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extrovert

Mental Health

There's a new personality type called the 'otrovert' and one major trait sets it apart

"I feel seen for the first time in my life!"

Photo Credit: Canva

A person stands out in a crowd.

So many of us have the desire to compartmentalize our personality traits into neat little boxes. "Oh, she's such an INFJ. Oh, he's such a Gemini." Some of it is rooted (well sort of) in psychology, such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, based loosely on Jungian ideas. Others rely on arguably less scientific data like stars and "rising signs." Humans aren't usually that simple.

That said, there's still value in understanding one's own personality and inclinations. Here's a confession: I've taken countless personality tests because I just couldn't figure out if I was an extrovert or an introvert. Neither description quite fit, and as someone constantly trying to understand what makes me tick, this has been frustrating.

Turns out, there are other options. The term "ambivert" got popularized in the 1930s (after being coined by Edmund S. Conklin in 1923), and it refers to a person "who has features of both an introvert (someone who prefers to spend time alone) and an extrovert (someone who prefers to be with other people) in their personality."

@tedtoks
Replying to @Factura🛄 now knowing what an ambivert is, how would you describe yourself? #ambivert #introvert #extrovert #adamgrant #psychology #TEDTalk #worklife

But for those who still don't quite relate, meet the otrovert. Just recently, psychiatrist Rami Kaminski published The Gift of Not Belonging, in which he discusses his coined term to describe a whole new type of personality. In an Insta-reel captioned "What is an Otrovert?" Kaminski mentions the polarization of introverts and extroverts. "When Jung invented the terms extrovert and introvert, he saw them as two fundamental orientations of the personality. I see the otrovert in the same way. A personality trait that faces away from the group."

He continues, "Extroverts and introverts are inherently communal, while the otrovert is an outsider to the group. In itself, it is not a problem or condition, nor is it a diagnostic label. It simply means that while most people learn to develop a sense of belonging to a specific group through social conditioning, otroverts remain social but not communal."

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In writer Sarjna Rai's piece, "Struggle to Fit the Mold? The 'Otrovert' Personality Explains Why" for Business Standard, they write: "Unlike introverts or extroverts, otroverts are not defined by where they draw their social energy. Instead, the concept captures people who constantly feel like outsiders, and tend to look in a different direction altogether, not necessarily aligned with the rest of the group."

While it's impossible to group people into perfect categories, Rai explains that Kaminski claims the main thing that sets otroverts apart is their "reluctance to conform to group norms."

Writer Avery White lists signs one might be an otrovert in the article "7 Signs You Might Be an Otrovert" for VegOut. Among them is preferring "high-signal conversations and low-maintenance relationships." They give this as an example: "You’ll happily spend three hours exploring one idea with one person—and then not speak for weeks without either of you taking it personally. In other words, low pressure, low expectations, high connection.

Another on the list—and this is a big one according to Kaminski—is: "You can look extroverted in public—yet feel fundamentally 'other.'" This is actually the crux of the term, and in fact, what Kaminski formed The Otherness Institute for: as their website says, "those who feel they don't belong."

The site also shares that recognizing aspects of this type in yourself and others (if it applies) will help "balance between your individuality and your function as part of the social matrix that determines your well-being. The experience of otherness in a togetherness-minded world can be emotionally bruising. Often misunderstood and misdiagnosed, otherness may lead individuals to feel strange, lonely, and unwelcome in groups. Left unidentified, otroverts' non-belonging can result in a frustrating, futile lifetime effort of trying to 'fit in.'"

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Some Redditors are scrambling to figure out if they fit into this category. In the subreddit r/INTP (referencing one of the Myers-Briggs personality types), the OP asks, "Maybe I am an 'otrovert?'" Under this, they write, "Dr. Kaminski described the otrovert child as 'neurotypical, friendly, curious, well-adjusted, and often popular' yet 'they resist being pressured into group activities.'"

While this can seem inconsequential in childhood, joining the peer group "becomes critically important" in adolescence, said the psychiatrist, and teens "start to gauge their self-worth based on the group’s ranking of popularity (or unpopularity).'

"Membership in a group, no matter how lowly, is better than being an outsider," he added. "Otroverts, however, are comfortable with being outsiders and find it impossible to feel like insiders, regardless of how welcome they are.'

