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How embracing the 'Empty Boat Theory' can help you keep anger and anxiety in check

The classic Taoist parable has found new life on TikTok, but its core message stays the same.

empty boat theory, taoism, buddhism, psychology, mindset, anger, anxiety, self help, mindfulness
Photo credit: Canva

Ancient wisdom for the modern day.

We all have moments where it feels like the world is against us. When we assume people are thinking negatively about us, we act accordingly by becoming angry or anxious. Once that mindset latches on, it can be tough to let go.

But one simple Taoist parable-turned-viral-TikTok-hack offers a gentle yet powerful reminder that we are not the main character in everyone’s story.

What is the “Empty Boat Theory”?

@sean.of.the.living The “empty boat” theory has me brain spinning lately. This is a brain hack to staying in a happier mindset. #advice #emptyboat #lifehack ♬ original sound - sean.of.the.living

Think of it as a thought experiment. Imagine yourself on a boat in the middle of a lake, as another boat drifts towards you, threatening to knock right into you. The closer this incoming vessel gets, the angrier you become.

Then, at the last second, you steer your boat out from the path of collision, only to notice that the other boat is empty. What this really puts into perspective, as TikToker @sean.of.the.living put it, is “There was never anybody to be angry with in the first place.”

“That’s life, isn’t it?” he said. “We assume everything’s about us. ‘They’re just doing that to screw me, to piss me off.’”

“Most of the time, nobody’s thinking about you.”

The Empty Boat Parable

@aliabdaal The Empty Boat: A Lesson in Letting Go A man gets furious when another boat crashes into him, shouting and ready to fight. But when the fog clears, he sees the boat is empty. No one was steering, no harm was intended. His anger disappears. Most frustrations in life are just empty boats. People are dealing with their own struggles, not trying to hurt you. Next time you feel anger rising, ask yourself – am I just reacting to an empty boat?
♬ original sound - Ali Abdaal

However, long before it was a viral brain hack on TikTok, this story taught how much self-inflicted suffering comes simply from the stories we tell ourselves about other people's attitudes towards us.

As the parable goes, a young monk (or simply a young man, depending on which version you read) hops onto a boat in hopes of finding a quiet spot to meditate. Suddenly, he is bumped by another boat. Furious, the monk opens his eyes and lashes out at the person responsible for disrupting his flow. There is, however, no one to blame. The boat is empty. Knowing there's now no one to be mad at, truly, the man's anger instantly dissipates.

The core message is that sometimes a bump is just a bump. We need not assume malicious intent, and would be better equipped to handle life’s collision with grace if we didn’t.

The Spotlight Effect

@drjulie What are your thoughts on this? Let’s chat in the comments! #learnontiktok #socialanxiety #confidence #anxiety #mentalhealth #anxietey ♬ Emotional Piano Instrumental In E Minor - Tom Bailey Backing Tracks

Bringing it into therapy-speak, the Empty Boat Theory/Parable also relates to the spotlight effect, which is the tendency to wrongly believe that others are mentally scrutinizing us when, in fact, they are likely not thinking about us at all.

This bias is a symptom of egocentrism. You don’t have to be a full-blown narcissist to be egocentric. We all, from time to time, consider ourselves to be the center of the universe in some way. It’s part of being an individual! But without mindfulness, we can let our egos overestimate how many eyes are actually on us at any given time, which only leads to a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

Whether you wanna call it a brain hack, ancient wisdom, or a psychological principle, we could all benefit from reminding ourselves to really pick our battles. Easier said than done in today’s world, but vital nonetheless. Here's to hoping that being aware of all the empty boats out there will lead to smoother sailing for everyone.

And if you're wondering just who’s to blame for letting that rogue boat out to wreak havoc on the water…? Well, that’s a different conversation.

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Parenting

Ask kids this basic question to instantly make them more cooperative — the answer doesn't matter

Just by asking and listening, you've already won.

via Hunter Johnson/Unsplash

This trick can fix any attitude.

Raising kids can be a frustrating experience, no matter how rewarding you also find it. Sometimes, it can feel like half of parenting is repeating yourself over and over again, asking your child to brush their teeth or take a dish from the living room to the sink. It’s exhausting and makes you feel like a nag. Don't you wish there was a simple way to make your kids listen the first time?

