Upworthy’s book GOOD PEOPLE is coming this year — pre-order now!

Shop
 Explore 

self harm

Health

Simple things you can do to help someone who may be thinking about suicide

This problem is bigger than numbers. It's people. It's moms, dads, kids, siblings, grandparents, friends, and partners.

Canva

Sometimes it's hard to recognize if someone is depressed.

Suicide affects people across race, age, gender, and socioeconomic status. Quite frankly, suicide doesn't care.

More than 45,000 people died by suicide in 2020 alone, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. For people between ages 10 and 34, it's the second leading cause of death. While thousands complete suicide each year, an estimated 9.4 million adults in the U.S. had serious thoughts of committing suicide.

This problem is bigger than numbers. It's people. It's moms, dads, kids, siblings, grandparents, friends, and partners.

These are complex but treatable issues, and yet too often it's still considered taboo to discuss or speak frankly about suicide or mental health.

When a friend, loved one, or colleague appears to be suicidal, it can be hard to know what to do or say. But the numbers don't lie. Our silence won't slow this public health crisis; when it comes to helping someone in need, inaction is not an option.

Health professionals and people who specialize in suicide prevention say there are small actions you can take to help.

Here are some simple things you can do to help someone who may be thinking about taking their life:

1. Know what to look for.

Familiarize yourself with the warning signs. People thinking about suicide or self-harm may talk about feeling hopeless, trapped, or in incredible pain; withdraw from friends or family; experience drastic changes in mood; and/or increase their use of alcohol or drugs. Someone considering suicide may also talk or write about wanting to die. But the warning signs aren't always cut and dry.

"We tell people to look for changes," says Andy Cartmill, a trainer of suicide and intervention models and senior program educator with Addiction Services for Washington County, Oregon. "Trust your intuition. If you think something is up, there's no harm in being honest and saying, 'I just noticed a change. Are you doing OK?'"

2. Show support without judgment or anger.

Even if your friend hasn't reached out to you, check in. Let them know you care about them and you're concerned. This isn't the time to panic, argue with them, or even to try and talk them out of it.

"We tend to fix things and point out people's strengths and say, 'What about your wife?' 'What about your kids?'" Cartmill says. "It's possible they might not perceive those as strengths. So they very well might think, 'I'm doing my wife or kids a favor by relieving them of a burden.'"

Simply listen. And allow them to speak without judgment.

3. Ask specific questions.

If you're not sure if your friend is in immediate danger, the best thing to do is ask.

Individuals at the highest risk for suicide in the near future will often have a plan, the means to put the plan into action, a time frame, and intention. Asking questions will help you determine immediate risks, and the answers may inform what you do next:

"Do you have a plan to harm or kill yourself?"
"Do you have access to weapons or things you can use to harm yourself?"
"Have you thought about how or when you would do it?"
"Are you thinking about suicide?"

If you don't know what a statement or response means, ask for clarity. This may feel awkward or intimidating, but it's important to be direct and honest. And don't worry, talking about suicide won't plant the seed in someone's head.

"Research over and over again says that is not going to happen," Cartmill says. "That's one of the things people are afraid of ... 'If I ask that question, am I going to get them thinking about suicide?' and the answer is no."

4. It's OK to not know what to say.

If you're not a trained health professional or crisis counselor, this territory can be tough to navigate. It's OK to not have the perfect speech or talking points. It's first and foremost your job to listen and recognize they're hurting. That means not changing the subject or minimizing their pain.

"You don't have to be an expert; you really don't. Listening respectfully and being honest is OK," Cartmill says. "It's OK to tell people, 'What you're saying is scaring me. I want you to be OK,' and go from there."

5. Suggest professional help, or offer to help them find it.

This is not an effort to pass them off to someone else and instead aims to get them to a doctor or therapist better equipped to help with their pain. If they're seeing a professional, encourage them to get in touch with them immediately. You can even offer to accompany them to the appointment.