There are a handful of commenters who feel seen, but many push back, claiming the term could easily apply to other personality traits. One writes, "I think it's easy to resonate with this description... but as some warning noted, there aren't enough studies done about this term that people should be running to adopt it. I resonated with it after reading about it... But I have ADHD and persistent depressive disorder... both of which coincide with the descriptions of an otrovert."

Time will tell if this new term sticks, but for now, it's helping a lot of people feel more understood.

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personality types

Joy

Communications expert shares how to confidently interrupt someone who won't stop talking

The key here is acknowledgement.

via Canva/Photos

A woman falls asleep during boring conversation.

People who talk too much are doubly rude because they put the person they're talking to in a terrible situation. First, they have to listen to them go on and on with little care for their feelings. Second, they make the person listening feel rude when they eventually have to tell them to be quiet or walk away from the conversation.

Whether it’s someone at a party who wants to tell you all about their trip to Switzerland or a coworker in a meeting who gives 45-minute answers to simple questions, everyone has to deal with a chatterbox from time to time. The good news is that Jessica Chen is here to show us how to confidently (and politely) interrupt someone who won’t stop talking and redirect the conversation.

Chen is a global communications expert, keynote speaker, former Emmy-award-winning TV journalist, and author of Smart, Not Loud: How to Get Noticed at Work for All the Right Reasons.

@jessicachenpage
How to speak over loud people #Communication #CareerTips #SoulcastMedia #CareerAdvice #Communications #PowerfulSpeaker #Conversation #CareerSuccess

“People who are extremely loud and dominant in a conversation, it's because they love the sound of their own voice, and they feel like what they have to say is so darn important,” she said in a TikTok video. “Doesn't mean that you sit back and you just kind of, like, let it be. You still gotta be top of mind. And it's finding that split-second moment to insert yourself in the conversation, but acknowledging what they said.”

Chen believes that if you pop in when they take a breath and acknowledge what they said, they won’t be upset when cut off, because they got what they needed from the interaction. In a recent CNBC article, she shared a script on how to interrupt a chatterbox and redirect them.

meeting, talking too much, women at meeting, high rise building, business clothes People in a business meeting.via Canva/Photos

How to stop someone who talks too much

“So say the person’s name firmly and politely. This combination showcases both confidence and presence without coming across as confrontational,” she wrote. “Next, reroute the conversation to what you want to talk about. Be strategic by showing that you’re collaborative and trying to expand on their thoughts. People love to feel like their ideas were acknowledged, and it also creates a seamless conversational flow.”

For example:

“John, your thoughts on how to address the billing situation remind me of a similar problem we had last year…”

“Alison, that’s wonderful. I never knew that about vacationing in Paris. Last year, I took a trip to the Bay Area…”

If you’re not sure how to address the chatterbox, you can use this generic transition: ″[Person’s name], can I jump in real quick here? I’d love to open up the conversation…”

bored woman, boring conversation, boring date, blonde woman, chatterbox A woman looking bored in a meeting.via Canva/Photos

Why do some people talk too much?

According to Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, LMFT, there are several reasons why some people talk excessively. It could merely be a personality trait if they are an extrovert or if they have high levels of anxiety and neuroticism. Additionally, individuals with high levels of disagreeableness may speak excessively to convey their point. Excessive talking can also be a symptom of autism, social anxiety disorder, or ADHD.

Ultimately, we shouldn’t feel bad about interrupting people who talk too much because they chose to be inconsiderate of your time and attention in the first place. Unless a mental disorder causes their excessive talking, then you shouldn’t feel bad about cutting off someone who is forcing you to be overly generous with your time and attention.

This article originally appeared in July

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communication

Education & Information

What enjoying solitude says about your personality (and it's not that you hate people)

Beyond just introversion or extroversion, a study explains why some people like their own company more than others.

Photo credit: Canva

Some people love being alone. Others try to avoid it.

I've always loved being alone. As a kid, I would happily spend hours alone immersed in my own imaginary worlds, and as an adult, I greatly enjoy my own company. Spending time by myself has always been a positive experience for me, and I crave it when I don't get to be alone for too long. Being alone never feels lonely to me.

