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Neuroscientist breaks down why 'normal tween girl drama' deserves a lot more compassion

“Most parents do not realize that between the ages of 8 and 12, your daughter's brain is rewiring itself while her confidence forms."

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology
Photo credit: Canva

The science behind why they need more empathy.

If you’ve ever raised tween girls, been a tween girl yourself, or watched any shows with tweens in them, you’ll be all too familiar with tween girl drama. The eye rolling, the aloofness, the cattiness, the meltdowns…you get the idea.

But what if this newfound attitude isn’t just preteen girls being difficult, but a symptom of chronic dysregulation?

That was the insight recently given by Dr. Chelsey Hauge Zavaleta, who argued that most parents don’t understand that between the ages of 8 and 12, their daughter's brain is “rewiring itself while her confidence forms.”

And because of that, Zavaleta explained, her “nervous system is stuck in a constant state of overwhelm.”

“She will be unable to cooperate, not that she won't, not that she's being bratty, refusing, defiant, rude, she cannot cooperate. Her nervous system is too overwhelmed, and your task is to help her bring it down.”

Zavaleta then listed the five typical “tween drama” behaviors that, when constant and persistent, could be signs of an overworked nervous system.

1. She can't do basic routines that she has always done before.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just laziness. Photo credit: Canva

While it might be irksome for parents to now give reminder after reminder for something they know their daughter knows about, Dr. Zavaleta kindly offered the reminder that, “This isn't defiance. She's too dysregulated to access her thinking brain.”

2. She makes nasty comments during family time.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just sibling rivalry. Photo credit: Canva

This doesn’t come from meanness so much as deep insecurity.

“She's sitting there in your family, feeling judged and alone. The attention feels overwhelming when her nervous system is already maxed out,” said Zavaleta.

3. She doesn't care about stuff she used to care about.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just depression.Photo credit: Canva

Contrary to what it looks like, she actually cares so much that it is unbearable. To cope, she willfully disconnects.

“She cares so much, it hurts, but caring feels dangerous right now. Disconnection is protection when everything feels too intense.”

4. She is constantly picking fights with her siblings.

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just an attitude. Photo credit: Canva

“She's looking for connection, but she only knows how to get attention through conflict. Her nervous system is seeking regulation through the friction created by drama,” Zavaleta explained.

5. She cries over “nothing.”

preteen girls, tween girls, preteens, parenting, parenthood, motherhood, kids, neuroscience, psychology It's not just a meltdown. Photo credit: Canva

“Spilled milk becomes a huge meltdown,” said Zavaleta, painting a picture.

Thing is, “when your system is already flooded, the smallest thing is gonna tip you right over,” she added.

“Those tears aren't about the milk, they're about everything else.”

When put through this lens, it’s easy to see how “these are not behavior problems to be fixed with consequences,” as Zavaleta put it. Rather, they're “regulation problems” that need co-regulation support from the parents. After all, at this age kids are still hardwired to their parents' nervous systems, making it all the more imperative for parents to model healthy regulation practices.

“When you stay calm and grounded, she can access that state as well. When you are also dysregulated because parenting a dysregulated tween is hard, you're both stuck in survival mode.”

@drchelsey_parenting Join me for my LIVE webinar DECODING TWEEN GIRLS Comment TWEENGIRL for the registration link- and clear your calendars- being there live is the best thing!
♬ original sound - Dr. Chelsey HaugeZavaleta, PhD

Bottom line: when you think about all the inner “construction” going on, in addition to external factors—more and more school responsibilities, increasingly complicated friendships, a transforming body, etc.—there’s no doubt that young girls didn’t suddenly become ornery for no reason.

When parents feel that a boundary needs to be made, child counselor Katie Lear suggests offering a chance for “do-overs” when they catch an attitude. This helps preteens become more aware and gives them another opportunity to communicate calmly. Alternatively, parents can offer “natural consequences” that help preteens better understand cause and effect. She uses the example of not being available to drive her to a friend if you’re spending time doing the chores she fails to do.

None of this makes parenting during the tween phase any easier, per se. However, it does hopefully provide insight and tools that can elicit compassion, strengthen relationships, and offer an opportunity for both parents and children to emerge from a notoriously tumultuous chapter a little more grounded.

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Pets

Dogs really do have favorite people, and here's how they decide who it will be

Sometimes their favorite people don't live in their house.

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Dogs really do have favorite people. Here's how they decide

When my sister's dog, Junior, was on this side of the Rainbow Bridge, I was one of his favorite people. This dog would get full body wags every time I came around, and we'd spend most of the day cuddled up with each other. Now my dog, Cocolina, behaves in the same way whenever my sister comes to visit. But what goes into a dog deciding who their favorite person is? Spoiler, it's not always the person they live with.

