Upworthy's book GOOD PEOPLE, now available - take a look!

Shop
 Explore 

Add Upworthy to your Google News feed.

Google News Button

Happiness researcher explains how making a 'reverse bucket list' can change your life

Counterintuitive in our culture, but effective.

arthur c. brooks, harvard, psychology, happiness research, bucket list

Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

Harvard researcher Arthur C. Brooks studies what leads to human happiness.

We live in a society that prizes ambition, celebrating goal-setting, and hustle culture as praiseworthy vehicles on the road to success. We also live in a society that associates successfully getting whatever our hearts desire with happiness. The formula we internalize from an early age is that desire + ambition + goal-setting + doing what it takes = a successful, happy life.

But as Harvard University happiness researcher Arthur C. Brooks has found, in his studies as well as his own experience, that happiness doesn't follow that formula. "It took me too long to figure this one out," Brooks told podcast host Tim Ferris, explaining why he uses a "reverse bucket list" to live a happier life.

bucket list, wants, desires, goals, detachment Many people make bucket lists of things they want in life. Giphy

Brooks shared that on his birthday, he would always make a list of his desires, ambitions, and things he wanted to accomplish—a bucket list. But when he was 50, he found his bucket list from when he was 40 and had an epiphany: "I looked at that list from when I was 40, and I'd checked everything off that list. And I was less happy at 50 than I was at 40."

As a social scientist, he recognized that he was doing something wrong and analyzed it.

"This is a neurophysiological problem and a psychological problem all rolled into one handy package," he said. "I was making the mistake of thinking that my satisfaction would come from having more. And the truth of the matter is that lasting and stable satisfaction, which doesn't wear off in a minute, comes when you understand that your satisfaction is your haves divided by your wants…You can increase your satisfaction temporarily and inefficiently by having more, or permanently and securely by wanting less."

— (@)

Brooks concluded that he needed a "reverse bucket list" that would help him "consciously detach" from his worldly wants and desires by simply writing them down and crossing them off.

"I know that these things are going to occur to me as natural goals," Brooks said, citing human evolutionary psychology. "But I do not want to be owned by them. I want to manage them." He discussed moving those desires from the instinctual limbic system to the conscious pre-frontal cortex by examining each one and saying, "Maybe I get it, maybe I don't," but crossing them off as attachments. "And I'm free…it works," he said.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"When I write them down, I acknowledge that I have the desire," he explained on X. "When I cross them out, I acknowledge that I will not be attached to this goal."

The idea that attachment itself causes unhappiness is a concept found in many spiritual traditions, but it is most closely associated with Buddhism. Mike Brooks, PhD, explains that humans need healthy attachments, such as an attachment to staying alive and attachments to loved ones, to avoid suffering. But many things to which we are attached are not necessarily healthy, either by degree (over-attachment) or by nature (being attached to things that are impermanent).

"We should strive for flexibility in our attachments because the objects of our attachment are inherently in flux," Brooks writes in Psychology Today. "In this way, we suffer unnecessarily when we don't accept their impermanent nature."

What Arthur C. Brooks suggests that we strive to detach ourselves from our wants and desires because the simplest way to solve the 'haves/wants = happiness' formula is to reduce the denominator. The reverse bucket list, in which you cross off desires before you fulfill them, can help free you from attachment and lead to a happier overall existence.

From Your Site Articles

A 3-word method can help you make relaxed small talk that doesn't feel like an interview

Injecting some personality can make things a lot more fun.

via Canva/Photos

A man and woman chatting over some wine.

A lot of people are uncomfortable making small talk, but it’s an essential skill that can make or break your love life, career, and social experiences. Many people believe that being good at chatting with others is something innate, but those who excel at it work at their craft and pick up small tips along the way to become better communicators.

One of the tricks that all great communicators know is that you will be more likable when you're more interested than interesting. Study after study shows that people love talking about themselves, and if you ask people more questions, they will like you a lot more than if you did all the talking. So, how do we do this without creating a one-sided conversation where your conversation partner learns nothing about you? The folks at the Science of People have shared the statement-plus question technique.

