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Motherhood

Motherhood

Mom shares the frustrating difference between stay-at-home and working parents

"It is interesting to notice how tied we are to corporate-style success."

via EclecticHomeSchooling/TikTok (used with permission)

Syd explains one of the most frustrating parts of being a stay-at-home-mom.

We all need a pat on the back every once in a while, someone to let us know we're doing a good job. There are many ways for people with careers to feel validated. You can get a raise, a promotion, a great review from your manager, or a professional award. You can also be someone respected in your profession and a mentor to younger people entering your field. These forms of validation help someone feel valuable and accomplished and are all tangible in some way. You can say, "I’m now the vice president of manufacturing," "I won the Excellence in Sales Award," or "I have a larger number on my paycheck."

Syd, a stay-at-home mom named @eclectichomeschooling on TikTok, shared that, unfortunately, moms who work in the home have a hard time finding that same feeling of validation.

stay-at-home mom, motherhood How do you measure success as a stay-at-home mom?Giphy

“Something that I think that a lot of people don’t realize about being a stay-at-home mom, whether you are a homeschool mom or your kids are young and you’re staying home with them during those years, is that there’s no measurement of success. There’s no metric,” she begins her video.

“There’s no one saying, ‘Congratulations, you have been promoted; you are the top of the top of this skill.’ None of that,” she continued. There is no award for an outstanding stay-at-home mom, and there is no manager to give her a review or promotion.

She says that being a good mother to her kids “feels good” and “makes us happy” but argues that it isn’t something you can “hold” or “write down.”

@eclectichomeschooling

It’s everyone’s favorite time of the month! Where I post insane, 3-5 minute, PMS ramblings about motherhood! Okay love you, bye! 😎


“We’re going on eight years of not being able to measure [success],” she continued. “I think that that’s a thing that nobody really talks about or that we don’t really get to talk about with each other. Your partner goes to work: they get promoted, they get raises, they complete their work for the day and they ... get to be like, ‘OK, I succeeded.’ But my [work] is just constant, all of the time, and there’s no metric for it.”

The dishes that Syd cleans will be dirty the next day. The laundry she folds on Monday will be worn on Tuesday and rewashed on Friday.

motherhood, homemaking, stay-at-home mom, laundry Work done in the home is never "done" and often goes unrecognized. Photo credit: Canva

Although Syd has yet to find a solution to this problem, she sees other ways to get the validation she craves. “It’s hard, especially because a lot of us don’t prioritize hobbies for ourselves. That’s a great place for us to find success or a feeling of accomplishment,” she said.

Syd’s video struck a chord with many stay-at-home mothers feeling the same way.

A commenter named Leigh noted that the need for external validation comes from the corporate culture in which Americans are raised. “On my best days, it is interesting to notice how tied we are to corporate-style success. On my worst, it is inescapably crushing,” she wrote in the most popular comment.

“It's the neverending loops that are never complete. We never get the satisfaction of a ‘job well done’ because nothing is ever really done,” Hazel added. “Once I started focusing on my own happiness, it got better.”

According to Love, the lack of praise for a job well done also means that it’s easy to be criticized. “When you’re doing everything right, there’s no praise, etc., but if you do anything wrong or are not perfect, then the issue gets thrown in your face in every way. So you end up feeling like a failure,” she wrote.

Syd told Upworthy that her followers have tried to help her recontextualize her feelings of worth. “Since the video, I’ve had a lot of conversations with moms about how we measure worth by being very wrapped up in productivity through a capitalist lens. It can be tough to divest from that, but it is also so important. Like, what’s a safe and secure childhood worth? Nothing technically, but also the entire world. We do that!” she told Upworthy.

motherhood, stay-at-home mom Validation comes in different ways for stay-at-home moms.Photo credit: Canva

She adds that a few of her followers suggested she should take up martial arts as a hobby. “I’m still pondering that one,” she told Upworthy.

Ultimately, Syd’s realization could have caused her to feel down about herself or resign to a never-ending feeling of being unfulfilled. However, she’s seen it as an opportunity to reevaluate her sense of self-worth and possibly as a reason to branch off into new and exciting hobbies outside her family.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

A young mom with her kids in the ER.

In the fall of 2023, young mother Sage Pasch’s unique family situation attracted a ton of online attention after the 20-something shared a six-second video on TikTok. The video has now been viewed over 48 million times and rests pinned at the top of Pasch's page because it shows how hard it can be for young moms to be taken seriously.