If they're not under a doctor or counselor's care, help them find a mental health professional or call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255). It's a free, 24/7 service that can provide people thinking about suicide and those who care about them with support and connections to local resources.

6. Remember, if it's an immediate or crisis situation, it is OK to use the emergency room.

If you wouldn't hesitate to call for a broken bone or allergic reaction, don't hesitate with suicide. In a true crisis, it can't wait.

Suicide doesn't care. But lots of people do.

Keep the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in your phone, 800-273-TALK (8255). In an emergency, having that number handy for yourself or someone you care about may make all the difference.

Even talking about suicide or suicidal ideation may seem overwhelming or scary, but experts agree: Hope and recovery are possible. There are many treatment options available, with several at low or no cost. It starts with paying attention to warning signs, reaching out, and getting help if you need it.

This article originally appeared on 04.12.17

From Your Site Articles

community

A mentor who dealt with drug abuse is using filmmaking to help teens on the same path.

True

Carl Lakari's teen years were consumed by drugs and alcohol.

Stuck in a rut and unable to engage with the world around him, Lakari had no creative outlets, no guidance, and no idea what to do. "What I didn’t get in high school was the support of caring adults and peers to help me find what my passion and gift is in the world," he remembers. He felt helpless and alone, so he turned to drugs and alcohol in search of solace.

Many young people all across the United States battle these same feelings and problems, so Lakari — now in long-term recovery — decided to help them.

He started Project Aware, a youth empowerment program that allows young people to express the tough issues they're dealing with through filmmaking.

Lakari (left) coordinates a production meeting with 2016 Summer Film Institute students. All images via Project Aware, used with permission.

The Maine-based program started in 2003 with cofounder Katey Branch. "We really wanted youth to have a choice or opportunity that I felt like I didn’t at that age," says Lakari.

The students cover a wide spectrum of themes in the films they work on — from bullying to self-harm to underage drinking to suicide. The projects are collaborative, and each student takes on the role they're drawn to the most. Some want to act, some want to direct, and some just want to be extras. But no matter what role they choose, they're all able to tackle important issues they care about in a creative and impactful way.

On set with the student crew and cast in Saco, Maine.

"Adolescents have an immense amount of energy and creativity they need to express," writes cofounder Branch. "It is a part of evolution for teenagers to push the edges. That is where innovation and new ideas emerge. When youth are given healthy channels and support, amazing things happen. When they are left out of healthy opportunities, that energy can get lost in sad, often tragic directions."

Cast members Tyler King and Emily Tierney in the film "April's Heart."

Project Aware is fostering a new generation of artists focused on telling powerful stories and creating meaningful change.

To date, the project has produced 12 short films and more than 20 public service announcements and has garnered hundreds of thousands of online views. By providing a healthy channel for creative expression, Project Aware is reimagining how young people can make their voices heard and inspire others to take action.

Students filming a documentary on racism at the University of New England over the summer.

"A lot of these young people don’t have a voice now," Lakari says. "Many of them may be struggling, labeled in some way. And this is sometimes their very first opportunity to get engaged and involved in leading and having a voice about a particular issue they’re concerned about. They get really excited about that."

The best part? They're sending an important message to other young people: You are not alone.

If all goes according to plan, Lakari hopes to see programs like his all across the country. "A program like Project Aware offers young people the opportunity to get connected with other young people that often share their story or part of their story," he says.

The cast and crew of "Reaching Out," a suicide prevention film to be released in 2017.

Faith-Ann Bishop, a 20-year-old film student in Los Angeles who wrote/cowrote four movies for Project Aware and was featured on the cover of Time magazine, sums it up beautifully in an email.

"It is our job to use our voices to help others find shelter in their thoughts," she writes. "Just one speech, one moment with someone can educate them, and reduce the stigma about mental disorders, suicide, drug use, or unhealthy relationships."

Hannah King in a scene from "A Better Place," which was written and directed by Faith-Ann Bishop.

"Trust yourself and your ability," she continues. "Never let others tell you your art or ideas are not worthy. Your voice is so beautifully unique and it will free you to use it."

