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Mary Kozelka

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Being rich, famous, and at the top of your field is awesome. But it doesn’t absolve anyone from self-doubt and anxiety.

Just ask Samantha Ponder. At 31, she’s been a successful sideline reporter and "College GameDay" host, and she's a mom to two beautiful kids. Most recently in 2017, she became the first female host of ESPN’s "Sunday NFL Countdown," shattering the concept that women can’t talk sports from the desk.

Picture day at my new school. 👍🏼

A post shared by Sam Ponder (@samanthaponder) on Jul 31, 2017 at 6:42pm PDT

Despite a decade of hard-earned experience under her belt, she still felt insecure at times. “Every job I’ve had I’ve wondered, 'holy crap, I don’t know if I’m good enough,'” she says.

Like many of us, she struggled to define her self-worth at work. She often passed salary and contract negotiations off to an agent. Early in her career, Ponder found it difficult to manage criticism and negativity from social media trolls.

"I used to call my dad to ask what I was doing wrong," she recalls. "He usually responded with 'consider the source.'"

But even with a great support network, it's difficult not to let that type of criticism affect your self-image. It wasn't until she gave birth to her daughter that Ponder gained new perspective.

My favorite time of day. "Mama les snuggle an watch basitball." ❤🏀

A post shared by Sam Ponder (@samanthaponder) on Mar 18, 2017 at 7:20pm PDT

Ponder started thinking about what she would advise her daughter to do. Then she started to act on it herself.

Instead of handing difficult conversations off to her agent, she took her seat at the table.

"Talking about money makes me so uncomfortable, but this time around, I was much more involved," she says, referring to the contract negotiations for her new job at ESPN. She fought the doubting voice inside her saying, “What if they don’t want me? What if they say you should just be glad we gave you a job.” And replaced it with "What would I tell my daughter to do?"

It's this philosophy that's carried Ponder to the top of her field and in proving her worth — to herself and others. In reflecting on her career so far, Ponder highlights three key truths that continue to motivate her.

1. Don’t bluff.

Women frequently undervalue themselves in the workplace, which can lead to lower pay and ultimately less upward mobility into executive roles. Ponder says success in negotiating requires balance: be confident and honest in estimating your worth. Having specific examples and honest reasons to back it up not only strengthens your case but also allows you to be OK (truly OK) with walking away if your employer decides not to negotiate.

2. Maintain an identity separate from your job.

It’s easy to let the power dynamics of a job negotiation cloud your vision of yourself. "If you need the offer to feel happy, then they control you," she says.

If the job means everything to you, you no longer have negotiating power. No job is more important that your happiness. Whether it's family, friends, faith, a hobby, or a side hustle, it's important to find ways to maintain your happiness outside of work.

Never a dull moment with this chick. Today she told me she needed a purse because she had a business meeting 😏

A post shared by Sam Ponder (@samanthaponder) on Mar 6, 2017 at 7:25pm PST

3. Know your boundaries.

"At the end of the day, everybody’s got to feed their family," Ponder says. Know your boundaries and what walking away means for you, she advises.

It’s all part of an effort to change her own learned behaviors now so that when her daughter’s generation confronts the same issues, it’s less uncomfortable. Whether it’s salary negotiations, setting an example for your child, or simply finding peace in a new position, Ponder reiterates the importance of cutting yourself some slack.

“I think can we all just admit that we’re insecure. All of us,” she said.

Knowing this, and owning it, allows you to take the pressure off and get down to real business.

For more from our I’ll Just Say it series, read on here.

Family

When it comes to discussing pelvic health with your daughter, the sooner the better.

Don't wait till puberty.

For young girls and teenagers, talking about periods, sex, and pelvic health can be ... awkward.

Unfortunately, as a society, we seem to ignore the pelvic region until puberty. According to Missy Lavender, founder of To Know Is to Know — a nonprofit that will educate girls and their grownups about all things pelvic — and author of the book "Below Your Belt," it's a scary trend.

"From a pretty young age, we were completely ignorant and passive-aggressive about our pelvises," Lavender says. "We kind of shove them aside to that icky place we only look at once a month."

But halting conversation about the pelvic region — the area of the body that houses reproductive organs and essential digestive organs — can cause serious health problems for young girls.

Our hush-hush culture around female pelvic health has created generations of girls and women with chronic pelvic disorders.

All images via iStock.

According to a number of studies, around one-third of U.S. women have a pelvic floor disorder, and research from Lavender's foundation shows that at a young age, many girls are already symptomatic with preventable issues that can follow them into adulthood if not addressed.

The lack of knowledge also leaves women ill-prepared for common life events related to the pelvis, such as the start of menstruation, sexual activity and sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy, and childbirth, according to a study published in the Journal of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology.

