upworthy

apology

A woman apologizing.

You messed up, and now it’s time to fess up and apologize. Apologies can be tough because you want to appear genuine so that you can start healing the relationship. Depending on the mistake, a simple sorry just won’t do. So, how do you craft your apology so it has the greatest chance of being accepted? The key is to be incredibly intentional with your word choice.

A recent study published in the British Journal of Psychology found that people sound the most sincere when apologizing if they use longer words than they usually would. “This paper shows that individuals produce longer words in their apologies than in their non-apologetic communication, presumably to express the effort they are willing to exert to express their remorse and/or correct the situation,” the researchers wrote. “Correspondingly, individuals interpret apologies with longer words as more apologetic.”

How to apologize and have it accepted

In plain English, the researchers found that using longer words in your apology than you would typically use makes the person you are apologizing to believe that you are truly sorry. The key here is for you to consider how you present yourself as a speaker. If you don’t usually use big words, you won’t have to stretch your vocabulary too far. However, suppose you typically speak as if you have a doctorate in English literature with a minor in linguistics. In that case, it's going to be a bit harder to find the perfect verbiage for your apology.

apology, sorry, rejection, argument, upset woman, sad male A woman rejecting a man's apology.via Canva/Photos

If you usually would have said, “I'm really sorry,” you'd do better by saying, “I'm genuinely sorry.”

If you usually say, “I am incredibly sorry,” you’d have a better chance of it being accepted if you said, “I am tremendously sorry.”

Let’s take things up a level so you can be a master at apologizing. To be even more convincing, use words that are longer and aren’t used as frequently in regular day-to-day conversation. If you were apologizing for being a bit snappy with someone and would usually apologize with, “I did not mean to be so hostile,” instead, try, “I did not mean to respond in a confrontational manner.”

apology, sorry, argument, man and woman hugging, reconcile, A man and woman hugging.via Canva/Photos

Why do longer words seem more genuine?

Why does using longer words that are less common in everyday conversation make you more convincing when apologizing? Linguists believe that most people try to minimize the effort they put into choosing the words they use, just as they don’t put a lot of thought into interpreting what they hear. Therefore, when you appear to put a lot of thought into your word choice while also putting yourself through the strain of pronouncing extra syllables, you always seem to be more thoughtful and genuine. The person you’re apologizing to is saying to themselves, “They’re using big words that I don’t hear very often; they must have put a lot of thought into what they are saying. They must really be genuine.”

Ultimately, the researchers discovered that, like many aspects of life, effort is crucial. When people see that you’ve invested a lot in your apology, they take notice and just may give you the benefit of the doubt. Unless, of course, if this is the tenth time you’re apologizing for the same thing, then there is no word long enough to seem genuine.

It's not often that a hate crime has a happy ending — or something close to it.

The True Islam Symposium at the Baitul Aman, or "House of Peace," mosque. Image by Wajid Ahmed/YouTube.


Back in November, angered by the terrorist attacks in Paris, Ted Hakey Jr. fired shots at an empty mosque near his house in Meriden, Connecticut.

The Hartford Courant reported that Hakey, a former Marine, pled guilty to intentional destruction of religious property in February. He is set to be sentenced in May and faces eight to 14 months in prison.

Five months later, he did something unusually brave: He stood up in front of members of the mosque and apologized.


"I want to just apologize to everybody," Hakey said at the event, hosted by the Baitul Aman mosque. "I really have no excuses, and I don't think you could imagine the amount of regret I have, and just the heartache I caused for everybody, brought discredit upon myself, the Marine Corps, everything I stand for."

The leaders of the mosque did something even braver, something they did not have to do: They forgave him.


"What was said that day made a huge difference to us," Mohammed Qureshi, president of the mosque, told the Courant. "We greeted and we hugged just like a Muslim neighbor. We know why he did what he did — because he never heard our message. We now see it in his heart and we see it in his eyes."

Hakey told them he wishes he'd gotten to know his Muslim neighbors better before leaping to conclusions about them.

Image by Wajid Ahmed/YouTube.

Qureshi said there were tears in the room as Hakey delivered his apology. After the event, Hakey gave and received hugs from congregants, many of whom reported being moved by what appeared to be a sincere plea for forgiveness.

"We look forward to being good neighbors in the future, and having a close friendship as well," Qureshi said after Hakey's address.

Sadly, Hakey wasn't alone in resorting to anti-Islam violence after the Paris attacks.

In the month following the November killings, there were nearly 40 documented attacks on Muslims in the United States. A Washington Post report found that hate crimes against Muslims are five times more common today than they were before Sept. 11, 2001.

An anti-Islam ad in the New York City subway in 2012. Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images.

It's a danger that makes the Baitul Aman members' willingness to forgive all the more remarkable.

Hakey said that while "sorry" doesn't excuse his actions, he's grateful to the congregation for giving him the opportunity to learn.

His biggest regret was not having come by sooner.

"I was a neighbor, and I did have fear, and the fear was always when you don't know something," Hakey said in his address. "The unknown, you are always afraid. I wish that I had come and knocked on your door, and if I had spent five minutes with you, it would have been all the difference in the world. And I didn't do that."

You can watch Hakey's entire emotional apology below.

(The important part starts at 34:02)