In the video, the young-looking Pasch (young-looking because she is indeed in her early twenties) took her teenaged son Nick to the ER after he injured his leg at school. But when the family got to the hospital, the doctor couldn’t believe Pasch was his mother. “POV, we’re at the ER, and the doctor didn’t believe I was the parent,” she captioned the post.

Pasch and her fiancé, Luke Faircloth, adopted the teen in 2022 after his parents tragically died two years apart. “Nick was already spending so much time with us, so it made sense that we would continue raising him,” Pasch told Today.

At the time the video was posted, the couple had Nick and 17-month-old baby Laith, who they lovingly call Bub.

@coffee4lifesage

He really thought i was lying😭

They now have their third child, a baby boy named Luca, making them a big happy family of five.

@coffee4lifesage

Mother’s Day fit check #momof3 #momsoftiktok #boymom #momlife #sunday #mothersday #boys #ootdinspo #family

After experiencing the ER doctor's confusion, Pasch said that people are often taken aback by her family when they are out in public. "Everybody gets a little confused because my fiancé and I are definitely younger to have a teenager," she said. "It can be very frustrating."

It may be hard for the young parents to be taken seriously, but their story has made a lot of people in a similar situation feel seen.

"Omg, I feel this. I took my son to the ER, and they asked for the guardian. Yes, hi, that's me," one mom wrote in the comments.

"Meee with my teenager at a parent-teacher conference. They think I’m her older sister and say we need to talk with your parents," another added.

Though the confusion is frustrating, it's not slowing Pasch and her family down. In a recent post, Pasch shared that she and her family had welcomed a fourth baby and were taking their followers on a trip to shop for the nursery.

@coffee4lifesage

Meet mousey #momof3 #momsoftiktok #boymom #momlife #funny #hubby #parents #pet #family


After a couple seconds, Pasch admits the new baby they're shopping for is actually their new hamster named Mousey. Judging by some of Pasch's other videos, though, they're trying for a fourth human baby and Pasch is hoping for a girl!

@coffee4lifesage

Happy 🐪 day #momof3 #momsoftiktok #boymom #momlife #parent #lifestyle #routine #wednesday #vlog #school



This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

A child who is bored in school.

A mother has stepped out and made a bold claim about her true feelings on her children’s education, and, surprisingly, a lot of people agree with her. Annie, who goes by @mom.behind.the.scenes on TikTok, believes that grades aren’t the best marker to measure a child’s developmental or emotional health.

Annie is a mother of four who has a unique family. She has one biological child and three adoptees. Given the struggles her family has had over the years, she’s a mental health advocate for children who’ve been involved with the foster care system. Annie is also a doula who really enjoys coffee and has some pretty severe PTSD.

Mom says she doesn’t care about grades

“I don't care about my kids' grades. Now, that might not make me the teacher's favourite, because I really never look at what grades my kids have. I truly don't care now if my kids are passionate about their grades,” she opens her video. “What matters to me is that my kids are doing their best and that they have the resources and the opportunities they need in order to do their very best.”

Annie believes that the child’s emotional health surpasses academic achievement

“I care more that they are mentally okay and emotionally okay and passionate about things in life and kind to other people. And those things are not defined by a letter on a piece of paper or a percentile,” she continues. “It doesn't work that way for the rest of life; it doesn't define who my kids are. If my kids have straight Cs, a D or two mixed in, and they're good humans, I'm good. That doesn't define who my children are.”

happy teens, group of kids, big smiles, smiling teens, group photos, A group of happy teens.via Canva/Photos

Surprisingly, many teachers in the comments agreed with Annie. "I'm a teacher who also doesn't really care about grades. I care that my students put forth effort. I tell my students they cannot fail my class if they show up every day and try, and that's true," a teacher wrote. "Yes! You are raising good humans, not good 'students.’ I love that. As a teacher, that’s what I care about in my students," another added. "As a teacher, I have learned that you are correct and the system isn't what's best for everyone," another teacher wrote.

Motivation is the key to real learning

happy tween boy, happy kid, kid with arms raised, headphones, laptop, green shirt A kid wearing headphones raising his arms in celebration.

