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Joy

What it's like for a man to share his feelings every day for a week.

For a week, I decided that when strangers asked how I was doing, I'd actually tell them. Here's what happened.

masculinity
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Men can learn how to share what they're feeling.

We all know that phrases like “How's it going?” and “How are you?” are mostly pleasantries.

It's just how we say "Hello." You're not expected to answer any more than the person asking is expected to care.

But every once in a while, someone will surprise you. You'll toss out a casual and totally insincere “How are you?” and the floodgates will open out of nowhere. “I've had the WORST DAY,” they'll say.


I've always secretly envied people who can open up on a whim like that. It seems weirdly fun. And there might be a lot of psychological benefits to it.

So I tried it. For a week, I decided that when strangers asked how I was doing, I'd actually tell them.

But before I could start, a pretty important question occurred to me: Would I even know what to say? After all, I am a dude, and everyone knows dudes aren't always super in touch with how we're feeling.

Ronald Levant, a professor of counseling psychology at Akron University, told me a story about a man he once treated early in his career that sums up this whole thing pretty nicely:

“[He] came in complaining about how his son had stood him up for a father son hockey game. Being relatively naive back then, I said, 'So, how did you feel about that?' His answer was 'Well, he shouldn't have done it!' I said again, 'Yeah, he shouldn't have done it, but how did you feel?'
“He just looked at me blankly.”

Levant recalled similar sessions where women, by contrast, were able to walk him — in detail — through their emotional reaction to a situation: how anger turned to disappointment turned to worry, and so on.

“Among the men I was treating or working with there was a singular inability for many of them to put their emotions into words,” Levant said.

As part of my project, I wanted to test Levant's theory, to see what it would be like to, you know, actually try to express my feelings. As the king of non-answers, deflection, and “I'm fine, how are you?” I wanted to know what it would be like to talk about me.

It turned out to be much less simple than I thought.

grocery, enthusiastic conversation, strangers

Getting engaged and talking with other people throughout the day.

Photo by Blake Wisz on Unsplash

Day One

I was on my way to my daughter's daycare to drop off more diapers, and I was trying to think about how I felt at that specific moment. It was a beautiful sunny day. There was a guy on the sidewalk walking three huge, puffy dogs. It made me laugh.The day had been a bit of a rollercoaster. My 1-year-old daughter woke up all smiles. But by the end of breakfast, she had collapsed into an inconsolable heap of tears, and that was how she left the house that day: wailing in the backseat of my wife's car. When I arrived at daycare, though, she ran to me and leapt into my arms. She laid her head on my chest and giggled as she stared into my eyes. It was a total turnaround and a wonderful midday boost to my mood.

On my way home, I stopped off at a grocery store to grab an energy drink and, potentially, to share this happy moment with a stranger.

I chose the line manned by a fast-talking, bubbly woman. And when I got to the front, she teed me up perfectly with a sincere: “How are you?”

“Hey, I'm good!” I said enthusiastically. In the next instant, though, she was onto other things. “Ma'am?” she yelled to a wandering woman behind me. “I can ring you up over here.”

Her attention swung back to me, but almost immediately, she was telling me my total. “That'll be $2.03.”

The transaction moved at hyper-speed. The moment was gone. As I shuffled for my wallet, I considered just blurting it out anyway, “I just visited my daughter at daycare and she was so happy to see me and it was the freaking best!”

But a voice popped up in my head, and I couldn’t shake it: She's not going to care. Why would she care?

So I said nothing, paid, and went home.

To understand why men and women often handle feelings differently, we have to look at society first.

I can't help but think my wife would have had no trouble talking to the woman in the store. Why is it harder for me then? Are we wired differently? Is it a brain thing? A hormone thing?

Apparently, in the 1980s and '90s, researchers had something of a breakthrough on this question. They became “stimulated by this idea that gender was something that was socially determined,” Levant explained. He noted that boys were being socialized differently than girls were, and it was making a big difference for them down the road.

In a TEDx Talk called “Unmasking Masculinity” Ryan McKelley, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin La Crosse, echoed similar findings from his research.

First, he learned that infant and young boys surprisingly displayed more intensity and range of emotion than their female counterparts. “But that story starts to change over time,” he said.

