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Mental Health

The CREEP method makes it easy to see if you're being played by a narcissist or manipulator

"Don't get played."

narcissist, woman and man, woman angry, lying man, man on couch, couple fight
via Canva/Photos

A woman who is skeptical of her man.

If you are a psychologically healthy person, it’s easy to fall victim to a narcissist or manipulator because you’re not assuming that other people are playing games with you. You just go along to get along. But if you’re in a relationship with a manipulator, they could be playing a long game that slowly unfolds until the moment you realize that you are in an unhealthy relationship. Hopefully, that time comes sooner rather than later. Some people have relationships that last for decades before they realize they have been manipulated.

A popular TikTok user named @Mewmewsha, who refers to herself as "Older Sister," is going viral for a video where she makes it easy to understand the tactics that a manipulator or narcissist may use to control you. She presents it in an easy-to-comprehend anagram—CREEP—which outlines the stages of manipulation, and she also shares her methods for countering each stage. CREEP stands for charm, rage, envy, entitlement, and pity.

“Everyone who's ever manipulated you was following a playbook, and I'm gonna teach it to you so you can recognize when it's happening to you. Cause if you don't learn the game, you'll keep getting played,” she opens her video.

@mewmewsha

Learn the game so you stop getting played - here’s how to outsmart manipulators and covert narcissists by learning their playbook

What is the CREEP playbook used by covert narcissists and manipulators?

1. Charm

“They will act like your soulmate or best friend. They'll flatter you, mirror you, they'll use your language, they'll adopt your mannerisms, and you'll feel so seen and understood. And it is very intoxicating and very deliberate. They are building emotional leverage, they're collecting data. Charm is the bait. And once you're hooked, it only gets worse.”

Counter: “Slow down, because if it's genuine, that charm will last. But if it's fake, soon enough, when charm doesn't get them what they want, you will meet rage.”

2. Rage

“Rage can be loud, but it can also be quiet. It's not always explosive. It can be cold and cruel, stonewalling, contempt, a sudden withdrawal of love and attention. …It's designed to confuse you and guilt you and make you think you need to fix something because you wanna go back to the charming person that was just there a second ago.”

Counter: “You need to detach emotionally, give them nothing, absorb nothing. And the moment you can, you need to leave.”

3. Envy

“Narcissists hate it when you're happy, successful, and independent because it makes you harder to control. Envy will show its face in subtle sabotage. They'll be trying to undermine your achievements. They'll constantly be trying to humble you.”

Counter: Share less, move in silence. The more they know, the more they’ll sabotage you.

narcissist, manipulator, covert narcissist, self-absorbed woman, princess, blonde woman A narcissistic woman.via Canva/Photos

4. Entitlement

“Since they feel like they own you, they expect access to you, your time, and your energy always.”

Counter: Set boundaries.

5. Pity

“When all else fails, they'll act like the victim. They will use your empathy against you. They'll weaponize sadness. They'll cry. They'll act helpless and defenseless. They'll dredge up some old trauma. They will make themselves the victim so they can guilt you into compliance.”

Counter: “Be kind, not nice. Being nice puts you at risk. It makes you feel responsible and self-sacrificial. But when you are kind, it means you have compassion with boundaries.”


It’s worth noting that @mewmewsha isn’t a licensed therapist, so when it comes to mental health issues, it's best to consult a professional. However, her advice does mirror a lot of the standard wisdom surrounding narcissists and manipulators. An article reviewed by Yolanda Renteria, LPC, notes that narcissists have an abuse cycle that repeats itself: “It involves first idealizing a person, then devaluing them, repeating the cycle, and eventually discarding them when they are of no further use.”

We should also be careful not to assume that when someone we know starts acting enviously or entitled, it necessarily means they are a narcissist. It could just be part of normal behavior and emotions. We all have our bad days and personality quirks. So, the counters mentioned above are a great way to tackle everyday interactions with friends, family members, and coworkers when they take a turn for the negative. But when their behaviors start to fit the classic narcissistic and manipulative narrative, then it’s time to be concerned and to question their motivation.

