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Golden Years

'Boomer panic' is a real phenomenon, and there's a heartbreaking reason for it

This isn't just young generations bashing the old.

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Boomer panic is real.

In a video posted in September 2023, TikToker @myexistentialdread used the phrase “boomer panic” to explain how baby boomers (1946 to 1964) can quickly become unhinged when faced with the most minor problems. It all started when she visited a Lowe’s hardware store and encountered a boomer-aged woman working at the check-out stand.

“I had a dowel that didn’t have a price tag on it, whatever, so I ran back and took a photo of the price tag. And as I was walking back towards her, I was holding up my phone… because I had multiple dowels and that was the one that didn’t have the price tag on it,” she said in the video. “And she looks at me and she goes, ‘I don’t know which one that is,’ and she starts like, panicking.” The TikToker said that the woman was “screechy, panicking for no reason.”

 older woman upset, boomer reactions, boomer panic Older people can become frustrated over seemingly small things.Photo credit: Canva

Many people raised by boomers understood what she meant by "boomer panic." "Boomer panic is such a good phrase for this! Minor inconvenience straight to panic," the most popular commenter wrote. And while there was some unfortunate boomer-bashing in the comments, some younger people tried to explain why the older folks have such a hard time regulating their emotions: “From conversations with my mother, they weren’t allowed to make mistakes and were harshly punished if they did.” The TikToker responded, “A lot of people mentioned this, and it breaks my heart. I think you’re right,” Myexistentialdread responded.

A follow-up video by YourTango Editor Brian Sundholm tried to explain boomer panic in an empathetic way.

 

“Well, it's likely that there actually was a reason the woman started panicking about a seemingly meaningless problem,” Sundholm said. “Most of us nowadays know the importance of recognizing and feeling our emotions.” Sundholm then quoted therapist Mitzi Bachman, who says that when people bottle up their emotions and refuse to express them, it can result in an "unhinged" reaction.

TikToker Gabi Day shared a similar phenomenon she noticed with her boomer mom; she called the behavior “anxiety-at-you.”

Day’s boomer mother was “reactive,” “nervous,” and “anxious” throughout her childhood. Now, she is still on edge with Day’s children. “She's immediately like gasping and just really like exaggerated physical reactions, and then, of course, that kind of startles my kid,” Day said. “Again, I know that this comes from a place of care. It's just a lot,” she continued.

@itsgabiday

It comes from a place of love but it is exhausting 🫠😬 #millennialmomsoftiktok #boomergrandma #reparenting #gentleparenting

 

There is a significant difference in emotional intelligence and regulation between how boomers were raised and how younger generations, such as Gen X, millennials, and Gen Z, were brought up. Boomers grew up when they had to bottle up their feelings to show their resilience. This can lead to growing anger, frustration with situations and people, chronic stress, and anxiety—all conditions that can lead to panicky, unhinged behavior.

Ultimately, Sundholm says that we should sympathize with boomers who have difficulty regulating their emotions and see it as an example of the great strides subsequent generations have made in managing their mental health. “It may seem a little harsh to call something 'boomer panic,' but in the context of how many of them were raised, it makes a lot of sense,” Sundholm says. “It also underlines the importance of emotional regulation skills and teaching them to future generations. And maybe most important, having compassion for those who never had a chance to learn them.”

 older person's hands holding a younger person's hands, compassion for elderly Having compassion for older generations can go a long way.Photo credit: Canva

This article originally appeared in March.

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The one sign that someone is highly intelligent, according to literary genius Leo Tolstoy

He was a master of understanding the human condition.

en.m.wikipedia.org

Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy.

Leo Tolstoy was a Russian novelist known for epic works such as War and Peace and Anna Karenina. His life experiences—from witnessing war to spiritual quests—profoundly influenced his writings and gave him profound insights into the human soul. His understanding of emotions, motivations and moral dilemmas has made his work stand the test of time, and it still resonates with people today.

Julian de Medeiros, a TikToker who shares his thoughts on philosophy, recently shared how Tolstoy knew if someone was highly intelligent—and his observation says something extraordinary about humanity.

 intelligence, thinking, thought process, humanity, humans An intelligent man's thought process.Canva Photos

“The more intelligent a person is, the more he discovers kindness in others,” Tolstoy once wrote. “For nothing enriches the world more than kindness. It makes mysterious things clear, difficult things easy, and dull things cheerful.”

@julianphilosophy

Intelligent people are kind #intelligent #intelligence #kindness #smart #tolstoy #men #women

 


De Medeiros boiled down Tolstoy’s thoughts into a simple statement: “Intelligent people are unafraid to be kind.” He then took things a step further by noting that Tolstoy believed in the power of emotional intelligence. "To have emotional intelligence is to see the good in other people, that is what Tolstoy meant, that to be intelligent is to be kind," he added.