But I also love people. I have lots of friends and a positive view of humanity in general. Loving people and loving solitude coexist in my psyche with zero conflict, and it's never made sense to me when people associate wanting to be alone with not liking being around people. I am a social creature who benefits from community, but I also enjoy solitude.

being alone, me time, solitude, introspection, awe There's a freedom in being alone.Photo credit: Canva

I'm not alone (pun intended) in this. When we asked our Upworthy audience to name something they enjoy that others don't understand, the most common answer was overwhelmingly "solitude." Some enjoy solitude, but others find being alone undesirable and something to avoid. Introversion and extroversion have long been used to explain the difference between people who crave solitude and people who don't, but one study offers a different explanation: the rarely-talked-about emotion of awe.

A study from Peking University found that people who experience awe tend to view solitude in a more positive light than those who don't. Participants, which included both Chinese and American subjects, were shown awe-inspiring photos or videos (like the Milky Way or other natural wonders) vs. neutral (such as an empty street) or amusing ones (funny animal videos). Other subjects were asked to imagine times they'd felt awe or happiness in the past. Then they were all asked to report on how alone or lonely they felt and how they felt about being alone.

being alone, me time, solitude, introspection, awe Being alone doesn't mean being lonely.Photo credit: Canva

In each case, people who had been prompted to experience awe tended to report feeling alone but not lonely. They also expressed a more positive view of solitude and feeling more drawn to being alone than to being around others.

So it appears that people who experience awe on a regular basis or who tap into that emotion more readily might just be the folks to naturally enjoy solitude. But what is it about awe that makes solitude more attractive?

The study authors point to the self-transcendent nature of awe negating the feeling of loneliness and giving rise to the freedom to contemplate "universal spiritual questions," writing:

"Awe typically arises when people encounter something physically or mentally vast (e.g., the universe or profound wisdom) and feel a need to change their mental structure to accommodate the experience. Awe experiences are self-transcendental, allowing people to transcend their current frames of reference and feel connected to a greater entity. As a self-transcendental emotion, awe may evoke feeling alone but not lonely, breaking the misconception that solitude leads to loneliness. In the presence of a grand entity, people can free themselves from their daily triviality and might feel only themselves speaking to the grand entity and therefore feel alone. However, this feeling alone does not come with loneliness, because self-transcendence provides a deep sense of connectedness—usually with an entity larger than people themselves, such as culture, humanity, or all of existence.

being alone, me time, solitude, introspection, awe Does enjoying solitude mean you're more in touch with your sense of awe?Photo credit: Canva

"In addition to helping differentiate solitude from loneliness, awe may foster positive attitudes toward solitude through self-transcendence. By transcending day-to-day concerns, awe may motivate people to reflect on the meaning of and find answers to universal spiritual questions as well as pursue their true selves. Solitude is an ideal state for contemplating profound questions because it frees people from social constraints and provides freedom to reflect. Thus, awe-evoked self-transcendence might make people appreciate time alone. Supporting this notion, elder people who experienced gerotranscendence (encompassing self-transcendence and cosmic transcendence) were content to spend time alone in quiet contemplation and reported less interest in supercial social interaction. Near-death transcendent experiences also increased appreciation of and need for solitude. In light of these findings, it is plausible that awe may lead people to find solitude enjoyable and be eager to spend time alone due to the rewarding aspects of self-transcendental states."

Essentially, awe helps us step outside of ourselves and connect with the larger reality of our existence. While sometimes those big questions can feel overwhelming or even scary to ponder alone, when we put ourselves in a state of awe, those reflections become more enjoyable.

being alone, me time, solitude, introspection, awe Some of us genuinely enjoy our own company.Photo credit: Canva

“By helping people connect with themselves and the grandness of existence, awe can help people view solitude more positively,” says study coauthor Yige Yin of Peking University. “In this way, it may also help prevent loneliness by encouraging people to enjoy their time alone.”

Like anything else, tapping into our sense of awe probably comes more naturally to some people than to others. But the study authors say that partaking in activities that inspire awe on a daily basis may help people enjoy time alone more and improve well-being.

“Solitude can be interesting and valuable,” Yin says. “When you can just enjoy a peaceful time alone to speak to yourself and connect yourself to the greater world, it can be as important as time spent with others. It might be worth embracing rather than avoiding.”

That's a pretty awesome conclusion, if you ask me.

