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stay at home dads

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Stay-at-home moms are suddenly getting the recognition they've always deserved

Photo by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash

Millions of families have suddenly found themselves in a strange new world, one in which parents and kids are all stuck at home together. All day and all night. Every day. Every night.

It's fine. We're fine. Everything is fine.

One outcome of this sudden 24/7 togetherness is that working parents are getting a taste of what stay-at-home parents do all day—and they're quickly discovering that the role is far more challenging than they thought.

We're in a weird time right now so that taste is a little skewed. Stay-at-home parents usually get to leave the house and go to the park, run errands, drive kids to and from activities, etc. Then again, they're also all usually doing it by themselves. Nevertheless, the reality of being responsible for children all day and night is hitting home.

People without kids or parents who work outside the home (amazing folks in their own right—no dogging on working parents) often don't understand the busy-ness that looking after children all day entails. The attention it demands. The mess it creates. The maintenance work involved. The emotional toll it can take. The relentless nature of it all.

Most stay-at-home moms (and dads—not trying to leave you out here) have been asked the question, "So what do you do all day?" more than once. Perhaps it's just genuine curiosity, but it often feels like there's a judgment floating beneath the surface. "You just have to hang out with your kids. How could that possibly fill up the whole day?"

Well, now you know.

Salary.com did an estimate of the value of stay-at-home moms' duties and figured out that if they did that job professionally they could reasonably expect a salary of $162,581 per year. Having stayed home with kids myself, that sounds about right.

The first time my 15-year-old babysat for three whole days—one child—she came home and said, "Kids are tiring!" She loved it, but she was surprised at how much energy it took. I just laughed and said, "Tell me about it, kiddo."

Different ages demand different amounts and different kinds of physical and emotional work, but it's still work. And it's work that doesn't have a clear beginning or end, doesn't have a performance review to let you know if you're doing well, and doesn't come with a paycheck or bonus. When you're a parent caring for kids all day long, you're working all day long—just without the official recognition that goes along with professional work.

And it's constantly changing. It's not like you can get really good at your job and coast a little. Children are constantly growing and changing, and what they need constantly changes, and your role constantly changes. All parents experience this, but stay-at-home parents are in the thick of it all. the. time. Even during times that your kids are occupied for a while, you're still "on."

I remember when my kids were little, it felt like a vacation just to go to the store by myself. (Still does, actually, and my kids are all in the double-digit ages.) I adore my children more than anything else in the world, and I love spending time with them, but there's a limit. Kids have so many needs. When they're little, they need food, protection, assistance to do basic things, nurturing, emotional comfort, etc. As they get older and their physical needs diminish, their emotional needs become greater. When you're the available parent, you're the one meeting those needs. And constantly being needed is exhausting.

And that's not even throwing in the housekeeping tasks, which can almost feel like a full-time job on their own.

Clearly, we're not living under normal circumstances at the moment, so people are getting a bit of a strange taste of what full-time, hands-on parenting normally looks like, but it's enough of a taste to recognize that stay-at-home moms are not sitting around twiddling their thumbs all day.

So congrats, stay-at-home moms for finally getting your hour in the sun. Sorry it literally took a global pandemic and for life as we know it to come to a screeching halt for you to finally get the recognition and acknowledgment you deserve.

From Your Site Articles

I didn’t understand male privilege until I became a stay-at-home dad

When my wife returned to work after parental leave, I took my first trip to the grocery with two kids.

Little did I know I would return home feeling like a hero.

On a Monday morning, I pushed the green cart with flame decals through the second set of sliding doors and toward the deli. My 3-year-old son was strapped in the seat and my 3-month-old son was wrapped against my chest.

As a stay-a-home father strolling through the grocery, I felt conflicting emotions — love for caring for my sons and frustration with being an unemployed 37-year-old man.

At the deli, I exchanged pleasantries with a young woman behind the counter and ordered a pound of sliced turkey breast. I was immediately surrounded by a group of female employees. They leaned close to admire my infant son as he raised his bald head from the green cloth wrap.

“I never could get mine to like the wrap," one said.

“I bet y'all have so much fun together," another said.

“You are the best dad ever," another said.

I swelled with pride. Maybe they're right! Maybe I am the best dad ever.

I soaked in the praise before tossing my sliced turkey into the cart and heading toward the produce.

As I strolled, more comments came from fellow shoppers, and I absorbed them, giving little thought to the reason why I merited heightened attention.

“Nice baby wearing," a young woman said.

“That is one way to keep 'em warm," an elderly woman said.

“Man, you are taking this dad thing to the next level," a bag boy at checkout said.