The statement-plus technique

“One of the smoothest ways to keep conversation flowing is to share a brief personal statement followed by a question,” the Science of People writes. “This technique accomplishes two things: it gives the other person information about you (making you seem more approachable and interesting) while also redirecting focus to them.”

small talk, conversation, office party, people talking, wine Coworkers having a nice conversation.via Canva/Photos

Here are some examples:

Instead of asking “What do you do for work?” say:

“I’m a writer for Upworthy, and I enjoy seeing my work read by millions of people. What excites you about your job?”

Instead of asking, “Where do you live?” try:

“I live in Long Beach, California, and it’s really nice living by the ocean. What do you love the most about where you live?”

Instead of asking, “How do you know the person who threw the party?” say:

“I met Sarah at a church meeting seven years ago. Do you remember the first time you met her?”

These questions enable you to discuss yourself while maintaining the focus on the other person. They are also open-ended, so you don’t just get a one-word answer. You learn their job and what excites them about it. You know where they live, and they get to brag about what they like about the city. The technique also broadens the conversation because, according to the psychological phenomenon known as reciprocal self-disclosure, people are more likely to disclose things about themselves after you share something about yourself.

- YouTube youtu.be

What is reciprocal self-disclosure?

“The most likely result of your self-disclosure is that other people will do the same. In the field of communication, we refer to this as 'reciprocity.' When you share information about yourself, the most likely result is that people will start to disclose a similar type of information from their own lives," communication coach Alexander Lyon says. "In our presentations, we talk about this as a magic wand. Disclosure is the closest thing we have to a magic wand in terms of a concept in communication. When you disclose, other people almost automatically reciprocate."

Ultimately, people love to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity, they will like you more for it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reveal some aspects of yourself at the same time while keeping the focus on them. The statement-plus question technique allows you to reveal some things about yourself while making the other person feel seen and comfortable telling you more about themselves. It’s sure to elevate your small talk to something more substantial in a relaxed way that doesn’t feel like an interview.

From Your Site Articles

conversation tips

Yes, even cats have a favorite person. How they choose and how to tell they've picked you.

Just because they seem uninterested doesn't mean they don't pick favorites.

Photo credit: Canva

Even cats have a favorite person. Here's how they choose.

Cats may be persnickety at times or appear aloof to the presence of humans, but that doesn't mean they don't have their favorites. Just like dogs, cats also fancy having a human best friend, but unless the feline companion is overly affectionate, one may not know they've been chosen.

Some cats live up to the expectation that they will give the most attention to the person who likes them the least. But most cats are particular about who they choose to give their attention to. In a one-person household, there could be a real possibility that the human in the equation isn't the favorite. After all, cats are not dogs who will be excited by their humans' mere existence. Cats are much more like broke royalty who expect their humans to be grateful for the opportunity to scoop out their litter boxes.

cat; cats; pets; cat's favorite; people and cats; cat snuggles; cat behavior Curious cat and baby share a gentle moment on the grass.Photo credit: Canva

Due to the imaginary royal title, a cat is much more discerning about who they give their priceless attention to. Usually, it's easy to tell who kitty has designated as their favorite person in a multi-person household. But the question remains, how do they pick their person?

According to Union Lake Veterinary Hospital, "People who communicate with their cat by getting to know their cues and motives are more attractive to their cat companions." They added, "Another reason behind their preference is the cat’s breed or personality. If your cat is the type who wants to be chill and relax, they will probably gravitate towards the family member who is calm and quiet. Playful, energetic cats who love to stay active will likely choose a friend who gives them this exercise and attention. In fact, it may be that your cat is revealing something about you in why they choose to love you best."

cat; cats; pets; cat's favorite; people and cats; cat snuggles; cat behavior Feline friends sharing a tender moment by the window.Photo credit: Canva

Certified Feline Training and Behavior Specialist and founder of Cat Behavior Solutions, Molly DeVoss, explains to Rover that cats prefer people who have a calming presence, feed them, and play with them. She also shares how trauma in a cat's early life influences how they form attachments to humans. "If a cat (or kitten) were in an abusive or neglectful situation with a certain demographic, they’re more likely to feel uncomfortable and unsafe around some types of people."

How can you tell if a cat has chosen you as their favorite human?

