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Tina Plantamura

I am a perpetually grateful, hopeful yet cynical writer, mother, wife, seamstress, runner, and (closet) rap battler. I love stories of redemption, triumph, and forgiveness. I learned sewing from my Lola and writing from my heart. My unfailing perseverance comes from my Filipina mother, who inspires the novel I hope to publish by 2018.

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What one mom wants you to know about stressing less when your teen takes the wheel.

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As a mother to three boys, I was nervous about teaching them to take the wheel.

When my boys were small, I was obsessively careful and perpetually worried as they approached each developmental milestone. When they learned to walk, I watched carefully and tried not to let them fall. When they started school, I worried that they wouldn’t make friends right away. When they started playing sports, I spent a lot of time hoping they wouldn’t get hurt.

When they were little, it never occurred to me that we’d spend a better part of the teenage years teaching and worrying about each of them as they became new drivers.

But one after the other, they turned 16, got their permits, and looked to me to help teach them how to become responsible drivers.

My first baby is now a licensed driver!
A post shared by Tina Plantamura (@teenah_p) on Jun 3, 2014 at 5:37am PDT

Today, my oldest son is 20 years old and has been driving for three years. My middle son, 18, has been a licensed driver for almost 16 months. and in less than a year our “baby,” now 15, will have his driver’s permit.

And while I’m not through this process of teaching them all to drive just yet, the good news is that with each one, it got easier. Not only did they learn to drive safely, but I also learned some important lessons about how to make the process less stressful for both of us. I know that these lessons are bound to help me with my youngest when the time comes to teach him to drive too. They might even be helpful for other parents too.

My middle baby passed his road test. Here is a photo of him filling out the appropriate papers to get his license while his proud stepfather looks on and silently judges his handwriting... Congrats @kz_chuck for pulling it off and passing the road test on a shittastic rainy day. ❤️👍
A post shared by Tina Plantamura (@teenah_p) on Mar 14, 2016 at 3:06pm PDT

Here are five things I learned from the experience of teaching my kids to drive:

1. Don’t worry if it takes awhile.

In the beginning, it took my sons longer to have the confidence to do things that seasoned drivers don’t even think about. It took longer for them to accelerate to the appropriate speed or to make that left turn or parallel park.

It’s a lot like when they first started walking: each took their time and had different methods of keeping their balance. Behind the wheel, it’s the same. I now know that each child will have different apprehensions and challenges, and that time and patience (and practice on safe, quiet roads) will help a new driver build confidence.

Photo by Alejandro Salinas via iStock

2. Encourage more than discourage.

Positive reinforcement goes a long way with a new driver. Rather than constantly saying “watch out!” or audibly gasping while he’s behind the wheel and I’m in the passenger’s seat, I’m make a conscious effort to tell him what he was doing right. Telling him what he did wrong can be done in a constructive way too.

3. Let others guide them.

Friends, siblings, and cousins can be great resources. Talking about their experiences resonates in a certain way that a parental voice doesn’t. Young people often receive advice from peers and siblings better.

4. Remember that all of us were new drivers once.

Most of us managed just fine during those first few years while our parents cringed in the passenger’s seat or worried while watching through the window at home.

New drivers can become great drivers when parents and other mentors are caring and confident. When kids grow up and get ready to take the wheel, I now know I need to show them more confidence than fear.

In the same way I patiently waited for my sons to sound out words as they learned to read and ride their bikes without training wheels, I need to allow them to go at their own pace in getting comfortable behind the wheel.

The author's three sons.

5. Trust that they'll find their way ... with a little guidance.

Just like his brothers before him, I will remember that no matter how hard it is at first, my "baby" is going to learn to be good, responsible driver in no time. In a few years, all the worrying is going to be behind me, and I'm sure he'll be ready to drive me everywhere.

What started out as a volunteer opportunity turned into a fun and rewarding way to spend time together as a family.

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Have you ever thought about packing the whole family in the car for a road trip — while helping others along the way?

Andy and Sarah Ferguson did just that.

