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The 90-10 rule can mean the difference between having a life that's joyous or stressful

Taking a moment to skillfully respond can make all the difference.

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A woman is both happy and angry.

There is a psychological concept known as the illusion of control, which states that people believe they have greater control over the events in their lives than they do. If you think about it, a lot of our lives are controlled by chance, whether it's our genetics, the families we were born into, the time and place where we were born, and chance encounters that change the trajectory of our lives, such as the moment we met our spouse or someone with a job opportunity.

People who have it good are more likely to attribute their good fortunes to their effort, while those who are having difficulty getting by are more likely to blame bad luck. No matter how we delude ourselves, one thing is certain: many situations we find ourselves in throughout life are out of our control, and our real power lies in our ability to react.

Knowing how to react to situations beyond our control is the crux of the 90-10 rule.

What is the 90-10 rule?

The 90-10 rule, attributed to Stephen Covey in the bestseller “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” states that 10% of life is made up of what happens to you, and 90% is decided by how you react.

People often explain the 90-10 rule by sharing a story of a mishap at breakfast.

You are having breakfast in business attire, and your young daughter spills coffee on your shirt. You reprimand her and your spouse for putting the cup of coffee too close to the table's ledge. Your daughter gets upset and misses her school bus. So you have to drive her to school, and because you’re speeding, you get a $180 ticket. You arrive at work late, and the day spirals from there. When you get home from work, you have an annoyed wife and child.

Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the coffee cause it?

B) Did your daughter cause it?

C) Did the policeman cause it?

D) Did you cause it?

The answer is "D".

In an alternative universe, the coffee spills on your shirt, and you forgive your daughter. You change your shirt, your daughter makes the bus, and you get to work five minutes early. Now, instead of having a day that spiraled out of control, taking a moment to see the spilled coffee as an accident changed the entire day.

What happens when people skillfully respond to events out of their control over a long period? Their lives will be completely different than if they chose to take things out of their control personally.

Here are 3 ways to apply the 90-10 rule.

The key is not to take minor inconveniences personally.

1. If someone says something negative about you, do not be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water off a duck's back. You do not have to let the negative comments affect you.

2. If someone cuts you off in traffic, don’t take it personally; who cares if you get to work 10 seconds later? There's no point in letting it ruin your day.

3. If you get to the airport and find out your flight is delayed, don’t get mad at the person working at the ticket counter. It’s beyond their control. The plane will arrive at some point, whether you get worked up or not.

airport, airplane, happy man airport, luggage, flights, A man walking through the airport.via Canva/Photos

The 90-10 rule mirrors the "Let them" theory championed by Mel Robbins, a podcast host, author, motivational speaker, and former lawyer. The first thing is to acknowledge that others are imperfect and that you cannot change them. “People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and frankly, they don't want to. Let them. Let your parents be less than what you deserved," Robbins said in a viral video. "Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale. Try to remind yourself that they're just doing the best they can with the resources and the life experiences they have."

Remember, you can’t control everything, but you can choose how you react to minor annoyances. Choose to respond in a skillful, thoughtful manner without taking things seriously, and you can quickly get past the minor annoyances without causing the adverse ripple effect that can ruin your entire day.

This article originally appeared last year.



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Ivy League expert shares why parents should stop saying 'good job' and do this instead

To build confidence, parents have to take things step further.

via Businesswire and Canva/Photos

A child taking piano lessons and Dr. Becky Kennedy

When you’re a parent, few things feel better than telling your kids, “Good job!” or “Well done” when they complete an art project, get a good grade, or make their bed correctly. So, what could be wrong with a little positive enforcement? According to Dr. Becky Kennedy, “Good job” is a conversation-ender that can prevent kids from getting the full, confidence-building benefits of their accomplishments.

Dr. Becky is a child psychologist, the bestselling author of “Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Resilient Parenting Prioritizing Connection Over Correction,” and the mother of 3 kids. She addressed how to correctly praise kids for their accomplishments on the December 27, 2024 episode of “The Tim Ferriss Show.” “Say ‘Good job,’ It’s not going to do damage to your kid. I think there’s a lot we can unpack there. There’s deeper principles. What do kids really need when they have accomplishments?” she asked, adding that “Good job” is a “conversation-ender.”

How to raise confident kids

Dr. Becky adds that when parents say “Good job” and leave it at that, we are teaching them to “gaze out” for acceptance from others instead of “gazing in” on the process they used to accomplish their task. By conditioning kids to look to others for acceptance, whether it’s their parents, teachers, or future boss or spouse, we create a world where they’re looking for external validation. This leads to anxiety and “makes you very empty and very fragile, very, very anxious,” Dr. Becky said.



Instead, Dr. Becky suggests that parents lean in and ask their child about the process it took to create that piece of art or clean their room. This helps the child develop greater self-confidence and focus more on their process the next time they put their mind to accomplishing something. She says a great place to start is to ask process questions such as: “Oh, how did you come up with that topic? Oh, what made you start it that way? Oh, what was it like writing that?”

The child psychologist says that initially, it may feel uncomfortable to ask probing questions. “Once you get started, it’s easier,” Dr. Becky said. “And yes, it actually focuses on what’s more in a kid’s control. And then, setting up your kids to feel good about themselves, even if they’re not always getting 100, is just such a massive privilege. And it actually makes them work harder because they’re focused on their effort and process instead of just on a result.”

A great way to think about how we praise children is how we would like to be treated by adults. If you worked in sales and had a great month, would you want your boss to simply say, “Good job” or would you like them to dig deeper into how you honed your sales process so that you could improve? It’s a great confidence booster when we can tell people how we’ve gone above and beyond or found new solutions to old problems.



Dr. Becky also uses the example of visiting someone’s house who recently redecorated. “I go, ‘Oh, I love your house. Good job.’ It’s actually a conversation-ender,” Dr. Becky said. “But if instead I said, ‘How did you pick that color wall with that couch?’ You would, ‘Oh, okay, well let me tell you, and let me show you my Pinterest board,’ or whatever it was. And even if I never said a good job, I bet you would feel more lit up inside and almost better than if I had just ended the conversation that way.”

Ultimately, instilling confidence in children is about more than acknowledging the results of their actions. It’s about asking them to explain their process, curiosity, and effort. We can instill resilience and confidence by asking questions and allowing them to express their deeper connection to their work. There’s nothing wrong with praising a good job, but the real confidence building comes with a meaningful conversation about how they made it happen.

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