Ashley Lamb-Sinclair, a high-school instructional coach and the 2016 Kentucky Teacher of the Year, says that motivation is often an overlooked part of child development. “A willingness to learn for its own sake represents intrinsic motivation, while grades and other accolades represent extrinsic. Research has shown time and again that intrinsic motivation leads to more profound learning. The truth is that the willingness to learn leads to achievement, but so often achievement is the only part that matters to others,” Lamb-Sinclair writes in The Atlantic.

We all have different experiences and priorities with our children, and every family has its unique advantages and struggles. Annie’s philosophy may not be right for everyone, but it is a reminder that grades aren’t everything; there are a lot of qualities that we should develop in children that go far beyond the three Rs.

via J.R. Minton (used with permission)

A Texas UPS driver has a strong opinion on stay-at-home moms.

J.R. Minton, a 33-year-old UPS driver from the Dallas, Texas, area, recently ruffled some feathers with a viral TikTok video titled “SAHMs Listen up!” that begins with him asking, “I mean, how entitled could you be?” At first, Minton appears to fail to appreciate the enormous amount of emotional, mental, and physical labor that stay-at-home moms provide.

“I truly cannot imagine the amount of arrogance you must have to sit there and complain when you are so privileged to have a person who is willing to provide such a carefree life for you,” Minton continues. “Let’s get real! What do you do all day? Your spouse is taking care of everything so you can take care of one thing. How complicated could it be: all you do is go to work?”

At this point, legions of stay-at-home mothers and those who love them considered trucking themselves to Dallas to find this unappreciative UPS driver. However, it was soon apparent that Minton was referring to himself.

@minton__jr

Grow tf up—You should be doing more. #sahm #sahmlife #momlife #mom #momsoftiktok #sahmsoftiktok #sahmtok #momtok


“For 10 hours a day, you get to live the life of a single, childless, carefree man because your wife was willing to take the financial risk of allowing you to be successful in your career while she takes care of everything else,” he continues. “She provides childcare services, home cleaning services, medical services, food services, scheduling services, and a list that goes on and on. And you provide... a paycheck? And you have the nerve to call yourself the provider! What is it going to take for you to realize that, bro, everything you have in your life is because of a stay-at-home mom.”

The commenters on the video breathed sighs of relief and then praised Minton, a father of 4, for publicly appreciating his wife’s work.

sigh of relief, relief, woman sighing, exhaustion, exasperation, joy A woman breathing a sigh of relief. via Canva/Photos

"My sleeves were rolled up, earrings were off, hair tied up.... I was so ready...." one commenter joked. "I thought I landed in enemy territory for a min..." another added. "You have just made me realize after all these years that *I* am the freaking provider and that feels amazing,” a stay-at-home mother wrote.

People appreciate Minton’s post because he praised stay-at-home mothers and placed his wife’s work above his, which he characterized as merely bringing home a paycheck. Minton has one job, delivering packages, but as he noted, his wife is an expert in over five different professions. In a world where stay-at-home moms are fighting to be seen as equals to their working spouses, Minton places them on a pedestal and owes his “carefree life” to them.

"Married life, with children, is bound to be chaotic," Minton told Upworthy. "It’s bound to have its ups and downs; It’s made me question myself a thousand times. However, the marriage my wife and I share has given me the space to find peace."

via Canva/Photos

Minton may be sharing an opinion we don't hear often enough, but he doesn't think he's the only one who thinks that way. "The last thing I am is rare or unique. There’s nothing special about the way that I feel or the things that I say. I have the same thoughts, feelings, frustrations and problems that any other husband or father might be struggling with," he told Upworthy. "The only difference that might be apparent is how I choose to react to the same situations any other man might encounter."

This post isn’t the first time Minton has pulled the bait and switch on his followers. Last year, he made a video where he appeared to take pride in the fact that he never “helps” his wife with chores.


The twist in this video was that he doesn’t “help” his wife with chores because they are also his responsibility. "Because I do what I am supposed to do as a father and a husband. I cook. I clean. I do the laundry. I take care of the kids. I can't help my wife do those things because they are my job, too,” he reveals.

He then urged men to change their perspectives on how they view stay-at-home moms. “Change the way you speak, change the way you think, and grow the f*** up and be a man," he added.

Minton is an equal partner to his wife because he wants to treat his wife and family differently from how he was raised. “Pretty much everything about my parenting style is in spite of what I saw when I was growing up,” he told Today.com. It's wonderful to see someone like Minton breaking the generational cycles. What makes it even better is that he wants to teach others to do the same.

This article originally appeared in January 2025.