Social skills expert shares 3 'magic phrases' that make you more likable
Sometimes, we need to overcommunicate how we feel about others.
Vanessa Van Edwards and people at a party.
A familiar misstep people make when trying to be likable is trying to impress others. They want to show they are funny, intelligent, and a great storyteller. They think being the life of the party is the road to likability. However, study after study shows that it’s a lot easier to be likable. All you have to do is show interest in others. To put it simply: If you like people, you will become more likable.
There’s a slight wrinkle in the notion that liking more people makes you more likable. Many people you like aren’t sure that you like them. The psychological phenomenon known as signal amplification bias says it best. We tend to overestimate how clearly we broadcast our feelings and intentions towards others. So, the person we like and who likes us may not know the feeling is mutual.
“We think our signals are obvious,” Vanessa Van Edwards told Steve Bartlett on the Diary of a CEO podcast. “If we like someone or if we’re having a good time, we think, ‘Oh, they for sure know it.’ They don’t.” Van Edwards is a communications expert and the author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People.
To help people clearly communicate their feelings, Van Edwards suggests three “magic phrases” to show you care. Check out the video below.
Phrase 1: ‘I was just thinking of you’
“You think of a lot of people in your life all the time,” she said. “If you are thinking of someone and you can text them: ‘I was just thinking of you, how are you?’ I was just thinking of you, how’d that project go?’ was just thinking of you. It has been a while since we talked.’ You see a movie, you see a documentary, you see a matcha latte, you see a mug, you see a ceramic candle, and you’re like, ‘Ah, this made me think of you,’” Van Edwards said. “My text messages, my conversations, are full of actual moments where I was triggered to think of that person, actually,” she said, noting the importance of being genuine. “If you don’t think of someone, they’re not a person you need to have in your life.”
Phrase 2: ‘You’re always so …’
"So if you're with someone and you're impressed by them or they're interesting or they're funny, say, 'You always make me laugh. You’re always so interesting,’ or ‘You’re always so great in interviews.' Giving them a label that is a positive label is the best gift you can give someone, because it's fighting that signal amplification bias,” she continued.
Phrase 3: ‘Last time we talked, you mentioned …’
“We are so honored when we get brain space—that you remembered and you’re going to bring it up,” she said. “And you specifically bring up something that they lit up with, something they were like, ‘Ah, it was great, it was exciting, it was wonderful.’”
If studies show the more you like other people, the more likable you become, Van Edwards has the next logical step in becoming more likable. She makes it clear that, due to signal amplification bias, many people you like may not even know it. When we employ her three ways to be more likeable, though, we can let people know we like them without making them feel uncomfortable, thus establishing bond to build on.