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Socially anxious man details his 2-year process for finally overcoming his shyness

"Two years ago, I couldn't order pizza over the phone without rehearsing it five times first."

Image via Canva/pixelfit

Man shares how he overcame his social anxiety and shyness.

Social anxiety and shyness can be crippling. However, one man who battled social anxiety and being shy opened up about how he overcame his shyness and social anxiety over two years.

The man, who goes by the username Educationalcurve6 on Reddit, explained in a post, "Two years ago, I couldn't order pizza over the phone without rehearsing it five times first. Going to parties gave me panic attacks. Making small talk felt like trying to speak a foreign language I'd never learned. Now I can start conversations with strangers, speak up in meetings, and actually enjoy social situations."

He detailed seven important steps he took to beat his shyness and social anxiety with hopes that others who struggle can feel more confident.

confidence, confident, become confident, how to be confident, self esteem You Got This Season 6 GIF by The Roku Channel Giphy

Start stupidly small.
"Don't jump into deep conversations first. Start with 'thank you' to the cashier," he wrote. "Nod at people walking by. Say 'good morning' to your neighbor. Build the muscle slowly. It doesn't matter if its small talk just learn to get into the habit of talking."

Ask questions instead of trying to be interesting.
"'How's your day going?' 'What brings you here?' People love talking about themselves. You don't need to be funny or clever just genuinely curious. Plus it makes conversations longer," he shared.

Use the 3-second rule.
Another tool he used helped him with speaking. "When you want to say something but feel scared, count to 3 and force yourself to speak," he explained. "Don't give your brain time to talk you out of it. The longer you negotiate with your brain the harder it will feel like."

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Embrace being awkward.
Another big step he took: giving up on avoiding awkwardness. "I said weird stuff deliberately. I stumbled over words. I had uncomfortable silences," he wrote. "Guess what? People forgot about it in 5 minutes, but I remembered that I survived it. People move on."

Find your "social training ground."
"For me, it was the gym. Same people every day, low-stakes conversations," he added. "Find a place where you can practice regularly with the same group. Could also be in the library."

Stop apologizing for existing.
Ultimately, he started to value himself. "'Sorry, can I ask you something?' became 'Can I ask you something?' 'Sorry to bother you' became 'Excuse me'," he explained. "Stop starting conversations like you're inconveniencing people. It's not a mistake you were born. So stop being sorry all the time."

stop apologizing, no apologies, apology, don't apologize, apologizing Stopapologizing GIF by YoungerTV Giphy

Remember: Everyone's focused on themselves.
Finally, he reminded others that no one is paying as much attention as you may perceive. "That embarrassing thing you said? They're not thinking about it; they're worried about what they said," he shared. "Everyone's too busy being self-conscious to judge you as much as you think. That's why letting overthinking get the best of us never ends well."

He concluded his story with one last note of encouragement: "If you take nothing else from this just remember you don't overcome shyness by waiting until you feel confident. You build confidence by doing scary social things while feeling scared," he wrote.

What causes shyness?

Shyness is caused by a combination of nature and nurture.

"It’s not that it’s one or the other; it’s both [genes and environment] and they work together," Thalia Eley, professor of developmental behavioral genetics at Kings College London, told the BBC. “It's a dynamic system."

According to Eley, shyness is 30% caused by genetics while the remaining 70% is due to environmental factors. Specifically, shyness develops as a survival strategy.

“It was useful to have people in your group who were off out there exploring and engaging in new groups but it was also useful for people who were more risk averse, [were] more aware of threat and would do a better job protecting young offspring, for example,” Eley added.

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Therapist breaks down where panic attacks come from and how to try to get them under control

The term "panic attack" has been misused online.

Dr. Julie|YouTube

Therapist explains panic attacks and how to control them.

It seems since therapy has become more acceptable to talk about, people are becoming more open about their mental health challenges. But there's also been an increase in self-diagnosis, which in some cases can be helpful, while in others can lead to a bit of misinformation.

Self-diagnoses have also caused confusion around anxiety and panic attacks. That's where Dr. Julie Smith comes in. Smith, a clinical psychologist, takes the time to differentiate between anxiety, anxiety attacks and panic attacks. (Psst...anxiety attacks aren't a thing. It's a misunderstanding around the term, and Smith does a great job sifting through the use of the term.)

