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'Just be yourself' is actually terrible advice. Here are 4 ways to reframe authenticity.

For one, your "self" is always in flux.

advice, psychology, success, motivation, authenticity, identity, just be yourself, cnbc

Photo credit: Canva

What even is a self?

We’ve all heard it before, be it in a graduation speech, at the end of a Disney movie, or in one of our parent’s pep talks: “Just be yourself.” We’ve heard it so many times, in fact, that it’s pretty much accepted as the golden rule when it comes to winning at life.

And sure, there’s some wisdom to this, especially in the context of embracing your individual quirks…but that’s about where its usefulness ends.

For one thing, the “self” is in a constant state of flux. It changes according to time, place, what we’ve learned, who we’re around, our emotional state…the factors go on and on. And this is a good thing. It’s how we are able to evolve and grow.

Tilda Swinton, an actress known for being rather chameleonic, actually has an amazing keynote speech where she discusses the “overratedness” of a conforming to one identity, noting how it creates a painful, unnecessary “burden” when “life’s way too interesting” and we could be having much more fun “riding that horse all the way and enjoying all the different landscape it will take us on.”

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Secondly (and similarly), this “Just be yourself” adage promotes the idea that life is about “finding yourself” rather than “creating yourself.” One suggests that you have one fully formed, fixed identity that is lost to you, which can hopefully be recovered one day (often through an expensive seminar). But people often find much more intention, empowerment, and motivation by adopting a “create yourself” mindset. This strategy in turn can help people incorporate more nourishing habits because it makes the self a malleable, life-long project—and the owner of said identity is the artist behind it.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Lastly, as psychotherapist and author Britt Frank, LSCSW, SEP, wrote in an article for CNBC, “‘I’m just being myself’ can be an excuse for poor behavior.” Rather than working on emotional regularity and being considerate of one’s affect on others, someone might engage in reactive, unhelpful behavior in the name of authenticity…which doesn’t necessarily lead to success.

To that end, Frank suggests that rather than “just being yourself,” people should focus on these four things:

1. Allow for a “variety pack” of selves

Because you contain multitudes, and flexibility often beats out rigidity in the long run.

2. Listen to each of those selves

More likely than not, it’ll show you how to actually show up in a way that aligns with your values.

3. Remember that “real” is overrated

You can be aware of all the different parts of yourself longing to express themselves, but at the end of the day, you have the power to choose which one gets to speak up.

4. Prioritize responsibility over authenticity

This is how you build trust, rather than unnecessary conflict.

advice, psychology, success, motivation, authenticity, identity, just be yourself, cnbc Trust can take you further than saying anything that comes to mind. Photo credit: Canva

In many ways, there is more success to be had in getting clear about the “best version of yourself” in any given situation and acting accordingly, rather than settling for an identity that doesn't allow room for growth, experimentation, or compassion. But either way, the choice is yours.

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7 'old people' sayings that are actually solid life advice at every age

"Make all your words sweet because tomorrow you may have to eat them."

Photo credit: Canva

Elder wisdom can come in handy.

With age comes wisdom, or at least we hope it does. As we get older, we collect life lessons that we can pass along to younger generations, sometimes with lengthy stories and sometimes with quippy sayings.

Adages like "A penny saved is a penny earned," or "Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise," have been part of our collective treasure chest of life advice for generations, but the aphorisms that spring from the experience of our loved ones and mentors are often the most meaningful.

Someone shared that they'd read and appreciated this old man's advice: “My grandpa once told me 'if you get on the wrong train, get off at the nearest station, the longer it takes you to get off, the more expensive the return trip will be.' He wasn’t talking about trains.” The person asked for more tidbits of wisdom from old folks and people started sharing sayings they heard from their elders growing up.

from AskOldPeopleAdvice

Here are some of the best "old man advice" sayings and how they can be applied in a person's life.

"You might miss what’s ahead of you if you keep concentrating on what’s in the rear view mirror."