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Family

Married couple says the '3-Hour Night' hack has totally improved their marriage

“It's been so fun and such...a game changer for how our evenings go.”

@racheleehiggins/TikTok

Want out of a relationship rut? The Three hour night might be the perfect solution.

Almost every long term relationship suffers from a rut eventually. That goes especially for married partners who become parents and have the added responsibility of raising kids. Maintaining a connection is hard enough in this busy, fast-paced world. Top it off with making sure kids are awake, dressed, entertained, well fed, oh yeah, and alive…and you best believe all you have energy for at the end of the day is sitting on the couch barely making it through one episode of your favorite show on Netflix.

And yet, we know how important it is to maintain a connection with our spouses. Many of us just don’t know how to make that happen while juggling a million other things. According to one mom, a “three-hour night” could be just the thing to tick off multiple boxes on the to-do list while rekindling romance at the same time. Talk about the ultimate marriage hack.

bored, couple, marriage hack, man ywaning, concerned woman A couple that has lost their spark.via Canva/Photos

What is the 3-Hour Night marriage hack?

The three-hour night was something that Rachel Higgins and her husband began incorporating into their lives at the beginning of 2024. And so far, “it's been so fun and such...a game changer for how our evenings go,” she says in a clip posted to TikTok.

Before using the three-hour night, the evening would look a bit like this: their daughter would go to bed, they would lounge on the couch, scroll through social media, then fall asleep. Sound familiar?

But with a three-hour night, Higgins and her husband divvy up the time before bed into three sections, each for a different focus.In the first hour, starting around 7 p.m., is what Higgins calls “productive time,” during which the couple sees to any household chores that might need to be done.

“So, start with like a quick cleanup of the kitchen or just like things that accumulated throughout the day, and then we try to do something that either ... has been being put off or cleaning the bathroom or like organizing the pantry or hall closet or something like, super random like sharpening the knives. Anything that's productive for the household,” she explains.


@rachelleehiggins

if you’re stuck in a rut with your evenings try this! i saw someone do something similar to this a while ago but can’t remember who! #marriage #1sttimeparents #newyearsgoals

Next, the second hour is geared towards re-establishing a physical or emotional connection in their marriage. The phones go away, and they focus only on enjoying one another.

“So, that could be things like showering together or ‘having fun’ together, playing a game together, or just like anything that's gonna get you guys talking and connecting or like debriefing from the day or just like talking about what you're doing and like the plans for tomorrow or like how work's going or whatever. So, anything that's gonna connect and strengthen and build your marriage,” Higgins says.

Lastly, the final hour of the night is dedicated to anything Higgins and her husband individually want to do, any sort of personal recharge activity. Since this is a judgment-free time, Higgins states that “If you just want to lie on the couch and scroll your phone and watch TikToks or whatever, like watch YouTube videos,” it’s totally acceptable.

happy coupe, couple in bed, young married couple, man with beard, smiling woman A happy couple in bed.via Canva/Photos

Higgins’ novel approach definitely interested viewers, who chimed in with their own questions. One major concern was how the heck this could be done every night. But even Higgins admits that she and her husband don’t succeed at having a three-hour night every night—they usually try for about 3-4 times a week. And honestly, even once a week could still probably be beneficial in building intimacy.

"Such a good idea. Good for us empty nesters too! The phone scrolling is outta control!"one commenter wrote. "This is really cool. The housework is equal. The emotional connection is equal and the self care is equal. No room for resentment," another added. "We don’t have kids yet but I love this and want to do it because the nights slip away so fast!!" a commenter added.

Others wondered how to have a three-hour night when things randomly popped up in their schedule, like when kids won’t magically go to sleep promptly at 7pm. Higgins shares that in these cases, they tend to just shorten each phase. The point being: these can and probably should be customizable, even fun, rather than yet another rigid chore.