"An anxiety attack is a term that's being used more and more online and on social media, often to mean slightly different things," Smith says. "And the reason for that is because it's not a clinical disorder or a diagnosis, so it's not a term that's recognized or used by professionals to mean anything in particular."

Due to the misinformation on social media, Smith says she sees it used a lot to mean the build-up of anxiety before an event, which is not the same as a panic attack.

"A panic attack is this abrupt surge of intense fear and discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes, and then during that time, you experience a range of intense symptoms," Smith explains. "So while you can be in a pretty high state of anxiety, a panic attack is where that anxiety really peaks to such an intensity and the symptoms are so intense, you start to think you might be dying or you could be completely losing control."

Smith breaks panic attacks down even further, providing a visual chart to show the circular existence of panic attacks in some people. She also explains how to try to get them under control and when to call a doctor in the video below.

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Family

This clever tool could help you cope when panic attacks strike.

I have struggled with anxiety since high school.

As I've learned recently, it can get really bad sometimes — especially due to my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and anxiety triggers.

Lately, my anxiety has resulted in panic attacks in social settings and insomnia at nights brought on by a fear of nightmares.

That's why I've taken to carrying around a mental health crisis kit.

It's always good to be prepared, and in my case, that means being equipped with the tools I need to prevent an oncoming attack or help treat one that's already happening.

My crisis kit includes:

Aromatherapy diffuser pens
Eucalyptus oil
Fidget cube and tangle
Earplugs
Mascara and eyebrow pencil (in case I start picking at my hair)
Tissues
Tums (because sometimes anxiety gives me stomach problems)
Chapstick (so I don’t pick at my dry skin)
Eyedrops
Tylenol or tension-headache Excedrin
Hand sanitizer
Hard candy (so I don’t bite my nails)
Poetry book, journal, bullet journal (which has crisis plans in it)

That seems like a lot, right?

But it's not — I fit most of my items in a small pencil pouch, so it rarely takes up room. I am a student, and all of the items easily fit in my backpack.

It’s important to know this is what works for me.

When I am having a panic attack or am triggered, it is important to have my eyedrops and tissues for when I start crying and oils for when I need to ground myself.

I carry my journal because I want to log my emotions in the moment. The bullet journal, admittedly my work in progress, has my crisis plans for when I feel a panic attack. I also write poems, and sometimes certain moments help me write.

Personally, I recommend people carry mental health crisis kits, especially if you experience any anxiety or PTSD or panic attacks.

You can even make one for depression. The key is including what helps you.

I told you what I keep in mine as a suggestion, and it has really helped me through tough times. I could be sitting in class, getting all of my anxious energy pooling up and my tangle helps me. But maybe you'll include a happy photo to stave off depressive episodes or a note from a friend that reminds you to stay grounded.

Whatever helps you make it through the day — a crisis kit can help make sure you have it on hand whenever you need it.

This story originally appeared on The Mighty and is reprinted here with permission.

Samuel Bardwell had a bad anxiety attack, so his father took him to the emergency room.

Samuel was playing basketball when he noticed the signs of an impending attack. He had been prescribed an as-needed anti-anxiety medication, but he didn't have any on-hand.

And as his symptoms got worse — vomiting, loss of consciousness — it was clear he needed medical intervention.

Samuel was seeking medical help for a diagnosed condition, but the emergency room physician humiliated him.

According to Samuel's father, Donald Bardwell, when the physician walked in, she didn't introduce herself, ask what was wrong, or perform an examination — instead, she immediately began ranting about Bardwell's condition and his reasons for being there. All the while, Samuel begged her for medication.

At one point, the Bardwells say, the physician's rhetoric became racist: Donald and Samuel are black and the doctor — now identified as Beth Keegstra of El Camino Hospital in Los Gatos, California — accused them of seeking drugs. That's when the elder Bardwell began filming.

It got worse, with Keegstra swearing at Samuel, then twisting his words to claim he'd asked for "narcotics," when all he'd done was ask for something — anything — that could help him feel better.

"You [Samuel] are the least sick of all the people who are here, who are dying. So you put your head up," Keegstra can be heard saying in the video. "Don't try to tell me you can't move. Come on. Sit up."

Anxiety attacks can be incredibly scary — and reaching out for help often isn't easy.

If you've never had an anxiety attack, here's what you need to know: They can be terrifying and are almost impossible to control. One second, you can feel your heart start pumping a little faster, and the next, you're struggling to breathe and feeling you'll soon perish of a heart attack or an embolism you never knew you had.