The series of verbal high-fives inflated my ego and, after receiving the receipt from the cashier, I smiled and pushed our flaming green cart through the sliding doors like a rock star walking offstage.

I had no clue I was benefiting from male privilege.

I enjoy the attention I receive as a stay-at-home dad; it's nice to have impressed eyes turned on me.

My rationale for basking in the compliments is that I spend most of my time wading through dirty diapers, spit-up, and spilled Cheerios. I deserve some praise, right?

I thought so, until one Sunday morning I sipped coffee and read an article (a rare kids-free moment in the kitchen) about faux male feminists. The article included comments from Tal Peretz, a sociology professor at Auburn University, who described a concept called “the pedestal effect."

As I read, my male privilege became uncomfortably visible. The pedestal effect refers to when men receive undeserved praise, attention, and rewards for performing work traditionally done by women, like carrying a baby in a wrap.

At the grocery store, I willingly stepped on the pedestal and used my privilege to gain attention for basic child care.

And as I reflected on Peretz's words, other pedestal moments flashed in my mind. This realization was not something I could ignore.

If you believe in gender equality, it is not hard to understand why it is problematic to place one gender on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum, while another bears the bulk of the child care. Not only is it unfair, but it's also not in the best interests of families and can place stress on them when parenting roles are unbalanced.

For men who value gender equality and healthy families, assisting in lowering the pedestal is imperative.

After reading Peretz's comments, I wrestled with how to respond and, hopefully, how to help other dads become more aware of this privilege. I reached out to him to discuss the pedestal effect, and he offered practical ways to counter male privilege.

He reminded me of the complexity of privilege and how it operates on different levels — individual, interpersonal, institutional and structural.

We cannot dismantle institutions and structures by ourselves, but we can start with naming our privilege and giving credit to women wherever it is due.

Naming our privilege through raising awareness is a good place to begin, because men have been socialized to interact with women in particular ways, and it can be difficult for us to see how we are perpetuating gender inequality.

Peretz recommends using resources such as privilege checklists to identify your advantages. These resources can help us move unconscious thoughts and behaviors into the light of awareness. Ideally, this work will lead to interpersonal change.

Men can make the effort to closely listen to women to understand how they perceive male privilege. And, most importantly, we need to believe women.

Maybe you remain skeptical that a pedestal effect exists for fathers. Ask a mother whether she believes fathers benefit from undeserved praise. Her answer might surprise you. Men get attention and praise for doing work women do every day.

Raising awareness and listening are important steps, but I also wanted to know how to best respond when given undeserved attention.

Peretz recommends reacting “with humility and a sense of humor," while bringing attention and awareness back to the work women have been doing for a long time.

For example, at the deli, I could have redirected the conversation. I could've used one of these playful responses suggested by Peretz: “Yeah, I'm really glad that my wife did all the heavy lifting of pregnancy and childbirth so I'd get to enjoy this little monster," or “I really appreciate that, but it's nothing my mom didn't have to do for me!"

I want to do a better job of stepping off the pedestal and challenging sexist beliefs about parenting.

I want to better align myself with the women who have been doing this work for generations and assist them in creating more balanced roles within families. And I want to share the most important lesson I've learned while reflecting on this issue, which is that not only should I do this work because it is the right thing to do, but also because I need it.

Men need to be liberated from the rigid forms of masculinity that create a pedestal in the first place. Only when we step off them can we hope to be free.

This story originally appeared in the On Parenting section of The Washington Post and is reprinted here with permission.

From Your Site Articles

Sweden's parental leave laws have revolutionized the lives of moms. - Upworthy ›

In order to aspire to be an excellent leader, you need to have an excellent team.

Just ask Emily Bassett. She has been selected as the commanding officer of one of the Navy's newest littoral combat ships.

We should probably pause there for a moment because she's doing big things.

According to the U.S. Department of Defense, approximately 200,000 women are serving in the military right now. That number accounts for less than 15% of the total armed forces population in the U.S. When it comes to female senior officers, that percentage drops significantly.

But Emily doesn't want a pat on the back for being one of the few women who continue to ascend through the military ranks. Instead she wants to focus on how she arrived there so others can do the same.

Emily thoroughly enjoys her role for the military. All photos from Emily Bassett and used with permission.

Motivation was never an issue for Emily. As far back as she can remember, she knew she had what it takes to be a shot-caller. "When I was growing up I told everyone that I wanted to be an ambassador, a boss, a leader, or something," Emily told me. "Once I got older, the military interested me and became my avenue to leadership."