Andy wanted to put the family car to good use and find a way for Noah, age 8, and James, age 5, to help others. Citymeals on Wheels turned out to be a perfect fit for the whole family.

Not only did they discover a great organization where the boys could truly be helpful, but Andy and Sarah found several ways to teach their sons about compassion, patience, and kindness through bringing meals to elderly people who are homebound.

Image via Andy Ferguson, used with permission.

Noah and James help organize the meals as their parents reference the list of recipients on the delivery route. Then the whole family piles into the car and drives to the Bronx while the boys look for the street signs and building numbers that their parents read from the list. The boys take turns carrying the meals, pushing elevator buttons, or finding and ringing the right doorbells.

Some of the Citymeals on Wheels recipients have ailments, illnesses, or disabilities that make it difficult for them to leave their homes.

Many of them are delighted to see the children. Some have even said that receiving a meal from Noah and James is the best part of their weekend.

While Andy admits that knowing his sons can bring joy to someone who needs their help might be his favorite thing about volunteering, he knows that greater life lessons are being instilled in his children through volunteering for Citymeals.

Volunteering is a great way to get exposure to different perspectives.

While delivering meals, Noah and James get to see how people who are different from them live their lives.

The boys have had glimpses of many different homes and apartments, and they can see that some people are less fortunate. Some are less organized. Some keep immaculate homes. Some are very gracious and appreciative. Some are indifferent. Some need a lot of help. Some have a hard time making it to the door.

Andy and Sarah have had countless teachable moments while driving around the Bronx with their sons.

"They ask questions about the woman they just saw with an oxygen tank, and the man who answered the door in a wheelchair," says Andy. "It gives us an opportunity to show them that sometimes people need help, and we are able to be the ones who can help them."

While the boys have fun getting in and out of the car and peeking in the doors of different apartments, Andy hopes that when they're older, they'll remember the smiles on the faces of recipients and how easy it is to help someone else.

"I want them to learn to help whenever they can. If they see someone in need and they can offer a hand, that they'll be the types of people who'll just do it."

A family road trip can be an adventure, but for Andy, Sarah, Noah, and James, delivering for Citymeals makes for a road trip with a totally different kind of purpose and destination.

Instead of driving to a park, landmark, museum, or something for their own amusement on a Saturday afternoon, their car takes them to opportunities to experience more compassion, kindness, gratitude, and community. And that's well worth the trip.

How did my son learn about drugs, alcohol, STDs, birth control, and sex in school without emphasis on sexual assault?

My son met a girl this year, and they started dating. Now my "little boy" is someone’s boyfriend.

I feel like this relationship puts him in a slightly different light for me. He’s about to learn to trust someone in a new way and to care for her emotionally. She is someone’s little girl, and I want my son to treat her well.

Because of this, I decided that I wanted to talk to him about boundaries and consent. But then I got stuck.

I wasn’t sure how to approach this subject. It’s a tough one to just drop in his lap, but it’s important. When I thought about this, my mind flashed back to when he came home from school in the second grade and told me he learned about drugs and alcohol.

I remember my brief surprise: At 7 years old, my child is learning about the ways people abuse their bodies? I wondered if he was too young to understand.

Photo via iStock.

Then I remembered his 11th birthday party. One of his friends decided it would be fun to test my reaction by very casually mentioning that they were learning about STDs at school.

Then I thought of a day when he came home in seventh grade and told me about a special assembly. A man talked to the middle school students about his difficult journey through life. Until that day, he hadn’t ever thought deeply about suicide.

A few years later, as a sophomore in high school, my son proudly showed me his passing score on his driver’s ed test. He boasted about memorizing the penalties for the first, second, and third offenses of driving while intoxicated. He reminded me that he had been learning about the dangers of drunk driving for years in school.

Each of these new lessons, taught in school, pushed my child closer to "real" life, beyond the safety of youthful innocence.

Each time, I wondered if he was ready, but my concern quickly changed to gratitude when I realized that these lessons would open doors for us to talk about difficult subjects in the years to come.

I found relief in the fact that the school curriculum always seemed to be a few steps ahead of me. This could make it easier to talk about consent.