Plus, a three-hour night (or whatever your version of a three-hour night may be) is a great way to remind yourself just how high a priority your relationship has in your life, no matter what else is going on at the time. Odds are you'll probably find you do have more time for it than you previously thought.

This article originally appeared last year.

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FamilyModern Families
Joy

A toddler kept tapping a woman's arm on a plane. Her response is a great lesson for everyone.

"Those small hands are a sign of absolute tenderness."

via @Cosmic-Chen/Reddit

What do you do when a little hand comes out of nowhere to feel your arm?

Being locked in a metal box with 150 random people all hurtling through the air at 30,000 feet is quite the social experiment, but one many of us do willingly in this age of air travel. One of the most notable parts of that experiment is that you never know who's going to sit near you on an airplane. Will you get the quiet reader? The Chatty Cathy? The cougher who doesn't cover their mouth? The sweet-but-over-perfumed old lady? The parent with a baby who screams from takeoff to landing?

Flying can feel like a game of roulette, especially when you find yourself sitting near one of the most unpredictable forces on Earth—a toddler. Tiny tots can make for the most delightful trip ever or the most annoying one, but as one couple demonstrates, the difference sometimes comes down to our own attitude.

A video shared on Reddit reads, "We were on the plane when this baby's hand kept reaching out and touching my arm from behind…" At first, we see a zoomed-in shot of a woman's arm next to the window as a little hand reaches around the side of her seat and taps her repeatedly and enthusiastically. Then the camera pans to the woman's face and the face of the man with her, and their expressions say it all.


Clearly, the child is enjoying the feel of the woman's arm. Tap tap tap, rub rub, squeeze, tap tap. No hesitation, zero sense of decorum, just a totally oblivious toddler sensory experience. A little annoying? Probably. Pure and wholesome and worthy of a laugh? Absolutely.

This woman could have asked the parent to stop their child from touching her (and she may have eventually). Not everyone finds small children cute and some people have sensory issues of their own that make such encounters more bothersome than it would be for others. But assuming the toddler arm massage was temporary and that the parents saw what was happening and stopped it, the reaction of the couple is a perfect example of finding the joy in life and rolling with the punches.

As the post reads, "Those small hands are a sign of absolute tenderness," and people are loving the immediate mirthful reaction the pair had to the wee one's curious little fingers.

baby hands, toddler hands, small hands, adult hand, fingers An adult touching a toddler's hand.via Canva/Photos

"Nothing cuter than seeing a baby flailing their arms and slapping things because they are happy. They have no control. They just know they’re happy."

'The baby slaps 'yep this is good arm' tap tap."

"My grandma had the softest bat wings in the world. I used to love to touch them. I’m sure she was self conscious about it but I loved them lol."

"As a parent I would be horrified to discover my kid was doing this but so relieved that they were such good sports about it. These are the types of people we need on airplanes."

"Same, I’m always concerned how my kid behaves on a plane ride (and he freaking loves being on a plane) but I find most people to be such good sports around him. Love when it works out that way. Though I 10/10 would have snatched that hand away soon as I noticed 😂😂😂."

"The people laughing were so kind! I can imagine some people would lose it if a child did this but they just enjoyed it. 🥰"

"Seriously! Seeing the humor in everyday life says a lot about their temperament. They seem like great folks."

Some people shared their own stories of toddlers similarly pawing at perfect strangers. It's helpful to remember that these little ones have only been on the planet for a hot minute and they barely have anything figured out yet. The nuances of what and whom to touch and not to touch takes a while, as does having the impulse control to not just reach out and feel whatever looks soft or interesting in the moment.

toddler on plane, airplane, plane window, mom and toddler, curious child, airplane seats A toddler looking out of an airplane window.via Canva/Photos

"When my sister was a baby, she had an obsession with hair. My mom had her on a plane when she was probably 15 months or so and she was practically vibrating about the young woman seated next to my mom. She had Marida hair - massive red curls down to her waist.