She received a Reserve Officers' Training Corps (ROTC) scholarship from Boston University and entered the service directly after graduation in 1999. Once she joined the military, it didn't take her long to notice that there weren't very many people who looked like her. "Women were few and far between," Emily recalled. "Of the few that were there, even fewer lasted beyond the four-year point."

Why?

"Because many of us were looking for partners. Asking a guy you've just met to pack up his career and follow you is usually a non-starter."

Emily knew she wanted a husband, kids, and her career. But making that work would be tricky.

The four-year point is when many in the military make their decision to stay or leave. Emily had to make that decision shortly after meeting her future husband.

Will Bassett was an active duty pilot in the military when they met. Emily remembers the early days of dating as if they happened yesterday.

Emily and Will are all smiles when they're together.

"It was love at first sight," Emily recalled. "I really wanted to continue with my military career, and the reason why I was able to was because we both agreed that it worked for us. One of us wasn't giving up something for the other."

While enjoying a latte at Starbucks, she wrote out her 20-year plan on a napkin and asked Will, "Does this work for you?" He agreed that it did. Wedding bells followed two years later.

Part of their plan included children. Since Emily can be on a ship for months at at time, Will needed to be home full time with their two young children, Edward and Isabel, so he retired as a Navy pilot and became a stay-at-home dad. Again, it was a situation that worked for both of them.

"Will is an 'all-in' dad, completely 100% in," Emily beamed. "He cooks, he cleans, he reads stories, he fixes leaks and remodels bathrooms, he does it all. We would be lost without him."

Emily recognizes that many women can do it alone — single parents balance the demands of kids and work all the time — but it wasn't a part of her plan.

Will loves the bonding time with his kids.

The amount of stay-at-home dads are rising, but does society accept them?

Although the current number of stay-at-home dads in America increased to a total of 2 million, many of these men cannot shed the negative stereotypes that follow them. Emily has heard stories about how stay-at-home dads are ridiculed for "spending their wives' money," or for being unwilling to find "real jobs."

Fortunately, Will is secure enough in himself to be the parent at home while Emily pursues her career in military leadership. Even his kids are secure with it.

"When I went to pick up my 4-year-old daughter Isabel from school recently, one of her classmates asked why I always get her," Will said. "Isabel responded proudly that it's because her mommy is busy taking care of sailors on a ship, and my daddy is here with me. It was a cool moment that demonstrated how much my daughter appreciates the work we do."

Daddy and daughter enjoying a silly moment.

Let's deliver some real talk here — the next time a man is asked how he juggles fatherhood and his career, it will be the first. In heterosexual, two-parent families, moms are always known to step up on the home front. Now that more women are stepping up in their careers, it's long overdue that more of the men in those relationships take over at home to level the playing field.

These career choices can be tough. Luckily, Emily has a support group that's helping her through it.

There aren't very many people like Emily in the military, and finding women in her role to share ideas and frustrations with used to be difficult for her.

Now Emily is a member of a Lean In Circle, which are intimate groups of peers who share a similar bond — and both men and women can participate. Her particular group consists of female leaders in the military, and they enjoy monthly candid conversations about all facets of their careers and life at home. It's become an invaluable part of her growth as a leader and mother.

Emily enjoys a healthy balance between being a mom and a military leader.

"Lean In Circles have been a huge benefit to me for mentorship and professional development," Emily told me. "But what keeps me going back after three years is that my circle is a safe place to discuss leadership challenges and our biases that hold women and mothers back."

Many of the women in Emily's Lean In Circle are moms and their spouses stay at home with the kids, like Will does. It provides more proof that the Bassetts aren't the only ones with a similar family dynamic.

Not every woman pursuing a career needs a partner at home (clearly). But for some families, it works.

Yes, it's possible for our daughters to be CEOs, business owners, entrepreneurs, senior military officers — or whatever their hearts desire. Most importantly, they can tackle these careers while also being amazing mothers. They're not mutually exclusive.

The Bassetts are an amazing family and team.

Families come in all different forms. But it's awesome to see this couple making things work while smashing stereotypes at the same time.

stay at home dads

Stay-at-home moms are suddenly getting the recognition they've always deserved

I didn’t understand male privilege until I became a stay-at-home dad

Being a commanding officer in the Navy takes guts. So does being her husband.

In order to aspire to be an excellent leader, you need to have an excellent team.

Emily knew she wanted a husband, kids, and her career. But making that work would be tricky.

The amount of stay-at-home dads are rising, but does society accept them?

These career choices can be tough. Luckily, Emily has a support group that's helping her through it.

Not every woman pursuing a career needs a partner at home (clearly). But for some families, it works.

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