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Tina Plantamura

I am a perpetually grateful, hopeful yet cynical writer, mother, wife, seamstress, runner, and (closet) rap battler. I love stories of redemption, triumph, and forgiveness. I learned sewing from my Lola and writing from my heart. My unfailing perseverance comes from my Filipina mother, who inspires the novel I hope to publish by 2018.

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A letter to my mother-in-law who spoiled my sons

"It's pointless to dwell on regrets, but I often think about how I had it all wrong. I was so wrong in how I perceived your generosity."

Tina Platamura

This article originally appeared on 04.14.16

You always stole my thunder. You gave them everything they wanted. You never said no when they asked for anything.

Tina Platamura

A second helping of dessert. Candy before dinner. A few more minutes in the bath. Money for the ice cream truck.

I struggled to show you respect and appreciation while trying to make sure you didn't spoil my children. I thought you would turn them into “selfish brats" by giving them everything they wanted. I thought they might never learn to wait, to take turns, to share, because you granted their wishes as soon as they opened their mouths and pointed.

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What started out as a volunteer opportunity turned into a fun and rewarding way to spend time together as a family.

True

Have you ever thought about packing the whole family in the car for a road trip — while helping others along the way?

Andy and Sarah Ferguson did just that.

Andy wanted to put the family car to good use and find a way for Noah, age 8, and James, age 5, to help others. Citymeals on Wheels turned out to be a perfect fit for the whole family.

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How did my son learn about drugs, alcohol, STDs, birth control, and sex in school without emphasis on sexual assault?

My son met a girl this year, and they started dating. Now my "little boy" is someone’s boyfriend.

I feel like this relationship puts him in a slightly different light for me. He’s about to learn to trust someone in a new way and to care for her emotionally. She is someone’s little girl, and I want my son to treat her well.

Because of this, I decided that I wanted to talk to him about boundaries and consent. But then I got stuck.

I wasn’t sure how to approach this subject. It’s a tough one to just drop in his lap, but it’s important. When I thought about this, my mind flashed back to when he came home from school in the second grade and told me he learned about drugs and alcohol.

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These compliments have everything to do with who your kids are, not just what they've done.

I’ve always been proud of my children, just like any other parent.

When they were little, I was always praising them for good behavior and cooperation. When they started school and academics, music and sports became their main focus, and they made me proud in a number of ways with their achievements, hard work, and performance.

Photo via iStock.

But we all know that life isn’t just about what you do. The most precious moments are rarely related to merit or athletic prowess. Instead, character is built in the moments when we see a kid's integrity, compassion, and dignity grow and shine.

But whenever I look back, I realize that what makes me most proud of my kids has nothing to do with their most obvious and impressive accomplishments.

We have many report cards, team photos, trophies, and certificates of merit by which to remember all of those things.

Instead, I remember other things, like the first time they helped someone who was hurt or watching them make courageous choices. And I wish I’d been more specific about praising my kids for those things.

Photo via iStock.

Here are 21 things to compliment your kids about that involve their character, not their achievements:

The first time they help someone who is hurt.
Seeing them stand up for a sibling or friend.
The first time they buy a gift with their own money.
When a child is loving and kind to older relatives.
The first time they are buried in a book.
The first time they realize a song has touched their soul.
When they learn to appreciate art.
When they make the best of a bad day on their own.
The first time a child shows compassion and puts others first.
The first time a child shows mercy and gives someone another chance.
The first time your child genuinely roots for a weaker teammate.
Hearing them offer sincere advice to a sibling or friend.
The first time they take the time to teach a younger child.
When they realize how important friendships are.
The first time they find moral issue with something and take a stand against it.
Their first heartfelt attempt at asking for forgiveness.
The first time they wholeheartedly forgive.
The first time a child tries something new when the odds are against them.
When they know they’re marching to their own beat and they are proud of that.
Not just trying, but trying again and again.
The first time they accept rejection with grace and dignity.