Mom leaned over to her and said, 'I am sorry to bother you, but my baby has a hair fetish. She may try to reach over and touch your hair, just let me know if she bothers you. She won’t pull on purpose, she’s just gonna want to touch it.'

The lady thought it was cute and let my sister hold her hair balled up in her little fists for the whole flight. I think I’ve head this story about 17161626185 times in my life, lol."

"Little kids like to just touch stuff to learn more about the world around them, but parents need to be constantly paying attention so their kid doesn't accidentally harass someone!"

"A little kid of around that age did this to me at a restaurant once- he walked up to me, rubbed my bare forearm, and then gave me that same mesmerized look and tapped me with his hand a couple times. I didn't think too much of it (was more puzzled/confused than anything), but his mom had to pick him up and apologized anyway. Kids are funny haha."

"Yes this is so adorable. The last time I took a flight with a kid sitting behind me he was kicking my seat for like two hours before I politely turned around and gave a look to his mother and said 'hey my little friend. I know this flight is long and you wanna get out of this seat but do you mind not kicking my seat anymore?' Then I gave him a piece of paper and some (like 5 out of my 50) colored pencils and asked him if he could make me a secret drawing and pass it to me quietly and I’d make him one. I’m an artist and I always carry watercolors and colored pencils and sketch books on flights. We ended up passing drawing back and forth for the rest of the remaining 5 hour flight. He didn’t kick my seat again… I suspect it was the poignant look I gave mom. But so he was engaged. Every 20 minutes or so I’d feel a little tap on my arm and a folded up little drawing would appear. I still have them in the pocket of a moleskin somewhere."

Here's to grownups joyfully embracing the reality of co-existing with small children, in all their curious, sensory-driven, hands-on glory.

This article originally appeared earlier this year.

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Heroes

A man found a strange egg and incubated it. 28 days later, it hatched and changed his life.

It's a love story straight out of a Pixar movie.

Courtesy of Riyadh Khalaf/Instagram (used with permission)
When Riyadh found an egg, he had no idea how much it would change his life.

When we come across something that's wrong or amiss, we often have a choice. Leave it for someone else to deal with, or do the right thing. Taking action is hard, but it's a risk that can have absolutely beautiful results.

The story of Riyadh and Spike starts like the opening to a children's book: "One day, a man was walking along and spotted a lone egg where an egg should not have been…" And between that beginning and the story's mostly sweet ending is a beautiful journey of curiosity, care, and connection that has captivated people all over the world.

Irish author, broadcaster, and activist Riyadh Khalaf was out walking in Devon, England, when he came upon an egg.

"We just found what we think is a duck egg," Riyadh says in a video showing the milky white egg sitting in a pile of dirt. "Just sitting here on its own. No nest. No other eggs."

duck egg on the ground, duck egg in incubator, duckling just hatched, humanity, kindness, ducks, animals, wildlife, conservation What would you do if you found a lone egg on the ground? Photo by Alexander Andrews on Unsplash

Thinking there was no way it was going to survive on its own, Riyadh put the egg in a paper cup cushioned with a napkin and took it home to London, which entailed two car rides, a hotel stay, a train ride, a tube ride, and a bus ride. He said he used to breed chickens and pigeons, so he had some experience with birds. Knowing the egg could survive for a while in a dormant state, he ordered an incubator on Amazon. An incubator keeps eggs at a particular temperature and humidity range in order to allow them to continue growing. They mimic the warmth the egg receives from the mother birding sitting on it in the nest. Without that warmth, the fetus inside the egg will die.

With the egg tucked safely inside the warm incubator, te journey to see if the egg was viable began.

Even though it was "just an egg," Riyadh quickly became attached, and once it showed signs of life he took on the role of "duck dad."

Every day, the egg showed a drastic change in development. The incubator was working, and Riyadh's giddy joy at each new discovery—movement, a discernible eye, a beak outline—was palpable. He devoured information on ducks to learn as much as he could about the baby he was (hopefully) about to hatch and care for.