It seems that, according to de Medeiros, Tolstoy understood that intelligent people are kind and perceptive of the kindness in others. The intelligent person is conscious of the kindness within themselves and in the world around them.

In a 2024 opinion piece for Inc., author and speaker Jeff Hayden cites organizational psychologist Adam Grant, who says, "Generosity isn't just a sign of virtue. It's also a mark of intelligence. Data: people with high IQs have more unselfish values, give more to charity, and negotiate better deals for others. They prioritize the long-term collective good over short-term self-interest. It's smarter to be a giver than a taker."

Hayden adds on to this statement, saying, "...You can also be smart enough to be generous, thoughtful, and kind. You can be smart enough to build people up instead of tearing them down. You can be smart enough to give before you receive (or better yet, with no expectation of reciprocation.) You can be smart enough to shift the credit from yourself to others."

 kindness, intelligence, humanity, human condition, be kind Kids showing kindness through sharing. Canva Photos

In other words, these findings certainly line up with what Tolstoy's take on the correlation between kindness and intelligence.

Through Tolstoy's musings, de Medeiros (and Hayden and Grant) makes a point that is often overlooked when people talk about intelligence: truly smart people are as in touch with their hearts as they are with their minds.

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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Expert shares three realistic ways you can actually increase your emotional intelligence

"Emotional intelligence is learned and learnable at any point in life."

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Two hands clasp. Post-it notes about emotional intelligence

Most of us understand the concept of measuring intelligence through testing like IQ exams. What are our cognitive abilities? How well do we retain information? But the idea of measuring emotional intelligence—now that's a different story.

On their website, Yale University says motional intelligence (EQ or EI) is "what gives us the ability to read our instinctive feelings and those of others. It also allows us to understand and label emotions as well as express and regulate them," according to Marc Brackett, Ph.D., founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.

The term "emotional intelligence" has become a bit of a buzzword in the last three decades. This is because, even though the idea has been around for a while, it was made quite popular in the mid-90s by psychologist Daniel Goleman in a book called Emotional Intelligence – Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.

So the question is: how can we learn to implement the traits of highly emotionally intelligent people? Goleman himself shares the tips and tricks that any of us can learn on YouTube's Big Think channel.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com, BigThink Channel

He explains that one's EQ is "a combination of self-awareness, managing your emotions well, empathy, tuning into other people, and putting that all together to have harmonious or effective relationships."

Broken down into four domains—"self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management,"—Goleman begins with the broader strokes:

1. Self-Awareness

Just the concept of self-awareness alone, he notes, has been around for centuries. He specifically quotes the famous Socrates notion of "Know thyself," which truly is the crux of the idea. "Self-awareness means you know what you're feeling, you know how it shapes your perceptions and your thoughts and impulses to act," says Goleman.

2. Self-Management

Goleman asks, "When you're upset, when you're angry, when you're anxious, can you manage your emotions? Can you keep them from disrupting your focus on what you have to do right now?"

3. Social Awareness

How empathetic are you? "You not only know how a person thinks and how they feel–you care about them. This is what you want in your parents. This is what you want in your spouse." (He goes on to list "lover, friend, teacher, doctor, leaders of any kind.")

4. Relationship Management

This refers to how well you can handle conflicts with others. He asks, "Are you being an effective communicator?" The good news, Goleman tells us, is that EQ is "learned and learnable at any point in life."

listening, empathy, high emotional intelligence, learningA woman leans in to listen. Giphy, Interested Go On, Schitt's Creek

1) Learn to listen

We so often, Goleman explains, "think about what we want to say and don't really listen to the other person. We cut them off. We interrupt." But if you want to increase your EQ points, "this is the basis of empathy–listening well."

"So if you want to learn to be better at empathy, you might say, 'My habit is cutting people off and interrupting. I'm gonna make the effort to do it differently. I'm gonna listen to the person out. Say what I think they mean and THEN say what I think.'"

Someone may ask how that could be done? Goleman tells us our brains can actually change in terms of neuroplasticity, after repeated behaviors. Change the behavior, change the mind.

"That’s what it’s like to change a habit. So with listening, you have to, at first make an intentional effort. It might feel uncomfortable. But as you persist, it gets more and more comfortable until finally, it’s an automatic habit that will stay with you for years."

2) Look to leaders you admire and mimic them

An interesting question Goleman likes asking his readers and audiences is, "Tell me about a leader you've loved and a leader you hate, and tell me one quality that makes a leader so good or so bad." He goes on to explain the leader you love most likely is high in emotional intelligence. "Research at the Yale School of Management has found that emotions are contagious, and they’re most contagious from the leader outward. The leader is most often the center of strong emotions, either negative or positive."

