paternal postpartum depression

Being a brand new parent can be really hard. You're in a season that many people have been in before but it's impossible to fathom what it will be like until you're going through it yourself. That's because everyone is different. We all have different distress tolerances, different levels of assistance, different relationship dynamics and unsurprisingly exactly zero babies are exactly the same. Truly, even identical twins have completely different personalities which are often evident from the moment they're born.

So no first time parent knows exactly what they're getting themselves into but thankfully, most figure it out. A good rule of thumb to remember is that it's your first time being a parent and it's also your baby's first time being a baby. You're learning together. That doesn't always help mitigate the overwhelm or very real emotional changes parents can feel, even dads.

While there has been increased focus on supporting new moms in recognizing symptoms of baby blues and postpartum depression, there's not much attention paid to the changes new dads experience. One in ten men experience paternal postpartum depression and anxiety so it's important that we don't leave them out of the conversation on postpartum mental health.

a man sitting on a bed holding a baby Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

This very well could be a possible reason this dad took to a parenting group desperately seeking advice for how to handle "hating being a new father."

The anonymous father writes, "I have a three week old daughter. I feel so terrible - I just feel nothing for her. I'm finding it impossible to function without sleep. Everyone always talked about how you'll love every minute of it and how I need to 'treasure' these moments as I won't get them back - I just don't get it, what part of this is good? I have no life anymore. I have zero independence."

He shares that he can't explain his feelings to his wife and would go back to his former life if he could before concluding, "I feel like an awful person... but... how was I to know this wasn't for me before I tried it?"

woman holding baby beside man smiling Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Oof! The level of guilt he feels is evident, but what's also evident is that even though he's feeling detached from his infant, he's still caring for her. From his own words people can see that he's doing his best to become a good father and trying to be a supportive partner. Normally in open parenting forums people would pile on the guilt by shaming a parent for feeling anything other than immense joy for your child at all times whether it's realistic or not.

In this case it seems that fellow parents could hear the worry and desperation in his words, immediately rallying to offer supportive words and suggestions. One person writes, "Lack of sleep is an absolute killer.You need to see about sleeping in shifts so you both get a decent period of uninterrupted sleep. Take the baby out for a walk in the stroller. If it’s cold layer them up. You’re not a bad father, it’s a huge adjustment and it’s really hard with no sleep. But it also is what you make of it, so get outside and move your body and go for a beer or a coffee with a friend."

Baby Nbc GIF by This Is UsGiphy

A mom of two offers some solid validation, "You aren't awful. This sht is hard. It can take dads a lot longer to bond with babies. You've just got to fake it til you make it. Try to have skin to skin time with baby to give the chemical reaction in your brain a jumpstart. Just talking to the baby about what's happening around you can also help you feel a connection, just like it does when you meet a new person. Around the 2month mark things should start feeling more natural and like you're a part of things. 4month it goes to sht again due to sleep regression and then things can be a bit chaotic til around 8month when they start crawling or standing or walking even. You do look back on these days and think "wow I wish they were slower" but then you remember a poonami episode and are glad your kid is toilet trained. Try to hang in there. It does get better!"

love and hip hop baby GIF by VH1Giphy

Another father relates to the struggle but encourages that things get easier, "When my child came, I had a hard time with the loss of my previous life. I was worried that I made the wrong decision in having a kiddo and thought to myself that I wasn’t meant to be a father. That lasted for a long time honestly. I did love my kiddo, but I wouldn’t say I was bonded with him for a long time. He is 8 now and I treasure the times that we have together, he is fun and infuriating and hilarious and clever and has no common sense. Yours will their own mixture of things, but you will come to love them."

"Anyone who says you’ll love every minute of it is a damn liar and no one can change my mind," one mom writes in part before sharing further. "Having a child is a shocking life change. Your wife has a slight advantage in that her life change happened when she found out about the pregnancy, and so she’s had 8-10ish months to come to terms with it, while going through physical changes. Yours is mental and 3 weeks ago shit hit the fan. It’s ok to feel lost. Imagine if someone you were close to had died - you wouldn’t be any less shocked in 3 weeks. Give yourself some time and make sure you do bond with your baby by simply holding them and talking to them."

man in white crew neck t-shirt with tattoo on arm Photo by Devon Divine on Unsplash

The amount of validation and nonjudgmental support is heartwarming. Hopefully the new dad feels the level of support offered by others and knows that while it can be a hard adjustment that he can always reach out to others for support. If he or any other new father recognizes that they may be struggling with symptoms of paternal postpartum depression, support is available through therapy or the Postpartum Support International HelpLine.