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Mom stands up for woman mom- and fat-shamed for feeding kids powdered donuts for breakfast

Let's talk about "donut mom."

via Alexabii97/TikTok and Bmchper/TikTok

Bailey defends Alexandria's breakfast.

Alexandra Sabol is a writer and a mother of 3 in North Carolina who makes TikToks centered around cooking and raising her family. Many of her videos feature her giving a deadpan look while preparing meals that look a lot like those cooked in everyday American homes. But, sadly, the food just isn't good enough for some self-righteous moms on TikTok.

(And that could be the exact reason why Alexandra is posting videos.)

In a video with over 3.3 million views, Alexandra filmed herself preparing a meal for her 1-year-old daughter that included 3 powdered donuts and an applesauce pouch. The video received a lot of negative feedback from other parents who shamed her for feeding her 1-year-old donuts as well as her appearance.

"Healthy and nutritious! Just like mom," one user wrote. "No toast? No cereal? No fruit? Surely one of those options is better than those powdered donuts," Miss Cheetah added. "Fruit would be just as cheap, maybe a dollar or 2 more expensive, but worth it for your child," Aiden Stanley added.

Breakfast! 

@alexbabii97

Breakfast! #platebreakfastwithme #breakfast #fyp #foryoupage #foryou #fypシ #fypシ゚viral

The mom- and-fat-shaming inspired other mothers to jump in and defend Alexandria. They shared how they also feed their kid the occasional donut and what’s most important is if the child is eating well and loved. The post also inspired a thoughtful TikTok of support from Bailey, a formerly sanctimonious mother, who defended Alexandra’s choices and admonished those who judged her.

She also pointed out the uncomfortable fact that women who don’t meet traditional beauty standards are likelier to be shamed online.

“I see creators on this app every single day who have a million or so followers and fit the traditional standard of beauty. They will make their kids junk. They will go spend $500-plus at the grocery store on mostly junk and no one says anything probably because they're popular and they're skinny,” Bailey said.

Let’s talk about the “donut mom.” 

@bmcpher

Let’s talk about the “donut mom.” #fyp #donutmom #momsoftiktok #parenting

“You have this woman that is not a widely known creator, is not a hundred pounds, and she's getting shamed on a large scale getting shamed. I am just so terribly sorry for her," she continued.

She added that she knows she shouldn't feed her children processed foods, but it's impossible to be perfect.

“I'm that mom, and yet, sometimes you know what [my daughter] eats? Cake pops, donuts, french fries, cookies because she deserves to live a little bit because sometimes, while it's not the best, sometimes, moms, we're not at our best. Sometimes, we lack a little bit,” she said.

Bailey then pointed out that the reactions to Alexandra’s video have more to do with the commenters' lives than the mom they are shaming. She admitted that she understands how the commenters feel because she used to be that way before she was changed through her faith.

"I used to be one of those moms, in another life—pre-Jesus me—that would see that video and judge this mom," she said. "I was unhappy in my life. I was unhappy living the life that I was living. In my marriage, in my home, in my parenting, I was not happy. So I had to use the few things that I did right to judge other moms."

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Mom reveals strangers' unsolicited parenting advice caused extreme anxiety

Other moms joined in by sharing their own stories.

Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

Mom reveals strangers' unsolicited parenting advice caused anxiety.

What is it about birthing a human that makes other people feel the need to offer you advice you didn't ask for? It's one thing to hear it from family members or friends, but some of the most condescending advice comes from strangers on the street or on the internet.

One mom's experience with unsolicited advice from strangers caused her to have extreme anxiety about leaving the house. In the video, TikTok creator Young Mi Mayer explains that the young mom in the video she stitched was being yelled at by a stranger for not having a jacket on her toddler.

She breaks down how babies and toddler are experts in communicating with their mom when they're uncomfortable, and says to her followers, "If you don't have kids you might not know this but like, children of that age, babies and toddlers are biologically built to express any level of discomfort and pain to their mother."

Mom shaming is not a new phenomenon. It's likely been happening since the second generation of parents existed thousands of years ago if we're being honest. But that doesn't change the intense pressure some moms feel to please everyone, including strangers on the street. Mayer explained that when her son, who is now 8 years old, was a toddler she would have a panic attack every time she left her apartment.

The panic came from trying to make sure she had every article of clothing correct for the weather to avoid strangers yelling at her. She even had someone demand that her baby wear sunglasses because the sun was bright. Obviously, yelling at strangers isn't OK but judging by the comments, it's a common experience for moms out with their children.

