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A guy having a collaborative conversation.

We live in an age of conflict. Sharp political and social divides are everywhere, and while it's easy to theoretically write off people who disagree with us on fundamental core issues and values, the reality is that we often must co-exist with them and learn to manage our conflicts in a healthy way. Sometimes that means putting aside our differences and "agreeing to disagree." Something it means hashing them out.

The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.

Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.

Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict. Not surprisingly, she's in high demand on news programs, conferences, and media summits these days.


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How to have a constructive conversation

Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.

The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”

It shows genuine curiosity in their point of view. That's critical to avoid someone shutting down on you.


conversation, arguments, communication tipsPeople coming to an agreement.Canva/Photos

When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.

It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.

Look out for signs of defensiveness like blaming, criticizing, making excuses, or being passive-aggressive. These are warning signals that your conversation is veering off the rails.

Phrases you can use to avoid an argument

The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”

Here are some other phrases you can use:

“I wonder if…”

“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”

“I might be wrong, but…”

“How funny! I had a different reaction…”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”

“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsTwo men high-fiving one another. \u200bvia Canva/Photos

What's the best way to disagree with people?

A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.

“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.

The key words are "willing" and "genuine." These phrases aren't magic bullets designed to help you level your opponents. You have to actually, truly be willing to learn about their perspective and be open to changing your mind.

@danbharris

Let me know in the comments if this data rings true to you and your experience of conflict. And check out danharris.com for more from Amanda Ripley including what she has to say about “conflict entrepreneurs,”people who inflame turmoil to benefit themselves. #conflict #healthyconflict #communication #tenpercenthappier #10percenthappier

Another common tip that usually comes from the world of couple's counseling is to stop seeing the other person as your adversary. If you can imagine the two of you on the same team versus the problem, your conversations will be more productive.

In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

A couple debates whether to name their baby Caeleigh.

There has been a significant change in how Americans name their children over the past few decades. Years ago, parents gave their children names that helped them fit in, and now they want them to have names that stand out.

Laura Wattenberg, founder of the naming trends site Namerology, told The Atlantic that in 1950 the percentage of babies born that received a common name was around 28%. However, in 2023, that number has dropped to just 7%.

“We are deep in an era of naming individuality, where parents assume that having a [name] sound distinctive and unique is a virtue,” Wattenberg told The Atlantic. The competition between parents to come up with unique names means that they risk giving their child one that’s so outlandish it could cause them trouble down the line.

Multiple studies show that having an unusual name can hamper a child’s economic and social prospects.

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A husband and wife at odds over a baby name

via Cottonboro Studio/Pexels

A father-to-be recently fought with his pregnant wife over what to name their daughter, and it sparked a good debate on Reddit. A user named NeverlyLane asked the AITA forum if he was wrong for rejecting his wife’s unusual name suggestions.

“I suggested my all-time favorite name, Anna. My wife suggested Caeleigh (pronounced Kailey, and yes, she spelled it out). I vetoed it,” the husband said.

“She suggested another name, Ryleigh (Riley, and again she did spell it out). I vetoed it and suggested Riley spelled the normal way. She refused. She then suggested Novalynn. I vetoed, suggesting Nora as an alternative. She again refused,” he continued.

The mother may be trying to be unique by coming up with names where the “ly” is replaced with “leigh,” but it’s a popular choice nowadays. Replacing “ly” with “leigh” is one of the biggest trends in baby names over the past few years.

baby names, couple fight, reddit

A couple fighting over a baby name

via Cottonboro Studios/Pexels

The mom-to-be couldn’t handle the rejection, so she lashed out at her husband. “What’s the point in talking about it if you veto all my choices, you controlling a**hole!” she said. “Maybe if you picked something normal, we might get somewhere, but you won’t even try to compromise!” the husband responded.

Looking to see if he was right, he posted about the exchange on Reddit, and just about everyone agreed with him.

"You’re doing your daughter a favor by vetoing these names," Cautious-Spited wrote. "Thank you for standing up for your unborn child. People should really stop naming their children traghedeighs and consider the fact that they will be adults one day," Reb-Lev added.

"You should suggest brockleigh," throwaway6827206t joked.

"Yeah, mom may never see it this way, but maybe if she can imagine being her kid and having to either explain how to pronounce or spell their name correctly over and over for their entire life—substitute teachers, doctor’s appointments, as an adult meeting with new clients/staff/customers EVERY SINGLE TIME…that’s not a burden you should put on your child for a first name just because you think it makes the name cooler," RavenWood_9 wrote.

The husband showed his wife the thread, and she agreed that her spellings were a little “out there.” The couple then compromised by choosing uncommon names with a history. “Anyway, we eventually decided on Reya Annaliese as our working first choice, with Mercy, Freya, and Eloise as our backups,” the husband wrote.