So I sat down and had the talk with him. I asked him who she was, what she was like.

I did my best to casually say: "Always keep this in mind: Never do anything with anyone who doesn’t want to do it as much as you."

Then, I asked him if he understood why this was so important. He raised an eyebrow and nodded. I tried (and failed) to be subtle when I told him that if he ever finds himself in a situation where he wants to do something physical and he’s not sure if she wants the same that he has to refrain, no matter how difficult it is. He has to protect her heart, and preserve his integrity, and make sure he doesn’t do anything without her consent.

He nodded his head and endured my impromptu lecture, and I said: "I know this is a little tough to hear from your mother. I’m sure they covered all of this in school."

But then he said no, he had not learned this in school.

He said it was obvious to him that he (or anyone) shouldn’t touch someone who doesn’t want to be touched, but he had never heard it said like this.

Photo via iStock.

As his mother, I was appalled.

How did my son learn about drugs, alcohol, STDs, birth control, and sex in school without emphasis on sexual assault?

As I talked to other parents with kids at other schools, I learned that this is common.

How is it that at school, he learned to recite the penalties for driving while intoxicated, sort through a list of illegal drugs and decipher which is a stimulant and which is a depressant, rattle off several forms of birth control, and name the symptoms of STDs I’ve never even heard of — but he has yet to hear anything about sexual violence or how to prevent it or the importance of enthusiastic consent?

My son knows that every 120 seconds, someone is injured by a drunk driver. He knows the dangers, preventative measures, and consequences of drunk driving thanks to the many years it was a major subject in health class.

He didn’t know (until I told him) that someone is sexually assaulted every 109 seconds. There is no curriculum that directly addresses the long-term effects, preventative measures, and consequences of sexual assault at his school.

As a mom of a teenage son, I can’t help but wonder: Why aren't we talking about this?

I don’t expect my son to grow up to be a drug addict or an alcoholic or a drunk driver.

I don’t expect him to contract all the STDs he can list.

And I sure as hell don’t expect him to become a rapist or the victim of one.

Photo via iStock.

But if 1 in 5 women experience sexual assault in their lifetime, how many perpetrators are out there?

How many were just as kind, conscientious, and mindful as my son and his friends when they were kids? This is a hard question but one I feel obligated to ask.

If we can reduce the risks of other dangerous behaviors through education and awareness, sexual assault should be part of the curriculum in every school.

I did quite a bit of research, hoping to find schools that taught more than just rape prevention focused on victim behavior, and I couldn’t find any programs. Not one. Kids are STILL being taught that prevention is mostly the responsibility of the potential victims.

Photo via iStock.

I want my teen son to know what sexual assault really means.

I want him to understand why rape is so damaging and traumatic.

I want him to know what to do if he or one of his friends is ever a victim.

And as difficult as it might be to state, I believe every young person should know the severity of the consequences of committing sexual assault.

If 1 in 5 women are survivors, that means that there are far too many perpetrators in the world. And prevention should not be the sole responsibility of the potential victim.

If we are teaching second graders not to do drugs, we can certainly teach teenagers about rape prevention, and the consequences of sexual assault.

These compliments have everything to do with who your kids are, not just what they've done.

I’ve always been proud of my children, just like any other parent.

When they were little, I was always praising them for good behavior and cooperation. When they started school and academics, music and sports became their main focus, and they made me proud in a number of ways with their achievements, hard work, and performance.

Photo via iStock.

But we all know that life isn’t just about what you do. The most precious moments are rarely related to merit or athletic prowess. Instead, character is built in the moments when we see a kid's integrity, compassion, and dignity grow and shine.

But whenever I look back, I realize that what makes me most proud of my kids has nothing to do with their most obvious and impressive accomplishments.

We have many report cards, team photos, trophies, and certificates of merit by which to remember all of those things.

Instead, I remember other things, like the first time they helped someone who was hurt or watching them make courageous choices. And I wish I’d been more specific about praising my kids for those things.

Photo via iStock.

