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Gen X's unique mid-life crisis: Caring for teens and aging parents at the same time

For real, though, how are we supposed to do this?

Photo credit: Canva

Midlife for many Gen Xers means playing two major caretaking roles.

The term "mid-life crisis" has been used for generations to describe the phase of identity-seeking and introspection that hits sometime in your 40s or 50s. Stereotypically, a mid-life crisis is marked by restlessness, dissatisfaction, and a desire for a significant life change.

Gen Xers are now fully immersed in their mid-life era, and many have a crisis on their hands that can't be resolved with a shiny sports car or a change of scenery. Millions in the "forgotten generation" are finding themselves knee deep in two major roles— parenting teens and young adults and caring for their aging parents—and it's not going so great. It's like the mid-life version of "Reality Bites."

reality bites, gen x, forgotten generation, sandwich generation, 90s movies How is Gen X middle-aged already? Giphy

Of course, every generation has had to navigate parenting and caring for elders, but cultural and economic shifts have put Gen X in a unique position of navigating both at the same time and in a more intense way than previous generations did. Many Gen Xers started families in their later 20s and early 30s, pushing the parenting teens and young adults stage a bit later than previous generations. Add on the fact that Gen X's boomer parents are living longer and have more chronic health problems than previous generations, and we have a perfect storm of caretaking overload that can feel wholly unsustainable.

Let's start with the emotional toll of navigating both of these roles at once. Everyone knows that parenting teens isn't easy, but it's arguably more complex now than it used to be. Previous parenting generations didn't have the internet and social media to contend with, and the mental health crisis of Gen Z means parents spend lots of time helping kids navigate emotional and psychological challenges. Today's young people are awesome in so many ways, but parenting them is a more intensive experience than, say, raising Gen X, who were largely left to our own devices (for better and for worse).

gen x, gen z, parenting, teens, mental health crisis Gen Z teens and young adults often confide in their parents, which is great. It also means more intensive parenting than previous generations.Photo credit: Canva

Then add on the reality of parents getting older and starting to decline physically and mentally, and the fact that there's a lack of dementia doctors for the growing population of boomers needing care, and the frustration of Gen Xers having to help navigate the increasingly confusing healthcare system on behalf of their parents, and it's easy to see why the sandwich generation might feel a little burned out.

Oh, and just for funsies, women in this age group are also going through perimenopause and menopause and dealing with all of the delightful symptoms that comes with those stages. Good times.

gen x, midlife crisis, middle age, perimenopause, menopause Hot flashes are only one of dozens of perimenopause and menopause symptoms. Giphy

And let's not forget the financial weight of it all. Theoretically, Gen Xers are at the peak of their careers and should be reaping the financial benefits of seniority and experience, but the fluctuating economy hasn't really allowed for that. According to Forbes, the average Gen Xer is "woefully unprepared" and "may require a miracle" to be able to retire, with only a small fraction of the money they should have in their retirement accounts (if they even have a retirement account at all). Plus, Gen X is apparently being passed over for leadership positions as boomers hold onto executive roles longer and companies look to younger generations to replace them, so that's neat. Trying to catch up on retirement savings while also just dealing with the cost of daily living would already be a lot, but many Gen Xers are doing that while also taking on expenses from their kids and parents both.

Gen X is putting kids through college in an era of ridiculous tuition costs, some while still paying off their own student loans they assumed would be paid off by now. Gen Z young adults also aren't launching as early as previous generations since wages haven't kept up with the cost of living, and housing is simply unaffordable for many young people on beginner salaries. So even post-college, many are still living at home with their Gen X parents to save money and rely on their parents for financial help.

And on the other end, we have the exorbitant cost of elder care, especially when there are physical or cognitive issues that require extra assistance. A lot of boomers aren't able to afford assisted living, which puts them and their families in a bind when that becomes a necessary option. The estimated median cost of living in an assisted living facility in 2025 is a whopping $72,924 a year—who can afford that but the wealthy? Even if Gen Xers bring their parent with extra needs into their home to live with them, most middle-agers are working full-time and would need to hire someone to provide their parent care during the work day. Home health care is covered by Medicare with certain medical conditions, but it's not covered if an elderly loved one only needs help with basic living activities like bathing, dressing, cooking, using the bathroom, etc. Caregiving isn't cheap, nor should it be, but someone has to shoulder those costs and Gen X is increasingly bearing the brunt of it.