These attacks aren't dangerous in themselves (in fact, they can't actually kill you), but in the moment, when it feels like both your mind and your body are conspiring against you, it's hard to even tell what's real anymore.

As someone who's experienced many anxiety attacks — and has been to the emergency room several times fearing legitimate heart attacks — I can tell you that there's nothing you need more than a physician who's understanding.

Keegstra was suspended after the Bardwells posted the video of her berating them, but that's only a temporary measure. If there's one thing this video makes clear, it's how difficult it can be to get help for mental illness. And that's why so many people hide it.

Those who live with mental illness already know that friends and family can be slow to understand what it's like to experience anxiety and depression. But a physician treating a patient in crisis like this is a painful reminder of why it's so hard to reach out for help.

After all, if someone whose job it is is to take care of you thinks you're faking, what's the point of speaking out?

Samuel's experience with this doctor is a reminder there's still a long way to go in mental health care.

At a time when mental illness is becoming less of a taboo topic, it's on all of us to be more kind, more compassionate, and more understanding — and to fight against stigma.

And once you watch the full video below, I think you'll agree: We need to do better.

Family

What does a panic attack feel like? Kevin Love's vivid retelling nails it.

Just minutes into a Cleveland Cavaliers' game against the Atlanta Hawks, Cavs star Kevin Love knew something was wrong.

He was out of breath but struggled his way through the first half of the Nov. 5, 2017, game anyway. Moments into the third quarter, it hit him. Hard. For the first time in his life, he was having a panic attack. In an essay for The Players Tribune, Love described the experience:

"I felt my heart racing faster than usual. Then I was having trouble catching my breath. It’s hard to describe, but everything was spinning, like my brain was trying to climb out of my head. The air felt thick and heavy. My mouth was like chalk. ... I was just hoping my heart would stop racing. It was like my body was trying to say to me, 'You’re about to die.' I ended up on the floor in the training room, lying on my back, trying to get enough air to breathe."

I’ve never been comfortable sharing much about myself. I thought about mental health as someone else’s problem. I’v… https://t.co/8M1NSb8G3A
— Kevin Love (@Kevin Love) 1520341193

The essay is a beautiful, honest look at mental health stigma.

Love described the panic attack "as real as a broken hand or a sprained ankle." He went to the hospital that night, thinking that something was wrong with him, but every test came back totally clear. That's part of what makes panic attacks so scary: The physical symptoms are there, and they are very real. While it's easy to dismiss a panic attack as being all in your head, it's a whole different story while you're having it.

"If you're suffering silently like I was, then you know how it can feel like nobody really gets it," Love wrote. Stigma is what causes people to suffer in silence, as he said, and points to how it hits men especially hard.

Love #0 and teammate LeBron James #23 pause during a January 2017 game against the Phoenix Suns. Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images.

"People don't talk about mental health enough," he wrote. "And men and boys are probably the farthest behind."

"Growing up, you figure out really quickly how a boy is supposed to act. You learn what it takes to 'be a man.' It’s like a playbook: Be strong. Don’t talk about your feelings. Get through it on your own. So for 29 years of my life, I followed that playbook. And look, I’m probably not telling you anything new here. These values about men and toughness are so ordinary that they’re everywhere … and invisible at the same time, surrounding us like air or water. They’re a lot like depression or anxiety in that way."

Overcoming the lessons of that "playbook" could save lives.

Tens of millions of people experience panic attacks and associated anxiety disorders each year. More than half won't seek treatment.

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the country, affecting 40 million adults in the United States each year. Despite the fact that treatment is relatively simple and extremely effective, more than 60% of people with an anxiety disorder won't get help. There are many barriers to mental health treatment, with mental health literacy and stigma both serving to dissuade people from seeking treatment.

Love during the 2017 NBA Eastern Conference Finals. Photo by Elsa/Getty Images.

Love's essay addresses both issues. His detailed description of a panic attack might help others recognize a problem in their own lives and to not see it as a sign of weakness. He didn't want to "seem weird or different," so he kept to himself for a while. Now he's using his platform to raise awareness.

"Everyone is going through something that we can’t see," he wrote, sharing a lesson that can be applied to countless issues. It's a call for empathy, for understanding, and of course, for self-care and good health.