Another commenter put it another way: "Don't look behind you, you aren't going that way." This adage is about not dwelling on the past. Many of us have a tendency to spend more time mentally in the past, rehashing old memories or being nostalgic for what once was, than we do in the present or looking forward to the future. There's nothing wrong with a little reflection, but if most of our focus is in the past, we miss out on the present. Rear view mirrors are for quick glances, not where our focus should be.

"Do the right thing, even if nobody is watching."

This saying is about good character and true integrity. If you notice someone drop a $20 bill and no one is around to see but you, do you give it back to them or do you pick it up and keep it? If you realize that a store didn't charge you for an item, do you point it out and make it right or do you allow the mistake to remain? There are opportunities each day for us to choose between right and wrong, and those choices really speak to who we are if they are made without anyone else knowing.

integrity, right, wrong, right thing, doing good lisa simpson help GIF Giphy

"Be nice to everybody you meet on the way up the ladder. You'll see the same faces on the way down "

Don't get cocky and don't burn bridges you think you won't need to return to. There's value in being kind for its own sake, but there's also the reality that being kind also makes people like you. When people like you, they're more likely to lend you a helping hand, and you never know when you're going to be in a position to need one. It's also a good reminder that you're not inherently better than anyone else just because of where you are in life. We're all constantly in flux, so it's important to stay humble and kind.

In other words, "Make all your words sweet because tomorrow you may have to eat them."

"One of the most powerful negotiating tools is silence."

The power of silence in general is often underrated, but it can be an especially useful tool in a negotiation. Some people are so uncomfortable with silence that they will make concessions simply to avoid it. And sometimes the best response to an unreasonable demand is to just say nothing and stare, letting the other party come to the realization themselves. It takes calm confidence to simply be quiet and let the silence fill the room, which can feel surprisingly intimidating.

"Always listen to your gut, even if you can’t explain it."

Ah, the strange and mysterious sense of intuition that we can't really describe but know when we feel it. Whether it's getting a creepy vibe about a person or a little voice telling you to do or not do something, those "gut instincts" can serve us well. Of course, if we are prone to anxiety, our instincts can sometimes be confused with anxious thoughts, but "go with your gut" is solid advice anyway.

gut feeling, listen to your gut, go with your gut, intuition, discernment Listen To It Season 1 GIF by The Roku Channel Giphy

“It doesn’t matter what path you’re on if it’s the wrong mountain.”

Sometimes people trying to find their way end up hitting roadblock after roadblock, which may mean they just haven't found the right path yet or might mean they need an entire overhaul of their life. That might look like switching career paths entirely, rather than trying to find a job in your field that fits. It might mean changing majors in the middle of your studies when you find yourself not enjoying any of your classes. It might mean finding a new community or reevaluating your relationships.

"The harder I work, the luckier I get."

Several sayings line up with this one, like "Luck is the intersection of preparation and opportunity," and "Luck favors the prepared mind." There's a lot to be said for fortune and hard work going hand in hand. If we expect good things to just land in our lap, we will likely be disappointed, but if we move in the direction of things we want to happen and do the work of preparing for good things to come our way, "luck" frequently seems to follow.

luck, hard work, lucky, good luck, napoleon dynamite Napoleon Dynamite GIF by Ben L Giphy

Finding a saying that resonates can be really helpful when we're facing a specific challenge in life, especially when we commit it to memory and repeat it often.

This article originally appeared in March.

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Millennials are growing concerned about their Boomer parents being glued to their phones

"For some reason they’re both acting like me when I was 20…"

Images via Canva

Millennials are fed up with their Boomer parents always being on their phones.

Millennials have never shied away from sharing their feelings about their Boomer parents (and their grandparenting abilities) on the Internet. Millennials are once again uniting to discuss a similar observation about their Boomer parents' frustrating phone use.

On Reddit in a thread generational differences, Millennial member Old-Beautiful-3971 shared their frustrating experience with their Boomer parents who are perpetually on their phones.