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human nature

Culture

Can we please stop treating extroversion as the default and introversion as a defect?

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

As we all know, there's a wide range of personalities out there. Some of us have tons of friends and acquaintances and love to spend our free time socializing. Some of us have a cadre of companions, but prefer cuddling up on the couch with a cup of tea and our own company. Many of us find ourselves somewhere in between, enjoying spending time with other humans and also needing our alone time.

We've come up with labels for these different personalities—the social butterflies are extroverts, the social hermit crabs are introverts, and those who flip back and forth are ambiverts. Extroverts get their energy from being around other people. Introverts charge their batteries in solitude. Ambiverts need both.

There's nothing inherently wrong with any of these personality traits, of course. People are who they are. Where we run into trouble is when extroverts are portrayed as the default or ideal, and introverts are seen as defective.

This is what happens. All. The. Time.

Let's say your friends invite you to go out on Friday night, but you're wiped out from a week of people-ing. You don't want to disappoint anyone, but you'd honestly rather sit at home and watch a movie by yourself. You might be open to inviting one good friend who you know won't talk during the film, but that's it. Going out to socialize with a bunch of people—even people you know and love and enjoy spending time with—just sounds draining.

RELATED: 10 comics explain what it's really like to be an introvert.

That's a pretty standard introvert scenario, but it can cause consternation in extroverts who don't understand why going out isn't a stress release for everyone. Responses from "Is everything okay?" to "What's wrong with you?" get tossed at the person who feels fine but just needs some down time. No, I'm not depressed. No, I'm not mad at anyone. No, I don't hate people. I just need to be alone for a while to let my batteries recharge.

Part of the reason society automatically views introverted habits as problematic is because there is some overlap with habits of people experiencing depression or other mental health struggles. Isolating oneself can be a sign of something wrong, but that doesn't mean it automatically is.

And what's interesting is that we almost never see extroverted habits as signaling something wrong. Someone who goes out and socializes regularly is simply seen as fun and outgoing. Rarely do you see anyone say, "What's wrong with you that you don't want to be alone?" or "What feelings are you avoiding if you have to be around people all the time?" Our society values sociability and rewards extroverts—not only with opportunity (extroverts have a clear leg up when it comes to job interviews), but also with the emotional benefit of the doubt. Wanting to be around people is seen as healthy. Wanting to be alone is a seen as a warning sign.

— (@)

And then there's the emphasis—or overemphasis, perhaps—on talking in our society. Westerners value "speaking your mind" and the public sharing and debating of opinions has been a hallmark of Western civilization since ancient times. If you go out to any public place in the U.S., you'll see people talking—a lot.

People converse everywhere, of course, but a year of living in Japan showed me that being with other people doesn't automatically mean constant talking. In our culture, silence feels awkward and people feel the need to fill the empty space. In Japan, friends chat, but there's no weirdness in silence and no expectation of small talk with strangers or acquaintances.

Small is very much a part of American culture, but that doesn't mean it comes natural to all of us. For introverts, small talk is often painful, and can make us feel like we don't fit in within our own culture. But again, making small talk is valued as the norm and people who struggle with it are seen as defective. Nevermind that perfectly healthy people from other countries have to learn the art of American small talk, especially those who come from countries where it's not only uncommon, but inappropriate to chit chat about unimportant things.

RELATED: We Can't All Be Extroverts. Just Ask This Once Painfully Shy, Famous, Talented Introvert.

My introverted husband once took an Uber after a long day of working with people. He got a negative review from the driver, who simply wrote, "Not much of a conversationalist." This was a person my husband paid to drive him someplace—why the expectation of chattiness? I have no doubt that my husband was courteous—he's never not courteous—but he was quiet. And for wanting to sit in silence and think instead of shooting the breeze with a stranger he'd likely never see again, he was seen in a negative light.

Thankfully, awareness of the value introverts bring to society is slowly growing. There's no shortage of quippy memes and comics and tweets about #IntrovertLife. We have articles explaining how some habits of introverts can serve as healthy examples for everyone, as well as books like Susan Cain's "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." But we still have a ways to go in changing societal perceptions of extroverted vs. introverted tendencies.

Let's embrace the positive aspects of all personalities and honor what each individual brings to the table—even when that means a table for one.

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Family

What a guy with social anxiety wants you to know about inviting him to a party.

