"Learning to speak to our children in a way that serves them takes work but it matters so much."
What started as a simple conversation about loading the dishwasher quickly turned into a viral conversation about “weaponized incompetence.” Particularly, how parents might be unintentionally ingraining the habit into their kids.
As mom Shelbie Huffman explained, she had her phone out to film something when a confrontation between her and her son, Calvin, erupted organically. Perhaps erupted is too strong a word, because as you’ll notice in the lengthy video below, the communication between both parties, while obviously frustrated, is incredibly calm and collected.
In the clip, Huffman first listened as Calvin tried to air out his point of view—primarily that she was coming at him with a harsh tone about cleaning out his bowl and putting it in the dishwasher.
“But I will not give you step-by-step instructions when you are perfectly capable of doing something like this."@shelbiemarie7/TikTok
“I can’t take back that I didn't pick it up, so it’s not fair for you to tell me that ‘you were supposed to have that done in the first place.’ That can’t change until the next time. So what you should have said was, ‘Can you pick that up please and bring it up here?’”
After a bit more back and forth, Huffman then calmly explained to her son how he is avoiding taking responsibility without realizing it. “Here’s what I can do. Within that and what you need, I can approach the situation a little bit differently," she said. “But I will not give you step-by-step instructions when you are perfectly capable of doing something like this. You are perfectly capable of picking up your cereal bowl, dumping it in the sink, rinsing it out, and putting it in the dishwasher.”
“What you are trying to do right now, you don’t realize it, but as an adult, as a grown man, this is weaponized incompetence.”@shelbiemarie7/TikTok
“What you are trying to do right now, you don’t realize it, but as an adult, as a grown man, this is weaponized incompetence.”
Weaponized incompetence, as defined by Psychology Today, is when someone “knowingly or unknowingly” demonstrates an inability to perform specific tasks, which, in turn, forces others to do said task. Back in my day, we called this Tom Sawyering, but the former does sound more like it should be taken seriously.
While this behavior can certainly show up in any gender, there’s a growing trend of women calling out male partners who utilize this technique to get out of doing their fair share of domestic work. After all, while our views on gender roles have shifted significantly, there are still many insidious ways they remain.
In an interview with the New York Post, Huffman shared that it’s a habit she endured from both her ex-husband and father and, therefore, is something she strives to root out in her own son every day so he grows up to be a “secure and authentic man.” By and large, people applauded Huffman for how she was able to explain something as sophisticated as weaponized incompetence to her young son, and supported that it be taught to other kids his age.
“MOMS: START them YOUNG. Do NOT allow the eye rolling, voice-raising, goalposting moving, disrespect of weaponized incompetence in young men. Young women do not possess this entitlement. Fantastic job Ms. Shelibe,” read the top comment.
“He is 100% capable because he asked you for more direction but then apologized for not putin it in the dishwasher when he knew he should’ve. Teaching kids a bot weaponized incompetence!! Great job mom,” wrote another viewer.
“The way you just taught him competence vs weaponized incompetence is something that his future partner will 100% thank you for. I’m not sure he will retain that from this conversation because he was in his frustration but I hope you will continue to teach him that. It’s amazing to see.”
"This is SOOOOOO healthy. You’re setting him up for so much awareness and respect.”
Still, others were concerned that perhaps this exchange was an example of how gentle parenting can go wrong, leaving the parent disrespected and manipulated.
“You can tell he’s also manipulating and gaslighting SO well at the same time,” one person wrote. Another noted, “the fact that he’s blaming it on you for lack of communication for not giving him step by step instructions on how to do things even though he knows how to do it is very concerning.”
To that, someone replied, “If he continues talking like that to his mom, it won’t get better.”
“He is, in fact, trying to control the parent in the house,” said another.
In a follow-up video, Huffman actually noted that she appreciated the conflicting views her initial clip inspired, as “opposing perspectives is what perpetuates the cycle of life forward” (a great way to put it). However, she did offer a few opposing perspectives of her own.
For one, she argued that, in her opinion, “Having respect and being respectful are two different things.”
“In a moment of weakness…you can actively be disrespectful. That does not mean you are a disrespectful person,” she said, adding that in her own journey of healing, she had learned that “labeling someone based on an independent experience does more harm than good.”
She also noted that in her eyes, respect is not synonymous with obedience. For her, it means taking responsibility, regulation, and, most importantly, repair—all of which she said her son does, even if he doesn't do it perfectly all the time.
Even if you don’t fully agree with Huffman’s take on the situation, the patience, reflection, and thought-provoking conversation she invites is commendable. And it seems that even if parents can’t agree on how it’s taught, they do agree that weaponized incompetence is something that should be taught to kids so that we have a generation of responsible, regulated adults.
A family enjoying a vacation together. 
A wife can no longer take her husband's laziness. via 
A wife can no longer take her husband's laziness.via