kids grief

Grief is a universal experience that touches everyone—from kids to adults. And for fourth grade teacher Ryan Brazil, she used her own recent loss to help educate and open up to her students about grief.

In a touching video, Brazil tenderly explained what grief is to her students after they finished reading A Kids Book About Grief by Brennan C. Wood. She tells her class, "More than half our class is in tears and is being vulnerable and brave and sharing stories of their own grief."

She then pulls out an empty vase that she explains represents her "brain and her heart," before adding: "I normally have more space for patience, focus, and calm. I showed them how little things that happen during the day like noise, questions, mistakes are like colorful pom poms filling up the vase. Normally, there’s plenty of space to handle those things."

However, due to grief, she added that she has less space—and put a crumpled up piece of black construction paper in the vase to demonstrate the space grief can occupy in a person's heart and mind. "It can make you more tired, less patient, and quicker to feel overwhelmed. I wanted my students to understand that if I seemed off lately, it wasn’t about them. It’s just my brain and heart are doing a lot of extra work right now," she added in the video caption. "It turned into one of the most healing moments I’ve ever had in my classroom."

Brazil tells Upworthy that the lesson deeply impacted not just her students, but herself. "My sister passed away recently and very unexpectedly, so I’ve been having a difficult time. I was feeling overwhelmed and in pain, and I needed a way to discuss what was happening in my brain and my heart," Brazil says.

So, she decided to share with her students rather than hide. "Discussing grief with my students changed something in our classroom. So many kids opened up about their own losses," she says. "Some were more recent and some were before they were born, but they were still hurt by them. There was this release of emotions that felt like they were probably holding on to those feelings for a long time. We really rallied around each other and were there for each other. It was really helpful for me, personally. I felt understood in that moment and part of a community."

She hopes that her video will encourage others (including educators) to open up to students. "I am not an expert (on most things, honestly), but I don’t think that’s what kids need," she adds. "They don’t need us to be perfect, they just need us to give them space to feel and understand that feelings are welcome. We all learned that grief isn’t something to hide. It’s something we can learn to hold onto together."

Expert tips for how to teach kids about grief

Looking for more ways to explain what grief is to your kids? These are five tips from grief experts to help.

Name the feelings, not just the loss

"Kids often mirror our emotions but don’t always have the words for them. Instead of avoiding words like sad or angry, model using them out loud: 'I’m feeling sad today because I miss Grandpa'," Angie Hanson, a certified grief coach, educator, and author of Chapters of a Resilient Heart, tells Upworthy. "This helps kids name and normalize their own emotions. Grief becomes less scary when it’s spoken about openly."

Tip #2: Use simple, honest language

"It is commonplace to use words like 'passed away' or 'lost' when talking about death, but these words can be confusing and add to misconceptions and anxiety for young children," Jessica Correnti, MS, Certified Child Life Specialist at Kids Grief Support and author of The ABCs of Grief, tells Upworthy. "It is recommended to use concrete, factual words like 'death,' 'died,' and 'dying' even though these may feel blunt or difficult to say. Grief is a small word, but a very confusing and layered experience."

Create a “heart space” ritual

"Like the vase activity, give grief a visual home. Create a small jar or box called a heart space," says Hanson. "When they miss someone, they can place drawings, notes, or keepsakes inside. This teaches them that love doesn’t disappear, it changes form, and it’s okay to keep that connection."

Keep grief in the conversation, not just the moment

"Children revisit grief as they grow. Keep their loved one’s memory woven into everyday life," says Hanson. "Bake their favorite cookies, tell stories, or say, 'I wonder what Grandma would think of this.' It shows that grief isn’t a one-time event but an ongoing expression of love and remembrance."

Recognize that you may be grieving too

"It is important for adults to have trusted spaces and people to confide in about their grief reactions so they can be present and available for their child(ren)," Dr. Micki Bruns, Ph.D., a childhood bereavement experts and CEO of Judi's House/JAG Institute, a childhood bereavement center in Denver, Colorado, tells Upworthy. "At the same time, adults should normalize grief reactions and model healthy coping."