Dr. Rebecca Kennedy, aka “Dr. Becky,” is a clinical psychologist and founder and CEO of Good Inside who says she has a quick way to make your kids more cooperative and less rude. Talk about killing two soul-crushing birds with one parenting stone. Dr. Becky got into psychology after struggling with anorexia as a teenager.

“Okay, no matter how old your kid is, you can use this 15-second tip to decrease rudeness and increase cooperation,” she says in a TikTok video with over 32,000 views. “Find your child today and ask them this question. 'Hey, I was just wondering, what could I do better as your parent?'”

parents, children, child, parenting, trick, communication A mom and son talk on the couch.Canva Photos

The psychologist says that even if the child has a random or impractical answer such as “Let me stay up ‘til midnight” or “I’d like to eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner,” just to listen. Simply by listening, you can change your child’s behavior.

She says we should also ask more questions to further the conversation: “Tell me more. What would that be like?”

@drbeckyatgoodinside

Want to improve your relationship with your kid in less than 15 seconds? Watch this reel for a quick-win strategy. The best part: When we use strategies like this in calm moments, we reduce the frequency of difficult moments with our kids. Of course, I’m a realist… I know you need in-the-moment strategies too! Cue: My Conquering Problem Behaviors Workshop. You’ll get an entire toolbox of in-the-moment and outside-the-moment strategies for reducing outbursts and strengthening your bond with your kid. Learn more in the link in bio!

“I mean, imagine your boss coming to you randomly and asking how they could be a better manager to you. Just by asking the question and listening,” she continued. Dr. Becky says that asking our kids how we’re doing as parents communicates three essential ideas: “I care about you. I respect you. I'm invested in this relationship.”

This type of questioning builds a connection with a child that can spill over into other behaviors. “You're building connection. And with more connection always comes more cooperation,” she ends the video.

The big takeaway from the video is that when we enhance our connection with our kids, they will be less likely to disobey or be rude because they feel heard and respected, so there’s no need to act out. They will also return that respect by listening to you when you have a request, such as taking out the trash or putting down their phone and coming to dinner.

Some people in the comments got funny responses when they asked their kids what they could improve. “I asked my 5yr old. I got a mildly scathing look and she said ‘erm, maybe try and burn dinner less next time?’” one parent wrote. “My 5 yo told me to look better and get a haircut,” another added.

Dr. Becky’s quick question is a great way for parents to strengthen their relationships when things are going well instead of trying to forge connections during conflict. It’s a great reminder that even when parenting, an ounce of prevention is a pound of cure.

family, parents, kids, parenting, bonding A happy family.Canva Photos

Dr. Becky sums up the importance of prevention in her TikTok caption: “When we use strategies like this in calm moments, we reduce the frequency of difficult moments with our kids,” she wrote.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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You only have to know 4 personality 'colors' to converse easily with just about anyone

When you know someone's color, you know how to relate.

via Vinh Giang/YouTube

Which of the 4 personality colors are you?

Do you struggle to communicate effectively with certain personalities? Are you on a totally different page from your boss who intimidates you (RED)? You can’t get a word in with your nephew, who never takes himself seriously (YELLOW)? Your spouse is reliable but always asking for more details and wants to overplan everything (BLUE)? Or does your BFF never have an opinion on anything (GREEN)?

The good news is that if certain people are frustrating to talk to, you’re not alone. In fact, according to Swedish behavioral expert Thomas Erikson, author of Surrounded By Idiots: The Four Types of Human Behaviour (or, how to Understand Those Who Cannot Be Understood), we have a hard time communicating with most people because we all have one of four communication personality types, and they often clash.

It’s great when you are, say, a BLUE talking to a BLUE and you both appreciate having a logical back-and-forth filled with plenty of details. However, if you’re a YELLOW and they’re a RED, you may find the person you’re speaking to is impatient and they think you are exasperating.


Let’s take a look at the four color personalities. Everyone is a combination of different colors, but everyone has a core language that they speak:

RED: (Dominant) Decisive, competitive, goal-oriented, and assertive. Focused on action and results.

GREEN: (Stable) Empathetic, patient, calm. Focused on cooperation, relationships, and harmony.