Second, he looked at a series of studies polling men and women in America, which asked people to generate a list of emotions that are “culturally acceptable” for each sex. While the study found that women felt “allowed” to display nearly the entire emotional spectrum, men seemed to be limited to three primary feelings: anger, contempt, and pride.

But despite all these cultural “requirements” about emotion, it turns out that our brains aren't processing things all that differently. McKelley says if you hook men and women up to equipment that measures things like heart rate, skin conductance, sweat, and breath rate, and then expose them to stimuli that can provoke strong emotions, “these gender differences disappear.”

“I do not deny there are biological differences,” McKelly told me in an interview. “However, the degree to which it influences all that other stuff, I believe, is overblown.”

My learning after talking to these researchers? Men DO feel feelings (yay!) but society isn’t doing us any favors when it comes to helping us learn how to express them.

Day Two

I was sitting in the sweltering parking lot outside a Home Depot when I decided I was going to do better than the day before.

I walked inside and stood in line at the customer service counter for what felt like an eternity. Finally, one of the tellers called me up. She had a shock of white curly hair and kind eyes. A grandmotherly type. “How can I help you?” she asked. Not the exact question I wanted, but we'll see where it goes. “I have some returns,” I said.

I decided I was going to do better today.

We launched right into the specifics of what I was returning and why, and it was looking like I was about to strike out again. The transaction took a while so there was ample space to fill. Since she hadn’t asked me about my day, I took the initiative while she tapped impatient fingers along her computer waiting for it to load.

“How's your day going so far?” I asked. She went on to tell me about how a big storm that rolled through nearly knocked out the store's power and how the computers had been acting up ever since. “My day was going great until this!” she said playfully.

In my eagerness to share, I'd accidentally stumbled into a pretty pleasant conversation with a stranger. OK, so it was about computers and the weather, but it sure beats an awkward silence. She never did ask me how I was doing, and that's OK.

But it did make me realize that talking about your own feelings is pretty damn hard, even when you're going out of your way to try.

rainy day, gray, feeling depressed, shame

A rainy day affects the human experience and emotional state.

Photo by Raimond Klavins on Unsplash

Day Three

Day three was tough. Outside it was gray and dreary and inside I felt about the same. Flat. Gray.

I was having trouble identifying the root of why I felt so, for lack of a better word, “blah,” so I Googled “how to find out what you're feeling,” like I was some sort of robot trying to understand the human experience. “Pay attention to your physiology,” one article said. I felt totally normal and my heart rate was an unremarkable 80. What does that mean?

“Don't think about it too much,” another article said. Well, shit.

As I read on about meditation and mindfulness and things of that sort, I started to get a little nervous. “What if I get too in touch with my emotions?” There's something comforting about being a reasonably even-keeled guy without a lot of emotional highs and lows. I don't want to go digging in the darkest recesses of my subconscious and unlock some terrible shit.

Apparently a lot of men feel like this.

McKelley described one man he treated who had severe anger issues and wasn't exactly open to talking about his problems: “I asked him, 'What do you find so subversive about crying?' He said, 'If I start, I'm afraid I'm going to curl up in a fetal position and never be able to stop.'”

I thought a little too much about this and decided I had to get out of the house.

I don't want to go digging in the darkest recesses of my subconscious and unlock some terrible shit.

I headed out to grab a coffee at a local establishment (OK, it was a McDonald's, but I really don't need your judgment right now). There was a young, freckle-faced girl working the counter. She was probably 19. When it was my turn, she gave me a shy “Hello.”

“How are you?” I started. “Good. How are you?” she responded, on cue.

Since I hadn’t had any major emotional breakthroughs at that point, I just ... told her the truth. “I just had to get out of the house a little bit. It's so gray and crappy today and I just needed a break. You know?”

She gave me possibly the blankest stare I had ever seen in my life. I quickly filled the silence with my order — a large iced coffee. To go.

The more I learn, the more I realize there is so much more to this whole emotions thing than just “opening up.”

By the third day, I’d learned that men definitely feel things. Lots of things. But it's what happens before those feelings bubble to the surface that accounts for the myth that dudes don’t have any emotions at all.

Think of it this way: Almost every single day, you take the same route driving home from work. And while driving is usually a conscious process that takes a lot of focus and effort, you could probably make that super-familiar drive home from work with barely any involvement from your brain at all. We sometimes call this “going on autopilot.” It’s the same way with breathing or blinking. Sure, you can control them if you want, but more often than not, they’re totally automatic.

