setting boundaries

Have you ever just had "that friend" who will argue with everyone about everything? Not necessarily with regard to political views or big life philosophies—but rather, they act as contrarians to the smallest, most inconsequential stuff. By the end of most conversations, you're feeling exhausted and perhaps a little gaslit?

Here are a few examples. "Bob's birthday is in October." "No, it's not, it's August." "It's definitely in October." Texts Bob, Bob confirms it's October. "Oh, okay, well he CELEBRATES in August." That might seem extreme, but it really happened. One time, I merely expressed my opinion to a friend after a long drive down the freeway. "Los Angeles drivers seem entitled." He replied, oddly smugly, "No, they don't."

Luckily, there are ways of gently dealing with these situations that don't feel confrontational or, worse, relationship-ending. Clinical psychologist Christie Ferrari gives very specific tools on how to process and address these types of people, no matter how frustrating they might seem.

First, she explains the importance of discussing the matter "without sounding accusatory." She notes that instead of saying "'You always argue with me,' which will almost always trigger defensiveness, focus on your feelings and the impact of their behavior." Instead, try, "When we talk, sometimes I feel like I’m being corrected, and that makes it harder for me to want to share things. Have you ever felt that between us?'"

For those who always seem to retort with a "but" or a "well" (and I'll even throw in an "actually"), Ferrari suggests "flipping with curiosity," asking, "Why do you see it that way?" Perhaps this response will trigger their curiosity about your opinion—or at least remind them that you have one.

She also makes the point that not all contrarians are meaning to attack you personally. "Sometimes they’re unaware they’re doing it. Sometimes they’re socially awkward or wired to process out loud. Sometimes they’re neurodivergent, and this is their conversation style." Regardless, she says, "The key is noticing patterns. Occasional disagreement is healthy. Constant one-upmanship or dismissiveness is not."

When it's just not changeable, she offers this excellent solution: "You don’t have to 'win' a conversation with a contrarian. You just have to keep yourself from being drained by it. With these back-pocket phrases, you can protect your point, stay in control of your response, and decide whether this is a friendship you want to keep investing in. 'Not a debate, just a thought.' 'We’re not in court, I’m just telling you what happened.'"

This seems to be a common issue with many. There are quite a few Reddit threads dedicated to the topic, one simply titled, "How do you deal with a contrarian?" The OP exemplifies: "Him: The sky is blue today. Me: Oh yeah, that really is blue. Him: Actually, it's pretty green."

A cat lets you know you're wrong in a conversation. Giphy Cat Nerd

Some Redditors give the harsh advice of cutting off the friendship or starting huge arguments. But this person has a real solution for at least trying to make a conversation with this type of person tolerable: "I’d say get him onto a subject where there can be a genuine, interesting discussion." The idea, perhaps, is that it's the small-talk that's met with unnecessary pushback that's frustrating. If you guide this person to "bigger picture" topics, it might feel more fulfilling.

Another notes that it's a good idea to distinguish the level of substance in a conversation. "It really depends on the stakes: Work-related and important? Drive home the correct points. Unrelated? Literally just ignore his dumbass responses and eventually he'll realize that no one cares."

This commenter, perhaps, had the best response: "You're wrong, there's no such thing as a contrarian."