+
“A balm for the soul”
  review on Goodreads
GOOD PEOPLE Book
upworthy
Family

50-something-year-old dad impresses the masses with an adorable dad-daughter dance battle

The video was shared more than 280,000 times in two days.

chris starkey, dad daughter dance, dance battle

The Starkeys' epic dance battel.

Chris Starkey posted a video to Facebook on Monday of himself and his daughter Brooklyn doing a dance-off to Flo Rida's "Low"—and it's unexpectedly awesome. Starkey wrote, "My daughter challenged me to a dance off and said I don't have it anymore. See that closet in the back she is still crying in it!!!" So much silly shade thrown around in this family, it's delightful.


When you see their fun banter and Starkey's middle-aged-man moves, you'll see why the video has been shared more than 280,000 times in two days. Starkey wrote in a comment that the reaction has brought tears to his eyes and encourages everyone to "Give back to your community" right now. He also says another video will be coming on Monday.

Excellent. We need this kind of levity right now more than ever.

Chris Starkey

This article originally appeared on 03.25.20

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this.

This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.


In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”



“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

Study shows people with these 5 personality traits are more satisfied in life.

The surprising findings are a bit of a good news/bad news situation.

Unsplash

If you were to try to pinpoint the things that might lead someone to say they're satisfied with their life, there might be a few obvious choices.

Things like having fulfilling relationships, an enjoyable career, good physical health, and a decent salary seem like a good starting point.

But while all of those things definitely play a role in how happy we are, a new study shows that there are much bigger factors at play — and that they come entirely from within.

A new study shows that people with certain personality types and traits are more likely to be satisfied with their lives.

A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology revealed some fascinating insights about the long-studied realm of Life Satisfaction — which seems like a super important thing to get to the bottom of!

Regardless of what was going on in someone's relationships or career, researchers were able to predict with a high level of accuracy someone's satisfaction level based on their scores in the Big Five personality domains.


woman in black and white tank top Photo by Caique Nascimento on Unsplash

The characteristics people shared that lead to a higher likelihood of them being satisfied were:

  • Emotionally stable
  • Extroverted
  • Conscientious
  • Agreeable
  • Open

(Openness and agreeableness were correlated with high satisfaction, but less so than the other traits.)

Data was collected twice over a ten year period, and researchers found that people who were highly satisfied tended to stay that way — providing even more evidence that outside circumstance, which naturally ebbs and flows through the years, didn't play a large role.

Some feelings and traits that were highly correlated with feeling low satisfaction were "misunderstood, unexcited, indecisive, envious, bored, used, unable, and unrewarded" according to the study.

The findings could seem like bad news for people who feel they might score the opposite way in the Big Five. As an introvert myself, I have to admit my heart sank a bit when I saw the list. But don't worry, there's plenty of hopes for all of us.

The good news is that personality can change over time, and it's quite common for people to see big changes in the "Big Five" personality traits as they age.


woman taking photo while showing smile Photo by Gabriel Silvério on Unsplash

Even if you're a closed-minded, emotionally unstable introvert, that doesn't mean you're doomed to a lifetime of dissatisfaction. It's just a correlation. There are lots of happy people on all ends of the spectrum.
And better yet, our personalities can and will change over time, especially if we want them to.

In particular, becoming more conscientious and agreeable as you get older is quite common! Changes in some personality traits even continue into our sixties and beyond.

You can even become more extraverted over time, if you're motivated to do so. It doesn't seem super fair, but the modern world is definitely biased toward making extroverts feel comfortable (especially in America), so it makes sense that introverts may need to adapt in some ways to feel that they're living their best life.

Essentially, introverts can "fake it 'til you make it" by adopting certain extroverted behaviors until they start to feel a change in the way they see themselves. You may never be a true "life of the party" type but you can cultivate your inner extrovert.

(It would also be great if modern schools and workplaces met introverts at least halfway.)