“We were unusually busy last night," said Steve Mendelsohn, deputy executive director at the Trevor Project on Wednesday, Nov. 9.

As the 2016 election drew to a close in the late hours of Nov. 8, 2016, many young LBGTQ kids were left in despair. The Trevor Project is an LGBTQ youth crisis intervention organization, and they were just one of many groups our country desperately needed as the clock ticked toward the declaration of a president-elect Trump.

“People are very anxious about what happened," Mendelsohn says. "People are likely scared that their rights are going to be taken away.”

A woman sheds tears at Clinton's election night event in New York. Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images.

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender kids are particularly vulnerable right now and have been for the entire election cycle.

Kids were listening when Trump suggested nominating Supreme Court justices who would reverse the decision on marriage equality. They learned about his running mate, Mike Pence, who supports conversion therapy — which is a form of child abuse — and who approved a religious freedom bill that discriminated against people like them.

“LGBTQ youth felt vulnerable throughout the entire campaign when they listened to the rhetoric coming from many of the candidates," Mendelsohn said. "The outcome of the campaign did not make them feel comforted.”

Crisis Text Line, which allows anyone in despair to connect to a counselor through their phone, reported double the volume of texts in the 24 hours following the election. "Election" and "scared" were two words mentioned most by those who texted in. The most prevalent words associated with one another were "scared" and "LGBT."

The day after the election, several transgender kids reportedly committed suicide in the wake of Trump's win.

Image via iStock.

If you are a young LGBTQ person feeling hopeless right now, know that most Americans are standing with you.

This week, more of us voted for a candidate who fights for LGBTQ people and their protections than for the candidate who won (the president-elect won in the Electoral College votes, not the popular vote). Americans — particularly young people — believe in your equality.

— (@)

If our future president wants to take away your rights, he's going to have to go through the American people first.

If you know a young LGBTQ person, don't just assume they're OK.

They may need to hear your voice right now, even if they haven't shown it. “The most important thing [allies] can do is to let their loved ones know that they’re there for them," Mendelsohn said. "To actually reach out to them and say, ‘I care about you, I love you, and I’m here to help anytime you need me.’"

You can also learn more about the Trevor Project and support the work that they do.

**If you are anyone else who's feeling helpless and scared, know that you are not alone.**

We've watched an unprecedented campaign built on xenophobia, misogyny, and racism win the election this week. Many of us are feeling vulnerable, anxious, and scared — and rightfully so. Remember that the majority of Americans are in your corner, and we're going to fight like hell for you, your rights, and your future.

We can't think ourselves to a better place on our own, though, and that's OK. There are people who are here to help for exactly that reason.

If you are a young LGBTQ person in crisis, don't suffer in silence. Someone who loves you is waiting one phone call away, day or night, at The Trevor Project: 866-488-7386.

To contact Trans Lifeline, a hotline staffed by and aimed at helping transgender people, call 877-565-8860.

To anyone else in need, Crisis Text Line is there for you, 24/7: Text START to 741741. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is also available at 800-273-8255.

Family

A friend's cry for help is tough to see. Instagram's new feature is here to help.

It's a scary feeling to see a loved one's cry for help. Oftentimes, we're left feeling powerless and questioning if, or how, we should act.

Many of us, unfortunately, know what that gut-wrenching moment feels like. Especially in the age of social media. You're scrolling through your feed — past the baby pics and food photos — and you spot it: a post from a friend that doesn't feel ... right. Your stomach churns, your heart begins to beat faster, and you ask yourself: Is my friend about to hurt themselves?

Should I call him? No, I don't want to offend. Should I tell her mom about this? Probably not. It's none of my business anyway...

Photo via iStock.

We live in a world where posts from friends concerning self-harm, depression, and suicide aren't all that rare. The good news is that Instagram recognizes this, and it's doing something about it.

As part of its #PerfectlyMe initiative celebrating the strength of support networks, the photo-sharing app is rolling out new features to help users anonymously report a friend they're worried about if they see one of those scary posts or messages.