BLUE: (Analytical) Precise, cautious, detail-oriented. Focused on accuracy, structure, and logic.

YELLOW: (Inspiring) Persuasive, sociable, enthusiastic. Focused on fun, recognition, and creativity.

Which of the 4 personality colors are you?

If, after reading the description, you’re not entirely sure which color you are, take this free quiz here.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Communications Expert Vinh Giang explained how to interact with the different colors on his YouTube page. "Now, I'm not telling you to change the essence of who you are,” Giang says. “I'm telling you that if you want to be a more effective communicator, you need to learn how to adjust your delivery and speak in their communication style so that you can connect better with them.”

Here’s how he explains talking to different colors (text has been edited for length and clarity):

RED:

Ensure you are direct, decisive, and confident, and use frameworks effectively when communicating. They love the frameworks because they will help you become clearer, concise, and coherent. They respect speed, clarity, and results. So, skip the fluff and focus on the outcome.

YELLOW:

Be enthusiastic, positive, and engaging. Don't say, "Let me give you a five-hour tutorial exactly on how to use this particular camera," instead of that, say, "Hey, just hit the record button. Have some fun. Go work it out as you go. You're going to love it." Why do this? Well, because they thrive on energy, ideas, and stories. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Keep it creative. Let them roam free.

GREEN:

Be calm, patient, and supportive. Don't say, "We need to make this change right now. Now, now, now, now, now." Say instead, "Hey, listen. I know this is a shift, but we'll move at a pace that feels comfortable for you, and I'm going to support you all the way through it." Greens value harmony and reliability. So, slow down, listen, and avoid pushing too hard too fast.

BLUE:

Be precise, structured, and factual. Don't say, "Don't worry about the details. Just trust me." Instead, say, "Here's all the data, and here's the step-by-step plan that I've created from the data, and I want to give it to you so you can do a quick double check if you want." Do you notice the subtle change there for the blue? They care about accuracy and process.

meeting, business, laptops, speech, looking at you People looking at you while you make a speech.via Canva/Photos

While some people may feel they are being inauthentic by changing their communication style based on other people’s core personality colors, Giang reminds us that the best communicators can tailor their message to their audience.

“Masterful communicators meet people where they are and make the connection effortless,” Giang says. “We often hear the phrase, ‘Be yourself.’ And yes, look, that is true to a certain extent. But if you want to truly connect with others, you also have to learn to be dynamic like water. You adapt to the shape of the vessel that you're poured into.”

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A 3-word method can help you make relaxed small talk that doesn't feel like an interview

Injecting some personality can make things a lot more fun.

via Canva/Photos

A man and woman chatting over some wine.

A lot of people are uncomfortable making small talk, but it’s an essential skill that can make or break your love life, career, and social experiences. Many people believe that being good at chatting with others is something innate, but those who excel at it work at their craft and pick up small tips along the way to become better communicators.

One of the tricks that all great communicators know is that you will be more likable when you're more interested than interesting. Study after study shows that people love talking about themselves, and if you ask people more questions, they will like you a lot more than if you did all the talking. So, how do we do this without creating a one-sided conversation where your conversation partner learns nothing about you? The folks at the Science of People have shared the statement-plus question technique.

The statement-plus technique

“One of the smoothest ways to keep conversation flowing is to share a brief personal statement followed by a question,” the Science of People writes. “This technique accomplishes two things: it gives the other person information about you (making you seem more approachable and interesting) while also redirecting focus to them.”

small talk, conversation, office party, people talking, wine Coworkers having a nice conversation.via Canva/Photos

Here are some examples:

Instead of asking “What do you do for work?” say:

“I’m a writer for Upworthy, and I enjoy seeing my work read by millions of people. What excites you about your job?”

Instead of asking, “Where do you live?” try:

“I live in Long Beach, California, and it’s really nice living by the ocean. What do you love the most about where you live?”

Instead of asking, “How do you know the person who threw the party?” say:

“I met Sarah at a church meeting seven years ago. Do you remember the first time you met her?”

These questions enable you to discuss yourself while maintaining the focus on the other person. They are also open-ended, so you don’t just get a one-word answer. You learn their job and what excites them about it. You know where they live, and they get to brag about what they like about the city. The technique also broadens the conversation because, according to the psychological phenomenon known as reciprocal self-disclosure, people are more likely to disclose things about themselves after you share something about yourself.