Like humans, animals have their own personalities. You might rescue a dog thinking it will be the perfect companion, only to have the furry adoptee spend every waking moment following your partner around. You could spend hundreds of dollars on vet checkups, new harnesses, treats, and all the squeaky dog toys you can find, but that still won't be enough to convince a dog to love you. Instead of showering the giver of treats with kisses, they make goo-goo eyes at the pet sitter. It turns out they have their reasons.

dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Corgi cuddles spreading joy and smiles!Photo credit: Canva

Since our canine friends can't talk, we have to rely on the experts to explain what the deal is with how dogs pick their favorite human. Carol Erickson, a Pennsylvania SPCA animal advocate, gave a brief interview with CBS News Philadelphia to explain her take on how dogs determine their bestest, most favorite person.

"What it comes down to for all dogs is they decide their very favorite family member by who gives the most consistent, high-quality attention, play, and physical affection: ear rubs, scratches, that sort of thing. Dogs get positive associations from being around people who consistently provide positive experiences, including treats, meals, play that they enjoy, and remember also that early association in those first six months can influence who a dog may like better later on," she tells the outlet.

Rover backs up Erickson's claim that the first six months are crucial in determining who will become the dog's favorite person later in life. The website says, "Many dogs bond hardest to whoever cares for them during their key socialization period, which occurs between birth and six months." However, they later note that dogs can still be socialized appropriately even as adults.

The dog-sitting website also explains that it's not uncommon for people who are not the dog's primary caregiver to be their favorite person. Pointing out that physical affection is vital to dogs, if the mailman gives out head scratches daily but the owner doesn't, the mailman may become the dog's favorite person. While physical affection and treats go a long way for some pooches, those aren't the only things that get puppy eyes melting with love.

dogs; dogs favorite; dog's best friend; pets; people and pets; rescue animals Joyful moments with furry friends! 🐶❤️Photo credit: Canva

"While positive experiences play a big role, a dog’s favorite person isn’t always just the one holding the treat bag. Dogs also respond to emotional connection, tone of voice, and even body language. Their preferences are shaped by a mix of familiarity, trust, and how well a person understands their needs," explains Elle Vet Sciences. They later add, "Dogs also take emotional cues from us. If a person is stressed, loud, or inconsistent, a dog may be less likely to form a deep bond with them. On the other hand, someone who offers reassurance and stability often earns the title of 'favorite' without even realizing it."

In short, if you want to be your dog's bestie, being consistent with affection, actions, and even training and grooming will get you there a lot faster than treats alone. Dogs aren't trying to be persnickety; just like humans, they enjoy being around people who show them that they enjoy their company—and maybe some treats.

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Family flags down exhausted UPS driver and invites him to 'make a plate' at family cookout

They told the driver to spread the word to his colleagues: Everybody's invited.

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UPS driver invited to family's cookout.

Food really is what brings us together, and that's why family cookouts are the ultimate get-together. Good food, good people, and good quality time together. Invites are usually extended to close friends and kin—but one family extended the invite to a UPS driver (and total stranger) working a shift on a holiday weekend, proving community and hospitality are still alive and well.

TikToker @1fanto shared a touching video with his followers from Easter weekend where his family invited a UPS driver making rounds in their neighborhood to come to their cookout and 'make a plate.'

"Everybody family around here 😭," he captioned the video. "Everybody invited to the cookout.😂"

@1fanto

Everybody family around here 😭 #easter #cookout #wherethefunction

In the video, the UPS driver is seen standing in the family's driveway, and a group of cookout attendees warmly welcome him to join them. The uncle of @1fanto says to the driver, "You've been working hard all day man, you can go on in there!" He calls out for a woman named Stephanie to "take care of him!"

The UPS driver walks up the driveway, and they encourage him to go inside and get his fill as he enters the garage. After securing a plate of food and a drink, the driver walks back outside to mingle with guests, shaking hands with the uncle who invited him.

"You good?" the uncle asks, and the driver responds, "Yeah I'm good. They hooked me up. Thank you so much. Appreciate y'all for inviting me out." On his way back to his truck, the uncle encourages the driver to invite other workers to stop by as well.

@1fanto

Explaination to last video! Thank yall for the support really appreciate it. Yall are invited to the next cookout 🤝. #easter #cookout #fyp #upsdriver #invitedtothecookout

In a follow up video, @1fanto explained more about how the invite went down. He shares that the UPS driver was driving by the family's house on the Saturday before Easter, and at the time the family was enjoying a big fish fry cookout together. His uncle flagged the driver down, and he pulled over.