Cats will let you know that you might be their favorite person by doing a few things. According to DeVoss, if a cat is keen on you being their number one human, they'll do things like headbutt your hands, legs, and even forehead. They'll bring you their toys, rub their scent on you, rub their teeth or mouth on you, and groom you by licking your hair. DeVoss also says that when a cat exposes their belly or flops around briefly, it displays a deep level of trust.

cat; cats; pets; cat's favorite; people and cats; cat snuggles; cat behavior A sweet moment shared with a fluffy friend.Photo credit: Canva

To become your cat's favorite person, you may need to start sharing some common interests. That doesn't mean you have to stalk bugs or start knocking things off of counters, but if your cat likes watching out the window, you can make it a shared activity. Cats can also be trained to perform tricks, especially those that are active and attentive to their surroundings. You can even get a cat play yard or "catio" for the ones that seem as if they're longing to do some porch sitting with you.

You can also bond with them by talking to them throughout the day, even if they don't know what you're saying, Union Lake Veterinary Hospital says. Being affectionate with your cat more often, with pets, hugs, and scratches, will make them feel loved and safe. Doing some of these things will have your feline companion purring their little hearts out in no time.

From Your Site Articles

These 4 words can keep a conversation flowing forever no matter how bad you are at small talk

There's literally no way to screw this up.

Credit: Canva

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, friends, small talk, chatting Two women chatting in front of a fire. Credit: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement:

"It reminds me of…”

A Redditor recently shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun:

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”

- YouTube www.youtube.com

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologuing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

conversation, small talk, chatting, cafe Two guys chat at a cafe. Credit: Helena Lopes/Pexels

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.

From Your Site Articles

All families in New Mexico will get free childcare in unprecedented policy move

“It’s not an expenditure, it’s an investment."

Photo credit: Canva

As of November, all childcare will be no-cost for families in New Mexico.

In the modern era, one of the biggest financial considerations families have to navigate is the cost of childcare. Many families can't make it on one income, but those who work in lower-wage jobs often find that childcare costs nearly as much as they make, putting them between a pricey rock and an expensive hard place. Single parents are even more stuck, and with the cost of other basic living expenses putting a squeeze on people's pocketbooks, most have no choice but to work full-time.

That's why New Mexico becoming the first U.S. state to provide universal, no-cost childcare to all families across the state, regardless of income, is a big deal. As of Nov. 1, 2025, that financial burden is lifted for all families statewide.

new mexico, policy, childcare, families, kids, daycare New Mexico will cover childcare costs for all families across the state, regardless of income. www.facebook.com

“The blueprint for early childhood education in America is happening right here in New Mexico,” Lujan Grisham said at a news conference at the state Capitol. That blueprint includes eliminating the current income limit (which is 400% of the federal poverty level) to qualify for childcare assistance, increasing the pay for childcare providers to a minimum of $18 an hour, and a plan to build 55 more licensed childcare centers and register 1,000 new in-home daycares. The state estimates an additional 5,000 early childhood professionals are needed to fully achieve a universal system, which means more job opportunities for New Mexico residents as well.

According to the Albuquerque Journal, the Early Childhood Education and Care Department (ECECD) currently spends about $463 million per year (about half of that department's budget) on child care assistance for families. Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham will reportedly seek an additional $120 million during the 30-day session that begins in January to fully implement the new plan.

“It’s not an expenditure, it’s an investment," said Lt. Gov. Howie Morales. That appears to be how many countries around the world view it as well, since the United States sits as an outlier among developed nations when it comes to money spent subsidizing childcare.

— (@)

“Child care is essential to family stability, workforce participation, and New Mexico’s future prosperity,” said Lujan Grisham. “By investing in universal child care, we are giving families financial relief, supporting our economy, and ensuring that every child has the opportunity to grow and thrive.”

Pew Research found that a majority of Americans believe providing free child care would encourage more people to have children, which is significant since birth rates in the U.S. have dropped and fertility rates worldwide are in a sharp decline. Economists and other experts have expressed concern over declining populations being unable to replace themselves and the social and economic ramifications of that potentiality. While the number of children someone has is a personal family decision, initiatives like universal childcare make it easier for families to have the number of children they desire.

“Early childhood care and education is a public good,” said ECECD Sec. Elizabeth Groginsky. “By providing universal access and improving pay for our early childhood workforce, we are easing financial pressure on families, strengthening our economy, and helping every child learn in safe, nurturing environments. This is the kind of investment that builds equity today and prosperity for the future.”

new mexico, daycare, babies, toddlers, universal childcare Families in New Mexico won't have to worry about affording childcare. Photo credit: Canva

What many Americans may not know is that the U.S. actually did have universal childcare once before. During World War II, the U.S. government subsidized childcare so mothers could work and contribute to the war effort. An estimated 550,000 to 600,000 children were cared for at daycare facilities at no cost for families, but despite letters and petitions asking to keep the program going, the government ended it in 1946.