"My parents are on the very young end of being 'boomers'. For some reason they’re both acting like me when I was 20… that is to say, gluuuued to their phones," they wrote. "I tried to have an important conversation with my dad this morning and he did not once look up (and I’m certain he was scrolling through Instagram videos)."

phone, boomer, boomer phone, phones, phone habits Self Portrait Reaction GIF by The Garcías Giphy

They went on to add, "The only difference is that when I was 20 he could, and would often say 'Look at me when I’m talking to you. Put that thing away.' But if I said that to him now he’d get defensive and probably yell at me for being disrespectful. What the heck??? 😤"

The passionate post got a rousing response from fellow Millennials who have experienced the same thing with their Boomer parents.

"I have noticed it too and it makes me feel even weirder for having developed in the habit of flipping my phone face-down with my hands folded on top of it to let the person know that I'm listening for that they have my attention," one commented. "And to think that it's coming from the generation that tells everybody else that phones and TV will rot your brains."

phone, no phones, phone gif, boomer phone, parents phone Turn It Off Reaction GIF by Robert E Blackmon Giphy

Another shared, "My parents are visiting me right now. My dad is glued to his phone, even at the table during meals. Never once participating in the conversation except to point at the salt. This is the same man who would have screamed at me for bringing a book to the dinner table."

Others could commiserate about the role-reversal. "I've noticed this with my parents. It seems like I've switched places with them. I'm trying to use the online world less where as they are using it more and more," one commented.

Some Millennials noted that their Boomer parents' phone use has impacted other activities they attempt to do together. "It’s become so difficult to watch a movie with my parents. I tell them to put away their phone. Sometimes movies take two days to finish," another shared.

phone down, put phone away, put away phone, phone addiction, no phones Creators Club Phone Addiction GIF by Dylan McKeever Giphy

Many Millennials also shared how they communicate with their parents when they notice it. "I am witnessing that as well, my boomer mom and my almost gen z brother visit and they are both glued to their phones. I try and ask if they can put them away because I don't like my little son to see people like that. I do scroll but never when I am with him," one Millennial shared.

Another added, "I stopped visiting my boomer mom for awhile. I told her to her face that I couldn’t stand the fact that I took the time to drive to her, which I really hate driving, it scares me and I’m not very good at it, and spend MY time with her only for her to be on her phone most of that time. I stopped calling her too because of all the times she’d put me on hold to take another call and then tell me that she’d have to call me back, but she never did. I still rarely call her. I just text so it’s less intrusive and hurtful for me. Now when I visit, her and her husband stay off their phones. They turn the TV down and only put quiet music on instead of blaring whatever crap they were watching. I did thank them for it."

no phone, no phones, phones away, put phone down, boomer phone Chicago Pd Nbc GIF by One Chicago Giphy

However, a Gen Z commentor was quick to point out that Gen X is guilty of the same habit. "My gen x parents are hella addicted to their phones (I’m 22 for context)," they wrote. "I’m not saying i’m not, but it’s really hypocritical when they’ll be bitching at me about 'playing on my phone too much' when they’re literal ipad kids lol. the reality is, screens and social media are addicting to ANYONE, regardless of age."

Other Millennials pointed out that it's not just certain generations that are addicted to their phones. "I’m guilty of it as well. Everyone is at risk of screen addiction in this era," another noted. And another Millennial quipped, "Phones are addictive, that doesn’t just like go away with oldness 🤣."

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Popular

I showed my Gen Z kids 'Dead Poets Society' and their angry reactions to it floored me

"Inspiring" apparently means different things to Gen X and Gen Z.

Rotten Tomatoes Classic Trailers/YouTube

Robin Williams played inspiring English teacher John Keating in "Dead Poets Society."

As a Gen X parent of Gen Z teens and young adults, I'm used to cringing at things from 80s and 90s movies that haven't aged well. However, a beloved film from my youth that I thought they'd love, "Dead Poets Society," sparked some unexpectedly negative responses in my kids, shining a spotlight on generational differences I didn't even know existed.

