Two people arguing
We all know that person. The one who always has to be right, who can turn even the most innocuous disagreement into a never-ending debate, leaving you emotionally exhausted and wondering why you ever opened your mouth in the first place.
It could be a coworker, a friend, maybe even someone in our own family—and if we’re really honest with ourselves, perhaps we’re guilty of it too sometimes. But not as much as the other guy!
But here’s the good news: Dr. Jeff Bogaczyk, a communication expert who holds a Ph.D. in rhetoric (that’s literally the science of persuasion) says there’s actually a way to reach the know-it-alls in our life, all while maintaining your own peace.
It all starts with just three questions.
Don't waste your time arguing.
According to Dr. Bogaczyk, also known as MindForLife on TikTok, arguing with someone who's always right feels impossible because it is. Attempting to use logic and facts to persuade them is a fool’s errand because it doesn’t just challenge their opinion, it challenges their identity.”
A woman in flight-or-fight modePhoto credit: Canva
Numerous psychological studies have shown that criticisms of beliefs can feel like personal attacks, causing people to go into fight-or-flight mode. Logic shuts down, and defenses go up immediately because you’re no longer having a conversation. You’re thrust into battle.
The three questions that can turn a stalemate argument into an actual conversation
Dr. Bogaczyk suggests that instead of trying to win an argument, you ask questions that invite reflection. This can nudge folks out of that defensive, reactive part of the brain and into the calmer, more thoughtful part. From this place, they’re better able to listen.
Two men having a conversationPhoto credit: Canva
Here are his go-to questions:
1. “Is there anything that could actually change your mind?”
This question moves the conversation from confrontation to curiosity. It signals to the other person that they’re not under threat, leaving them far more likely to open up and inadvertently “give you back the key that might unlock their perspective.”
2. “If you were wrong, where would you be wrong?”
This question is admittedly more triggering, but that’s the point. It helps them see their argument as a structure that can be examined, not a fortress that must be defended.
3. “What do you think is the weakest part of your argument?”
Similarly, this question might cue some defensiveness. You might initially receive a response like, “There is no weakness.” However, Dr. Bogaczyk notes that gently guiding the thoughts back to simply reflecting on what could be the weakest part provides a potential opening for humility to slip through.
Why this works
As Dr. Bogaczyk puts it, these questions “disrupt the feedback loop” of defensiveness. They give people a chance to think rather than react. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to quiet down that lizard brain and bring empathy, logic, and higher reasoning back to the forefront. And that’s where real progress happens.
Of course, there will always be individuals for whom this strategy will not work. You can’t change everyone’s mind. But sometimes, it’s not truly about changing minds. It’s about maintaining our own energy even in the midst of conflict.
So the next time you find yourself in an argument that’s going nowhere, pause, take a breath, and ask a question.
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