And I've learned that it can be the same thing with suppressing emotions. For years and years, most men have been trained not to give any indication that we might be scared or lonely or nervous, and we push it down. If we do that enough, it can start to seem like we don’t feel those feelings at all.

It's what happens before those feelings bubble to the surface that accounts for the myth that dudes don't have any emotions at all.

McKelley expands on this idea in his TEDx Talk when he talks about the “male emotional funnel system.” Basically, he says all those emotions men might feel that make them vulnerable or that make them subject to judgment, or even being outcast, by their peers are transformed into anger, aggression, or silence. It's how we avoid ridicule.

It's how we survive.

But over time, not only do we lose the ability to understand our own true emotions — the emotions behind the anger or silence — but we get worse at figuring out and empathizing with what others are feeling too.

When it comes to emotional fluency, McKelley said, “it's like speaking a foreign language. If you don't use it, you lose it. It's something you have to practice.”

Day Four

When I went to bed the previous night, the country was heartbroken over the death of Alton Sterling. When I woke up, we were heartbroken over the death of Philando Castile. Two black men dead at the hands of police within 48 hours.

But as devastated as I was, life goes on — right? I had work to do and, later, errands. In fact, we needed more diapers.

But the shootings were the only thing on my mind all day.

When I reached the cashier at the Walgreens down the street from my house, a small pack of size-five Pampers clutched to my side, I saw she was a young black girl. She asked how I was doing. And I told her, with all honesty, that I was sad.

We talked briefly about the news. She'd been at work and hadn’t heard much about Philando Castile yet. We paused so I could enter my phone number for reward points. There were no tears or hugs or anything like that — after all, we were standing at the front of a Walgreens and people were starting to form a line behind me.

She asked how I was doing. And I told her, with all honesty, that I was sad.

When I left, I don't know if I felt any better. But I certainly didn’t feel worse. And talking to a real live human being about an awful tragedy felt a lot more meaningful than reading Facebook comments and Tweets.

So, on an awful, terrible, no-good day, I guess that was something.

While I worked on this project, I often wondered why all of this mattered. Do I really need to tell people what I’m feeling all the time?

And then I thought about our nation, and all the tragedies that we hear about on the news every day.

I thought about the 100 million men in America who, to varying degrees, have had their ability to empathize with the emotions of others slowly eroded over time because society tells them they cannot be vulnerable. I thought about the creep on the street chatting up a woman who clearly, visibly wants nothing to do with him. I thought about the catcallers who seem to be convinced they are paying women a compliment and are oblivious to how uncomfortable, even afraid, they're making them.

I thought of the millions of men in America being conditioned from an early age to turn fear, helplessness, loneliness, shame, and guilt into two things: anger and aggression. I thought of the 80-plus mass shootings in America since 1982 and how almost all of them were committed by men. I thought about how many of those men might have been bullied, hurt, shamed, or humiliated and, perhaps, could think of no other outlet for those feelings than the barrel of a gun.

I thought about the millions of men in America who will never harm another person, but might funnel that anger and aggression inwards through alcohol or drug abuse or worse, with three and a half times more men dying by suicide than women.

To be extremely clear: There is no excuse for hurting another person, whether through harassment, rape, abuse, or gun violence. But when we talk about providing better mental health services in our country, maybe we ought to make sure we're thinking of the next generation of otherwise healthy boys who need guidance about what to do with their emotions.

“If we're not allowed to talk about [shame], we're not allowed to express it, we're not allowed to admit we're experiencing it. And then you surround it with exposure to violence and seeing it modeled as a way to solve problems,” McKelley told me. “But women are bathed in the same violent cultural forces, so what's the difference?”

“Until we can figure out a better way socially to help boys and men navigate feelings of shame, we're going to continue to have problems.”

As bad as all the research sounds, there IS some good news.

intimacy, honesty, emotional intelligence, terrifying, men

Giving self reflection and intimacy a real shot.

Photo by Suzana Sousa on Unsplash

My best advice for how all of the men I know can figure out what their feelings are? Give it a shot.

Many of us are risk-takers. We go skydiving, wakeboarding, speedboating, or even shopping-cart-riding (full-speed into a thorn bush on a rowdy Saturday night, amiright?).