I probably watched "Dead Poets Society" a dozen or more times as a teen and young adult, always finding it aesthetically beautiful, tragically sad, and profoundly inspiring. That film was one of the reasons I decided to become an English teacher, inspired as I was by Robin Williams' portrayal of the passionately unconventional English teacher, John Keating.

— (@)

The way Mr. Keating shared his love of beauty and poetry with a class of high school boys at a stuffy prep school, encouraging them to "seize the day" and "suck all the marrow out of life," hit me right in my idealistic youthful heart. And when those boys stood up on their desks for him at the end of the film, defying the headmaster who held their futures in his hands? What a moving moment of triumph and support.

My Gen Z kids, however, saw the ending differently. They did love the feel of the film, which I expected with its warm, cozy, comforting vibe (at least up until the last 20 minutes or so). They loved Mr. Keating, because how can you not? But when the movie ended, I was taken aback hearing "That was terrible!" and "Why would you traumatize me like that?" before they also admitted, "But it was so gooood!"

- YouTube youtu.be

The traumatize part I actually get—I'd forgotten just how incredibly heavy the film gets all of a sudden. (A caveat I feel the need to add here: Gen Z uses the word "traumatize" not in a clinical sense but as an exaggerative term for being hit unexpectedly by something sad or disturbing. They know they weren't literally traumatized by the movie.)

But in discussing it further, I discovered three main generational differences that impacted my kids' "Dead Poets Society" viewing experience and what they took away from it.

1) Gen Z sees inspiring change through a systemic lens, not an individual one

The first thing my 20-year-old said when the credits rolled was, "What? That's terrible! Nothing changed! He got fired and the school is still run by a bunch of stodgy old white men forcing everyone to conform!" My immediate response was, "Yeah, but he changed those boys' individual lives, didn't he? He helped broaden their minds and see the world differently."

o captain my captain, dead poets society Individual impact isn't as inspiring to Gen Z as it was to Gen X. Giphy

I realized that Gen X youth valued individuals going against the old, outdated system and doing their own thing, whereas Gen Z values the dismantling of the system itself. For Gen X, Mr. Keating and the boys taking a stand was inspiring, but the fact that it didn't actually change anything outside of their own individual experiences stuck like a needle in my Gen Z kids' craw.

2) Gen Z isn't accustomed to being blindsided by tragic storylines with no warning

To be fair, I did tell them there was "a sad part" before the movie started. But I'd forgotten how deeply devastating the last part of the movie was, so my daughter's "Why would you do that to me?!" was somewhat warranted. "I thought maybe a dog would die or something!" she said. No one really expected one of the main characters to die by suicide and the beloved teacher protagonist to be blamed for his death, but I'd somehow minimized the tragedy of it all in my memory so my "sad part" warning was a little insufficient.

— (@)

But also to be fair, Gen X youth never got any such warnings—we were just blindsided by tragic plot twists all the time. As kids, we cheered on Atreyu trying to save his horse from the swamp in "The Neverending Story" only to watch him drown. Adults showed us "Watership Down" thinking it would be a cute little animated film about bunnies. We were slapped in the face by the tragic child death in "My Girl," which was marketed as a sweet coming of age movie.

Gen Z was raised in the era of trigger warnings and trauma-informed practices, while Gen X kids watched a teacher die on live TV in our classrooms with zero follow-up on how we were processing it. Those differences became apparent real quick at the end of this movie.

The Never Ending Story Atreyu GIFfrom The Never Ending Story GIFs

3) Gen Z fixates on boundary-crossing behavior that Gen X either overlooked or saw as more nuanced

The other reaction I wasn't expecting was the utter disdain my girls showed for Knox Overstreet, the sweet-but-over-eager character who fell for the football player's cheerleader girlfriend. His boundary-crossing attempts to woo her were always cringe, but for Gen X, cringe behavior in the name of love was generally either overlooked, tolerated, or sometimes even celebrated. (Standing on a girl's lawn in the middle of the night holding a full-volume stereo over your head was peak romance for Gen X, remember.) For Gen Z, the only thing worse than cringe is predatory behavior, which Knox's obsessiveness and pushiness could arguably be seen as. My own young Gen X lens saw Knox and said, "That's a bit much, dude. Take it down a notch or three." My Gen Z daughters' lens said, "That guy's a total creepo. She needs to run far the other way."

