just have to push through life while this feeling is happening, though. I need to go through the day as normally as I can, without feeding it. Some days are harder than others, though, and today happens to be one of those days.

Some days can be more difficult than others. Photo via iStock.

I woke up today knowing I wasn't feeling good, and I’ve taken that into account.

But I woke up thinking my family was better off without me. Then I started thinking about finances and my heart sunk a little more. I started thinking about my parents, and my depression got worse.

I started thinking about everything my husband does so I can test a career in writing, and God, he can do better than me. It’s not fair to him. If I can’t impress the people surrounding me now, can I face how my son will inevitably feel about me?

Then I start crying because it’s all too much, and I’m just a joke. I feel like I’m drowning, over and over and over again. It would be so much easier to end things, and my family could finally get away from how terrible I am.

Photo via ryan melaugh/Flickr.

Even before them, even with exes, and before dating, when it was just my adoptive family and me, it was still the same feeling following me through life.

The way I feel isn’t a reflection of reality, though. I know I have things to live for, and I know things will get better.

I know my family loves me and the people who don’t like me don’t matter. In fact, they probably don’t give a shit. I know this feeling will pass. I just wish my mind and my body would work toward getting better.

I’m not bad yet. I haven’t made any attempts in almost two years, and I’m really proud of that. Every attempt I’ve made to take my own life ends the same way: I fade into a sleep, and I do regret my actions. I think I used to romanticize my own death back when I had nothing to lose. Now everything is on the line, and I’m terrified of the day my thoughts will become louder than my voice. But I know realistically it may not always be this way, and I may need to admit myself to the hospital again someday.

I have great plans for my future and for my family. So please don’t worry.

I don’t intend to end my life, and I’m not self-harming. And if I was, I’d go to the hospital.

But I wanted to write this so people could better understand what it’s like to feel suicidal. It’s so much more than what happens on the day someone decides to end their existence. Suicide goes deeper than that, and it amazes me when people think otherwise. Often, it feels like years of torment, even on good days. Suicide doesn’t usually happen randomly — it’s a buildup.

I don’t want to die; my subconscious and my illness may disagree, but today my voice is louder, and I will not succumb to the evils of my mind.

But please remember that those of us with mental illness live in dark places and gray areas.

There can be dark places for those struggling with mental illness. Photo from iStock.

It’s not something that shuts off and on — it comes in waves, and it peaks and it fades. But these feelings are never gone. I wish more than anything in this world they would disappear.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter, though. I can overcome this. I am a warrior of my own mind, and I will continue defending my inner peace. Every day may be hard; but I am stronger every day.

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