But we won’t tell our best friend that we love them.

“The irony is men repeatedly score higher than women on average in risk-taking behaviors. And yet we won't take those types of risks. Those emotional risks are terrifying for a lot of men. That’s probably the one thing at the end of the day that I suggest guys do,” McKelley said.

It might not always work out, but more often than not, he says, you'll find so many other people are feeling the same way and just waiting for someone else to say it.

“It doesn't require courage to hide behind a mask,” McKelley said in the closing minutes of his TEDx Talk. “What requires courage is being open and vulnerable no matter what the outcome.”

And as for me? I learned that talking about how I'm feeling, especially with people I don't know or trust, can be pretty hard.

Throughout the week, there were a lot of voices inside me telling me not to do it.

It'll be weird! They won't care! They're going to judge you!

And sometimes those voices were right. But as the week went along, it got a little bit easier to ignore them. And in the days since the “experiment” ended, I've found myself sharing just a little, tiny, minuscule bit more on a day-to-day basis.

What was most incredible was that I started to realize that the experts were right: This IS a skill. It’s something I can learn how to do, even as a self-described “nonemotional” guy. By taking “little risks” with my feelings, I am getting better and better at bypassing those instincts in me that want me to clam up and be the strong, stoic man.

I just hope I’ll have the courage to keep practicing.

But again, this isn't just about me. And it's probably not just about you either. It’s about the next generation of young people who will look to us (both men and women) for reassurance that men can feel, can talk about feeling, and can respond with things other than anger, aggression, or silence.

I want to leave you with a question, one I want you to really think about and answer as honestly as you possibly can. It might seem silly, but answering it could be one of the bravest things you'll ever do.

All right. Are you ready? Here it goes:

How are you?


This article originally appeared on 07.27.16

A waiter talking with his hands.

One of the great things about America is that we have a relatively young culture, so many of the foods that we eat were brought over from other countries. That makes America a great place to try out all the different types of food from around the world.

However, we also like to put our own stamp on staples from around the globe that give the American version its own unique flair. Some foods that we claim originated overseas were actually first made right here in the U.S. of A. For example, chimichangas, which can be found in many Mexican restaurants, actually originated in the state of Arizona. Crab Rangoon, a popular “Chinese” dish, was actually invented in San Francisco, and spaghetti and meatballs were never a thing in Italy.

TikTok creator Gabby Donahue posted a video that’s the perfect example of how some ethnic foods get remixed once they become popular in the States. In a video with over 7 million views, her father shows a waiter in Italy a photo of chicken parmesan from Olive Garden so he can order it at the restaurant. The waiter's reaction is an excellent example of someone trying to be polite while he cannot believe what he is seeing.

“My Boston Irish father trying to order a Google image of the Olive Garden chicken parm in Italy,” Donahue wrote in the text overlay.

@gabbydonahuee

@Olive Garden ‘s biggest fan 😭😭😭😭 #italy #cultureshock #chickenparm #olivegarden


When the father showed the picture to the waiter, he seemed a bit confused about the image. “Only in the States,” he said. “It doesn’t exist in Italy.” The father couldn’t believe what he was hearing: “It doesn’t exist in Italy?”

“I don’t know what it is…on the pasta?” the waiter said, trying to make sense of the chicken breast smothered in cheese and sauce. The waiter gave his final verdict while holding his chin: “No. That’s horrible.”

“Horrible? Wow. Look at that. That doesn’t,” the father laughed. “That looks good… but,” the waiter shrugged off the father. “It does look good,” the father continued. “It tastes good. I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna mail you some. I’ll send it to you.”

“Okay? Olive Garden chicken, I’m gonna search,” the waiter said, walking away from the table.


The commenters had a field day analyzing the waiter’s body language. “‘No, that looks good’ while looking completely disgusted was the most Italian reaction ever,” one commenter wrote. “Bro remembered halfway through his disgust that he’s at work,” another added.

It’s not crazy that an American would think that chicken parmesan is an Italian dish; after all, it’s served in most Italian-American restaurants. However, according to Paesana, it was created in America by the Italian diaspora.

“In the Old World, that’s Italy prior to the Italian diaspora—the large-scale emigration of Italians from Italy to America—proteins like chicken were not widely available," according to an article on the site. "As such, the prototypical chicken parmigiana was actually made with breaded, fried slices of eggplant in place of chicken for a dish called melanzane alla Parmigiana."