He shares that his uncle told the driver, "Go inside and get you a plate!" The driver asked him, "Are you sure?" But he reassured him, adding that the family made sure to ask the driver what he wanted and didn't want on his plate to "make sure he was good and got everything he needed".

ups, delivery driver, delivery man, mailman, family cookout UPS delivery is extremely hard work. Photo by Gavin on Unsplash

"I saw it had a positive impact. That's what my family do. That's not something that we just do for social media," @1fanto shared. "That's something that we do on a regular basis that doesn't just happen when the camera's on. It happens when the camera's off, too. We're all equal. We all bleed the same."

Viewers had lots of positive things to say in the comment section.

"I am a UPS driver and that makes our day. People showing love to us"

"Your family represents the best of America🫶🏼 Your uncle is now all of our uncle."

"Working the holidays suck. But they made that man’s entire day. Love it."

"I love when people are nice for no reason. You’re so real ♥️thank you for being so kind."

Being a delivery driver is grueling, often thankless work. It's awesome to see a family that remembers those hardworking folks are essential parts of our communities.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.

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These 4 words can keep a conversation flowing forever no matter how bad you are at small talk

There's literally no way to screw this up.

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A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, friends, small talk, chatting Two women chatting in front of a fire. Credit: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement:

"It reminds me of…”

A Redditor recently shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun:

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


- YouTube www.youtube.com

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologuing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

conversation, small talk, chatting, cafe Two guys chat at a cafe. Credit: Helena Lopes/Pexels

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.


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Wellness

Philosopher shares the three 'healthiest habits' people can embrace to improve their lives

Sometimes it's simpler than we think.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

A woman standing in a field of sunflowers.

In a world where we're often on the hunt for wisdom to make our lives better, one solid place to turn is to the teachings of Diego Perez. Often known by his pen name Yung Pueblo, he has been writing books, poems, and essays for years, accruing 4.5 million online followers.

He often discusses meditation, having famously meditated for 13,000 hours (and counting), and credits this to easing his anxiety. Much of what he meditates on is love and our relationship to it.

In a clip posted on Oprah Daily, he shares, "What I've learned from that is that the highest level of love is unconditioned. Unconditional love, where you can look upon the world and see that no one is your enemy. That is the height of freedom. You are no longer coming from a place of ego, but you are living in a space of compassion for yourself and for others."

Yung Pueblo shares thoughts on meditation. www.youtube.com, Oprah Daily

According to his website, his most recently published book, How to Love Better, "offers a blueprint for deepening your compassion, kindness, and gratitude so you can truly grow in harmony with another person and build stronger connections in all your relationships."

While a guest on the Mel Robbins Podcast, she asks him, "What are the three healthiest habits that everyone listening or watching should learn in order to improve their lives?"

Reading from his work, he answers:

"1) Being grateful for the little things.
2) Noticing when your nervous system is overwhelmed and responding by saying 'no' to anything new that will consume your energy.
3) Don't hide your love. Let your friends and family know how much you care about them."

Of these ideas, Robbins says she loves that they're "subtle, but the impact they have is profound."

The clip comes from a larger podcast interview entitled "Reset your mind: How to Find Peace When Life Feels Overwhelming." Robbins notes how simple these habits would be if one were to really take them in. "Number one: being grateful for the little things. And let's do this right now. This is how simple this is. What is something little that you're grateful for?"

Pueblo answers, "I think I'm always grateful for natural spring water. It tastes so good and is so nourishing. And honestly, the first thing that came to mind is I'm so grateful for my Toyota RAV4."

Robbins digs into the second habit, re-reading it out loud. "This is also one of those subtle things. Whether it's being overwhelmed at work and somebody asking you if you can cover their shift. And as a people pleaser, you'd normally be like 'yeah, yeah, okay' even though you don't want to. Learning to take a beat and notice you're overwhelmed and saying 'no.' That is a subtle but powerful moment where you create peace for yourself instead of creating chaos in order to please somebody else."

He responds, "Part of reclaiming your power so that you can have real inner peace is understanding what your capacity is."

Robbins gives the example of feeling obligated to say yes to invitations. "Learning how to say no is a habit that creates peace for you, just in the saying no."

He adds, "And sometimes the invitations aren't physical. Sometimes they're emotional. When someone is trying to invite you into their anger. They just got home from work, they're super irritated by what happened. And you can feel that in their irritation, they want you to join them. But for the sake of your own peace, you can find that subtle place where you can, sure, listen to whatever their gripe is, but choose to live in your peace as opposed to joining them in their tension."