If that fails, you can always work on being more open-minded and conscientious.

Once you understand that our personalities are fluids, the new findings about life satisfaction should be seen as a good thing. Almost everything we need to feel fulfilled and content with our lives is already inside of us, and it's not as dependent on our jobs or romantic relationships as we previously thought.

While being in good physical health or making a good salary are definitely a big leg up, happiness really comes from how you see the world and how you approach the problems you do have.

It's not a simple on-off switch, but I think it's amazing news that just because external factors beyond your control might be making things hard, there's always room to grow into a more satisfied approach to life.

A salesman selling a car to a skeptical woman.

It can be intimidating to be approached by a salesperson when making a big purchase, such as a car or an appliance. They can swoop in like sharks, seeing blood in the water and some refuse to leave you alone, even if you say, “I’m just looking.”

TikTok's @RussFlipsWhips is a car salesman who went viral with a video explaining why “I’m just looking” doesn’t work on a car lot and providing more effective phrases you can use instead.

"There's two main reasons, and here's what you should say instead of 'I'm just looking,'" he said in a video with over 345,000 views. “One is, we hear it every single day. So when somebody tells me, ‘I’m just looking,’ I’m so used to hearing that, I almost like brush it off and ignore it because I’m like, ‘That’s what the customer’s supposed to say.’ “Secondly, every car salesman has had a customer say, ‘I’m just looking,’ and we ended up selling them a car."



Instead, Russell suggests you say: "Hey, I’d really like to look alone. Can I please have your business card?" or “I’m really not in the market for a car.”


@russflipswhips

Replying to @SoyPablo This is what I would say #carsales #carsalesman #cardealership #carbuyingtips

The post received funny responses from folks who may not qualify for a loan. “The ‘I have 2 repos and no money down' line works wonders,’” one TikToker joked. “I just tell them my credit score and they run,” another added.

In the end, Russell’s suggestions show that sometimes, the best way to get our point across is to be direct and honest. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to shop alone and if the salesperson can respect that request, they deserve the sale if you decide to buy something.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

The switch to the Gregorian calendar messed up our measurement of time for a bit there.

If you think crossing time zones and navigating Daylight Savings Time can be confusing, imagine losing or gaining multiple days just by crossing a border.

That was life for Europeans in the late 16th century after 10 days were eliminated from the Gregorian calendar. In 1582, if you lived in a Catholic country, the calendar went from October 4 to October 15—the dates in between just didn't exist. As a result, you could find yourself going back or forward in time simply by entering or exiting a non-Catholic country.

What happened to the missing 10 days in October of 1582?

The mystery of the missing days isn't so much a mystery as a miscalculation. For nearly 1,600 years, the Julian calendar had been used by people across Europe, and on the surface it wasn't a whole lot different than the Gregorian calendar we use today—365 days in a year with a leap year every 4 years and the spring equinox being placed on March 21.

But there was one problem: It was off on how long a solar year is by 11 minutes and 14 seconds.

That may not seem like much, but after over 1,000 years, it added up. Placing a leap year every four years without exception meant that the equinox was slowly pushed back on the calendar. By the mid-1500s, the equinox fell on March 11 instead of March 21. As a result, the calculations for Easter were thrown off.

How the Gregorian calendar recalibrated the spring equinox

After years of consultations among church leaders about how to fix the problem, Pope Gregory XIII signed an edict implementing a new calendar system—the Gregorian calendar we use today—in February of 1582. As part of the implementation, 10 days were removed from October during weeks that wouldn't affect any of the Christian holidays to get the equinox back to March 21.

But losing those days wasn't seamless. For one, since the change came from the pope, non-Catholic countries weren't too keen on taking up the new calendar. Austria, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Poland, and the Catholic states of Germany switched to the Gregorian calendar, but Protestant and Orthodox countries of Europe resisted. They all came around eventually, but it took more than 100 years for the British Empire to jump on board, and some countries, including Russia, Turkey, Greece, Albania, Lithuania, and Estonia, didn't make the switch until the 20th century.

