12 subtle phrases that are dead giveaways of an insincere apology and how to respond to them

We're all human. We all screw up from time to time, and sometimes, unfortunately, our mistakes hurt people. That's why learning to take accountability for our actions and own up with a proper apology is an important skill for everyone to learn.

Sadly, not everyone is good at it. Or, rather, not every apology is created equal. Some people are bad at apologizing because they're embarrassed or ashamed, but others just can't muster up the sincerity to genuinely say, "I'm Sorry" — because they're not. It's important to be able to recognize when someone's not really apologetic and has no intention of changing their behavior any time soon, and it's crucial to learn how to respond in those situations.

Here are some classic signs of an insincere "non-apology" according to therapists and psychologists who deal with the fallout every day in their practices.

We all know the big hits like "I apologize if you were offended," or "I'm sorry, but..." or even the annoyed "OK, fine, I'm sorry, jeez!"

But Cheryl Groskopf, a dual-licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Professional Clinical Counselor, says the less obvious ones can actually be worse.

"The most dangerous non apologies aren’t always the obvious ones. They’re insidious: the ones that sound emotionally intelligent, but leave YOU feeling confused, blamed, or like you somehow became the one comforting them."

Sometimes it can be hard to tell when an apology isn't sincere. Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Here are the ones Groskopf says to watch out for.

“I wish you would’ve told me sooner.”

“That wasn’t my intention, but okay.”

“I totally thought you were fine with it.”

“Well, I’ve already been beating myself up over it.”

“It was a different time.”

"I don’t even remember saying that.”

She says the one thing all these phrases have in common is that they bypass the emotional impact the incident had on you and instead are designed to make the apologizer feel better quickly, either to absolve themselves or to make you feel sorry for them.

Celebrities are a gold-mine of both genuine and catastrophic apologies because they often have to give them so publicly. Here's Justin Timberlake apologizing for the infamous Super Bowl-Janet Jackson incident in 2004 by saying: "I apologize if you guys were offended."

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Dr. David Hawkins, clinical psychologist, says these are the ones he hears a lot:

“Sorry for whatever I did that upset you.”

“I’m sorry but you know how you get sometimes.”

“I said I was sorry, why can’t you just get over it?”

Hawkins adds that just because someone uses one of these non-sincere lines, it doesn't necessarily make them a malicious narcissist. In fact, he says, pretty much all of us have done it at one time or another, because that's how we were taught:

"Almost every one of us at one time growing up were forced by our parents, teacher, or another adult, to tell someone we were sorry when we weren’t sorry at all. And so what we learned was that simply saying 'sorry' whether sincere or not, was enough to let us off the hook and get on with our lives. It was more about going through the motions and checking the box than actually acknowledging the harm done and expressing remorse, which is what a genuine apology is about."

Several therapists say to beware of the self-centered, self-pitying "over-apology."

It sounds something like, "I'm the worst, you must hate me."

Or, "I can't do anything right, I just ruin everything."

This can be a manipulation tactic to gain your sympathy and flip the emotional script of the conversation. Or it can also be a sign of sincerity that's gone overboard as the person's shame and guilt spill over, says Tracy Vadakumchery, a licensed therapist in New York and New Jersey. Either way, it's not an effective way of saying Sorry because it redirects the focus onto the speaker and not the person who's really hurting. Vadakumchery adds that any apology that has you feeling like you need to reassure or comfort the other person is a classic non-apology.

(Here's a recent celebrity example of a sarcastic "over-apology")

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Keep an eye out for apologies that minimize the damage of that person's actions in any way:

"I'm sorry but it really wasn't that big of a deal."

"I didn't think you'd be upset."

These phrases put you in a defensive position of having to justify why you're upset, and they don't show accountability or sincerity.

And any apology that comes with an excuse is a big no-no:

If the apology includes the word "but," it's usually not sincere. However, any explanation, excuse, or justification for the behavior undermines the sincerity of the apology whether the word "but" is present or not. For example:

"I'm sorry, I was just really stressed."

Human beings can make bad decisions when we're stressed, tired, angry about something else, or feeling emotional. But if the goal is to repair and apologize for the pain you caused someone else, this is not the opportunity to make things all about you.

(Another good rule is that any apology that includes the words "It's not my fault!" is usually a red flag, just ask Ja Rule after he was forced to apologize for his involvement in the Fyre Festival disaster in 2017.)

No matter what words someone uses to apologize—even if they do it very well—there's one huge red flag that you can never ignore: A lack of change in behavior.

The words are ultimately meaningless if a person continues to hurt or offend you in the same way over and over.

So what should you do if you suspect someone's offering you a non-apology? You don't have to accept it, or say what we're all conditioned to say when someone says I'm Sorry: "It's OK."

How to respond depends on which flavor of non-apology you're getting. If you sense the person is genuinely sorry but allowing their own guilt to take over, therapists suggest something like:

“This feels more like you needing to feel better than us actually repairing something.”

“I don’t need you to spiral. I just need you to understand what hurt my feelings.”

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, and I want you to know how this made me feel and the impact it had on me..."

If the person refuses to take accountability or worse, blames you for their actions, try something more forceful:

“I’m not sure what you’re actually taking responsibility for. ”

"I'm having a hard time believing your apology when you say that. It doesn't come across to me as genuine"

“If you’re not ready to talk about what happened, I’d rather pause and try again when you are."