Even though chicken parmesan didn’t originate in the old country, Pasquale Sciarappa, a popular Italian-born food influencer living in America, has no problem cooking the dish.

"'That’s not Italian!’ I hear this every time I share a dish like Chicken Parmigiana. And you know what? They’re right — it’s not something you’d traditionally find in Italy. But you know what else is true? It’s Italian-American. It was born in immigrant kitchens — from people who left Italy, landed in the U.S., and made do with what they had. They took inspiration from dishes like melanzane alla parmigiana and recreated comfort from memory using what was available,” he wrote.

It’s understandable that an American could go to Italy without knowing that something he’d had in Italian restaurants wasn’t actually from Italy. It’s understandable for an Italian server to balk at a photo of a dish served in an American restaurant that you’d find in a shopping mall.

But we should all agree that one of the wonderful things about American culture is that it's an amalgamation of different cultures stirred around in the same pot, and if that means we get a fresh variation on the burrito, a new way to eat Chinese crab, or a tasty piece of chicken where eggplant used to be, the more the better.

Parents are rejoicing over a fundraiser that asks parents to do... absolutely nothing.

A recent survey showed that parents receive a staggering 17.5 communications per week about their kids' activities, on average. That's multiple emails, texts, or flyers every single day. Some of them can be quickly read (or even ignored), but many of them require some action to be taken.

It's Pajama Day! It's Teacher Appreciation Week! It's Dress Up like a Book Character Day! It's 'Asynchronous Learning Day' and your children will be home with you all day! Each of these can feel overwhelming, but there are few handouts coming home that strike more dread into the heart of parents than when it's time for schools to execute their multi-annual fundraisers.

One mom recently braced herself for the worst when her child brought home a sheet of paper announcing the school's next fundraiser. But the options on the flyer took her totally by surprise.

On Reddit, the mom posted a picture of the unique fundraising request, which was officially named "The No-Fuss Un Fundraiser."

"What's an 'Un Fundraiser?' you might ask. Well, funds are still being raised for the school, but in this instance parents are offered a guilt-free option if they don't want to participate in the bake sale, don't want their children to hawk cheap crap from a catalog, or don't want to participate in any Walkathon-type activities.

The handout explains: "Our no-fuss 'un-fundraiser' is the only fundraiser where 100% of the profits go toward the PTO budget. ... You may choose to participate in lieu of, or in addition to any of the other fundraisers we will be doing throughout the school year."

Direct contribution amounts are then listed, with each amount corresponding to a certain privilege.

Parents could give $15 to proclaim, "I would rather not bake anything or shop for cupcakes this year, thanks."

Fifty dollars proudly announces, "I do not wish to peddle products to my family and friends from catalogs, magazines or brochures, I do not want to buy candles or wrapping paper this year."

A blank amount for parents to fill in states, "I am making this donation to express my appreciation for NOT having to clip, buy, sell, or peddle anything this school year, except filling out this form."

See the whole, hilariously tongue-in-cheek fundraising form here:

Tens of thousands of exhausted parents chimed in to express their appreciation for the school's no-fuss approach.

Not only are parents burnt out and overwhelmed by constant communication and the pressure to be hyper-involved in every aspect of their children's lives, traditional school fundraisers have proved to be problematic in a number of ways.

Kids growing up in the '80s and '90s surely remember the catalog fundraisers, selling chocolate bars, wrapping paper, frozen pizzas, flavored popcorn, whatever the school could get their hands on. Top-sellers were promised flashy prizes like TVs, gaming systems, and more. (Gen X and Millennial kids definitely remember those school assemblies where the slimy catalog reps would get the kids to go feral over the possibility of winning a Sega.)

The problems were and are numerous. Schools only get to keep a certain percentage of the revenue when well-meaning relatives and neighbors buy these products, making them far less effective than straight-up donations. It also puts families in extremely uncomfortable positions where they have to hassle their network of friends and coworkers to buy stuff they don't need; in some cases, kids even go door to door selling!

Fundraisers are traditionally heavily weighted toward kids with wealthier families who can afford to buy a bunch of junk so their kids can rise up the leaderboard and win cool prizes. The funds might be good for the school, but they make almost everyone else feel less-than.