To prevent these problems, Dr. Deepa Camenga, assistant professor and pediatrician at the Yale School of Medicine, says we need to talk openly about the pelvic region with our daughters at an early age.

"When we drop our kids off for camp, we remind them of healthy habits like 'Be sure to put on sunscreen before and after the pool' and 'Wash your hands,' but we rarely remind our kids to go to the bathroom," Camenga says. "Holding it" for too long, she says, may increase the chance of developing pelvic muscle disorders, incontinence/bladder leaking, and urinary tract infections in the future.

This advice might sound silly or obvious to an adult ear, but the truth is pelvic and toilet health is learned.

It's up to parents and educators to teach girls what's going on with their bodies. It's a matter of their health.

Here are a few do's and don'ts on talking pelvic health with your daughter:

Do your homework. Some of us adults don't have the full story on our pelvises either. Consult with your child's pediatrician for helpful reminders and tips. There are resources (including "Below Your Belt") available to help address the whole picture of what's going on "down there."
Do engage early and take advantage of youthful curiosity. The earlier you can begin the conversation, the less likely the topic will already be stigmatized for your child. Any time they hint at a question about their pelvic region, engage. Smaller questions are sometimes the gateway to larger issues. Camenga says if your child is younger, feed into their curiosity about toilet behavior. "They'll be asking all sorts of questions about their bodies, so when questions come up about down there, address it head-on."
Do make the conversation natural and easy. If you show it's not weird for you (even if it is), it'll help them relax and speak freely on the topic. "Answering questions in a matter-of-fact way helps de-stigmatize the conversation as well," Carmenga says. "When your kids perceive it as part of the everyday conversation and not as special and secretive, they're more likely to be open."
Don't frame it as "The Talk." Pelvic health isn't focused on the birds and the bees. Camenga says treating this as "The Talk" can create a feeling that pelvic health should be secretive and only discussed in certain environments.
Do include pelvic health in your list of healthy reminders. Things like wiping front to back, not "holding it," and reminders that using the bathroom is a healthy act can go a long way.
Do connect in ways that make sense to them. There are plenty of apps, games, and books available to engage kids in different ways. Lavender has raised funds to create an app called Below Your Belt to accompany her book.
Do keep in mind that health education classes don't cover everything. Many health classes don't even begin until pubescent ages for most students, so the importance of regular bathroom use and encouraging discussion when something — good or bad — is happening below the belt aren't being reinforced in the classroom. Studies have confirmed that "while school-based health education has been found to be effective in increasing knowledge of sexual function and behaviors, current efforts lack a comprehensive approach to understanding the pelvic area of the female body and the interrelatedness of the organs and muscle functions."

Even if it feels awkward, an open dialogue with your daughter about her pelvis is essential to her health.

Teaching good habits and building a foundation of openness at a young age will help your daughter stay healthy and keep lines of communication open through the thorniness of puberty.

So talk it out. It could make for more happy, healthy young women in the world.

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Family

13 tips for starting off the summer clutter-free.

True

The school year is ending, and that means kids are coming home from college.

They're also bringing piles and piles of stuff with them. (So, so much stuff.) Used books, loads of clothes, and knickknacks galore.

And don't think you're off the hook if you don't have college-age kids. As the K-12 school year also winds down, you've probably got a whole lot of not-gonna-be-used-anymore items cluttering up the house, from old school clothes to forgotten toys to sports gear that needs upgrading.

According to the Council for Textile Recycling, Americans purchase or obtain 80 billion pieces of new clothing each year. Often, after one wear or one use, we're done with it. We toss it, and that stuff ends up in a landfill. Not only is this cycle of waste bad for the environment, but it's also a missed opportunity to model fiscal and social responsibility. ‌‌

But summer also gives us a unique opportunity: When the kids are home, it's the perfect time to shed excess stuff.

All images via iStock.

Collect unwanted items and give them a beautiful second (or even third!) life by donating them to a nonprofit organization at your local Savers or Value Village location. From your college kid's dorm room furniture to your growing middle-schooler's barely worn basketball shoes, all of these things can be donated to help a charitable nonprofit organization in your community. Plus, you're helping the environment too. According to the Savers State of Reuse Report, 71% of North Americans say a key benefit to donating unwanted items is knowing that others could be positively impacted.

And if you don't know where to start, here are 13 ways to start the summer with a clean slate:

1. Get your kids on board‌‌.

Don't sort through all this stuff behind their backs! It's better to donate together so that your kids can decide what items can go to someone else who could need them more.

2. Give one, get one.

Giving away old things also makes space for the new things you want or need. So while you're donating all your old stuff, why not also make a list of the things you need and pick it up at Savers or Value Village while you're there. Plus, if the kids know that donating stuff means they also get the new things they want, there's an extra incentive to take part in the process.