One commenter named Ki said, "My daughter is 28 and I still remember crying because of strangers scolding me at bus stops." Another mom, Andrea, wrote, "I was nursing my infant while on my cell phone & a woman came & lectured me about the 'cell phone radiation' & I started crying." It's safe to say no one should be yelled at in public by strangers and people should mind their own business so long as no one is in imminent danger.

See the full video below (contains some strong language):

@youngmimayer

#stitch with @kuuipodawn this isn’t about correcting moms it’s about the disproportionate anger people feel around mothers

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The story behind this viral photo shows why mom-shaming needs to stop

It was just one tiny fraction of a moment, captured in time. And it didn't look good.

Back in 2016, a man in a Colorado airport took a photo of a mom browsing her cellphone, her young infant squirming on a blanket on the ground in front of her. His original post (which has since been removed) was uploaded to Facebook with the caption: "Albert Einstein said, 'I fear the day that technology will take on our humanity ... the world will be populated by a generation of idiots.'"

Sure, absent any context, background, or explanation, the photo seemed to show a mom so uninterested in her child she'd rather check Facebook than pick her up off the floor.

But is that really what was happening?

Once the photo hit the internet, it went viral — and out came the pitchforks. The mom, Molly Lensing, was under attack.

Suddenly Lensing's parenting skills were being questioned by thousands of strangers online. She was labeled an "idiot" and a "terrible parent" by commenters. Her photo became the "parenting fail" of the week.

But in an interview with Today, Lensing says those people didn't know the whole story.

At the moment that the photo was taken, Lensing's flights had been delayed for almost an entire day — 20 hours, to be exact — due to a computer systems issue. Her infant daughter, Anastasia, "had been held or in her carrier for many hours," Lensing explained. "My arms were tired. She needed to stretch."

As for the cellphone? "I had to communicate with all the family members wondering where the heck we were," she said. Perfectly reasonable, right?

But here's the thing:

It shouldn't matter that Lensing had a "good explanation." Mom-shaming has got to stop.

The man who took Lensing's photo did not ask her permission, did not know her, and certainly had no idea what her day up until that moment was like. He had no way of knowing what she was doing on her phone. He had no idea that Lensing is actually a pediatric nurse.

Not all moms go viral and get flooded with thousands of hateful messages from around the world, but a recent study shows that over two-thirds of moms have been criticized to some degree for their parenting decisions.

Nearly everything seems to be fair game: formula instead of breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public, yelling or not yelling, letting kids watch videos on iPads, not doing enough to keep them occupied at restaurants. And, apparently, taking your eyes off your kid for a few minutes to send an important text message and to give them a bit of time to stretch out on the floor.

Sarah Clark, the co-director of the mom-shaming study (officially titled "Mom shaming or constructive criticism? Perspective of mothers"), suggested to Yahoo! that, while there are a few hard rights and wrongs in parenting ("don't let your kids eat razor blades," for example, is an obvious hard right), disagreements in the gray areas can cause some parents to doubt their decisions and lash out defensively.

Collectively, we've all got to do better.

"I know that I am the best momma to my girls, and I know that I cherish them and am raising them the best I can," Lensing said, now a year or so removed from her viral moment.

It's all any of us can do, so let's start cutting each other a little bit of slack.

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This woman’s a ‘bad’ mom. And she’s damn proud of it.

Sia Cooper is a mother of two, a certified personal trainer, and an Instagram dynamo with over 921,000 followers.

WHY DO YOU WORKOUT ON VACATION?? 🤔 I’m sure some of you might wonder. To me, it’s just another day to improve myself mentally and physically while indulging. Yes, you can do both! 🙃 I also like keeping up my routine so that when I go back home to my ordinary life, it won’t be as hard to get back into the groove. Also my muscles won’t hate me for taking that time off. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I don’t think working out on vacay is obsessive nor is it to punish myself for anything that I ate! I workout because it’s a celebration for what my body can do and I want to treat it well. 💜 Trust me... I’m eating all the pancakes while I’m here! I’m just also balancing it out with keeping fit, too! ✌🏽

A post shared by SIA COOPER (@diaryofafitmommyofficial) on

She’s also discovered an excellent way to get rich.

“If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been called a ‘bad mom,’ Cooper wrote in a recent Instagram post that’s since gone viral, “I would be soooo rich!”

OK, so maybe Cooper won’t be heading to the bank to cash in on this any time soon, but anyone who’s ever been shamed for not being a “good enough” parent will immediately know what this mom’s talking about.

The reasons Cooper’s been criticized? It’s not neglect or abuse — she’s not handing her kids a box of matches and telling them to knock themselves out — but rather, a host of regular everyday things that other people see as “wrong” due to their own subjective values.  

And according to the list of complaints Cooper’s collected, it seems like no one’s holding back from offering their opinions on her parenting.

