One person's romantic is another person's cringe.
We all love a good love story. The grand gestures, the unbridled spontaneity, and those "against all odds” moments that give relationships a dose of movie magic are everything. But, sometimes, the things we’ve been taught to swoon over—whether that be due to pop culture or more overarching societal trends—are actually pretty toxic when you stop to think about them.
Recently, someone asked folks to share their own examples of behaviors that are “weirdly romanticized” but are actually major red flags once you look past the glossy surface, and honestly, it’s eye-opening.
Here are some of the most surprising (and perhaps unsettling) examples they shared. One major category belonged to those tropes we see in many, many television shows, movies, and even songs…
1. "Having someone who is completely obsessed with you."
2. "Enemies to lovers. It's cute in theory, but how can you be with someone when you know all the disgusting things they've said about you before your relationship?"
3. "I used to love the 'asshole-to-everyone-except-you' trope until he started being an asshole to my friends. Some tropes are meant to stay fictional."
4. "The 'I'm just a girl' trend and other TikTok trends that are used to deflect any accountability or responsibility as an adult human being."
5. "The idea of someone cheating on their spouse to pursue you. How is that romantic? Please be serious."
6. "Pressuring someone to hurry up and put a ring on it."
Two people brought differing, yet equally important views on work/love life balance.
7. "Sacrificing your professional or personal life to pursue someone."
8. "Honestly, I think we conflate hard work with unhealthy boundaries between the self and career, and we romanticize working overtime, long shifts, and doing excessive tasks as a display of personal growth. We've manipulated ourselves into feeling that giving our time to pursue our work is noble. I'm saying this as a student in medicine, where hours are absolutely wild. I know I'll work my hardest, but I won't sacrifice my sense of self and my time to eke out my own passions and life just to get ahead in my career track. At least, I hope I don't lose sight of myself in the pursuit of following my dreams. It can be really hard not to notice that that's where you're headed until you've already sacrificed so much."
How folks handle—or don’t handle—conflict also was a major red flag.
9. "Not being confrontational. Needless confrontation is bad, but sometimes, you do need to confront someone."
10. "Fighting all the time. No, it doesn't mean that your relationship is 'passionate.' It means that you're probably incompatible and shouldn't be together."
Finally, this category belongs to things that many people think often carry a hidden warning, even if they seem workable, even harmless, at first.
11. "I knew a girl whose boyfriend went everywhere with her. He wouldn't let her go anywhere if he weren't there, and she thought it was cute how 'possessive' he was over her. It thoroughly icked me out when she told me. Like, that is not healthy at all."
12. "Being a 'free spirit.' Like, there's a gray area, but there's a time and place to be inhibited and misbehave. Not following rules in public settings because you're 'free' gets old really fast."
13. "Being the charismatic 'heavy drinker' in friend groups. Goes for men and women."
14. "When people say things like, 'He's just broken,' as if it's something romantic. Having pain doesn't justify cruelty, and loving someone shouldn't mean bleeding just to make them feel whole."
15. "People who brag about not being interested in reading or learning. Here in the US, there is a huge anti-curiosity or anti-intellect movement, and people will literally brag about being ignorant."
16. "Being over controlling. My coworker thinks it's adorable when they say stuff like, 'My husband would kill me if I got a tattoo there!' Gross. Sorry that your husband is so fragile."
17. "People who constantly post about their partner. It's not romantic, it's performative. Real love doesn't need a PR campaign."
18. "'Traditional values.'"
Lastly, perhaps the oldest red flag in the book…
19. "The idea that playing games or being 'hard to get' in a cruel way will make their crush or interest want them more."
Note the one gesture that no one mentioned as un-romantic: flowers. Just sayin'.
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