3. Arm yourself with the answer to "Why?"

"Just because" is never a good answer when it comes to convincing your kids to do something. Frame the cleanout as a learning opportunity and let them know that this exercise in decluttering will not only lead to a cleaner and more organized living space, but it's going to have a positive effect on your immediate community and the environment.

The average North American threw away 81 pounds of clothing last year, and it can take about 700 gallons of water to manufacture one cotton T-shirt. That's a lot of resources that are being thrown away!

4. Raid your cabinets.

Calling all board games, athletic equipment, and homeware: Savers accepts more than just clothing on behalf of nonprofit organizations.

‌‌5. Tackle the toy chest.

Aka the hiding place for the hottest toy from last Christmas and all sorts of other stuffed animals, action figures, dolls, and other toys. Open up that chest and help your kids assess what to donate and what just needs new batteries.

6. Donate your college kid's books (especially if they can't be resold at the bookstore).

And not just textbooks either. Paperbacks — including that young adult series they read last year — can be donated too.

7. Take the "joy test.‌‌"

Organizing expert Marie Kondo gained massive notoriety for heralding this technique in her book, "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up." Hold up each item and ask your kids (and yourself) to be honest: Does it bring you joy? If not, donate.

8. If items belong together, donate 'em together. ‌‌

Have a bunch of plates with the same pattern? Don't hang on to a few "just in case." Donate the whole set!

9. Donate the "unique" stuff too.

Just because you don't like it anymore or it seems outdated doesn't mean it won't be a new staple for someone else. Thrifters are often on the hunt for some unusual items.

10. Not everyone is going digital, so comb through your DVD or old vinyl record collections.‌‌

Chances are that your college student no longer watches the Disney classics on DVD, and how often do you really listen to all those old records in your garage? Donate your collections and make shelf space for books and entertainment you actually still enjoy.

11. Take this opportunity to tackle the garage clutter.

Old tools, unused exercise equipment, and forgotten record players make excellent donations — just be sure to test them to see that they still work prior to donation.‌‌

12. Don't forget the dorm room décor.

If your college senior just graduated and has a dorm room full of picture frames and lamps that aren’t a fit for the house, donate it.

13. Don't be afraid to start small — just keep it up.

Baby steps help the planet too. By showing your kids the importance of donating instead of tossing stuff away, you can reduce your own clothing footprint and help decrease the demand for new products and the natural resources that go into making them.

Donating to a nonprofit organization or shopping at your local thrift store may have even more far-reaching benefits than you imagined.

Any type of reuse has a positive impact on the planet, and by shopping at stores such as Savers you can help keep millions of items out of landfills every year. Savers purchases the majority of its inventory from a variety of exceptional nonprofits — creating a much-needed revenue stream for these organizations that do critical work.

Not only does your donation keep your goods out of the waste stream, it helps support these partnerships. Between the environmental and social benefits, the upside of donating things you no longer need is endless.

It was almost the last day of Grace's life, but it became the best day.

Trigger warning: discussion of suicidal thoughts.

Grace Kim knows what it's like to want to commit suicide — and what it's like to decide to keep on living.

Grace (who identifies as gender questioning and uses they/them pronouns) knew they were gay at 4 years old but, growing up in a conservative religious family, told no one. "I was so scared of letting my secret out that I stopped talking," Grace explains of the 20 years they spent selectively mute. "I was completely suicidal. I gave up."

The day before Grace planned to commit suicide, Grace decided to have the best day of their life. "I just went around San Francisco, my hometown, just trying to be happy for one more day, and I actually had the best day of my life," Grace says.

That day — the best day ever — saved Grace's life.

Now, Grace helps other LGBTQ people celebrate being alive by bringing their "best day ever" dreams to life.

"Gender is a socially constructive concept, and it shouldn't just dictate what people like in this life," Grace says. "And if we all acknowledge that, then I think a lot of kids growing up now won't have to go through what I did."

In the video below, Grace shares their emotional story and how it inspired the creation of the Best Day Project, an LGBTQ youth suicide prevention organization:

For those struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

A simple conversation opened this former police chief's eyes to his own abuse of power.

The feeling of powerlessness Norm Stamper experienced as a child growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive household motivated his decision to become a police officer. As an officer of the law, he vowed to protect the citizens he served from harm and to never ever be like his father.

But that’s not exactly how things went.

"I often found myself in the company of people who were abusing the citizens they were hired to protect and serve," Stamper says of his early career as a beat cop. He had power for the first time in his life, and surrounded by a culture that looked the other way, he too began abusing it. "I found myself enjoying it," Stamper admits.

