People say you must ask these 5 questions on a first date but experts disagree

Building a healthy, thriving, and intimate relationship seems to be easier for some than others. Some believe finding the perfect chemistry with a partner requires hard work, while others suggest it's as simple as going with the flow. But how do people even find a good starting point when pursuing a relationship?

Navigating a single life when someone is interested in finding a good partner can be complicated. Dating can seem like a job in itself. Knowing the right questions to ask can be important for good conversation, but is it also necessary in finding out if the other person is a good match? What people believe are the right questions might not actually align with what the experts suggest you should be asking.

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A recent Reddit thread on r/AskReddit posed an interesting question: "What questions should people ask within the first few dates, but don't?"

Redditors started sharing helpful questions that have worked for them. Studies suggest that professionals believe the questions are less important than the behaviors displayed. What exactly signals more reliable and healthy signs for a good connection between people?

These are the top five most important questions suggested by Redditors:

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What do you think about religion and politics?

Redditors seemed to really respond to this line of questioning. Getting the big beliefs out on the table appeared to be really important.

"Do you practice your religion and is it important that your partner is the same religion?"

"It baffles me that some people actively avoid this. Like wouldn't you want to k[n]ow these things?"

"Are you a Trump supporter?"

"I hate when some of them are hedging and not willing to answer the politics question or claim it's not important."

Belief systems are obviously very important to people. Experts don't deny it. But studies demonstrate that behaviors are actually the underlying connections that make good partnerships. A 2023 study in Springer Nature Link found that couples reporting higher satisfaction valued humor, appreciation, and receptive listening. Those are experiences and actions, not affiliations. Science says your ability to laugh with someone influences your relationship success more than your political party.

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Do you want children or not?

For many Redditors, this seemed like one of the most logical and important questions a couple could ask one another.

"I ask this before I even meet up for a first date. I don't care to waste my time or gas money."

"It's one of the very few things you can't compromise on, if you want kids, we're not gonna work out."

"I told a very close friend of mine that me and my now girlfriend had discussed if we wanted kids even before our first date, he said he thought that was kind of strange, I asked him if his girlfriend of 5 years wants kids and he said he wasn’t sure!"

"That’s a deal breaker. I know I don’t want them kids, but must know if the other person has them or wants to have them."

If one partner wants kids and the other partner doesn't, how can people make a relationship like that work? Studies suggest that kind of thought process is valid. However, the determining factors behind having kids are often more situational than a belief system. A 2024 study in BMC found that the factors most influencing couples' decision to have children were not their beliefs, but rather socioeconomic conditions, education, age, and duration of the relationship. Just because a person doesn't think they want kids, it can change based on evolving circumstances.

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Are you looking for a lifetime partner?

When looking to build a relationship, Redditors suggested that what type of relationship a person wants is important. One person might be looking for a quick fling while the other hopes to marry.

"This is a good one because some people want temporary serious relationships."

"If questions about intention of committing scares them off, there’s your answer."

"i always wonder how this works. if it’s serous and good, why cut it short"

"From my experience, most people (in my case, guys) do not answer this honestly if they're just in for a good time, not a long time. So, even if you ask the question, only time will tell if the answer was true or not."

It seems like a logical question, but will you actually get the truth? It's possible the person doesn't even know if they're answering correctly. What if their intention is short-term, but the relationship feels so good that they change to wanting a committed long-term relationship? A 2023 study in the National Library of Medicine looked at 1,345 young adult dating couples and found anxiety to be the determining factor in successful long-term attachments. Another interesting 2023 study by Cornell University suggested that the allocation of time was a determining factor for long-term success. Just because a person wants a certain type of relationship, behavioral actions and situations might actually be more influential in determining the outcome.

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Do you have a safe word?

Sex is most likely on most people's minds in some form or another when it comes to starting a relationship. Some can't get enough of it, others can take it or leave it. One of the main concerns around physical intimacy is the type of commitment. Do you intend to have sex with only me, or are we both looking to have multiple partners?

How important is physical attraction to you & does it affect your intimacy?

What are your kinks. It’s scary to admit what you’re into but it’s way better to do it early rather than later.

"sexual health, sexual orientation"

"Do you expect total monogamy in a relationship and do you want marriage?"

Getting an idea of the type of sexual relationship someone is seeking seems like an important question. What types of kinks do you have? Are we basically compatible with our sexual philosophies? However, studies suggest intimacy seems to be the driving factor behind successful relationships, not performative and physical numbers. A 2024 study in the National Library of Medicine found that daily emotional intimacy was the greatest predictor of sexual desire and satisfaction. A 2025 study in Springer Nature Link uncovered that overall relationship satisfaction was determined by agreement and intimacy. It wrote, "people placed more emphasis on traits that help avoid conflicts and strengthen the connection between partners, rather than on traits that refer to individualistic and hedonistic values such as sexuality and independence."

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How important and what is your relationship to money?

Financial success can vary greatly between people. Having excessive amounts of debt or high-paying jobs can influence dating habits. A 2025 study in PsyPost found it's not only the financial resources but actual beliefs about money that affect relationships.

"How you handle your finances."

"What’s your credit score?"

"Their shopping habits, a lot of addicts justify their decisions as self care."

"Wheres the money stashed?"

Is the amount of money earned or available between prospective partners a determining factor for future success? A 2025 survey by Lending Tree found that financial incompatibility was a major reason people leave relationships. Of those participating, 23% ended a relationship over finances. However, relationships can also improve financial outcomes. Pooled resources can elevate the opportunities available to both partners. A 2023 study reported by the American Psychological Association found that couples who merged their bank accounts reported higher levels of togetherness and fewer financial conflicts. Science suggests money matters, but mostly in how couples relate to money rather than how much they have of it.

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What do other experts think about all these questions?

Having similar beliefs and experiences is helpful when starting a relationship. "You're looking for a one-night stand," and "I want to get married" are probably not the perfect launching point between two people. However, many factors are even more important than the questions a person can ask on a first or second date. Ivy Ellis, a licensed mental health therapist, told Upworthy, "I would argue, though, that anyone can have a good answer to questions such as, 'Are you open to changing your opinion?," but it's their consistency and reliability in demonstrating this behavior that actually matters."

No matter what questions you've planned to protect yourself, life is a fluid and ever-evolving experience. Dr. Stefanie Mazer, a licensed psychologist in Wellington, Florida, writes, "Questions about values like religion or politics matter, but they don’t always reveal how two people will actually function together. The deeper questions are about communication, flexibility, and emotional honesty. How you handle conflict or express needs often determines long-term compatibility. Understanding how someone loves is just as important as what they believe."