Finally, 28 days later, the shell of the egg began to crack. The baby was coming!

"I could see this very clear outline of the most gorgeous little round bill," Riyadh said—confirmation that it was, indeed, a duck as he had suspected. But duckling hatching is a process, and one they have to do it on their own. Ducklings instinctively know to turn the egg as it hatches so that the umbilical cord detaches, and the whole process can take up to 48 hours. Riyadh watched and monitored until he finally fell asleep, but at 4:51am, 29 hours after the egg had started to hatch, he awakened to the sound of tweets.

"There was just this little wet alien staring back at me," he said. "It was love at first sight."

Riyadh named his rescue duckling Spike. Once Spike was ready to leave the incubator, he moved into "Duckingham Palace," a setup with all of the things he would need to grow into a healthy, self-sufficient duck—including things that contribute to his mental health. (Apparently ducklings can die from poor mental health, which can happen when they don't have other ducks to interact with—who knew?)

"My son shall not only survive, but he shall thrive!" declared the proud papa.

Riyadh knew it would be impossible for Spike to not imprint on him somewhat, but he didn't want him to see him as his mother. Riyadh set up mirrors so that Spike could see another duckling (even though it was just himself) and used a surrogate stuffed duck to teach him how to do things like eat food with his beak.

He used a duck whistle and hid his face from Spike while feeding him, and he played duck sounds on his computer to accustom Spike to the sounds of his species. He knew that Spike could not stay and live with him forever, so he'd need to learn how to become a normal, every day duck.

"It's just such a fulfilling process to watch a small being learn," said Riyadh.

As Spike grew, Riyadh took him to the park to get him accustomed to the outdoors and gave him opportunities to swim in a small bath. He learned to forage and do all the things a duck needs to do. Throughout, Riyadh made sure that Spike was getting the proper balanced nutrition he needed as well.

In the wild, most ducks eat plants, small insects, seeds, grains, and fruits. Some species of ducks will even eat small fish. Contrary to popular belief, bread is not good for ducks. It's not inherently harmful, but it's basically candy to them — it has little to none of the nutrients their bodies need. So if they fill up on bread, they may eat less of the foods they really need. Riyadh had a lot to learn!

Check this out:

After 89 days, the day finally came for Spike to leave Riyadh's care and be integrated into a community of his kind "to learn how to properly be a duck."

A rehabilitation center welcomed him in and he joined a flock in an open-air facility where he would be able to choose whether to stay or to leave once he became accustomed to flying. Within a few weeks of being at the rehabilitation center, his signature mallard colors developed, marking his transition from adolescence. Spike has been thriving with his flock, and Riyadh was even able to share video of his first flight.

This is the where "And they all lived happily ever after" would be a fitting end to the story, but unfortunately, Spike and his fowl friends are living in trying times. The rehabilitation center was notified by the U.K. government in December of 2024 that the duck flock needed to be kept indoors for the time being to protect them from a bird flu outbreak and keep it from spreading.

Building an entire building for a flock of ducks is not a simple or cheap task, so Riyadh called on his community of "daunties" and "duncles" who had been following Spike's story to help with a fundraiser to build a "Duckingham Palace" for the whole flock. Riyadh's followers quickly raised over £11,000, which made a huge difference for the center's owners to be able to protect Spike and his friends.

All in all, Riyadh and Spike's story is a testament to what can happen when people genuinely care. If Riyadh had left that egg where it was, it may not have made it. If Spike hadn't survived and been moved to the rehab center, the ducks there would be in greater danger of the bird flu due to the costs of building an indoor shelter for them. Despite the ongoing bird flu threat, the story really does have a happy ending.

In an update from June 2025, Riyadh shares that Spike is currently living with Leanne Clarke, who built a rescue shelter called "The Quack Shack" in her home. Riyadh's story and fundraising made much of the construction possible. Spike is starting to remember Riyadh less and less, which is bittersweet, but means that Spike is thriving in his new safe, domesticated life.