And of course there's the massive, headachy time commitment from parents who have to get involved in these programs. The "No Fuss Un Fundraiser" is such a great concept that eliminates all or most of these challenges.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

A few social media users chimed in:

"My kids' school did this. I gladly gave $100 and I knew that every dime went to the PTO and none of it went to scammy fundraising companies that peddle shoddy crap so bad that we were embarrassed to show the catalogs to the grandparents.

"This is great! I'm glad schools are finally getting the message. When my son had a fundraiser for his school we didn't want him going door-to-door asking people to buy stuff so we wrote a check and sent it to the school with the catalog. This is a much nicer way to handle fundraisers!"

"I would fill this out so fast"

"Enclosed is a check for $400. Which is $100 for each school year. Leave me alone for four years," one user joked.

There are other, more creative fundraiser ideas going around, too:

schools, kids, parents, parenting, elementary school, fundraiser, education, economy, culture Schools are underfunded, but there's got to be a better way to raise funds than selling junk from catalogs. Photo by CDC on Unsplash

"One thing I think my school did right was that our fundraisers were never junk. We sold trash bags in the fall when everyone would be raking up leaves, and flowers in the spring when everyone would be landscaping their spring gardens. My high school sold raffle tickets. But the prize was genius: everyone who sold 10 received a pair of sweatpants that they were allowed to wear all winter. I went to an all girls catholic high school where the primary uniform bottom was a plaid skirt—real cute until it started snowing and you had to walk between buildings every period. So The Pants™ were a coveted privilege."

"Our school is selling 'acts of kindness' where the kids are supposed to do nice things for family/neighbors for the donation. It’s honor system and a good way to teach charity to kids I think (or just no pressure donate if you don’t care)."

Public schools are severely underfunded, there's no question about that. Just look at how many teachers have to buy school supplies with their own money. But making kids go door-to-door selling chocolate bars is not the way.

Direct donation-style fundraisers are gaining popularity in recent years, and all the tired parents, the grandparents who have no need for poor-quality wrapping paper, and all the neighbors who just want to be left alone are grateful for it.

“It's taken a weight off my shoulders, having multiple kids in different schools,” the mom told Newsweek. “I'm thrilled I don't need to cook for 2 bake sales now. ... I would continue to donate like this every year they do this kind of fundraiser."

Harvard researcher Arthur C. Brooks studies what leads to human happiness.

We live in a society that prizes ambition, celebrating goal-setting, and hustle culture as praiseworthy vehicles on the road to success. We also live in a society that associates successfully getting whatever our hearts desire with happiness. The formula we internalize from an early age is that desire + ambition + goal-setting + doing what it takes = a successful, happy life.

But as Harvard University happiness researcher Arthur C. Brooks has found, in his studies as well as his own experience, that happiness doesn't follow that formula. "It took me too long to figure this one out," Brooks told podcast host Tim Ferris, explaining why he uses a "reverse bucket list" to live a happier life.

bucket list, wants, desires, goals, detachment Many people make bucket lists of things they want in life. Giphy

Brooks shared that on his birthday, he would always make a list of his desires, ambitions, and things he wanted to accomplish—a bucket list. But when he was 50, he found his bucket list from when he was 40 and had an epiphany: "I looked at that list from when I was 40, and I'd checked everything off that list. And I was less happy at 50 than I was at 40."

As a social scientist, he recognized that he was doing something wrong and analyzed it.

"This is a neurophysiological problem and a psychological problem all rolled into one handy package," he said. "I was making the mistake of thinking that my satisfaction would come from having more. And the truth of the matter is that lasting and stable satisfaction, which doesn't wear off in a minute, comes when you understand that your satisfaction is your haves divided by your wants…You can increase your satisfaction temporarily and inefficiently by having more, or permanently and securely by wanting less."

Brooks concluded that he needed a "reverse bucket list" that would help him "consciously detach" from his worldly wants and desires by simply writing them down and crossing them off.

"I know that these things are going to occur to me as natural goals," Brooks said, citing human evolutionary psychology. "But I do not want to be owned by them. I want to manage them." He discussed moving those desires from the instinctual limbic system to the conscious pre-frontal cortex by examining each one and saying, "Maybe I get it, maybe I don't," but crossing them off as attachments. "And I'm free…it works," he said.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"When I write them down, I acknowledge that I have the desire," he explained on X. "When I cross them out, I acknowledge that I will not be attached to this goal."