After the post is reported, that friend will get a message from Instagram that notes, "Someone saw one of your posts and thinks you might be going through a difficult time. If you need support, we'd like to help."

The feature will then offer your friend a few options, like the ability to contact a help line directly or read tips on getting support and accessing help.

Photos via Instagram.

Instagram is also aware that what a person seeks out through its hashtag search — such as #ImNotOK — can say a lot about what's on their mind. To address this, the app has a new feature that will send a message to a user if they search for a hashtag that's associated with self-harm.

Photo via Instagram.

Instagram worked with experts from groups like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the National Eating Disorders Association to make sure the language being used in the feature was appropriate and helpful.

"We listen to mental health experts when they tell us that outreach from a loved one can make a real difference for those who may be in distress," Marne Levine, Instagram's chief operating officer, told Seventeen magazine. "At the same time, we understand friends and family often want to offer support but don't know how best to reach out."

Photo by Ed Jones/AFP/Getty Images.

Instagram's new feature is social media at its finest: connecting people around the world and giving them tools to help one another.

Social apps like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram can get a bad rap. Sometimes, they provide a platform for bullies. Other times, they're used to spread hate and bigotry by those with the wrong ideas.

But these same platforms also connect long-lost friends, unite marginalized groups in solidarity, and, yes, allow us to make sure we're looking out for our friends and family.

"These tools," Levine explained, "are designed to let you know that you are surrounded by a community that cares about you at a moment when you might most need that reminder."

Family

Watch men read their old suicide notes in a gut-wrenching PSA about getting help.

Content warning: discussion of suicidal thoughts and actions.

Suicide is often a silent killer.

Not only has it quietly become one of the leading causes of death in the U.S., but it's often the hesitation and fear of speaking up and asking for help that makes suicide seem like the only option.

In a way, our silence is killing us. And this is especially true for men.

In a gut-wrenching new PSA from the Movember Foundation, a nonprofit focused on men's health, men read aloud old suicide notes they'd written to loved ones years ago, after they'd decided to kill themselves.

Thankfully, none of them followed through. They decided to speak up instead.

It's a gripping reminder that "suicide notes talk too late" when it comes to accessing care:

As the PSA hints, far more men die from suicide than women.

While suicide rates have surged to 30-year highs across many demographics in the U.S. — with alarming spikes among both middle-aged women and young girls — men are still much more likely to kill themselves overall, according to data from the CDC.

"Globally, the rate of suicide is alarmingly high, particularly in men," as Movember's website points out. "Too many men are 'toughing it out,' keeping their feelings to themselves and struggling in silence."

— (@)

One particular subgroup of men, however, has been especially affected.

As FiveThirtyEight reported, middle-age white men living in the American West are three times as likely to die from suicide than the national average. Locals in Wyoming — a state where roughly 8 in 10 suicides are men — blame it on the “cowboy-up” mentality: pull yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on.

Call it whatever you want, but the "tough it out" strategy and the "cowboy-up" mentality are exactly the wrong ways to take care of your mental health.

Gender norms hurt both women and men, and nothing exemplifies that better than the discrepancy in suicide rates.

As boys, we're taught not to cry. As teens, we're told to suck it up.

It's no wonder research suggests men are less likely to reach out for help when struggling with depression, substance abuse, or stressful life events.

Men are told time and time again that opening up and showing emotion is a form of weakness, even though it can be the bravest, strongest thing a person can do.

Photo via iStock.

Starting that conversation can save your life.

If you're depressed or having thoughts of suicide, today is the day to get help.

National Suicide Prevention Week is a campaign aimed at curbing the stigma surrounding mental health and encouraging folks to access care.

But there really isn't an ideal week to reach out for help. The sooner you speak up, the brighter your future looks.

Need help? You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, or learn more at the Movember Foundation's website.

From Your Site Articles

What it's like for a man to share his feelings - Upworthy ›

Family

What's the difference between suicidal thoughts and actions? One mom explains.