Here’s what helps (and what doesn’t) when going out.

Dear friends,

First of all, let me explain what it feels like to be me, a guy with social anxiety.

Picture a scene that fills you with gut-clenching dread. A dark alley at night maybe. The edge of a windy cliff with no railing. A deep ocean, too dark to see what’s beneath you.

Photo via iStock.

Think about how those scenes make you feel. That’s the same feeling I get in social situations.

Having social anxiety disorder means I experience intense, oppressive feelings of dread — sometimes even panic — just about every time we meet up with our friends or go out to a restaurant. It occasionally even happens when you come over, too.

None of that is your fault, obviously. There’s nothing rational about these feelings. I can take steps to fight the dread — and I’m fighting hard to do that, all the time, even when I’m exhausted — but in the moment of panic, I have no more direct control over my social anxiety than you have over your allergies.

Telling me "Everybody here loves you!" doesn’t get rid of my dread or panic any more than telling you "My cat loves you!" clears up your feline allergy. I wish it were that easy. Believe me, I do.

Having social anxiety isn't the same as being an introvert. It's also not the same as having low self-esteem or being shy or no fun.

Unlike social anxiety, introversion isn’t a clinical disorder; it’s a personality type. An introvert is a person who's "predominantly concerned with their own mental life." That doesn’t describe me. I care about you, and the rest of our friends, very deeply.

But I’m not an extrovert either. Neither of those terms fits me.

Photo via iStock.

For me, a fun night out with cool people is every bit as energizing as a good movie at home. It’s just much easier for me to put on a movie than it is to fight my social anxiety for hours until I finally relax enough to have fun.

You know me, so you know I’ve got a healthy sense of self-esteem.

I’m not shy at all when we’re alone together, talking for hours on end about our favorite songs and stories and characters. We’ve laughed so hard we couldn’t breathe. We’ve made up inside jokes that can’t be explained.

I can be the fun friend sometimes, too. Photo via iStock.

"Well, of course," you may be thinking, "I love all those things about you! Why can’t you bring that side of you along when we go out?"

Imagine if every time you wanted to go meet up with friends, you had to hike to the top of a mountain. No matter how much you loved your friends, you’d have to spend time and energy gearing yourself up for each trip — and you’d arrive exhausted. If you huffed and puffed your way to the top of the mountain only to find that everyone else had decided to meet atop a different mountain at the last minute … well, you’d be pretty annoyed, wouldn’t you?

This is basically what I go through every time I decide to go out socially.

My "night out" actually starts days in advance, when I first hear about the plans you’re making.

Right away, a mental alarm goes off: "DON’T GO," flashing in all caps. Once I’ve managed to deactivate that alarm, then the spiral of anxious thoughts kicks in — not just anxiety about what to wear, but over every possible outcome, every person who might potentially show up, every question or joke or come-on to which I might need to reply. Obviously this makes no logical sense.

I know. I keep repeating that to myself. I shout at myself: "This makes no logical sense! I’m fed up with this!"

By the time we go out, I’m waging all-out war against an army of vague and specific fears.

I'm battling uphill, taking heavy losses with every step toward the front door.

This is the feeling I get when I'm preparing to go out. Photo via iStock.

But at last, fighting furiously, I manage to gain the upper hand! I know where we’ll be going, who’s going to be there, which side(s) of myself I’m going to put on display, and which interesting things I can mention when the conversation converges on me. Every time the anxiety mounts a new attack, I’ve got an answer ready. I sit by the door, waiting for your text…

And I wait and wait and wait some more, continuing to fend off fresh waves of dread every 30 seconds or so, until you text an hour later to say we’ve ditched the old plans. Now we’re meeting up with some people we haven’t talked to in years, and instead of a quiet bar, we’re headed to the fairground for an outdoor food fair.

At the very least, I’ve got to lie down and regroup before I can fight my way to the top of a completely different mountain.

The thing is, I love having adventures with you! I love seeing new places. I love catching up with people I haven’t talked to in years.

It’s not like I sit at home and think, "How dare they change plans on me?" Exactly the opposite. I scroll through the photos you’re tweeting, and I think, "How dare I be such a burden? I’ve got no right to ask you to structure your plans around my anxiety." At least, I've been told all my life that I don’t have that right.