The idea that attachment itself causes unhappiness is a concept found in many spiritual traditions, but it is most closely associated with Buddhism. Mike Brooks, PhD, explains that humans need healthy attachments, such as an attachment to staying alive and attachments to loved ones, to avoid suffering. But many things to which we are attached are not necessarily healthy, either by degree (over-attachment) or by nature (being attached to things that are impermanent).

"We should strive for flexibility in our attachments because the objects of our attachment are inherently in flux," Brooks writes in Psychology Today. "In this way, we suffer unnecessarily when we don't accept their impermanent nature."

What Arthur C. Brooks suggests that we strive to detach ourselves from our wants and desires because the simplest way to solve the 'haves/wants = happiness' formula is to reduce the denominator. The reverse bucket list, in which you cross off desires before you fulfill them, can help free you from attachment and lead to a happier overall existence.

Pets

Your dog's breed could say a lot about your personality, according to a veterinarian

"If I see someone with a weenie dog, I know you're just vibing."

Photo Credit: Canva

A dachshund in a pink boa. A woman with pink hair.

Ever been to a dog park and seen a woman with dyed pink hair and a matching dyed pink Shih Tzu, complete with painted nails? My thought is usually, I could have seen the dog first and known exactly who the owner was. (Now this one isn't quite science. I'm a light-hearted shorty on the quiet side who once had a very large and serious Rottweiler.)

That said, a veterinarian named Dr. Indya took to TikTok with a short clip to share her thoughts on dog breeds and what they say about the person who owns them. She writes under her video, "Your dog breed says so much about you and I refuse to think otherwise."

@doctorindya

your dog breed says so much about you and I refuse to believe otherwise #vetmed #dogbreeds #petparent #miniaturedachshund

In the video, over a clip of her talking straight to camera, a chyron displays, "I judge you by your dog breed." She says, "I have this theory that you can tell how seriously someone takes life based on the type of dog they own. Like to me, German Shepherds people? Very serious. A to B, get everything done. Like you cannot mess with someone that owns a German Shepherd."

She goes on, now pointing at the camera. "Doberman, same. Cane Corso, same." She then puts her hand out and waves it. "Golden Retrievers? Pretty casual, they have fun. But they get the job done. They're kind of like finance bros."

She then bends down and picks up a longhaired Dachshund. "Me? What is this? Weenie dog. I have two weenie dogs, bro. You think I take life serious? I have two long dogs, running around my apartment. You think I take life serious?"

dachshund, side-eye, dogs, dog breeds, personalities A dachshund gives the side-eye. Giphy

As her dog squirms around and side-eyes the camera, she continues, "Do you know how fun life is with little short legs just running around? Just pitter-pattering? You think I take life seriously?"

She puts the dog down. "I know that's just me and my brain, but like if I see someone with a weenie dog, I know you're just vibing. You're just a girl. You're just here. I don't know, I could be wrong, but that's my theory."

Well, this theory struck a chord: 9,000 comments later (just on TikTok alone), people are chiming in with their thoughts and experiences.

Some merely agree with the Dachshund of it all: "Was not surprised at all when she picked up a Dachshund. And it’s almost a requirement to have more than one."

Others note how similar they are to their breed: "Chihuahua owner. I’m fun, but with only one or two people. I don’t like anyone else." "I have a Beagle. All we do is rock out and eat food."

Others make jokes: "Me and my Yorkie Terrier are going to law school. In the future."

And one person throws this wrench into the mix: "I have a German Shepherd and a wiener dog. I guess I’m a conflicted soul."

What your chosen dog breed says about you. www.youtube.com

In the recent piece, "What Your Dog Breed Says About You," Laurent Jaccard writes, "Psychologists have spent decades mapping owner personalities to their canine sidekicks, and the patterns are hilarious (sometimes painfully accurate). A Bath Spa University survey of 1,000 owners showed we flock to breeds that mirror our own traits."

He gives the following examples: "Extroverts gravitate to sociable party animals like Labradors and Golden Retrievers. Introverts vibe with low-drama independents such as Shiba Inus or Greyhounds. High-achievers pick brainy workaholics like Border Collies. Trend-setters flaunt bougie French Bulldogs—quirky, compact, Instagram-ready."