run, red flag behavior Gen Z is much more black and white about behaviors than previous generations. Giphy Red Flag Run GIF by BuzzFeed

On one hand, I was proud of them for recognizing red flag behaviors and calling them out. On the other hand, I saw how little room there is for nuance in their perceptions, which was…interesting.

To be clear, I don't think my Gen Z kids' reactions to "Dead Poets Society" are wrong; they're just different than mine were at their age. We're usually on the same page when it comes to these kinds of analyses, so seeing them have a drastically different reaction to something I loved at their age was really something. Now I'm wondering what other favorite movies from my youth I should show them to see if they view those differently as well—hopefully without "traumatizing" them too much with the experience.

This article originally appeared in January.

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Girls give the 'fear my father' trope a wholesome twist with adorably dorky dad reveals

He's not mad, he's just disappointed.

Canva Photos

Girls are "warning" guys not to get on their dad's bad side, with a wholesome twist.

We all know the stereotype: there's the beautiful girl with no shortage of suitors, but there's just one problem—her dad is a menace. He's large, burly, cold as ice, and usually sitting on the front porch with a shotgun. If you want to date her, you better be ready to impress him (and he's impossible to impress). Worse, if you hurt her, he'll hurt you even more.

It's a common trope seen in movies, TV shows, and country songs. And while, as a dad myself, I respect being protective of our daughters in a world that can be really dangerous for them, the stereotype and attitude behind it probably does more harm than good.

Luckily, a new viral trend is putting a wholesome twist on the "fear my father" trope, and people are gobbling it up.

Girls on TikTok and Instagram are making videos warning anyone who might hurt them that they'll have to deal with Dad. Tense hip-hop music sets up the dramatic reveal of these intimidating father figures, only...they're all the sweetest, most lovable dorky dads you ever did see.

In Madeleine Byrne's take on the trend, she reveals her sweater-wearing father as he giddily discusses all the things he loves about shopping at Costco. Watch out, bad boys!

"Stay away if you hate a good deal i guess," she joked.

@madeleinebyrnee
Stay away if you hate a good deal i guess

User Jackie McLoon ups the ante, showing off not one, but two threatening dads. They're promptly shown dancing around, wearing silly outfits, and even blowing bubbles outside for fun. Scary!

"mess with me I dare you," McLoon writes.

@loonymcloony
mess with me I dare you. #lgbtq #fyp

Definitely don't mess with Eunice Cycle, whose dad will make you a mean cup of his famous Chinese soup.

Cycle loves to torture her adorable dad with these videos. In another, she teases, "Cheat on me? This is my dad," to which he responds with a peace sign, a laugh, and a "Yes, cheat on me, too."

Oh, Dad. Never change.

@eunice.cycle
TikTok · Eunice Cycle🧋

In another spin on the meme, a girl reveals her smiling dad dancing goofily in an apron. Yep, definitely don't want to mess with her! If only because you could never live with yourself if you broke her sweet father's heart.

@sweetmemesaremadeofgeese
#meme #memes #funny #funnyvideos #dad #daughter #cheat #cheater

The trend has been going strong for five years now, evolving slowly over time. By now there are hundreds of videos of girls and women doing their own take on the joke, and commenters continue to eat it up.

"having a dad like this was my dream growing up.," one commenter wrote about Madeleine Byrne's Costco-loving father.

"They will hit ya with 'I’m not mad, just disappointed' and we all know that hurts the worst," someone wrote about Jackie McLoon's double dads.

"your dads the loveliest man ever i would never mess with you for fear that it would upset him," a commenter told Eunice Cycle about her soup connoisseur dad.

