Is there any social situation more inherently awkward than sitting next to a stranger on an airplane? It’s not like a bus or a train, where you can get up and change seats if you’re not thrilled with your seatmate. And with airplane seats getting increasingly cramped, you’re inevitably invading one another’s personal space in some capacity. Where else in life are you quite literally trapped for hours in such close proximity to someone you’ve never met and are unlikely ever to see again?
Some people enjoy making small talk on flights, finding it the most natural thing in the world to chit-chat with the person sitting next to them. Others find the prospect of talking to a stranger with no opportunity to escape the stuff of nightmares, and do everything they can to avoid it.
Since you never know who you’re going to sit next to, it’s like a game of roulette, and people tend to have pretty strong opinions on their own preferences. But are there any actual rules of etiquette that come into play for chatting with strangers on airplanes?
The biggest “rule” is to pay attention to one another’s social cues, which is easier for some people than for others. Most people make it fairly obvious if they are open to conversation. If someone is wearing earbuds or headphones, that’s a clear indication that they are not really interested in chatting. If someone is reading, a brief greeting is appropriate, but then let the person continue the conversation if they want to. If the person looks at you and smiles, there’s a good chance they’re down for shooting the breeze, at least a little bit.
But what if you’re on the receiving end of someone’s eagerness to chat and you don’t really want to? You can use headphones or earbuds, but if you don’t have any or prefer not to wear something in or over your ears, there are other options. Reading a book or looking at your phone sometimes works, though a lot of people will still offer a greeting. You can indicate that you’re not really up for conversation by responding to any additional chit-chat with polite, one-word answers and avoiding reciprocating with “How about you?”
There’s also nothing wrong with saying, “I’m going to read/watch a movie/sleep/have some quiet time now,” if someone isn’t picking up your cues. It may feel awkward to be direct or not reciprocate if you’re accustomed to standard small talk, but the social situation on an airplane requires different approaches.
Is it rude not to talk at all? Is it rude to ask people questions about themselves? In reality, there are no clear right or wrong answers here. The only thing that’s actually rude is ignoring someone’s cues that they don’t want to talk. A brief greeting is generally polite, but beyond that, it’s really up to the people involved to determine whether the plane ride will be spent in side-by-side silence, engaging conversation, or something in between.
Of course, some people go as far as to say you should “always” or “never” strike up conversations on airplanes, but most of us fall somewhere in between. It might even vary individually from flight to flight—maybe you’ve had a long trip or a hard day and want some solo reflection time, while at other times you might be feeling more social and enjoy some human interaction.
The most important thing is to recognize that there’s a huge spectrum of preferences on this front. Just look at how these takes from a Reddit discussion on this topic differ so drastically:
“When you are boarding, it’s acceptable to let someone know you are sitting next to them, or perhaps say a simple hello. You should always treat others with courtesy, particularly the flight crew (eg, politely letting a seat mate know you need to use the restroom, placing a drink order). And it’s occasionally ok to strike up a conversation while deplaning as the other person is no longer trapped. Other than that, quietly keep to yourself.
The chances the person next to you just wants a moment to themselves is high. They had a long work trip. They are returning from a funeral. They are leaving school after finals. Even if they are relaxed, the chances they want to spend the flight speaking with a stranger who has a solid 50% chance of being insane is also low. No good can come of cornering someone in a tiny metal tube with no escape at 30,000 feet for multiple hours. It can only make someone feel trapped, desperate, and claustrophobic. And we’d all rather just listen to music, work, or watch a movie.” – LazyConstruction9026
“Yeah chatting with someone on a plane is a great way to make the time pass quickly. It’s also really easy to tell if someone’s into it and if they aren’t I just do something like watch a movie or play my Switch.
I’d have missed out on a lot of cool people’s stories if I didn’t strike up a random convo on the plane. One person was headed to Mexico for a month to be the first to climb a 14-pitch 5.14b they had there with no falls. A father was moving him and his family from Canada back to Mexico to run a church/shelter. Then there was a dude from Norway that talked about how he was working at Disney in a Norway-themed restaurant for a year which was super interesting to learn the logistics of.
There’s a lot of cool people out there that are open to conversation and have awesome stories to share that make the time fly.” – Romestus
“I was on a 16 hr flight from Dubai to NZ and ended up sat in between an old kiwi farmer from the South Island and an old kiwi farmer from the far north. They got on like a house on fire. They apologised for talking over me probably 50+ times but truthfully I was overjoyed to hear their life stories and watch them become friends and ultimately exchange phone numbers. At some point we established that all 3 of us were returning home from watching the America’s Cup in Barcelona, and all shared about our relationship with sailing and team NZ. It was honestly delightful.” – southernkal
“I sit and stare at the seat back in front of me for the whole flight regardless of the length. I have done this forever. I like being alone with my thoughts and it is relaxing for me. I do not want to speak with anyone. It probably looks like I am bored so people start speaking at me. After a few one or two word answers they usually get the idea.” – Pawlyplaysthebanjo
“I talk to people almost everywhere I go, but I can also understand when someone isn’t interested in chit chat. I’ve gotten job doors opened through plane convos, mentors, and feedback on all manner of things. I’m a social person obviously, and love meeting new people and learning about them – but I also understand not everyone is, even if it makes me sad to sit in silence for an entire flight.” – Plastic-Anybody-5929
“I had to catch too many flights this year due to two very significant deaths in my family. One of them required flying while my mother was on her deathbed. There was no way I wanted to talk to anyone and I’m glad that no one did. I needed that time to process and ground myself because of what I was going through. I’m not sure if I looked unapproachable or if people thought me rude. But I emotionally and mentally could not stand small talk.” – invadergirll
“I love talking to people in airplanes, airports, etc. but sometimes I don’t want to talk, either. If they don’t seem interested in chatting- I don’t push. Once they put their earbuds in or start looking for something to read or watch, done. If they want to chat though- great!” – Born_blonde
You never know what people are going through and why they might want to or not want to talk. Plane chatting etiquette really boils down to reading people’s cues (or learning to do so if it doesn’t come naturally) and respecting when someone doesn’t want to engage in conversation. In a cramped capsule at 30,000 feet, we definitely need to give one another plenty of social grace and space.