These are the things you often can’t capture on paper or in photos.

When cameras are put away, when there are no grades to strive for, and when there are no coaches or teammates around, the most precious defining moments take place.

Photo via iStock.

I want my children to know that I care about these things — the people they are, not just the things they do.

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Tina Plantamura

"It's pointless to dwell on regrets, but I often think about how I had it all wrong. I was so wrong in how I perceived your generosity."

You always stole my thunder. You gave them everything they wanted. You never said no when they asked for anything.

Until you were gone.

My kids, now in their teens, miss you dearly. And they don't miss your gifts or your money. They miss you.

The more I long for you to come back, though, the more I realize that in a way, you never left.

As a mother to three boys, I was nervous about teaching them to take the wheel.

Here are five things I learned from the experience of teaching my kids to drive:

1. Don’t worry if it takes awhile.

2. Encourage more than discourage.

3. Let others guide them.

4. Remember that all of us were new drivers once.

5. Trust that they'll find their way ... with a little guidance.

What started out as a volunteer opportunity turned into a fun and rewarding way to spend time together as a family.

Have you ever thought about packing the whole family in the car for a road trip — while helping others along the way?

Some of the Citymeals on Wheels recipients have ailments, illnesses, or disabilities that make it difficult for them to leave their homes.

Volunteering is a great way to get exposure to different perspectives.

While the boys have fun getting in and out of the car and peeking in the doors of different apartments, Andy hopes that when they're older, they'll remember the smiles on the faces of recipients and how easy it is to help someone else.

How did my son learn about drugs, alcohol, STDs, birth control, and sex in school without emphasis on sexual assault?

My son met a girl this year, and they started dating. Now my "little boy" is someone’s boyfriend.

Because of this, I decided that I wanted to talk to him about boundaries and consent. But then I got stuck.

Each of these new lessons, taught in school, pushed my child closer to "real" life, beyond the safety of youthful innocence.

So I sat down and had the talk with him. I asked him who she was, what she was like.

How did my son learn about drugs, alcohol, STDs, birth control, and sex in school without emphasis on sexual assault?

As a mom of a teenage son, I can’t help but wonder: Why aren't we talking about this?

But if 1 in 5 women experience sexual assault in their lifetime, how many perpetrators are out there?

I want my teen son to know what sexual assault really means.

If we are teaching second graders not to do drugs, we can certainly teach teenagers about rape prevention, and the consequences of sexual assault.

These compliments have everything to do with who your kids are, not just what they've done.

I’ve always been proud of my children, just like any other parent.

But whenever I look back, I realize that what makes me most proud of my kids has nothing to do with their most obvious and impressive accomplishments.

Here are 21 things to compliment your kids about that involve their character, not their achievements:

These are the things you often can’t capture on paper or in photos.

Writing about my fourth-grade teacher led me back to my childhood neighborhood for coffee with Mr. Joffee.

A few months ago, I shared a story on Upworthy about how my fourth-grade teacher changed my life.

Monte Joffee is remembered by many of his students as a teacher who inspired them, no matter how long it’s been since they were in his class.

To my surprise, the morning after the essay was published, I checked my messages and found a heartfelt note from Mr. Joffee himself.

I asked Mr. Joffee if we could get together.

Mr. Joffee’s new school was right across the street from where we were sitting.

Of course, Mr. Joffee furthered his own education, too.

Dr. Joffee (who insists that I call him Monte from now on) is retired now, but his passion for education burns brighter than ever.

When I asked Monte to estimate how many students he had inspired throughout his career, we were both surprised when the number added up to about 7,600.

I'm somebody's stepchild.

1. "Remember, I was here first."

2. "Make me feel like you're glad that I'm around."

3. "Please do not speak harshly about the people I love."

4. "Please be patient with me."

5. "Don't ask me to change too many things."

There will be bad days, good days, and in-between days for new families.