Here are 21 things to compliment your kids about that involve their character, not their achievements:

The first time they help someone who is hurt.
Seeing them stand up for a sibling or friend.
The first time they buy a gift with their own money.
When a child is loving and kind to older relatives.
The first time they are buried in a book.
The first time they realize a song has touched their soul.
When they learn to appreciate art.
When they make the best of a bad day on their own.
The first time a child shows compassion and puts others first.
The first time a child shows mercy and gives someone another chance.
The first time your child genuinely roots for a weaker teammate.
Hearing them offer sincere advice to a sibling or friend.
The first time they take the time to teach a younger child.
When they realize how important friendships are.
The first time they find moral issue with something and take a stand against it.
Their first heartfelt attempt at asking for forgiveness.
The first time they wholeheartedly forgive.
The first time a child tries something new when the odds are against them.
When they know they’re marching to their own beat and they are proud of that.
Not just trying, but trying again and again.
The first time they accept rejection with grace and dignity.

These are the things you often can’t capture on paper or in photos.

When cameras are put away, when there are no grades to strive for, and when there are no coaches or teammates around, the most precious defining moments take place.

Photo via iStock.

I want my children to know that I care about these things — the people they are, not just the things they do.

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Meet Mr. Joffee, fourth-grade teacher and living proof that teachers change lives.

Writing about my fourth-grade teacher led me back to my childhood neighborhood for coffee with Mr. Joffee.

A few months ago, I shared a story on Upworthy about how my fourth-grade teacher changed my life.

He gifted me with a lifelong love of learning, and he was a patient and compassionate mentor during one of the most difficult times of my childhood.

After the story came out, I was surprised to see so many shares, comments, messages, and emails from people who knew my teacher personally.

Photo provided by Tina Plantamura, used with permission.

Monte Joffee is remembered by many of his students as a teacher who inspired them, no matter how long it’s been since they were in his class.

Many people posted about him, and many more encouraged me to reconnect with my teacher.

Those who had seen him or worked with him recently had wonderful things to say about what he’s done as an educator. Those who, like me, had him as a teacher when they were young shared their memories of his classroom and the unique way he inspired a love for learning.

To my surprise, the morning after the essay was published, I checked my messages and found a heartfelt note from Mr. Joffee himself.

He did remember me (I didn’t think he would!). He wrote to me while he was attending a conference about education for global citizenship. It was great to hear (as I suspected) that he was still very much involved in education. Others who knew him left comments on Facebook and told me about his accomplishments.

I asked Mr. Joffee if we could get together.

Since I left my old neighborhood in Queens, I have only come back to visit a few times. I suggested that he choose a location since I hadn’t been there in years, and he chose a coffee shop right around the corner from the apartment I grew up in. I remember going there a few times with my parents.

I can’t say that Mr. Joffee looked much like he did 31 years ago, but I’m sure he couldn’t say that about me either!

Since the last time I saw him, his career had extended well beyond being an elementary school teacher; his dedication to students and education grew exponentially since my last day at P.S. 69 in 1985.

While he was teaching, Mr. Joffee saw many issues in urban education that he knew he could do something to help solve. Eventually, he left the public school to cofound the Renaissance School (which later became the Renaissance Charter School) in 1993.

Mr. Joffee’s new school was right across the street from where we were sitting.

He invited me to take a tour, and it was exactly the type of school I would have imagined he could create. There were so many open spaces. There was so much emphasis on creativity. We carefully walked through and greeted the staff and students who were there for the summer programs, and every child stopped to say hello to us. Every child knew they were important and that they belonged.

Andrew Ronan, a former classmate of mine, might have said it best after reading my story. He was a teaching artist at Renaissance for a while, and he wrote to me: “On the first day I walked in I felt like I was back in my 4th grade classroom. There was so much positive and productive work going on, students and teachers were on a first name basis and learning together. Mr. Joffee had a profound influence on me and my classmates many years ago, it was amazing to see that impact magnified to an entire school.”

Of course, Mr. Joffee furthered his own education, too.

When he finished his studies at Teachers College at Columbia University, he became Dr. Joffee.

Meet Dr. Joffee! All photos used with Dr. Joffee's permission.