Thank to Riyadh for sharing Spike's journey with us. (You can follow Riyadh on Instagram here.)

This article originally appeared in January. It has been updated.

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15 moms share their most 'unhinged' parenting moves that they refuse to apologize for

"Never ground your teenager. Tell them you’ll tag along to all their activities instead and join in. Game changer."

via Canva/Photos

A stressed mom has her kids jumping on the couch.

Being a parent can put someone under incredible stress. Whether it's dealing with tantrums, a partner who isn’t helping, the laundry that keeps piling up, spills, awful smells, or French fries stuck in the back seat, parenthood is not for the faint of heart. In fact, just about every parent has a moment when they are pushed to the brink and may have had to resort to questionable tactics to get by.

Recently on Threads, Victorious Mamas, a site that provides moms with a "daily dose of mom-life and motivation," asked a very personal question to the mothers out there, and many were unafraid to give an honest answer. “Give me your most UNHINGED mom sanity hacks. I'm not talking about ‘take a bubble bath’ or ‘drink more water,’” the viral post read. “I mean the most feral, desperate thing you've ever done to survive motherhood.”

View on Threads


The parents responded with the “I did what I did to survive” type of responses that you’d hear from a war veteran, and their candor is refreshing to parents everywhere who may have acted a little unhinged when they were pushed to the limit. Some parents even bragged about the ways they’ve gone against time-honored parental wisdom on food, sleep, and disciplinary tactics just to make it through the day.

Here are 15 of the most 'desperate’ and ‘unhinged’ things moms have done to keep their sanity.

1. Scheduling breakdowns

"Unhinged hack?I started scheduling my breakdowns. Not kidding! (Don’t judge!)If I know the week ahead is chaos ..double childcare, big project, sleep regressionI’ll literally block off a 30-min cry session in my 📆 Yip it sounds bonkers (I already know)Because if I don’t plan for the crash, I end up spiraling during school pickup, or crying into a cold coffee with one boob out 🤯Some people plan yoga. I plan emotional triage.And you know what? It’s batsh*t crazy but it works for me."

2. What's on my butt?

"I used to play 'What’s on my butt?' when I was sick and home with the kids alone. This game required me lying down on the couch and closing my eyes while my kids randomly placed items on my backside. I had to guess what each item was. I was a very bad guesser so this game took a long time and I got to rest. I also played 'Mom’s in the crypt' which required me lying down on my back on the couch with my eyes closed while they built Legos that had to be magnificent enough to rouse me."


mom and son, playful child, stressed mom, woman with glasses, family on couch, A son grbs his mom's glasses.via Canva/Photos

3. They eat what they like

"Food is food. If he wants to eat French fries for breakfast, then whatever."

"Same. I truly don't get why food is assigned to certain meals. Sometimes I want fries for breakfast, too."

4. No more grounding

"Never ground your teenager. Tell them you’ll tag along to all their activities instead and join in. Game changer."

5. Unlimited screen time

"I know people fear this, but I’ve noticed my kids regulate themselves when it comes to screen time. I don’t have to monitor it heavily because they’re usually done after an hour or so."

"You say this now, but that just causes behavioral issues, honestly"

6. This mamma moved

"We moved from Australia to rural Latin America so we could easily afford a nanny, cook and cleaning lady."

"This is what me and hubby did as well, we moved to Ecuador and life is amazing, food is better and my baby is happy!"

7. Stop folding clothes

"Stop folding their clothes, just sort 'em a bit and put 'em in the drawer. Laundry is done in 5 min."

"I do this too. 4 girls plus my own clothes to fold? No thanks."


tired mom, laundry, laundry basket, clothes, moms, laundry room A tired mom in a pile of clothes.via Canva/Photos

8. Caterpillar Bowl

"My kids are picky about eating vegetables, but also they don't understand the Super Bowl and love to play make-believe; stay with me: we somehow invented a game called Caterpillar Bowl in which they compete as two caterpillars who squirm around the living room and have to eat lettuce leaves to win. They have consumed entire heads of lettuce in this fashion."

