quality time

It can be really disheartening when our partner seems to not feel the same way about something we find sacred, especially when it comes to shared holiday traditions. After all, these moments only come around once a year, and do sort of lose their magic once broken.

This was the dilemma a woman recently found herself in when her husband asked to reschedule a cherished holiday tradition in order to go on a trip with a new friend. For the past six years, always the weekend before Thanksgiving, the couple would drive an hour away to a lakeside town to spend the day together, which would always end with picking out a new ornament for their Christmas tree.

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As she explained in a Reddit post, this “very small but meaningful tradition” had become an incredibly special way to usher in the season. So when her husband nonchalantly brought up rescheduling it in favor of his friend trip, she was “caught off guard.”

At the same time, the situation wasn’t so black-and-white. The wife also shared that her husband “doesn’t make new friends easily,” and this was the first time in a long while that someone reached out to him like that. So, understandably, “he didn't want to let that slip away.” Genuine adult friendships are, after all, not the easiest to come by. And like all relationships, they need consistent effort.

But still, this didn’t exactly negate the hurt feelings the wife had. So when they sat down to talk about it, things got…messy. When her husband told her "it’s not a big deal for us to just go another weekend,” she felt like he was "minimizing something that's special to us.” Meanwhile, the husband was "frustrated” and thought his wife was “overreacting."

That conversation ended with the couple agreeing that the husband would indeed reschedule the trip with his friend. But since it seemed he was “disappointed” by that decision, the wife still wondered if she was simply “being stubborn about a little ritual that maybe only I care about as much as I do.” Hence why she sought advice on Reddit.

After a few questioned why the trip between the two of them had to be on that specific weekend, the woman explained that "the timing feels like an integral part of the tradition itself,” which several folks could relate to.

“As someone who isn’t tied to a certain day to celebrate holidays (I’ve even had Christmas after New Years once) I can attest that moving around days sort of loses that sparkle of intentionality. It sort of feels like the magic spell that ties the tradition has been broken just a little bit, and then it becomes something that you have to schedule - and scheduling around calendars is always going to be a bit of a bitch. When you have a firm day it just sort of feels more secure and sacred.”

“My spouse and I aren’t big on holidays, so we often do this too. But I also find that the rescheduled Thanksgiving/Christmas/birthday/anniversary/whatever doesn’t have that same spark, and if we do all the trappings it basically just becomes extra work for no real reason. But without the trappings, it’s just another day.I do wonder if the fact that we move the holidays around, is what makes us feel ‘not really into them’ in the first place.”

“I personally feel very put out when something is planned and established and it gets moved, especially if the proposal is ‘non-disclosed different date’ because unless a new plan is made, I know it isn’t happening. Especially for traditions, it might seem small to miss it or move it for one year but to me that feels like a snowball for ‘well if we cancel this year then it won’t be seen as important next year because the streak was broken and the momentum lost and now I’ll have to fight for it to happen because people think the rules can be bent to their convenience.’ It’s happened to many, many events in my life.”

Others could definitely see why the wife might be hurt that her husband didn’t view the trip the same was as she did.

“"It's not just a random trip; it’s a tradition that’s been part of your marriage for six years. Asking him to prioritize something that’s meaningful to you isn’t being unreasonable — it’s about honoring the connection you share.”

Still, plenty more folks could see the husband’s side as well.

“It can be tough to make friends when we're adults, and this could be a missed opportunity to strengthen a new bond.”

“Making friends as an adult is hard and sometimes takes a tiny sacrifice in your personal life to build that foundation. I think if you can see it from that perspective, you can enjoy your tradition on a different day and he can build a new friendship that could potentially last a lifetime. I understand initially being upset as it's sentimental but I do think it's not as big of a deal as you viscerally felt.”

In the end, the couple had another talk to communicate a little deeper. “We both agreed we could have handled the conversation better and that neither of us wanted the other to feel like their feelings didn’t matter,” she wrote. Ultimately, having an open conversation about expectations, desires and compromise mended things quite well. They’d still keep the tradition as planned, and the friend trip would be moved to a few weeks later, but now with each partner feeling seen and heard.

We have a few semi-contradictory almost paradoxical truths here. One, traditions only remain traditions through repetition and commitment. However, with too much rigidity, those traditions turn into obligations, thus losing the spark they once had anyway. Two, making plans with adult friends does need to be a priority, but probably not at the expense of set in stone plans with your partner.

But, as with most things in relationships, these complex issues can be tackled with productive conversations. And luckily, these two seem to be mature adults willing to have those conversations.