He cites a few research studies that support the idea that dogs and owners should have matching energy and sociability, usually, in order to be a great match.

He then lists dog breeds and gives a breakdown of what choosing them says about one's "vibe." One example is his hilarious description of the French Bulldog as a "stylish clown with a side of sass." What this means about their "person" is: "They are probably funny, expressive, and loyal. Care about comfort, charm, and vibes. And like attention, but only on your own terms."

dogs, breeds, french bulldog, personality Frenchie licks lips. Giphy

Again, while this isn't an exact science (obviously) it's fun to think about. And if by chance you've opted for a rescue mutt of some sort, well we know your "vibe check," and it's probably pretty awesome.

Love Stories

Man successfully captures the feeling of real, lasting love in poem for his wife

There's a reason people ask to have Harry Baker's "Dust" read at their wedding.

Love finds beauty and joy in the mundane.

For centuries, perhaps millennia, poets have tried to capture the essence of the most profound human feelings. While success on that front is subjective—a poem that hits one person right in the heart may have little effect on someone else—there are some poets who manage to strike a universal chord on themes that are hard to put into words.

World Poetry Slam Champion Harry Baker has done that with one of life's most beautiful but underrated experiences—to love and be loved by a partner in the most basic, everyday ways. Nothing fancy. Nothing that requires a massive effort. Just the daily joys and routines that make marriage or a life partnership the comforting, safe place it can be.

@harrybakerpoet

NOW AVAILABLE AS A PRINT ON MY WEBSITE ✨ I wrote this for my wife and so am always thrilled when people tell me they’ve had it or heard it at a wedding - After years of requests I have finally teamed up with @Katie to make it into four different options of stunning print 💙💙🤍🤍 🎥 @Liam Bagnall #poetry #poetrytok #spokenword #lovepoem #wedding

Baker wrote the poem "Dust" for his wife, and it's clear he speaks from experience. "It's not the flowers, it's the weeding in the mud with you," he begins. "It's not the champagne, it's that cuppa in that favorite mug you use."

His poem hits at the heart of what makes genuine, lasting love what it is—not the stereotypical symbols of romance (flowers, champagne, chocolate, fancy food) but the daily work, the shared indulgences, the knowing what makes one another truly happy, and the joy in those everyday realities.

The poem has funny parts throughout, which only makes it more perfect. Humor is such a part of real love that any love poem feels incomplete without it.

love, love poem, harry baker, true love, marriage Love makes us laugh.Photo credit: Canva

But it's seriously profound as well: "It's not the dreaming, it's the waking up with you. I want to be here long enough to gather dust with you."

When he speaks of the "glorious consistency," the "everyday magnificence" and the "spectacular normality" of loving his wife, anyone who has been in a long and happy relationship understands exactly what he means. Fireworks are fine, but it's the slow-burning fire that creates a warm home—a home where we know we are safe and cherished just as we are.

Baker shared that "Dust" is his most requested poem for people to use at weddings, and it's easy to see why. The comment section is filled with people who say they had part or all of it read at their weddings, along with people praising Baker for hitting the nail on the head with his words:

"Why do I always get brought to tears when I hear something that perfectly captures an emotion? Idk, but this made me cry. Couldn’t have said it better."

"I have heard this 1000 times, and I cannot get enough. Tears every single time 🥺 You’re amazing Harry ♥"

love, love poem, harry baker, true love, marriage Love joyfully gathers dust. Photo credit: Canva

"My sister read this for us at our wedding and everyone LOVED it!! It will forever be one of my favourite memories, thank you for your poetry!!!"

"I showed this to my best fiend, and she cried. Now she’s reading it at our wedding next year 🤍 thank you for writing such a beautiful poem."

"All of this. Thirty years of marriage this month and he’s still the best part of my day ❤"

"I have stage 4 cancer and you are saying everything in my heart I want my husband to know before I leave here. 🥰"

"As a widow this hits so hard. 💜"

Baker's "Dust" is truly a gift to those who know and appreciate the simple joys of a solid, lifelong partnership.

You can find the poem in Baker's second book, "Unashamed," and you can find more of his work on his website. You can also follow him on TikTok and Instagram to see more of his spoken word performances.