"When my kids were little I would peel half a cucumber and told them they were like popsicles. They’d hold the non-peeled part and eat away. Idk but it worked better than just cutting them up."

"I did this, but with dinosaurs! I used to put a handful of spinach on their plate and tell them they were TRexes that can’t use their arms to eat aso they’d rawr and eat the whole plate."

9. Let them stay up

"Going to bed and letting them kids stay up until sleep wins because that means they sleep until midday and my husband and I have quiet, slow mornings together alone. It’s the only way we’re surviving summer with them."

"Yessss. I’ve been doing this all summer with my 12-year-old. He stays up gaming with friends, and I get peace and quiet till around noon. Fucking amazing!"

10. Have two kids

"It's too tiring to entertain 1 child all the time. So we made another. The moment she could walk, we decided that THAT was the best parenting decision we ever made."

"I did this. Worked like a charm."

11. Retire from motherhood

"I locked myself in my room before. Told my kids "nope. I'm done. I've retired from motherhood." And locked myself in my room. My daughter drew a picture of her and her 2 siblings outside the door crying. They even video-called Nana. She texted me asking if I'm alright."

12. Pretend you're a cow

"When my kid is in full meltdown mode, I start making random animal sounds in response. Nothing diffuses a tantrum like a sassy cow."

"I sing in Opera. It's kinda the same as this. Something about using random sounds to respond instead of words in that moment."



13. Pull an all-nighter

"About once a month, I pull an all-nighter and get sh*t done. Laundry, dishes, finishing a crochet project, showering, cleaning out the fridge, etc. In the morning, I am the calmest, pleasant, and PRESENT mom. Sometimes it just builds up so much that I get too restless to really rest, and I get tired of staying up until 3 or 4 am trying to catch up on one thing each night and just need a full reset."

14. Enjoy a car wash

"I bought a car wash membership, and I hit that thing every time I was out. Something about putting your car in neutral and being dragged through life for two and a half minutes grounded me. They used recycled water."

"I usually scream loudly while going through, I feel so much better after."


15. Saturday is Dad Day

"I kick my family out of the house on Saturdays. Saturday = Dad day. And I don’t do any to help him prep. He makes lunches and snacks and decides where to go, and they come home at 7 with dinner in hand. Sometimes I clean the house. Sometimes I sleep all day. It is *my* day to do with I want."

"We call it 'Daddurday.'”

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Woman realizes she comes from a 'recreational argument' family and so many people feel seen

Understanding this phenomenon is so helpful, no matter how you feel about debate vs. conflict.

Photo credit: Canva

Do you come from a recreational argument family?

Have you ever noticed that some families can get into heated arguments—raised voices, vehement disagreement, rhetorical takedowns—and then act as if no actual conflict has taken place? If you come from a totally-conflict-avoidant or a genuinely-conflict-ridden family, such passionate debates might feel uncomfortable. If you come from a "recreational argument" family, it's just what people do when they get together.

A woman's realization that she grew up in the latter kind of family has prompted discussions about the whole idea and has people from all kinds of backgrounds feeling seen. Emmaline (@emmaleendryer) shared in a video, "As someone who came from a recreational argument family…I just learned the term "recreational argument"—which I thought we were all doing—and I owe a lot of people a lot of apologies."

Why does she owe some apologies? Because if you come from a recreational argument family, where argument is treated as a form of entertainment and debate is seen as an enjoyable activity like playing cornhole, you might assume that's the norm for everyone. And if you assume it's normal, you might argue with someone just because, or perhaps even to try to bond with them, and wind up surprised when they don't respond the way you expect them to. Either the person doesn't volley with you at all and just seems confused, or they engage in the debate but leave genuinely upset by the interaction.