"I am safe. I am not harming myself."

I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think.

I am safe. I am not harming myself. I do not have a plan, and I do not plan on doing anything. But I’m suicidal. And I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t.

People like to think of things like suicide in such black-and-white terms. But much like everything else we are so quick to place into categories, being suicidal falls into a gray area for me. Sometimes, I wonder if it does for anybody else.

See, I can be in a really great mood, right?

I could be having the best day of my life. Still, suicidal thoughts will linger.

I don’t have to be in a bad mood to be suicidal. I will still have those thoughts if I’m surrounded by the people I love or if I’m doing something I’m passionate about.

Photo via Unsplash/Pixabay.

I wake up most mornings thinking I’d be better off dead. But I’m quickly distracted by my husband and son, who are sound asleep next to me.

I still feel it, but I try not to give power to it. Throughout the day, I am faced with challenges that directly affect my subconscious. Either the suicidal thoughts get louder, or they remain just a feeling.

I should explain better: Sometimes being suicidal is different than suicidal thoughts. It’s more of a feeling — the feeling that I have an itch I can’t scratch, that a dark cloud is blooming over me. It’s not just anxiety or depression — it falls into a mixed state that's often called suicidal ideation.

I sometimes feel like I'm drowning, like there’s no air, and coming down from that feeling takes so long that it feels impossible.

Usually, I just have to push through life while this feeling is happening, though. I need to go through the day as normally as I can, without feeding it. Some days are harder than others, though, and today happens to be one of those days.

Some days can be more difficult than others. Photo via iStock.

I woke up today knowing I wasn't feeling good, and I’ve taken that into account.

But I woke up thinking my family was better off without me. Then I started thinking about finances and my heart sunk a little more. I started thinking about my parents, and my depression got worse.

I started thinking about everything my husband does so I can test a career in writing, and God, he can do better than me. It’s not fair to him. If I can’t impress the people surrounding me now, can I face how my son will inevitably feel about me?

Then I start crying because it’s all too much, and I’m just a joke. I feel like I’m drowning, over and over and over again. It would be so much easier to end things, and my family could finally get away from how terrible I am.

Photo via ryan melaugh/Flickr.

Even before them, even with exes, and before dating, when it was just my adoptive family and me, it was still the same feeling following me through life.

The way I feel isn’t a reflection of reality, though. I know I have things to live for, and I know things will get better.

I know my family loves me and the people who don’t like me don’t matter. In fact, they probably don’t give a shit. I know this feeling will pass. I just wish my mind and my body would work toward getting better.

I’m not bad yet. I haven’t made any attempts in almost two years, and I’m really proud of that. Every attempt I’ve made to take my own life ends the same way: I fade into a sleep, and I do regret my actions. I think I used to romanticize my own death back when I had nothing to lose. Now everything is on the line, and I’m terrified of the day my thoughts will become louder than my voice. But I know realistically it may not always be this way, and I may need to admit myself to the hospital again someday.

I have great plans for my future and for my family. So please don’t worry.

I don’t intend to end my life, and I’m not self-harming. And if I was, I’d go to the hospital.

But I wanted to write this so people could better understand what it’s like to feel suicidal. It’s so much more than what happens on the day someone decides to end their existence. Suicide goes deeper than that, and it amazes me when people think otherwise. Often, it feels like years of torment, even on good days. Suicide doesn’t usually happen randomly — it’s a buildup.

I don’t want to die; my subconscious and my illness may disagree, but today my voice is louder, and I will not succumb to the evils of my mind.

But please remember that those of us with mental illness live in dark places and gray areas.

There can be dark places for those struggling with mental illness. Photo from iStock.

It’s not something that shuts off and on — it comes in waves, and it peaks and it fades. But these feelings are never gone. I wish more than anything in this world they would disappear.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter, though. I can overcome this. I am a warrior of my own mind, and I will continue defending my inner peace. Every day may be hard; but I am stronger every day.