weaponized incompetence

A woman on Reddit is sharing a problem that far too many women experience: being married to a man who won’t do his fair share around the house. But this woman, who goes by the user name Fantastic_Guess1918, 28, appears to be in an extreme situation. Her husband, 33, does absolutely nothing and hasn’t worked in over a year.

She says the big problem is that he’s a “mama’s boy” who never had any responsibilities growing up and hasn’t taken on any as an adult. His mother owns a business and created a position he’s had since 16, but he never goes to work and still gets paid.

Even though he doesn’t bother going to work, the wife still takes on 100% of the domestic responsibilities in the home. She was so frustrated that she asked for help on the Relationship Advice forum.

“My husband and I have been married for 10+ years and I'm now learning what weaponized incompetence is,” she opens her story, referencing a passive-aggressive tactic people use to avoid responsibility. He also lives like a slob, making Mountain Dew pyramids on the side of the bed and throwing rotten food down the sink, even though they don’t have a garbage disposal.

“I was young and naive when we got married and assumed that he would grow up. That he would share the housework and not leave me with literally everything,” she continued. “I honestly didn't even expect 50/50. I would have taken 90% if he'd just do 10%. He did nothing. I mean NOTHING. I didn't want to put up with it and I tried my hardest not to. We argued about it all the time.”

A wife can no longer take her husband's laziness. via Timur Weber/Pexels

To make things worse, Fantastic_Guess1918 has severe depression which makes keeping up with household duties even more difficult. She hopes to one day have two children, but those dreams have been dashed because she is already raising a childish husband.

The situation got so bad she gave an “empty threat” of divorce, and he did the dishes. “I was in shock, the first thing he's done. Immediately afterward my rocky confidence in his ability to change was shattered more when he approached me and wanted PRAISE for cleaning the dishes,” Fantastic_Guess1918 wrote.

“I just feel like I'm in such a bad place now, and I feel completely trapped,” she told the Relationship Advice forum. ”I don't want to leave; I just want things to be better. I want him to hear me. I want him to care about how stressed I constantly am.”

The good news is that the forum posters gave her some very good advice, although it probably wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear.

1. Get a divorce

"I can't even begin to tell you how many women I've known in situations like this (it's literally in the triple digits). Absolutely NONE of those men EVER changed. If anything, they just got worse the longer their atrocious lack of effort was enabled/put up with."

"It's easier to dump a mama's boy than to divorce a mama's boy, and both are easier than trying to change a mama's boy."

2. You're choosing this

"You are choosing this life by staying. You are choosing to be stressed out by a partner who doesn’t care about you. He’s never had to care about or take care of anything or anyone. Why would he magically start now? Because you want him to? People don’t change just because we want them to; they change when THEY want to."

3. Get a job

“The ability to leave is to negotiate from strength with a partner. As long as you sit there saying 'I have nowhere to go!' you are giving him all the power. Open a private account, put your pay there.”

4. Reframe the narrative

“It helps to keep this perspective: you're not trapped, you're in planning mode. Once you start making a plan for your escape, you will feel FAR less trapped. It doesn't matter if that plan takes 1 year, 2 years or 3 years. You can come up with a plan that will allow you to leave your husband eventually.”

5. Stop working for him

“If he constantly leaves junk around the house, buy a big container and just drop all of errant junk into that container. If he doesn't cook or do laundry, only cook or do laundry for yourself. You can even buy yourself a locking mini fridge and keep your leftovers and groceries in that fridge so he doesn't benefit from your labor.”

“Find ways so his mess can remain his problem — even if that just means constantly putting his junk in the trash when he refuses to pick it up. Be petty with it (you've earned it) and have fun!”

A wife can no longer take her husband's laziness.via Timur Weber/Pexels

6. Get a housekeeper

"Have him pay for a maid to do his half of the work and stop arguing about it. That’s the only way to continue the marriage. If he has 'don’t go to work for a year' money, he has housekeeper money."

7. Men don't grow up

"My dad told me something that made a huge impact on me. He said that men don’t 'grow up' and don’t 'mature.' They are who they are whether they’re 5, 15, or 55. That’s who they are and that's who they are always going to be."

8. Depression lies to you

"You are not trapped, that’s just the lie your depression tells you. You have the power to break free, you just don’t believe in yourself."

9. Get a support system

"Do you have a therapist, etc? You need someone to talk to about these issues! There are so many concerns you have implied may exist, but not delineated. Do you not have any kind of support system? Parents, siblings, old friends, other relatives? If not, it’s time for you to put on your big girl panties and get a life. You need to make a life for yourself! That includes a job, money management, housing, etc. This balloon you are living within is about to pop."

10. He was made that way

"The way your husband's mommy makes excuses for him and treats him like a baby is how so many momma's boys are raised. Mom Boys are raising defective men ON PURPOSE. Because they don’t want to be 'abandoned.' Do not be with a momma’s boy!! Look out for yourself."

Even though the woman said she didn’t want to leave her husband and only wanted him to understand her situation, she was given a lot of hard truths about her marriage. She is fighting an uphill battle trying to turn her husband into a responsible man when he was raised to let the women in his life do everything for him. So, the good news is that even though she may not want to leave him, she received a lot of practical advice on gaining independence from him so she can at least forge her own path instead of being dependent on a man who gives little in return.