- YouTube youtu.be

What is reciprocal self-disclosure?

“The most likely result of your self-disclosure is that other people will do the same. In the field of communication, we refer to this as 'reciprocity.' When you share information about yourself, the most likely result is that people will start to disclose a similar type of information from their own lives," communication coach Alexander Lyon says. "In our presentations, we talk about this as a magic wand. Disclosure is the closest thing we have to a magic wand in terms of a concept in communication. When you disclose, other people almost automatically reciprocate."

Ultimately, people love to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity, they will like you more for it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reveal some aspects of yourself at the same time while keeping the focus on them. The statement-plus question technique allows you to reveal some things about yourself while making the other person feel seen and comfortable telling you more about themselves. It’s sure to elevate your small talk to something more substantial in a relaxed way that doesn’t feel like an interview.

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A coconut saved President John F. Kennedy's life during WWII, and the story is wild

JFK and 10 fellow Navy crew members were stranded on a deserted island in the South Pacific.

Images via Wikipedia/Reddit

During World War II, President John F. Kennedy served in the Navy when his boat sank in the South Pacific.

John F. Kennedy was sworn in as the 35th President of the United States on January 20, 1961. But before that, he served in the United States Navy during World War II—and almost didn't survive.

Kennedy joined the Navy in 1941. After years of training and never seeing active combat, he actively sought out the opportunity to do so—and in April 1943, he was transferred to a torpedo boat base at Tulagi Island in the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific.

He commanded a patrol torpedo boat called PT 109. On August 1, he was sent out on an overnight patrol to intercept Japanese warships when it collided with a Japanese defender. PT 109 was split in two and eventually sunk, killing two crew members. Miraculously, Kennedy and 10 of his crewman survived—in part due to the future president's heroics.

Kennedy, who injured his back, and his crewman were left to swim ashore to a small deserted island called Plum Pudding. A strong swimmer, Kennedy pulled one of the injured crewman to shore using his teeth that were gripping the strap of a lifejacket worn by the injured crewman for over three miles. The crew were in the water for 15 hours before making landfall.

However, once they arrived on land, they had no food or water. They subsisted on foraged coconuts and rainwater. Four days passed and all hope was lost after multiple attempts at seeking help, until Kennedy and his men were discovered by two indigenous men paddling in a canoe. Serendipitously, the men were working for the Allies. Their names were Biuku Gasa and Eroni Kumana.

To communicate that Kennedy and 10 crew members were still alive, he carved an inscription in the husk of a coconut for Gasa and Kumana to pass along to Allied forces. [Gasa and Kumana heroically risked their lives to do so as well.]

Kennedy inscribed the coconut with the message: "NAURO ISL…COMMANDER…NATIVE KNOWS POS'IT…HE CAN PILOT…11 ALIVE…NEED SMALL BOAT…KENNEDY."

jfk, john f kennedy, coconut, coconut inscription, coconut world war II John F. Kennedy coconut inscription.Image via Reddit

It worked. The message was delivered to a New Zealand camp run by Lt. A. Reginald Evans, who summoned Kennedy first to come to the post with the team of natives. And on August 8, Kennedy's crew was rescued—a strategic feat that was done in enemy waters.

The aftermath was major for Kennedy. He was awarded both the Navy and Marine Corps Medal, as well as the Purple Heart Medal for his valiant efforts to save the crew of PT 109. In an interview, Kennedy later shared that he became a hero because: "It was involuntary. They sank my boat."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Although they never met again in person, Kennedy maintained a relationship with both Gasa and Kumana, exchanging letters with them throughout his presidency. The deserted island he and his crew landed on was later renamed Kennedy Island.

To commemorate the story, Kennedy's father, Joseph P. Kennedy, had the coconut husk preserved in plastic. Kennedy kept the coconut husk on his desk in the Oval Office. Today, the coconut is on display at the John F Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum.

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Pets

If your cat keeps knocking things on the floor, the problem might actually be you

"Nice glass you got there. Be ashame if it...(shattering noise)...fell."

