Vanessa Van Edwards and people drinking wine.
Have you ever been to a networking event or on a first date and wanted to impress the person you’re talking to, but it was hard to make a natural connection because you were stuck in your head? The conversation feels like it’s on the brink of stalling, and you’re overthinking, trying to come up with something to say.
It’s natural to overthink a social interaction, especially when you want the other person to like you. So, how do you get over that blocked feeling and make a genuine connection? Communications expert Vanessa Van Edwards, founder of the Science of People and author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, shared some great advice during a Reddit Ask Me Anything.
Van Edwards says the key to overcoming overthinking is to go from perfect to purpose.
A grinning woman has good people skills.via Canva/Photos
How to stop overthinking during small talk
Van Edwards' advice came after someone asked: “I tend to overthink when trying to make a genuine connection with someone, which can sometimes cause a block in conversation. How do you recommend shaking it off?”
“The ONLY way I have been able to conquer this is reframing from perfect to purpose,” Van Edwards wrote. “I used to try to make a connection with someone by being ‘perfect.’ The perfect conversation. The perfect stories. The perfect connection. The perfect handshake...you get it. It actually caused me to be less perfect.”
She added, “I realized that what made me less nervous was trying to aim for a purpose. So now in EVERY interaction I create some kind of purpose, anything from ‘pretend you are about to introduce this person on stage, what would you need to know about them’ to ‘find 3 similarities between us.’”
By reframing social interactions so they have a purpose beyond impressing people, you're bound to feel more relaxed.
A woman speaking to colleagues at a networking event. via Canva/Photos
Let’s say it’s a first date. Here are some examples of a purpose that’ll direct your conversation:
Find the types of entertainment you have in common.
How would you write a short Wikipedia introduction on them?
Get a clear picture of where they would like to be in 5 years.
What’s a great purpose to have in a networking conversation?
How can I help this person achieve their goals?
What are some things about our industry that they know that I don’t?
What are some pitfalls they’ve encountered in our industry that I should avoid?
Three people talk during a networking event. via Canva/Photos
The great thing is that in situations where you can plan ahead, such as a networking event or a date, you can already have your purposes top-of-mind, so you can go into the interaction without feeling nervous. After you’ve spent the first 20 minutes or so focusing on your purpose, the conversation may begin to flow naturally.
Finally, there’s no need to try to impress people when you first meet them by showing off how smart, funny, and accomplished you are. In fact, your job is to do the opposite. Studies reveal that by showing an interest in others, you will be seen as far more likable than if you try to impress people. So practice active listening and ask a lot of questions, and you’ll make the best first impression possible.