I definitely don’t want to be treated with kid gloves now that you know all this about me. I don’t want to make it weird next time we go out. That’s the absolute last thing I need: even more tension in my social relationships.

You know what would help me most of all? Two things: consistency and low pressure.

As long as I can assure my inner army of dread that I know where we’ll be going and what we’ll be doing and that I’m only going out for one drink and then I can leave — whether that turns out to be true or not — then I can usually keep the worst of my anxiety at bay, maybe so well that no one would even guess I have it.

This could be me; it's what I dream of. Photo via iStock.

That’s what I dream of more than anything else. Just to be able to leave the mental horror movies behind for a night and go out and have fun.

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One mom's story of how she learned to appreciate her extroverted son's constant stream of chatter.

One of my kids is an extrovert. Rather, he’s an extrovert’s extrovert.

He chats with the mailman, the neighbors over the fence, and his classmates at school.

Image via iStock.

From the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep, he’s got something to say, usually loudly. He’s also been known to talk in his sleep and while he should he asleep.

One morning, I got called into his room at 3 a.m. Naturally, I assumed that this summons meant that someone was either bleeding or throwing up. Instead he told me he could spell the word "idea" and wanted to know if I would like to hear him do so. (I did not.)

I, on the other hand, am an introvert.

I like books. I like my close friends. Loud, crowded places make me cranky. Running too many errands has a similar effect on me.

I’ve known that both Mr. Outgoing and I are temperamentally opposite since almost the moment we met. But I hadn’t realized that I needed to take that into account when I interacted with him until recently. Then I re-read "Raising Your Spirited Child," and I remembered that extroverts talk by talking. It’s how they sort through their thoughts and emotions.

Extroverts may ask questions with obvious answers.

It’s not because they want an answer but because they’re processing their thoughts aloud. The example the author gave was a classic "me and him" moment. She talked about how an extroverted child might ask things like: "Where’s my pen?" or "Where are the scissors?"

Image via iStock

Reading this was a lightbulb moment for me. Every day when it’s homework time, I’m asked, "Where are the pencils?" or "I can’t find the erasers." These things make me want to bang my head on the wall because the pencils are in the same place today that they were yesterday (and the day before that too!!!).

But now I realize that he’s not asking me to ask me. He’s just talking out loud.

The favor of my reply is neither expected nor wanted. Instead of responding in frustration, I can just zip it. By talking, he’s already figuring it out.

The difference between being an extrovert and an introvert is often described like a bag of marbles. An introvert starts the day with a bag full of marbles. As she goes about her day interacting with other people and situations, those marbles are taken out of the bag.

An extrovert starts the day with an empty bag. As he goes about his day, each time he interacts with someone or does some new activity, it adds a marble to his bag. Even though introverts and extroverts fill and deplete their bags differently, the goal is the same: a full bag of marbles at the end of the day.

Parenthood is all about discovery. Our children gives us a new lens through which to view the world and ourselves.

Image via iStock

Having a child who processes his thoughts out loud can be downright exhausting for this reflective thinker. But it also lets me experience life in an unexpected way. While I sometimes long for a little less chatter, I’m also grateful for a son who colors my world with his words.

What it looks like to live as an introvert, as told by an introvert.

A lot of people think being an introvert is limited to wanting to be alone.

But really, it's so much more.

This is why Maureen Wilson decided to illustrate some of the best parts of being an introvert. Introverts can be observant, and they can be good listeners. Some introverts enjoy being with people often while other introverts love being alone most of the time.

But it's estimated that about one-third to half of the U.S. population are introverts, so no two introverts are the same. Here are 10 things Wilson wants you to know about an introvert's life.

1. Introverts are more than quiet.

2. An introvert's guide to fashion may include conversation-proof clothing items and accessories.

3. They might also have a few T-shirts to add to the mix.

4. Introverts and extroverts actually share a few commonalities.

5. Their alone time often isn't lonely.

6. Their weekends might look a little bit less full, but that doesn't mean they aren't relaxing.

7. Home tends to be where the heart truly is for an introvert.

8. This Magic 8 Ball game truly captures being an introvert.

9. Sometimes, talking to non-humans can lead to easier conversations, too.

10. But what most introverts want you to know, above anything else, is that being at peace with themselves makes them the happiest of all.

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