A young woman looking sad.
One of the biggest downsides of social media is that it paints a funhouse-mirror version of reality, because people tend to share things that make themselves look better. You never see a post about a car being repossessed or a child getting sent to the principal’s office. This gives many the false impression that everyone is doing better than they are.
Further, social media platforms such as Instagram feature an infinite scroll of influencers with incredible bodies, living unbelievable lives with perfect families for us to compare ourselves to. What they don’t tell us is just how much of this is done with smoke and mirrors.
“We’re all prone to comparing ourselves to others. But social media can heighten this tendency,” Michael Torres, a clinical psychologist at the Kaiser Permanente Oakland Medical Center, said. “For example, you look at other people’s posts and think: ‘I should be doing that. I should be living that life. I should be that happy. I should have that body. I should have that kind of family. I should have that many friends.’”
A woman looking sad holding her phone.via Canva/Photos
Studies show that women are more likely to be negatively affected by this type of negative comparison, and the more time people spend on social media, the more likely they are to have a poor body image.
Motivational speaker and life coach, Lucia Dramat, says we can overcome negative comparisons by trading them for curiosity.
How to trade comparison for curiosity
“So if you're faced with comparison, which is very normal because you live in a community. If you don't have any comparison, you're probably isolated and alone. So when you are faced with comparison, ask yourself questions. Start by becoming curious,” Dramat suggests. "Why is this bothering me? What does this awaken in me? Has it pointed me in a direction I need to stop moving into? And then allow yourself to grow in those areas and find the fulfillment you are looking for that you see in someone else."
How integrity can help us stop comparing ourselves
Emma McAdam, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says that overcoming the urge to compare yourself to others—whether in a positive or negative way—requires valuing your own sense of integrity more than the qualities that are making you judgmental.
“You are always worthwhile and valuable," she says. "And the goodness of your life depends on how closely you live your values. How much integrity do you have to what's important to you? So if you want to build a solid, secure sense of self, to do this, you've got to constantly shift your attention away from comparison to integrity.”
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McAdam suggests that when the urge to compare hits, we use it as an invitation to consider our own values.
“So when you catch yourself comparing, ask yourself: What does this say about what I really value?" McAdam says. "Do I like if you say, ‘Oh, she's so popular?’ Do I value getting a lot of people to like me, or do I actually value being confident internally? Do I value something external, like looking perfect all the time, or do I value getting physically healthy? Do I value tearing others down or building others up? So you shift your focus away from competition as your goal."
McAdam and Dramat both understand that social media is a big part of our lives, and for many, it’s too big an ask to stop using it altogether. But by taking comparison a step further and using it as an invitation to be curious about our fundamental values, we can turn a negative into a positive.