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Mom argues that parents actually 'don't need a village' for raising their kids

Especially when “those people create more stress than just us raising these children ourselves.”

Photo credit: Canva

Time and time again, parents have found a way to raise their family—village or no village.

We’ve all heard it before, parents and non-parents alike:

“It takes a village.”

And while there is certainly a whole lotta truth behind this statement, it can also be maddening to hear when modern life makes said village so darn hard to attain. This can lead parents into feeling guilty for having to rely on paid resources like child care.

Or—perhaps even worse—they seek the “help" of family members that actually do more harm than good.

But one mom is here to say that maybe we don’t need a village after all.

“You know it doesn't really take a village, right?” a mom who goes by @nnelly.co on TikTok says.

Nelly argues that more than anything, raising a kid “takes a lot of sacrifice.” And she points out that if you still want a village, “it doesn't have to be blood-related.”

Nelly shares how she too felt the need to reach out to family members for support, saying “In the beginning, I was under the impression that I was supposed to have a village. So, I just tried to follow what everybody told me was supposed to happen.”

But in the end, “those people created more stress than just us raising these children ourselves.”

@nnelly.co ♬ original sound - .

After finding it easier to manage her three kids of various ages and social activities alone, she has come to the conclusion that “blood villages,” as she calls them, aren’t all that, primarily because they “come with stipulations.”

“I'd rather pay for childcare. I'd rather turn to my friends. The village is not for everyone. I'm pretty sure the village is on its way out. What parenting really takes is sacrifice, a lot of your time and money and energy and love. You don't need a village,” she concludes.

Down in the comments, people were quick to agree with Nelly’s take.

“Gen X here and did not have a village. I homeschooled and had a husband who traveled,” one person wrote.

Another added, “My village has always been just me and my husband. Its been tough at times, but I wouldn't’ have it any other way.”

Still another said, “I could not do parenting without my village (mostly not blood related).” Nelly clarified her intention in her response to this comment, saying “I’m sure a lot of people feel this way .I’m only saying it’s not a requirement of parenting and you can choose not to have one OR choose who it is.”

And this is the real point to probably drive home here. Yes, it’s true that having a village can make raising a family easier. And yes, there are many barriers preventing folks from getting this kind of support, but that’s its own conversation. At the end of the day, so many parents have proven time and time again that they are not necessary. So while every situation is different, perhaps this conversation can help village-less parents feel a little less discouraged, and remind them that whatever village they do end up creating, it doesn’t have to include members who don’t offer real support.

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Parenting

Dave Ramsey is caught off guard by the exorbitant cost of daycare when caller asks for advice

"I mean, are they going to Harvard?"

Photo of Dave Ramsey|Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons – Photo of daycare|Yan Krukau via Canva

Financial expert Dave Ramsey caught off guard by today's cost of childcare

Dave Ramsey is a financial guru who is famous for creating the "envelope method" to help stay on a budget and pay off debt. Churches across America have had him come in and help their congregation with becoming debt free, so it's safe to say he's built a solid following.

People generally find his advice really helpful and swear by his methods. But in a recent episode of his podcast, The Ramsey Show, it would appear the price of daycare in America might have proven to be a bit out of his depth. A caller sought Ramsey's show out for help to figure out how to save money as he and his wife have found themselves in a cycle of borrowing money to make ends meet.

Ramsey is confused when he learns the caller makes approximately $180K a year but the confusion turns to bewildered when the man explains childcare eats up $80k annually.

Once the man adds in student loan payments, mortgage and basic living expenses, the couple struggles. Ramsey nor his cohosts seem to understand how or why the family pays that much for two children to attend daycare. The financial guru even tosses out that the couple should "find free summer camps." Ramsey's suggestions were so inaccessible that parents flocked to the comments to tell him that he may need to sit this one out.

The cost of childcare is directly related to the cost of living in the state in which you reside. Generally childcare is cheaper in southern states, but even though this is true, daycare for my child averaged just under $14K per year in the state of North Carolina. This wasn't the fanciest daycare in the small town we lived in at the time, but it was safe and developmentally appropriate, both things that were important to me and my husband. The price tag was also for one child and did not include extended care hours.

@daveramsey
This couple is spending $80,000 a year for child care. #childcare #daycare #moneytok

But the caller needed extended care and was paying for two children to attend the childcare facility. A 2022 annual report from Care.com reveals that 67% of parents spend 20% or more of their household income on childcare costs. This is staggering when compared to the 7% the US Department of Health and Human Services says marks the affordable threshold.

Care.com ranked Washington D.C. as the most expensive place for daycare, parents of infants pay about $419 per week for one child, while in Arkansas, parents can expect to pay $129 per week for daycare. The idea of free summer camp would be laughable if it wasn't something families desperately need. But Ramsey must not be aware that there isn't a such thing as free summer camp unless you qualify for a low income subsidy program. The lower cost summer programs are still pretty pricy, especially if you have more than one child and others only offer child care for a few hours.