A Reddit post explained the phenomenon like this:

"There are some people who 'argue' for fun. Flexing their rhetorical skills over something of no real-life consequence is a nice way to pass an afternoon. My In-Laws are like this. My father-in-law will argue with anyone about literally anything because to him, this is a fun game and he'd like to play with you, so Thanksgiving and Passover are always somewhat fraught holidays. I suspect a number of people online who are 'trolling' aren't actually trolling, but engaging in what they see as a Perfectly Normal Invitation to play.

"There are about the same number of people, in my experience, that find being in the general proximity of other people arguing the most agitating bullsh_t imaginable. Some people experience this as extreme, irrational annoyance, like people with misophonia when they hear chewing, and for some people the clinical meaning of the term 'Triggered' is applicable here because disagreements will, genuinely, trigger major psychological distress. Often, the more pointless and trivial the argument, the more agitating it is.

"The majority of people are somewhere in the middle of these extremes, and would like everyone else to mind their manners."

arguing, recreational argument, debate, discussion, mental exercise Some people love to argue for fun, others hate it. Giphy

To be clear, recreational arguing isn't fighting. There's no actual conflict taking place, but for those who are used to only experiencing debates or disagreements as fights, a passionate debate can feel like—and therefore be mistaken for—real conflict.

People in the comments clearly fell into different camps, further elucidating the point. Those who came from recreational argument families discussed the enjoyment they get out of arguing:

"It’s fun to debate vigorously."

"What’s the point in having a brain if you aren’t going to use it? I could argue about literally anything because it’s fun to really think about sh_t. I don’t understand how you can enjoy life without a little recreational argument tbh."

@thelivstorygoes

gotta go write some apologies hold on #recreationalarguing #familydynamics #roastfest #siblings #highcortisol

"I love recreational arguing. Growing up my siblings and I were constantly like we’re not fighting — this is just how we talk."

"Why are you arguing??' Bro I thought this was just a conversation?"

"I have never heard the term recreational arguing before but this is the perfect explanation for why I enjoy a good debate and other people hate me for it 😂."

"I married outside of the recreational argument community. I love him but it’s tough."

"I come from a playful roasting family and i for sure accidentally bullied some kids in elementary school that I thought I was friends with."

However, those who didn't grow up with that normalized explained how uncomfortable it is to be around:

"It’s so stressful for someone who does not do recreational arguing. 😭"

"YEP I go into full fight or flight every single time. It’s so emotionally taxing for me to even witness it!"

recreational argument, debate, discussion, time out, calm down Arguments are stressful for some people, even when they're fun for others. Giphy GIF by 5A5Bseries

"Yep my husband and father in law discuss politics and religion regularly and energetically. they get so riled up sometimes and I just hide in my room. I don't do raised voices well, even when I know they aren't mad, they are just loud talkers. 😅"

"Cannot emphasize enough how much I DESPISE recreational arguing and debates. Literally hell on earth to be in a group of people like that."

And then there were the people who came from one kind of family but felt like they belonged in another:

"i grew up in a household where people just did not talk to each other. The first time i spent time with a recreational argument family it was like i was freed from a cage. I love it. i love talking and thinking and exploring and learning."

"Try being a recreational arguer in a family where people argue argue. I just wanna have a nice fun disagreement but now everyone is mad."

recreational argument, debate, discussion, conversation, discourse, fighting There can sometimes be a fine line between debating and fighting.Photo credit: Canva

"I yearn to be a recreational argument family so I married into one… visiting my own family I often forget & get labeled argumentative… like yeah I’m trying to have stimulation conversation here."

"What is it called when your family tries to be a recreational argument family but it almost always blows up into real fights? 😭😭"

Emmaline's admission that she might owe some apologies highlights the importance of understanding these different perspectives. If we assume all people view passionate discussions the way we do, we risk creating actual conflict or at the very least some uncomfortable feelings. When we listen to different people's perspectives like those shared in the comments of Emmaline's video, it's easier to see when it may not be the right time—or the right person—to engage in a debate, especially if it's just for fun.

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