Here are just some of the things Cooper’s been called out for: working out while having kids, having tattoos and piercings, letting her kids use technology, drinking wine “every now and then,” letting her kids enjoy a Happy Meal on occasion, not covering up, having a hobby, and — bafflingly — using canned goods and plastic crockpot liners.

She’s also gotten flak for exercising at Target.

The only thing she hasn’t gotten criticized for? Breathing. ...At least not yet.

We are back at @Target and getting our fit on! 🎯 I even got a few employees to join in with me. 👯 Obviously, Target isn’t where I go to workout-it’s the idea behind it. However, many have taken these videos way too literally and have missed my main point. As a busy mom of two, I don’t always have time to make it to a gym and I don’t expect you to, either. Get it where you can; when you can. As a certified personal trainer, I preach this to my clients daily. It’s the little steps that you take that create the biggest results. Those calf raises that you do while reaching from the top shelf. Those squats you do while waiting for dinner to cook. Those lunges you do at the gas station. Those jumping jacks you do during commercial break. It ALL counts! Think outside the box and get creative. Don’t be afraid to do you. Don’t care what others think! 🤷🏽‍♀️The haters talk because they have nothing else to do. Special thanks to Target employee @veratellez for joining in the fun!💜

A post shared by SIA COOPER (@diaryofafitmommyofficial) on

It’s like parents can’t do anything right.

“It seems almost impossible to be a textbook or politically correct good mom these days because everywhere you turn another mom is judging your parenting choices,” Cooper wrote in her post.

She’s not alone in her exasperation. According to a 2017 survey, 61% of moms said they’d been criticized about their parenting choices.

And with all those (perhaps well-meaning) critical opinions on top of raising two kids? Well, it’s enough to drive someone to distraction — or at least the occasional glass of wine that Cooper mentions having.

Shaming someone’s parenting choices is just wrong.

As any amount of how-to books will tell you, parenting is hard work. And moms especially can be under a lot of pressure to be perfect. But that doesn’t mean they have to give in to all the finger-wagging that comes their way.

That’s why Cooper’s no longer fighting the “bad mom” label. In fact, she’s actually damn proud of the kind of mom she is.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been called a “bad mom,” I would be soooo rich! It seems almost impossible to be a textbook or politically correct good mom these days because everywhere you turn another mom is judging your parenting choices. Am I right? I’ve been called a bad mom for: Workout out during pregnancy. Working out while having kids... period. For caring about my looks and health. Working out in Target. Using canned goods and plastic crockpot liners. Having tattoos and piercings. Enjoying wine every now and then. For letting my kids use technology. For letting my kids have sugar and happy meals occasionally. For not “covering up” around my kids. For running a full time business from home. For co-sleeping with my kids. For collecting sports cars and motorcycles aka having a hobby. For taking time for myself. For having abs. I’ve learned that the true “bad moms” out there are the ones who constantly tear other moms down by judging them. Those moms are the ones who are truly insecure and have strong feelings of inadequacy because why else would they do that? Misery loves company. There’s no one right way to parent or to be a mom. We all are running in the same race and doing the best that we can. Motherhood is not a one size fits all-what works for one family may not work for the next. So who are we to judge another mom’s choices or reasoning? Being a mom is hard enough and if all the following make me a “bad mom” then I’ll gladly wear it proudly! Here’s to all the bad moms out there. Follow @badmomconfessions to submit a confession or read other anonymous mothers’ spills! @todayshow @goodmorningamerica @theviewabc @thetalkcbs @theellenshow

A post shared by SIA COOPER (@diaryofafitmommyofficial) on

“I’ve learned that the true ‘bad moms’ out there are the ones who constantly tear other moms down by judging them," Cooper wrote. “Those moms are the ones who are truly insecure and have strong feelings of inadequacy because why else would they do that? Misery loves company.”

“There’s no one right way to parent or to be a mom,” she continued. “We all are running in the same race and doing the best that we can. Motherhood is not a one size fits all — what works for one family may not work for the next. So who are we to judge another mom’s choices or reasoning?”

Cooper’s post is an important call for compassion.

Sure, nobody should ignore clear signs of child abuse or neglect, but it’s important to remember that buying into societal notions of what a “good mom” should be is damaging.

And it perpetuates the myth that a mother must be perfect — No wine! No swearing, ever! — to be considered adequate. And that kind of pressure can just lead to more problems.

As Cooper makes clear, “mom guilt” is real. But it doesn’t mean parents have to buy into it.

Think before you comment on someone’s parenting. And if you’ve been criticized? Just breathe, keep going, and continue living your life.

It’s working for Cooper. Why shouldn’t it work for you?

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