Photo credit: Canva

If your cat keeps knocking things over, you might actually be the problem

Cats can be jerks. Or, at least, they seem like they're being jerks because so much of their normal cat behavior can appear to be naughty or vindictive. Many aspects of cat behavior often leave feline owners scratching their heads while their cats are busy scratching their couches. But one thing that can both tickle and infuriate cat owners at the same time is their pet's inclination to knock things off of counters, tables, refrigerators, shelves, or anything that sits above the ground.

Sometimes owners are lucky, and whatever is being tested for gravity that day isn't breakable, but, more often than not, they're left carefully cleaning shards of glass. While it may seem that cats are tossing your aunt's vase to the floor just for the fun of it, there are actually very logical reasons for why they're displaying this behavior, and one of them could be you.

cats; cat behaviors; cats pushing things; cats knocking things over; kittens; pets Who, me? The cat's innocent gaze says it all.Photo credit: Canva

Why do cats love knocking things over?

People who don't own cats may think the solution is simple–stop leaving things on countertops. But in actuality, cats don't knock things over all the time. In fact, they can walk past the same object a million times, then suddenly decide to redecorate. Sometimes it's easy to spot when the urge strikes them because they'll slowly stick that fluffy paw out while looking at you across the room. The paw goes back down when they're told "No," only for them to swipe the very thing they weren't supposed to quickly.

While every cat owner may not understand their cat's behavior, there is still a reason for the things they do. According to PetMD, one of the reasons cats make things go splat is boredom. "Bored cats who have little stimulation in their environment may find ways to entertain themselves. And when kitties are left alone for hours with nothing to do and no one to interact with, your trinkets will end up on the floor."

cats; cat behaviors; cats pushing things; cats knocking things over; kittens; pets Curious cat explores the kitchen counter.Photo credit: Canva

How to get your cat to stop knocking things over?

Providing your cat with mental stimulation throughout the day can help alleviate boredom. There are mental puzzles that require your feline friend to find the hidden treats in different parts of a fairly large toy. This can create entertainment while you're out of the house, but there are also a plethora of cat toys that can be used for more interactive play.

Another reason a cat may toss your favorite figurine to the floor is instincts. Cat behavioral expert and consultant for Feline Minds, Mikel Delgado, tells Rover, "It’s common for cats to investigate their environment and to move things with their paws." He added, "Some items might even feel prey-like when touched with a paw, which may stimulate play or hunting behavior. Their paw [pads] are very sensitive, and touching objects is one way they can gather information about them.”

cats; cat behaviors; cats pushing things; cats knocking things over; kittens; pets A tender moment: woman gives her cat a loving kiss.Photo credit: Canva

Just like kids, cats are curious, which can lead them to push things over to see what happens. Maybe the lid will make a wobbly whirling sound as it finds its resting spot on the floor. Perhaps the blue cup makes a different sound than the clear glass. The only way to answer the maybes floating around in their little brains is to silently yell, "Timber!" and shove the object off of its resting place.

However, the primary reason for this behavior, which may be surprising to cat owners, is that they, the owners themselves, may indeed be the reason their cat sends their favorite things crashing to the ground. That's right, it could inadvertently be the cat owner's fault. The shoving behavior could be an attention-seeking tactic that has worked previously, so now, when your tabby is tired of you plugging away on your computer, they send something flying. After hearing something that sounds fragile hit the ceramic tile in the kitchen, you sprint to check to see what fell and find your cat swishing its tail and looking smug.

cats; cat behaviors; cats pushing things; cats knocking things over; kittens; pets Curious cat explores the kitchen counter.Photo credit: Canva

Delgado tells Rover, “If every time your cat tries to bat something off a table, you immediately look at them or run over, they can figure out that this is a great way to get your attention."

PetMD seconds this thought process, saying, "No one loves their cat spilling a water glass onto the floor. However, pet parents might unknowingly reinforce that behavior by talking to their cat or picking them up when they approach. Cats are quick learners; it doesn’t take long for them to figure out that when they begin pushing a glass closer to the table’s edge, their favorite people respond and give them attention."

If your favorite feline has a serious problem keeping their paws on the ground around your favorite things, you may want to put those delicate objects away. Only leave out the things that you don't mind taking a tumble or two. Delgado offers some other suggestions, including providing a more enriching environment by purchasing mentally stimulating cat toys, setting up a catio, and scheduling more playtime.

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