Part of what makes a great leader is the regulation of those emotions. Once you start regulating your emotions and reactivity, you can emulate the leaders you find inspiring.

On the @riseandconquer Instagram page, they note that having emotional intelligence isn't akin to "being Zen" all the time. "It's how you respond."

3) Reach out to people with kindness. It will be contagious.

kindness, empathy, love, emotional intelligence, goodMake People feel loved written on a wall Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Goleman tells an inspiring story about a bus ride he once took in Manhattan wherein the bus driver was above and beyond friendly. People, he said, would arrive grumpily "in their own bubble" and seemingly leave in a better mood.

"Years later, I saw an article in The New York Times about that bus driver. His name, it turned out, was Govan Brown. He had fans. People would wait for his bus. He got three thousand letters saying what a great bus driver he was, not one complaint....He had a purpose that was far greater than that of the New York Transit Authority, which is something like getting as many people to where they want to go on time as we can. He had a splendid sense of what he was doing. It gave a greater meaning to what he did, and he did it superbly."

Any of us can choose to do this at any time. Again, the more we change our behavior, the more our thoughts will change leading to, you guessed it, a higher EQ.

Goleman reiterates, "I’ve always felt that the more emotional intelligence in society, the better. I think we would have parents who are more effective in raising kids, who are kinder. We’d have more compassion for each other in our interactions with friends and loved ones as well as with strangers. I think we would care more about the environment, which is why I’ve been happy to be a kind of evangelist for emotional intelligence, if you will. I’m not the originator of the phrase. I think I made it more famous.

I just think it would make a better world."

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Mom captures young daughters making up after a fight, and the emotional intelligence is incredible

"When you realize that parenting is so worth it."

via Canva/Photos

Two young girls hugging each other.

Emotional intelligence is one of the most powerful skills a parent can instill in their child. It gives them a strong foundation for understanding themselves and others, which will work wonders in their family relationships, friendships, and careers. These days, it’s one of the most sought-after skills in the workplace.

Simply put, people with high emotional intelligence can recognize and control their own emotions and comprehend the feelings of others. Emotional intelligence skills involve self-awareness, self-control, social awareness, and interpersonal relationships. Lauren Reed, a mother of two young girls, shared a video recently on TikTok that shows she and her husband have done an incredible job at teaching their children how to be aware of their emotions and those of others. It all started when Maise refused Clementine’s help, leading Maise to yell.

“Backstory- Maisie was putting away her blocks and was feeling proud of herself for doing it on her own, and Clementine came to help her, but Maisie wanted to do it on her own,” Reed wrote on TikTok. ”So Maisie loudly told her she didn’t want her to do that, and then both girls got sad. BUT then they talked it through on their own. These two are the absolute sweetest.”

@itslaurenreed

You guys… I know this is a little long, but the way they talked this through 🥹🥹 Backstory- Maisie was putting away her blocks and was feeling proud of herself for doing it on her own, and Clementine came to help her, but Maisie wanted to do it on her own. So Maisie loudly told her she didn’t want her to do that and then both girls got sad. BUT then they talked it through on their own 🥹🥹 These two are the absolute sweetest #sweetmoments #gentleparenting #sweetkids #girlmom #sosweet #myheart

Here’s a transcript of the super cute display of emotional intelligence.

Clementine: It's fine, you don't have to change your mind and make me help you. It's just you also really have to like—you also have to use kind tone if you don't want me to.

Maisie: Okay, how do I do that?

Clementine: Well, like, if you get frustrated and you feel like you need to use like a loud voice but you feel like you but you feel like you have to—I'll tell you how to do it. Take a breath and then say, 'I don't need help,' in a calm voice. Okay?

Maisie: Okay.

Clementine: I didn't know that you didn't need help. I'm sorry.

Maisie: It's okay.

Then, the two hugged it out.


The post received a ton of comments from people who thought the kids have great parents. “These two have more emotional intelligence than most men in their 30s combined,” one commenter joked. “Child therapist here. I just have to say, wow! Excellent work, mama! I know it won’t be like this every time, but the fact that they have this love and respect shows it all!” a therapist added.

Others thought that the girls showed some incredible conflict-resolution skills. “‘How do I do that?’ is such a powerful and valid question. She answered perfectly,” one wrote. “The oldest also acknowledging, apologizing, and validating feelings while teaching her little sister,” added another.


The children’s emotional intelligence can be seen as a prime example of gentle parenting, a style that values empathy, respect, and boundaries over punishment. It also places a lot of importance on emotional regulation. “By the end of the day, we’re definitely tired and feel like we’ve done a lot of parenting,” Reed said, according to USA Today. “[But] You see moments like this, and you’re like, ‘it is working.’ They’re kind and emotionally intelligent young people, and it makes it all worth it.”

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