The violent and threatening overprotective father archetype comes from a place of love, really, but it's really not the best template for what a positive male role model should look like.

I mean, who wouldn't be worried for their daughter in a world where domestic violence, sexual assault, and even infidelity are so prevalent?

But the answer to that violence is not more violence. Worse, the looming, terrifying father trope infantilizes woman and suggests they can't be trusted to make their own decisions. It treats them like property, something to be guarded and given away by men. And, believe it or not, it unnecessarily demonizes young boys and men.

Truth be told, there are other and better ways to protect your daughter. The dads in these videos may not be physically imposing or even have a mean bone in their bodies, but making your girls feel safe and loved, modeling gentle and positive masculinity, and being an active and affectionate presence in their lives—now that's how it's done!

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Education & Information

Who decided a generation lasts 15 years and why are we so obsessed with them?

"There are four generations that recur during each historical period."

Canva

Phones through different generations.

People often like to categorize themselves into teams. Astrology might say, "You're SUCH a Scorpio, and that makes my Virgo rising sign crazy." Or people rely on the Myers-Briggs personality tests wherein people lump themselves into one of 16 personality types, based loosely on Jungian psychological archetypes. But one of the most popular ways humans differentiate themselves is by generation.

It's difficult to completely generalize a group of people, roughly born in the same 15 year time period. Yet, the external zeitgeist that those people were born into does often yield similarities in their overall vibe. But who came up with the idea and why is it contained (roughly) to 15 years?

Many historians and philosophers in centuries past used the term to describe familial units, (like fathers and sons.) Historian Robert Wohl wrote in his book Generation of 1914 that in 1863, "French lexicographer Emile Littré defined a generation as 'all men living more or less in the same time.' In the second half of the nineteenth century, the term was employed increasingly to connote coevals, and especially to evoke the dichotomy between the older generation and "youth.'"

An older person discusses younger generations. www.youtube.com, ABC Education

An article written just after Gen Z gave up their proverbial generational crown goes even deeper into why the concept of modern generations even came about in the first place. Senior editor Sarah Laskow writes for The Atlantic, "The roots of this idea came from the work of French and German philosophers who were, the sociologist Karl Mannheim wrote in 1927, 'anxious to find a general law to express the rhythm of historical development, based on the biological law of the limited life-times of man.'"

The rhythm of historical development. That—and/or marketing. Australian data scientists at McCrindle Research note, "Today, the sociological definition of a generation spanning 15 years is widely recognised. This allows for an organised way of defining each generation, rather than waiting for an event or unexpected situation to end a generation or start a new one. It defines exactly when a generation starts and ends. It enables planning for the future and comparing across the generations more accurately."

Also, it can just be fun to think about. On the Gen Z subreddit, someone poses this very question: "Why is everyone so obsessed with concept of 'generations?'" There are over 300 comments with thoughts and theories.

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This Redditor writes, "Humans naturally like to form cliques to feel special or like they’re fitting in or whatever (even though everyone would easily fit in if nobody formed cliques); at the end of the day, we’re just slightly more intelligent apes."

Another seconds this notion: "Because we’re human, and humans love categorising things. We do it with everything. Race, sexual orientation, sex, gender, personality type, everything. I suspect it’s likely due to the more tribalistic aspects we still have to this day."

One person theorizes, "I'm Gen X, been reading the fourth turning is here which describes historical cycles which are made up of generational cycles. There are 4 generations that recur during each historical period. Turns out GenX and GenZ have opposite values, much like Boomers & millennials. It seems like we all move back and forth between individualism & collective, private & public, trust & distrust of institutions, etc. It's a really fascinating framework"

generations, boomers, gen x, millennials, gen z Legacy Ecology GIF by ELMØ Giphy

This commenter gave our obsessive need to categorize a positive spin: " Because as you get older you have nostalgia for the memories that were specific to you and people in your age group. And you’ll notice some shared cultural things between different age groups. It’s not as black and white as the broad categories but it’s a short hand to talk about shared experiences and also differences you have with others."

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generational differences