Gonzalo Obelleiro, Ph.D., told me: “Monte genuinely loves people. He consistently shows interest in individual persons, in the unique point of view they have to offer, regardless of whether they write Ph.D. after their name, the jargon they use, or the shoes they wear. As a younger scholar I often felt the pressure to have to prove my worth amongst colleagues, but Monte always treated me as an equal. Despite his superior knowledge and experience—or because of it, I am sure he would say—he is the perennial student, always excited to learn even from his own students and juniors.”

Dr. Joffee (who insists that I call him Monte from now on) is retired now, but his passion for education burns brighter than ever.

He is working on a national K-12 education reform proposal called "The Will to Achieve." Monte believes this proposal will revolutionize American education by re-welcoming parents, communities, supporters, and entrepreneurs into the education tent. It will enable students to become autodidactic learners.

"The Will to Achieve" will also rebuild the schoolhouse in communities where there has been an uneasy match between the people and the school.

When I asked Monte to estimate how many students he had inspired throughout his career, we were both surprised when the number added up to about 7,600.

What if even a third of those students went on to make the same type of impact he made? Do teachers know how many lives they touch and how many people they inspire to do just as they do? Do they know that the children in front of them will remember those compassionate moments and valuable life lessons when they become adults? Do they know that they aren’t just teaching — they are building character, sculpting hope, and helping to raise young men and women?

An African proverb says “it takes a village to raise a child.” Teachers like Monte prove that sometimes, the greatest inspiration can come from just one person in that village.

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5 things stepkids want stepparents everywhere to know.

This article originally appeared on 07.20.16

I'm somebody's stepchild.

My sons are my husband's stepsons. Needless to say, I've been around the block a couple of times when it comes to blended families.

Image via iStock.

To a stepchild, gaining a new parent can be curious, exciting, troublesome, or unsettling. A young child might reject the new stepparent or they might have high expectations that a new person would assume this role with ease. And combining two households into one can be challenging and stressful, but if it's done with care and consideration, it can also be beautiful.

I was curious though: What are the some things stepkids want their new family members to think about before the families merge? A few stepchildren, young and old, chimed in to answer my questions, and I've condensed their surprising and important answers below.

1. "Remember, I was here first."

Stepkids aren't saying you should bow to their every whim and make them first in every situation from now on, but before you were there, they were the center of their parent's attention. Now that you are around, so many things have changed for them. Let them have as much of the “same old" relationship they had with their parent as possible. Give them opportunities to still be in the spotlight when it comes to special routines and one-on-one time with their parent.

Image via iStock.

2. "Make me feel like you're glad that I'm around."

This might not always be an easy thing to do, and it might not be natural. As a stepparent, you might even have to pretend for awhile. Stepparents and stepkids have to get to know each other, and you might not know how to get to know your stepchild. Ask them (or their parent) about things they're interested in and try to find common ground. You might enjoy one another's company right away or it might take a very long time. But if you seem uncomfortable around them, they're going to be uncomfortable around you.

3. "Please do not speak harshly about the people I love."

If you have a lot of trouble with one of your stepchild's siblings, close friends, or relatives, please refrain from discussing this with or in front of your stepkid. If you have gripes about their parent, please understand that their loyalty to them will always be greater than their loyalty to you. And if you have bad things to say about their other parent, please realize that this will only cause more division between you.

4. "Please be patient with me."

Neither a stepparent or a stepchild knows how to do this “right." Stepkids might be uncertain, afraid, reluctant, or insecure about your presence for reasons that have nothing to do with you personally. Sometimes they won't respond or behave the way you think they should. Unless they're doing something highly inappropriate or dangerous, please give your stepkid space and time to adjust to your presence.

5. "Don't ask me to change too many things."

Your stepkid and their parent have been doing things a certain way for a long time before you came into their lives. You might see a lot of things that need improvement. Remember, though, things are about to change a lot for both you and them. Be careful not to pull the well worn, comfortable rug out from under them. You will both learn to live with each other if you are patient. Let the little things slide while you are still getting to know each other.

Image via iStock.

