Woman shares the perfect response when a stranger asks to buy you a drink.
"Can I buy you a drink?" is a loaded question. It could be an innocent request from someone who's interested in having a cordial conversation. Other times, saying "yes" means you may have to fend off someone who feels entitled to spend the rest of the night with you.
In the worst-case scenario, someone is trying to take advantage of you or has a roofie in their pocket. It can extremely difficult for women, especially when under pressure to respond quickly, to suss out which is which.
Feminist blogger Jennifer Dziura found a fool-proof way to stay safe while understanding someone's intentions. It's not a snarky put-down or anything that will embarrass a man who approaches, but she says it instantly reveals their true intentions with incredible accuracy.
Dziura is a New York-based writer, educational humorist, educator and the founder of Get Bullish.
She says if a man asks if he can buy you a drink, to ask for a non-alcoholic beverage or food.
If they're sincerely interested in spending some time getting to know you, they won't mind buying something booze-free like a soda or a bowl of popcorn. But if they intend to lower your defenses, they'll throw a mild tantrum after you refuse the booze. Her thoughts on the "Can I buy you a drink?" conundrum made their way to Tumblr, where they went massively viral.
Jennifer Dzuria's Tumblr post on alcohol. via Tumblr
Notice it's not about the money. She's not asking men to buy her a burger and fries for $20, but something comparable to a drink, just without the alcohol.
She went on, recounting a few experiences of her own showing real-life examples of the technique in action.
Jennifer Dzuria's Tumblr post on alcohol. via Tumblr
The posts caught the attention of a bartender who knows there are many men out there whose sole intention is to get someone drunk to take advantage. The bartender replied in the comments:
"Most of the time, when someone you don't know is buying you a drink, they're NOT doing it out of a sense of cordiality," the bartender wrote. "They're buying you a drink for the sole purpose of making you let your guard down."
That's why Dziura's advice is so important, it separates the men who just want to get you drunk from those who want to get to know you. It'll also save you a lot of time from speaking with someone you don't want to in the first place.
The bartender shared a few tips on how to be safe and social when someone asks to buy you a drink.
"From the other side of the bar, I see this crap all the time. Seriously. I work at a high-density bar, and let me tell you, I have anywhere from 10-20 guys every night come up and tell me to, 'serve her a stronger drink, I'm trying to get lucky tonight, know what I mean?' usually accompanied with a wink and a gesture at a girl who, in my experience, is going to go from mildly buzzed to definitively hammered if I keep serving her. Now, I like to think I'm a responsible bartender, so I usually tell guys like that to piss off, and, if I can, try to tell the girl's more sober friends that they need to keep an eye on her.
Rule number one: Never accept a drink unless you saw a bartender pour it. Photo by Michael Discenza on Unsplash
The bartender expanded with a few safety rules he or she always encourages women, or anyone, to follow when out at a bar or club:
"1. ALWAYS GO TO THE BAR TO GET YOUR OWN DRINK, DO NOT LET STRANGERS CARRY YOUR DRINKS. This is an opportune time for dropping something into your cocktail, and you're none the wiser.
"2.IF YOU ORDER SOMETHING NON-ALCOHOLIC, I promise you, the bartender doesn't give two shits that you're not drinking cocktails with your friends, and often, totally understands that you don't want to let your guard down around strangers. Usually, you can just tell the bartender that you'd like something light, and that's a big clue to us that you're uncomfortable with whomever you're standing next to. Again, we see this all the time.
- X-rated (vodka liqueur) + Sprite
- Melon liquor + soda water
- Coffee liquor + soda water
- For anyone who likes the taste, light beers and seltzers (High Noon, White Claw) are extremely light and low-alcohol.
If you do accept a drink from someone at a bar and you want to talk, there's no need to feel obligated to spend the rest of the night with them.
Jaqueline Whitmore, founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach, says to be polite you only have to "Engage in some friendly chit-chat, but you are not obligated to do more than that." But what if you don't want to have a drink with the guy? "Say thank you, but you are trying to cut back, have to drive or you don't accept drinks from strangers," Whitmore says.
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What if they've already sent the drink over? "Give the drink to the bartender and tell him or her to enjoy it," Whitmore says.
Have fun. Stay safe, and make sure to bring a great wing-man or wing-woman with you.
This article originally appeared six years ago. It has been updated.