What's to be done about this growing crisis? It's not like we can snap our fingers and make life more affordable for our kids or prevent our parents from needing our help as they age. What we can do is try to manage the stress that comes with these roles.

Changebridge Medical Associates offers 9 tips for the sandwich generation to lessen the stress of this stage of life. Some may feel more doable than others, but :

Communicate openly. Be open and honest in your communication. The ability to say, ‘I’m overwhelmed’ or ‘I need to step away,’ has become even more important. Remember that you are not alone, and that other people are struggling, too.

Identify stressors: What events or situations trigger stressful feelings? Are they related to your children, family health, financial decisions, work, relationships, or something else? Be sure to clearly identify the cause of your stressors so you can deal with them effectively.

stress, gen x, caregiving, parenting, midlife crisis Gen X is facing multiples stressors on multiple fronts.Photo credit: Canva

Be kind to others. Understand that we are all in the same predicament. If someone is having a tough day or hard time with something, showing kindness to each other can bring you even closer with your colleagues and friends.

Set boundaries in your home. Prioritize and delegate responsibilities. Identify ways your family and friends can lessen your load so that you can take a break. Delay or say no to less important tasks and do not feel guilty using the word “no."

Be clear on what your must-dos are. Make lists and cross off items as they are accomplished. Some people find gratification in writing a To Do list every day and crossing off things as they are completed. I know quite a few people who use Notes on their phone or utilize their calendar to set daily reminders. Whatever works best to stay organized throughout your day is what you need to do to set daily goals and tasks for yourself.


to do list, checklist, staying organized, prioritizing, must-dos Prioritizing is one key to avoiding overwhelm and burnout. Giphy

Set a routine. Keeping yourself and your family on a daily routine, especially during the week can be quite helpful. Setting expectations that your family can abide by and rely on is helpful in maintaining household organization which will ultimately bring you peace of mind. Creating a weekly menu to plan your food shopping alleviates a lot of pressure and stress.

Prioritize sleep. Sleep instead of watching more TV and scrolling through your phone. Add the extra minutes onto your sleep schedule. We all know how much sleep we need for optimal functionality. Do not shortchange yourself. Rest when you can. Do not be afraid to close your bedroom door for a power nap or some alone time. It is important for us all to take care of ourselves so we can be present for others.

Take Time for You. This is by far the most important tip. It is crucial for you to take time for yourself every day doing something that you love in order for you to destress. Focus on your own health and wellness by eating right, drinking a lot of water, and exercising. We spend so much time taking care of our families that we do not often stop to focus on our own wellbeing. Sign up for a local yoga class, take a walk or bike ride around your neighborhood, join a neighborhood walking or running club, or grab a book and find a quiet place in your home where you can close a door. Whatever it is that will give you time to recharge and pause from the day to say stressors is important for your physical and mental health.

me time, relaxation, self-care, destress, managing stress It might feel impossible sometimes, but caregiving requires self-care, too. Giphy

Ask for professional support: Accepting help from supportive friends and family can improve your ability to persevere during stressful times. If you continue to be overwhelmed by stress or the unhealthy behaviors you use to cope, you may want to talk with your primary care physician and/or a psychologist who can help you address the emotions behind your worries, better manage stress, and change unhealthy behaviors.

The one benefit of so many Gen Xers finding themselves in this boat is that no one is alone in it. Support and solidarity go a long way toward lightening the load, even in the face of unchangeable realities. Hopefully, that acknowledgment and the resilience that has always been a hallmark of Gen X will help us navigate these challenges as we walk through them together.

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Pediatrician is changing the way we think about teens with 'lighthouse parenting' tips

Dr. Ken Ginsburg’s advice for parents is like a hug, TED talk and Masterclass rolled into one.

Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash

'Lighthouse parenting' can help make raising teens less rocky.

As a parent of teens, I often wonder: Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like this? I don’t mean the warnings and complaints about how challenging the teen years are. I don’t mean all of the “just you wait” admonitions. I don’t mean the cliches and memes. What I want to know is why no one told me how awesome raising teens can be.

Don’t get me wrong, raising teens is not without its challenges. But for the most part, the teen years are portrayed as something to survive, not something to enjoy—and Dr. Ken Ginsburg is on a mission to change that.