Will other states follow in New Mexico's footsteps? We'll see. New Mexico appears to be a good place to start investing more in early childhood and childcare, as the state ranks close to the bottom in child well-being, health, and education. While government can't fix all societal problems, it can strive to ensure that families have the resources they need to stay above water and afford the basic necessities.

From Your Site Articles

Teachers spill the worst places they've run into students and it's hilariously horrifying

"As my colonoscopy was just about to begin..."

Image via Canva/Boast

Teachers share horror stories of seeing students outside the classroom.

Teachers hold down the classroom in front of their students five days a week. And once the bell rings, they head home to lead full lives with a first name. For students, seeing a teacher outside school has always been demystifying, but teachers say it's an equally nerve-wracking experience—especially once their students have graduated from their classroom.

A teacher named Natalie took to social media and asked other teachers to share their stories of encounters with former students. "Fellow teachers," she wrote, "where is the absolute worst place, most horrific place you've run into a former student?"

Her fellow teachers indeed rose to the call and, whether to commiserate or share a laugh, hilarious and horrifying tales of seeing former students "in the wild" came spilling in.

teacher, teacher tiktok, teachers of tiktok, teacher stories, teachers outside school TikTok · NatalieKnows www.tiktok.com

In an interview with TODAY, Natalie shared hers: "When I was pregnant with my third child, I ran into a former male student at the OBGYN’s office,” she told the publication. "Of course, it’s natural to see people who are pregnant at the same time—but we both know what got us there! That was the awkward part."

She also added, "My friends and I say that we never want to see a former student in a medical situation...because students tend to have the mindset that teachers aren’t real humans." Well, buckle up, kids. These are teachers' most shocking and funny stories.

teacher, student, teacher student, teacher stories, teachers Tv Land Running GIF by Teachers on TV Land Giphy

"One time I was pooping at Walmart and a 3rd grade student popped her head under the stall and said 'I saw your shoes and thought that was you, Mrs. Ware'."

"Me and my college professor [were] locked up in jail over the weekend together 😂."

"As my colonoscopy was just about to begin. . . 'Hi Mr. K. You were my favorite teacher, I'll be assisting today.' I said, 'Thanks, enjoy the view!' And then I promptly went to sleep."

"Therapy. He was on his way out as I was on my way in. 🙃"

"Waffle House at 2:30 am, I teach Pre-K."

"I was getting a bikini wax. I teach seniors and covid led to an entire year and a half of faces I never saw. Halfway through the wax my technician tells me that because of me, she's doing great in college math........ 🙃"

"I have a bright yellow car so my students would come to class the next day like 'I know you were at the grocery store at 8:32 PM I saw your car in the parking lot'."

See on Instagram

"5 years after she graduated- she was my labor and delivery nurse!! It was awkward for me for about 30 secs then I was just like ‘Let’s do this, Kendra!’"

"i ran into a student on a flight home. from Japan. i live in Florida 😭."

"When my hand was on the Smoke Shop’s door handle and I hear 'Hey Ms. ***' 🤡."

"Handed me my birth control at CVS, while actually still in my class that year. I drove away and immediately googled pharmacy tech minimum ages. 💀"

"When I was a teacher, I had a CURRENT student (16 yrs old) attempt to use his fake ID at the bar where I was moonlighting."

"I’m at Central Market, it’s Friday night, I am buying 3 bottles of wine and some premade goodies and the kid checking me out is one of my students. He holds up two of the bottles and gives me a look until I inform him he is the reason I am buying the wine."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"My former student gave me a mammogram."

"At a free Glorilla concert mind you I taught 3rd grade."

"Not a teacher but I’m a mental health counselor at a high school and one of the seniors saw me at an anime convention dressed as Pennywise…"

"My DMs."

"My massage therapist was a former eighth grade student I had. I didn’t recognize him as it was ten years later. He introduced himself after and I died."

"literally saw me through the front window of my house and ran up to say hello 😭 i was watching tv in my pajamas."

From Your Site Articles

teacher stories