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setting boundaries

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Grandpa says grandparents who make unannounced visits are 'crossing the line'

He makes quite the compelling case.

@legacyofagrandpa/Instagram

Why that surprise visit might not be the gift you're hoping to bestow.

It’s a bittersweet situation for many adults—you live close enough to your own parents that grandma and grandpa can help out with the kids from time to time. On the one hand, you’ve got the luxury of a village at your disposal. Holidays are a cinch. Yay. But with that close proximity also comes blurry boundaries, which can take on the form of “surprise” grandparent visits during the most inopportune times.

Which brings us to the question: should grandparents be able to drop by unannounced in the first place? If you ask grandfather of two Rick Cognata, who regularly posts grandparent related content on his "Legacy Of A Grandpa" Instagram account, you’ll get a pretty definitive answer.

In a video from early 2025, Cognata shared why making a call first might be a better move, explaining how well it works for his own kids.

“I am on my way to my daughter’s house and guess what? I called first,” Cognata began. “I said, ‘Hey, do you mind if I come over? I’m missing them. I just want to pop over. I’ll bring some food, whatever.’”

While this time Cognata's daughter gave the okay, in the past she’s also told him “No Dad, today is not a good day.” And offering up this bit of autonomy can make all the difference in a grandparent-parent dynamic. Though Cognata shared that it’s not quite the norm.

“I see a lot with my friends that this presents a problem with ... us grandparents ... that just pop over. Like, ‘This is my kid, they live around the corner from me, I will pop over when I want. My parents did it to me and I do it to them.’”

 setting boundaries, grandparents, grandparent visits, family, parenting, time with family, family dynamics A phone call is all it takes to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Photo credit: Canva

Cognata concluded by saying that of course, the drop in policy will differ from family to family, but in his own observation, “I hear a lot of my friends’ children saying, ‘I wish they would call.’”

“So that’s all I’m saying ... some of us might be crossing that line a little bit.”

By and large, folks generally seemed to agree with Cognata’s stance.

“Totally agree it’s called respect as our children are now adults themselves. ❤️

“🙌 I ALWAYS make contact first. They are a separate family unit to us and have their own life and routines. This has to be respected 🙌❤️🙌❤️🙌”

“Agreed! Your kids are now your friends and they deserve your respect. Not everyone is up for company ( family) at any given time. They need to have their own space and decide when the timing is right. I expect the same from them. It works beautifully that way! ❤️”

Still, others felt the rule to be unnecessary.

“It’s sad that family can’t pop over like it was when I grew up. But once an adult child gets married we have to respect how they want to live.”

“When I was younger and into my early married life, we would pop over to people's houses all the time. I think it's a southern thing.”

 setting boundaries, grandparents, grandparent visits, family, parenting, time with family, family dynamics Southerners- do people stop by your house all the time? Photo credit: Canva

Whether or not you totally agree with Cognata’s opinion on this particular topic, it’s easy to see how it brings up a broader shift in how we approach family dynamics. Terms like “boundaries” certainly weren’t as mainstream when we (or our parents) were growing up, and it’s still relatively new territory for everyone. That’s why having open conversations, even online ones, can be pivotal for gaining perspective and possibly finding an approach that’s a win win for everyone.

By the way, Cognata has all kinds of grandparent-related discussions on his Instagram, which you can find here.

This article originally appeared in March

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Aunt is shocked to learn that some people charge their family members to babysit

How much work should someone do for a family member for free?

via Gustavo Fring/Pexels

A babysitter plays with a young girl.

One of the great things about most healthy families is that people can give to one another without expecting much in return. But, of course, everyone has their limits. How much is asking for too much? Regarding loans, money is different in all families, but what about time? Is spending hours babysitting for a family member without receiving anything in return okay?

Kaitlyn Wilson, 27, recently answered this question on TikTok, and the video went viral, earning over 335,000 views.

“I was telling somebody the other day that I watch my nephew for my sister, once a week roughly or just whenever she needs, and they were so shocked that I did it for free,” she said in the viral video. “Like, are other people’s families out here charging them to watch their kids for a few hours? That’s absolutely absurd if they are.”

She then described why she babysits her nephew for free. “I get the opportunity to create a relationship with my nephew by babysitting him and being around him,” Wilson said. “The fact that other people feel like they would need to be paid to hang out with their nieces, nephews, grandkids is so messed up.”

Warning: Strong language.

I was not even aware that someone would think of charging their family member for babysitting their kid(s) occasionally.

@kaitlynnnwils

I was not even aware that someone would think of charging their family member for babysitting their kid(s) occasionally #fyp #family #ittakesavillage #nephew #auntlife

Wilson speculates that people who don’t want to babysit their younger family members are missing out on building a relationship with them.

“And I swear, it will be those same adults at family parties being like, 'Oh my god, why doesn't so-and-so want to hug me or talk to me?' They don't f***ing know you, dude,” she continued. “I feel like it's not that hard to show up for and support people in your family, especially if you live near them."

The vast majority of people who commented on the post supported Wilson. However, some thought that realistic boundaries for how often one is expected to watch a family member’s kids should exist.

“Is it really babysitting? Or is it just spending time with family? It’s just spending time for me," Joey wrote. "I feel if you're an adult, do it for free, but if it's a teen relative, give them some money my uncle used to pay me. Now I do it for free cuz I have a job now," Ashleyemmell added.

Some believed that having to do it every day meant that it went from being a favor to becoming a job. "Yep. If it’s consistent, I’m not doing a full-time job without pay. If it’s a date night, it's free. But Monday through Friday? That’s a job," J wrote.

For Wilson, watching her nephew is all about building a relationship that lasts a lifetime.

"It's the responsibility of adults to foster relationships with children — I'm a firm believer of that," she told Today.com. "When kids grow up and they are not close to older relatives, it's not the fault of the adult child."

"You can foster [relationships] by just showing up for them," she added. "Going to [sporting] events ... [going] to the park, reading books, baking ... and always be the one reaching out."

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