A pediatrician specializing in adolescent medicine, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, and co-founder and director of programs at the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, Dr. Ginsburg has focused his career on changing how we think about, treat and raise teenagers.

His message of optimism is a welcome respite from the constant doomsday messages we hear about teenagers. The cliches, warnings and complaints about teens start early and continue often. Parents need to vent—and there is a lot to vent about—but the narratives we tell about teens are so one-sided and predominantly negative that I’ve been legit shocked at how fulfilling, rewarding and—dare I say—fun raising teens can be. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?

Ginsburg told Upworthy he suspects that part of the reason for the success of his latest book—"Congrats, You’re Having a Teen"—is that people are hungry for a book about teens that doesn’t focus on survival.

Raising teens isn’t all sunshine and roses. It is nerve-wracking, terrifying and emotional. But Ginsburg has made it his life’s work to dispel common myths about teens. Some key culprits: the misconception that teens don’t care what their parents think, that teens are inherently risk-prone and that teens don’t act rationally. To counteract the damaging impact of these myths, Dr. Ginsburg promotes “lighthouse parenting.”

“Parents,” Dr. Ginsburg advises, “you should be like a lighthouse for your child—a stable force on the shoreline from which they should measure themselves against. You should look down at the rocks and make sure they don’t crash against them. Look into the waves and trust that they will learn to ride them, and it’s your job to prepare them to do so.”

Unlike other talked-about parenting styles, like helicopter parenting and free-range parenting, lighthouse parenting—or balanced parenting—is grounded in science. Decades of research shows that not only does lighthouse parenting yield better academic, social, mental/emotional health and behavior outcomes, but (perhaps most importantly) it also leads to better relationships between parents and their children.

How do we tell the difference between rocks and waves? Is graduating from high school a rock or a wave? What about getting into college? Is underage drinking a choppy wave or a sharp rock?

Ginsburg explains it like this: Waves are challenges that you can ride through with the right skill sets, but rocks are dangers you might not survive no matter how prepared you are. Didn’t study for an important test? A wave. Getting in the car with a driver who has been drinking? A rock, definitely a rock.

I’ll be honest, in today’s increasingly high-stakes and ultra-competitive world of college admissions, travel sports and prestigious schools, it can be hard to know when to step in and when to let your child lead the way—especially when you know a wave might crash on top of them, leaving them gasping for air. But Ginsburg has a navigational tool for that too: think about the 35-year-old you’re raising.

When we look at success narrowly in terms of accomplishments, Ginsburg says we’re focusing on what our children are doing rather than who they are being and becoming. But when parents shift their focus onto the 35-year-old version of their teen, we look at success very differently with a focus on who they really are.

“The starting point is to know your child,” he says. “For a child to be ultimately successful, it has to be success that matches who they really are, not your vision of who they might become.”

Another mind-blowing piece of advice? Raise teens for their second job, not their first. Their first job might be influenced by accomplishments like good grades and high SAT scores, but their second job is when character traits like compassion and perseverance have a chance to shine.

Being a lighthouse, raising the 35-year-old and preparing them for their second job can be easier said than done, especially when a teen is slamming a door in your face or telling you (once again) that you don’t know what you’re talking about. But our teens aren’t pushing us away, Ginsburg says, they are simply struggling with their own growing independence.

The frustration is real, he acknowledges, but it is rooted in misunderstandings about teen development. Research shows that young people actually do care deeply about what their parents think, and they want to have good relationships with their parents.

So stay calm, be the lighthouse, ride the waves.

“The most protective thing in a young person’s life is to be known, seen, and valued just as you are, with all of your strengths and all of your limitations,” he told Upworthy. “When you know that the person who knows you the most, knows your character strengths and those areas in need of improvement—and that person continues to adore you, that gives you strength to launch into adulthood truly secure in who you are. That’s what gives you the strength to navigate the waves of adolescence when other people are challenging who you are.”

Ginsburg’s book was released in early October and he's been doing television interviews that are resonating with many people. I’ll admit, I was on the verge of tears for nearly our entire interview. His advice feels like a hug, a TED talk and a Masterclass on parenting all rolled into one. In the words of Sheinelle Jones, who interviewed him on TODAY, “This was a sermon.”

Amen.

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