A bored woman.
You’re at a party and find yourself talking to someone stuck on a boring topic. They’ve been ranting on and on for the past 10 minutes about how they ran a marathon, and you have to find a polite way to exit the conversation without making them feel bad. In fact, you’d actually like them to feel great about the time they spent talking to you. But how can you leave the social interaction while still making the other person feel good?
You’ve given them all of the nonverbal cues that you’d like to exit the conversation. You folded your hands and smiled back, tight-lipped, signaling you don’t have anything else to say. However, they’re missing all of the cues and just keep talking about mile 17 of their marathon. That’s why you use the SAT, or Sandwich-and-Thank method, that Renée Zavislak, a California-based integrative therapist, shared with Verywell Mind.
The SAT (Sandwich and Thank) method
Sandwich:
Come up with a compliment first, “What an amazing achievement it is that you were able to run a marathon,” you tell them while patting them on the shoulder. Or, "I never knew it was that hard to run a marathon—that’s an incredible story."
And:
Be sure you use the term “and” between the compliment layer and the thank portion and not "but." When people say "but," it immediately negates what came before, so you don’t want to let them down by reversing the wonderful compliment you just gave them. You want to avoid saying, "What an amazing achievement it is that you ran a marathon, but..."
“All of a sudden, when you say ‘Yes, and,’ you're taking it in a positive direction. You say ‘Yes, but,’ you're taking it in a negative direction," communication expert Vinh Giang says.
Thank:
Finally, you thank them for the information, their time, or attention. "By ending this way, you take the burn out of what could otherwise feel like a rejection," Zavislak said. Then you put it all together: “What an amazing achievement it is that you were able to run a marathon, and I need to go make a phone call. Thank you for the wonderful chat. See you at the next get-together.”
A bored woman.via Canva/Photos
When executed correctly, the person you were speaking to feels like they got their message across and that you enjoyed your time talking with them. It was a positive interaction, and you were able to exit the conversation without making the other person feel judged.
This shouldn’t be confused with the compliment sandwich, where you say something positive, throw in a negative in the middle, and end on a positive, which has fallen out of fashion in recent years. When using the SAT, you don’t say anything negative. You compliment, then state your intention to exit the conversation.
People-pleasers should set boundaries
A bored woman.via Canva/Photos
This technique may be a little hard for people-pleasers who are stuck in the conversation, thinking: “They’re going to think I’m rude if I leave,” or “I’ll just have to wait this out until they stop.” If that's you, realize that exiting the conversation of your own volition is simply creating a boundary around your time and, possibly, around your need for respect. When people monopolize conversations and are clearly boring the person they’re talking to, they are putting themselves first.
“There’s no way around it; that awkward feeling is part of the change process,” Ilene Strauss Cohen, Ph.D., writes at Psychology Today. “But with some practice, your discomfort with setting boundaries will subside. When you can manage your anxiety about facing issues head-on in more helpful ways than in the past, you’ll know you’re practicing healthy boundaries."