- Yung Pueblo shares thoughts on the Mel Robbins podcast.www.youtube.com, Mel Robbins

Robbins brings up the final habit: "Don't hide your love." He shares, "This is one of my favorite lessons I've learned from studying change through meditation. Literally studying change within the framework of the body. We have this really combative relationship with change. We fight change. We hate change sometimes because we deeply crave for all the things that we like to always stay the same. But then we forget that change is what's allowing for everything to exist. Like if the universe were static, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation."

Pueblo goes on to say that change is what gives us our lives. "So change is allowing all these beautiful opportunities to appear in front of us. So to me, when I think about change, and I'm spending time with my parents or my partner, these are beautiful moments that are right in front of me, that I should spend time in these moments, not just thinking about something else."

Robbins adds, "I think we have a combative relationship with love. Because we spend most of our time with the people we care about most, either taking our emotions out on them or wishing they would be different…One thing that has changed my life for the better, obviously, is to let people be who they are and who they're not. But in that space of acceptance, really being proactive about expressing love."

The comment section adds beautiful thoughts. Under the Instagram clip, someone writes, "Gratitude really is the foundation. It quiets the noise, anchors the spirit, and reminds me I’m already in the blessing." One adds, "I have a gratitude jar when I'm feeling disconnected from love. I read through the gratitude notes and it immediately brings me back to the present."

Another adds this lovely sentiment: "Nailed it — because they all require consistency, not flash. Fireworks fade over time, but a small fire tended and fed over time can provide light and warmth forever."

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Culture

Why you might try peeling your bananas the way monkeys do

Our primate friends are onto something here.

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Monkeys and humans peel their bananas very differently.

Modern humans really like to argue about how to do simple things around the house. Families have fractured over how to load the dishwasher, or whether to hang the toilet paper roll over or under. We have strong opinions, get set in our ways, and refuse to change even in the face of compelling evidence.

There's a new debate raging and, believe it or not, it's all over the humble banana. For example, a recent Reddit thread with over 10,000 comments featured a wife and husband fiercely arguing over how, specifically, a banana should be peeled.

If you're like me, you didn't even know there were multiple ways to peel a banana. I've always grabbed the stem, angled it downward until the peel cracked open, and then peeled. Admittedly, it's not a perfect method. Sometimes the banana, if not perfectly ripe, with get smushed in the process. Or the stem may bend without splitting the peel open, leaving you wiggling back and forth until you give up and go get a knife.

Apparently, there is a better way. And all we have to do is watch how the monkeys do it.

YouTuber Anthony Crain of Cooking For One explains: "They ought to know. They know bananas." Instead of cracking the peel at the stem, primates squeeze the bottom end together (sometimes playfully referred to as the butthole of the banana) and the peel pops open, as if by magic.

"If you go from [the bottom end], it always works, no matter how ripe or unripe the banana is."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Though the bottom-first method of banana peeling works great—and some even swear you get less stringy things (called "phloem bundles") this way—not everyone is convinced.

Though no official statistics exist as to what percentage of people peel their bananas from the stem, almost everyone I've ever met does it. And many of them are not looking to change their minds or methods any time soon.

"Monkeys also fling [poop]. Just cause monkeys do it doesn't automatically make it correct," one Redditor wrote.

"I am not a monkey; I will open it how I like," said another.

Others swore that once they tried the monkey technique, they never went back:

"When I heard you could do it by using the B side I tried it and it's super easy. Works every time and doesn't damage the inside. I've been using B ever since."

"This post ... is going to start a civil war," one user joked.

"Honestly this is one of the most interesting comment sections I’ve seen. I would never guess it was this divided," another added.

Top or bottom aren't the only banana-opening options available. Some people break bananas in half in the middle and peel from there. Others snap it open like a matador cracking a whip.


@yunggecko_

Magic banana? 🪄🍌 #fyp #foryoupage #magic

For as many different varieties of edible fruit that exist in the world, there seem to be just as many fascinating ways to access them.

Have you ever seen the pomegranate whacking method of removing those pesky seeds?

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Or how about the no-knife method of popping out avocado pits with just one hand?


@bearenger

#stitch with @_mynameischo OMG WHAT 🥑 #healthyrecipes #plantbased IB @tracesoats

As an apple connoisseur, I'm always interested in cool ways of slicing or coring an apple. I recently learned you can scoop the core out with a tablespoon or melon baller in about five seconds!


@jessicaygavin

2 Easy Ways to Core an Apple! #core #applestothecore #fruit #apples #easytips #cheflife

Truthfully, there's no wrong way to enjoy your fruit. You can peel your bananas like a monkey, or buy that little pointless doohickey from Amazon that slices it for you like knives don't exist.

Fruits of all kinds are delicious and contain tons of amazing nutrients for your body. What keeps it fun is always exploring new fruits, and yes, even new ways of peeling, coring, and eating them.

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