It's no wonder parents had a lot to say, some making their own videos to show the financial consultant exactly how parents spend large quantities of money on childcare.

"Dave Ramsey should get on three-way calls with childcare facilities to find his callers cheaper alternatives," one person writes.

"Free summer camp?! Where? We even had to pay a few hundred for half-day day camp at the YMCA for my kid," another commenter questions.

"I’m in Massachusetts and the average around us is $400-500 per kid per week for full time daycare. It’s not affordable," one mom explains.

@sheisapaigeturner
There is a childcare crisis in our country. The cost of childcare is astronomical. The cost of childcare is typically the biggest financial burden for a family with young children. The cost of childcare is rising at a faster rate than any other expense for families. People like Dave, pretending that this isn’t happening is wild to me because it is documented that this is indeed the cost of daycare. Dave should not be giving advice unless he’s well-versed in the topic. ##daveramsey##childcarecrisis##childcare ##daycare##daycarelife##millennialmom##workingmom

Paige, a mom that lives in Massachusetts took to social media to explain that it did in fact cost $20K-$26K a year in her state to send a child to daycare. In the caption of her video she explains in part, "There is a childcare crisis in our country. The cost of childcare is astronomical. The cost of childcare is typically the biggest financial burden for a family with young children. The cost of childcare is rising at a faster rate than any other expense for families."

Maybe this is news to Ramsey, but to people raising children outside of rural areas, the cost of the caller's childcare makes sense. There is a childcare crisis in America and many parents are finding themselves in an insurmountable hardship with seemingly no end in sight.

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Parenting

Mom's hot take on the concept of 'it takes a village' has people nodding in agreement

She's not wrong.

@thehindirlanefamily/TikTok

The village comes with a price tag.

“It takes a village to raise a child.” First it was an African proverb, then a mainstream phrase to convey the indisputable fact that raising a child is no solo job. But now, in a time where mothers are left by and large without a community (save for maybe the countless online parent groups), that expression seems synonymous with a bygone era.

But the thing is—while the times have changed, the necessity of support has not. Which leaves many frustrated mothers wondering where to turn.

One mom is going viral for bluntly telling it like it is: The village is still there, but now it comes at a price.

The woman, Chancè Hindirlane, had stitched another mom’s TikTok video urging others to stop telling moms “it takes a village” when they essentially don’t have one.

Hindirlane responded by saying, “What we need to do is start telling mothers that the village is no longer free.” Therefore, part of the family planning process needs to go into building one.

“We need to start telling future mothers to financially plan ahead for their village. Plan ahead for a nanny. Plan ahead for a housekeeper. Plan ahead for a meal prep. Plan ahead for a postpartum care nurse,” she says.

And it’s not just support staff women should be thinking ahead about. They should also be taught from a young age to look for partners who are willing to take on the responsibilities of parenthood and able to divide labor equally.

“We need to start telling future mothers to pick their partner wisely. Not only pick a man who wants kids, but pick a man who also wants to be a father. We need to start telling them to talk about the division of labor super early on in their relationship.”

No, moms are not meant to do it all alone. But in order to get the help they need, Hindirlane attests, they’ll have to adapt with the times. This is perhaps a little daunting, given how expensive the cost of living already is, but it’s still valuable insight and hard to argue with.

Bottom line: There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Or a free village. So plan accordingly.

Hindirlane’s words struck a chord with hundreds of viewers, many of whom had also witnessed this shift.

“I was a nanny/household manager and it really taught me how insane it is to expect a mom to do it alone,” shared one person.

"'The village is not free’ took my breath away. Nothing is truer. Had I known sooner, I absolutely would’ve planned differently,” added another.

One viewer suggested that couples should “cut back on wedding expenses” and instead get counseling as partners for financial planning. Not only is that a solid point but it also illuminates the collective shift away from certain traditions in favor of decisions that feel more practical, partially out of new ways of thinking and partially out of pure necessity.

Of course, one cannot always simply plan their way out of a faulty financial system. Childcare can range from $5,357 to $17,171, depending on the child’s age and where a family lives, despite childcare staff receiving some of the lowest wages in the country.

With each child accounting for 8% and 19.3% of a family’s income, many are simply priced out and many mothers are forced to stay at home because they’d only be working to afford childcare. Clearly not a winning scenario.

While what should be done systematically to improve these conditions for families is a whole ‘nother conversation, it is a good reminder that a thought-out plan is never a bad thing.

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childcare costs

Mom argues that parents actually 'don't need a village' for raising their kids

Especially when “those people create more stress than just us raising these children ourselves.”

Dave Ramsey is caught off guard by the exorbitant cost of daycare when caller asks for advice

"I mean, are they going to Harvard?"

Mom's hot take on the concept of 'it takes a village' has people nodding in agreement

She's not wrong.

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