We need both in ordr for a conversation to shine.
It’s fascinating how being social is so deeply ingrained in our DNA. Yet, many of us struggle to have truly impactful, engaging, or at the very least enjoyable conversations with one another.
Of course, we need not blame ourselves for this dilemma. Aside from giving the occasional problem child a note on their report card stating “doesn’t get along well with others,” special skills aren’t necessarily taught to us from a young age. That, and we live in a world with fewer and fewer inherent opportunities to connect, coupled with the fact that we attribute labels like “introverted” or “shy” that imply it goes against a person’s very nature to strike up any small talk. Which might be partially true, and thus ultimately limiting.
Thankfully, the Internet is filled to the brim with expert-backed tips and tricks that can make this conundrum a little easier (we should know—we’ve indeed written quite a few pieces on the subject).
This brings us to the “driver and passenger” conversation analogy, something coined by communications expert Vanessa Van Edwards.
Two people in a car.Photo credit: Canva
Essentially, a “driver” is the person steering the conversation, while the passenger is simply along for the ride. Think of someone (driver) retelling the plot of a movie they just saw while the listener (passenger) “oos” and “ahs.”
Each role provides a necessary function, but each has strong and weak characteristics. Bad drivers, for example, might dominate a conversation and talk constantly on autopilot, creating tension.
Similarly, bad passengers might stay silent and contribute nothing to the conversation, making it equally uncomfortable.
Example of a bad driver, versus a bad passenger.Photo credit: Canva
On the other hand, good drivers are adept at “including everyone at their comfort level,” and great passengers “listen intently.”
As you can probably surmise, most of us instinctively gravitate towards either driver or passenger most of the time. If you lean towards being more extroverted, you likely tend to drive conversations. And if you’re most introverted, you might prefer to be a passenger, sitting back to let someone else dictate where things go.
But what happens when two extroverts meet and talk over one another because they only know how to drive? Or when two passenger introverts struggle to steer the dialogue at all? The importance of being able to handle both positions becomes ever clearer.
As Van Edwards explains, there are key scenarios where it might be better to assume a specific role. When you’re in a setting in which you don’t know anyone, being a passenger is optimal. When you’re in a group and are familiar with most of the people, being a driver is often the best option.
Bottom line, as Van Edwards, “You have permission. You are in control of which role you want.”
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Just like any good road trip, the best conversation happens when someone keeps things moving forward, and someone else manages the vibes. Each person knows their job and contributes intentionally. And they each know to switch places at the next pit stop.
The Frenchman's monologue was absolutely spot on 
A mom and son talk on the couch.
A happy family.
Little girl dancing via 
A small audience applaudsCanva
Young boy at the piano via