There will be bad days, good days, and in-between days for new families.

There will be many celebrations, many awkward moments, many victories, and many mistakes. Becoming a blended family isn't always easy — but it is a task worth taking on with empathy and compassion, and a little bit of humor too!

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One mom's heart-bursting letter to her sons about what saying 'I love you' really means.

As a child, I remember all the times my mother said “I love you” to me. She’d say it before she hung up the phone, every single time. She’d say it as I was walking out the door to head to school. She said it every time she dropped me off at a friend’s house, right before I stepped out of her car.

I used to feel embarrassed and a little annoyed because I didn’t understand what she was really saying. But now that I have children of my own, I know that she wasn’t just saying those three words over and over.

Me with my sons in 1999. Photo used with permission of the author.

When a mother says “I love you,” it means so many different things. So this is a letter to my sons about the many true meanings of my “I love you.”

Dear son: I need to tell you that I love you.

And I want you to know how complex and intricate and meaningful those three words are when they come from me. I have been saying them to you throughout your entire life, but I often wonder if you know exactly what I mean when I say them.

You, my child, are supposed to take my love for granted. You should know that I love you just as well as you know your own name. My love was your very first love, and it will last last your entire lifetime, even long after I’m gone. But in case you ever wonder, I want to tell you exactly what “I love you” means to me.

When I say I love you, it’s more than a natural feeling a mother has for her child.

It means I think of you all the time. All throughout my day, my thoughts of you are too many to count. When I think about you, it can be a simple hope that you are making the best of this current moment. If you’re at school, I often hope that you’re content, that you’re patient, that you’re learning or challenged or enjoying yourself.

When you’re home, I hope that home is serene, peaceful, and comfortable. If you’re out with friends, I hope that you’re fulfilled and happy. My love is much more than admiration. My love is more than pride for who you are and what you’ll become. My love is steadfast hope that never fades.

I love you also means you are the person for whom I would stop everything.

If you ever need me, even if I can’t (physically) be there for you instantly, in my heart, I’m by your side. I’m holding your hand. I’m holding you up. I’m holding you close. I’m guiding you forward. I am there for whatever you need. No matter where you are, I am with you. No matter what, you can always call on me. So when you run out the door and you hear me say, “goodbye, I love you!” remember, this is what it means.

Because I am your mother, my love is part of your foundation.

It helped you grow into who you are today. But I know it’s not enough. I hope you know your priceless worth, yet you are humble and graceful. I hope my love has helped your heart become strong, yet vulnerable and open. I hope all your efforts are brave, but careful. I hope your heart is generous, but discerning. You must believe that you are enough to make this world a little bit better. When I tell you I love you, I’m also reminding you to believe in yourself and to love who you are.

When I do special things for you, it’s not to hear you say “thanks” or to watch for your appreciation. It’s another way to say I love you.

When I prepare your breakfast before you wake up, it’s because I want your morning to be a little easier. Your carefully crafted birthday cakes are a way for me to say, “I love you so much that my time, energy and creativity are for no one else but you today.”

Every stitch of every Halloween costume was from my heart to yours so you could be whatever your imagination desired. When you wonder why I ironed your shirt when you didn’t ask me to or why I made your favorite meal two nights in a row or why I made sure you could find your gloves and hat on a cold winter day, it’s only because I want to give you little bits of comfort and joy, even if you barely notice them.

My love for you won’t erase your mistakes.

It won’t always catch you when you fall. It won’t spare you from heartbreak or failure.

But my love for you is why I always want what’s best for you. And while what’s best might not always be what’s easiest, you can be sure that I will always have space to encourage, champion, or comfort you.

It doesn’t matter how far away you are or how old we both become. It doesn’t matter how many years go by or how many children of your own you have someday. You will always be the fire in my heart, the greatest joy in my memories, and the reason I sometimes stay awake and worry. I will love you on your happiest days, I will love you through your lowest points, I will love you when you break my heart. This love of mine will take on a thousand different forms, yet it will never change.

As you grow older, you might forget some of the little things I used to do. But I hope you’ll always know how much it means when I say I love you.

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