"I had become my father."

In 1967, a prosecutor called Stamper out for making a false arrest, and everything changed. The prosecutor's words shook him out of his power trip. He vowed to work from the inside of the police force to stop abuse and call out cops for bad behavior.

It was Stamper's commitment to making the police an upstanding public force that lead to him becoming Seattle's Chief of Police. But having good intentions and making the right decisions weren't always as easy as it sounded.

Watch Norm Stamper — former chief of police — share how he came to change his mind about the state of policing in America:

She's always been good enough to play with the guys. She even made history doing it.

Becca Longo is making history as the reported first female athlete to receive a football scholarship to a NCAA Division II college. But it almost didn't happen.

Becca always wanted to follow in the footsteps of her football playing older brother, but joining her high school's all-male football team was easier said than done. Even once she had proven herself a skilled athlete, she still found herself facing negativity and assumptions that women can't play football quite as well as men. She worked hard and got lucky — her school let her on the team with the boys.

Sophomore year, she was a three-sport athlete, playing football, basketball, and running track. She was a kicker on the football team and the team embraced her as one of their own, as they would any other player.

Then — as if busting the stereotype that girls can't play football wasn't hard enough — Becca learned that she had a stress fractures in her back. Doctors gave her the news every athlete dreads hearing: She needed to rest.

Dismayed, Becca spent her junior year strengthening her core and watching her teammates play from the sidelines. Finally, when senior year rolled around, she was ready and more motivated than ever to compete again — and compete she did.

Her story is an inspiration to any girl who wants to play football, and any athlete sidelined by an injury — it just goes to show what doors hard work, determination, and a refusal to bow to stereotypes can open for you.

Check out Becca's journey below:

Say hello to the first woman to land a Division II football scholarship.
Posted by Upworthy on Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Just because sharing a bed is considered the cultural norm, doesn't mean it's always the best option.

Melissa Bunker has been sleepwalking since she was a little kid.

It was harmless enough at first. She has silly stories, like the time in college when she walked around her dorm, took all the pictures off the wall, and then crammed them into the fridge.

After Melissa got married and began sharing a bed with her husband, Leon, the stories got stranger. One night, she woke up in the hospital and was told she had driven, in her sleep, from her home in North Carolina to the border of South Carolina.

Her sleepwalking, combined with Leon's snoring ("He sounds like a werewolf in heat," Melissa says), means there aren't many restful nights for the pair.

Image via iStock.

Eventually, Melissa's excessive sleepwalking, or somnambulism, was diagnosed as a symptom of sleep apnea, a serious disorder that occurs when a person's breathing is disrupted during sleep, often causing snoring.

After working with a sleep disorder specialist and getting CPAP treatment, Melissa is often able to spend a full night in bed.

But even with the diagnosis, Melissa and her husband don't share a bed every single night.

Melissa says she doesn't like the general judgment society seems to have about the practice of a couple sleeping in separate beds.

"It works for me and my husband," Melissa says. "What's more socially acceptable nowadays? Multiple partners in one bed or multiple beds with one partner?"

Image courtesy of Everett Collection.

Perhaps the instinct to judge co-sleeping — and deciding not to — is a result of popular culture, suggests Lisa Medalie, a behavioral sleep medicine specialist at the University of Chicago.

"Interestingly, co-sleeping with a spouse was not always the norm," she says. "If you look back to television shows from the '60s, for example, shows like 'Dick Van Dyke' showed separate beds for the spouses in the bedroom. At this point in time, sitcoms largely show spouses sleeping in the same bed."

Image via CBS Photo Archive/Getty Images.

About 1 in 4 couples sleep separately, according to a survey from the National Sleep Foundation. And more recent surveys indicate that number could be climbing.

With so many couples sleeping apart, it's hard to understand why the phenomenon is associated with shame.

Part of it may be in the assumption there is no sexual intimacy, but Melissa says for Leon and her, that's not true at all. She wouldn't see Leon for long stretches of time while he was in an active duty military post. "Was I lonely? Yes. But did our intimacy wane? Absolutely not."

"Intimacy is going to be a case by case study," Melissa continues. "You can have someone who has a picturesque relationship — same bed or different country, they'll have that bond."

Just because sharing a bed is considered the norm, it's not necessarily better or more healthy.

"It would be great if people were more comfortable talking about things that troubled them so that others going through the same thing did not feel alone with their struggle," Medalie says.

We use beds to get a good night's sleep. You do not need to share a bed to have a loving and intimate relationship, but you do need a good night's sleep to be a high-functioning, happy partner.

"If a couple simply prefers to sleep separately, there is no need to feel wrong or bad about that preference," Medalie says, freeing us all from cultural judgment.

There you have it, doctor's orders.

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