In the meantime, the removal of October 5 to 14 meant that dates were different in different countries—and in some cases even within the same country. Germany was split by Catholic and Protestant regions, so the two different calendars made travel between those regions really weird date-wise. (Imagine trying to navigate that kind of chaos in today's global neighborhood. Good thing they didn't have airplanes then.)

Leap year calculations in the Gregorian calendar are a little more complicated

Now, one might ask, "If the Julian calendar had a leap year every four years, didn't that account for the length of time in a solar year? How is that different than the leap years we have in the Gregorian calendar?"

The answer is that the way leap years work in the Gregorian calendar is a bit more complex than many of us realize. Most of us were taught that we have a leap year every four years, which is generally true, but with some regularly scheduled exceptions. We don't hear about these exceptions because they happen so infrequently and won't happen within our lifetime, but they make all the difference mathematically.

In the Gregorian calendar, we add a day to the calendar (February 29th) every four years except on years that can be divided by 100, which are not leap years, unless the year can also be divided by 400, in which case it is a leap year. That might sound confusing, but essentially, 1700, 1800, 1900 were not leap years, but 2000 was. The years 2100, 2200 and 2300 will not be leap years, but 2400 will be.

Removing those leap years every 100 years but not every 400 years accounts for the miscalculation in the Julian calendar, just as removing the 10 days from October of 1582 fixed the drift that had occured over millennia because of it. There are still different calendars used in different places for different purposes, but the Gregorian calendar has gradually become the international standard for dates and times.

Time may be a construct, but humans have managed to construct quite a detailed system of measuring it, even with some quirky bumps along the way.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

I have plenty of space.


It's hard to truly describe the amazing bond between dads and their daughters.

Being a dad is an amazing job no matter the gender of the tiny humans we're raising. But there's something unique about the bond between fathers and daughters.

Most dads know what it's like to struggle with braiding hair, but we also know that bonding time provides immense value to our daughters. In fact, studies have shown that women with actively involved fathers are more confident and more successful in school and business.


You know how a picture is worth a thousand words? I'll just let these images sum up the daddy-daughter bond.

A 37-year-old Ukrainian artist affectionately known as Soosh, recently created some ridiculously heartwarming illustrations of the bond between a dad and his daughter, and put them on her Instagram feed. Sadly, her father wasn't involved in her life when she was a kid. But she wants to be sure her 9-year-old son doesn't follow in those footsteps.

"Part of the education for my kiddo who I want to grow up to be a good man is to understand what it's like to be one," Soosh told Upworthy.

There are so many different ways that fathers demonstrate their love for their little girls, and Soosh pretty much nails all of them.

Get ready to run the full gamut of the feels.

1. Dads can do it all. Including hair.

relationships, fathers, dads

I’ve got this.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

2. They also make pretty great game opponents.

daughters, daughter, father

Sharing life strategy.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

3. And the Hula-Hoop skills? Legendary.

bonding, dad, child

Tight fitting hula-hoop.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

4. Dads know there's always time for a tea party regardless of the mountain of work in front of them.

family bond, parent, child-bond

Dad makes time.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

5. And their puppeteer skills totally belong on Broadway.

love, guidance, play

Let’s play.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

6. Dads help us see the world from different views.

sociology, psychology,  world views

Good shoulders.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

7. So much so that we never want them to leave.

travel, inspiration, guidance

More dad time please.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

8. They can make us feel protected, valued, and loved.

protectors, responsibilities, home

Always the protector.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

9. Especially when there are monsters hiding in places they shouldn't.

superhero, monsters, sleeping

Dad is superman.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

daddy-daughter bond, leadership, kids

Never a big enough bed.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

Seeing the daddy-daughter bond as art perfectly shows how beautiful fatherhood can be.


This article originally appeared on 04.09.16