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Meet a mom who takes care of people's babies while they make huge parenting decisions.

This is what it's like to be an 'interim parent.'

Black and white photo of woman looking into a baby carrier
Photo by Stacey Natal/Total City Girl used with permission.

Jillian, “...my heart skips a beat."


I'm trying desperately to be respectful of the person speaking to me, but my husband keeps texting me.

First he sends me a selfie of him with Rafi*, then it's an account of who stopped him on his way into the NICU.

Then, he suggests I take a selfie with Jillian* so he can post them side-by-side on Facebook and boast that we finally have two babies.

People will ask if they're twins, I'm sure. But they're not twins. In fact, the babies aren't even ours.

Man and woman each holding a baby

James' dream come true: Two babies! Rafi in the NICU with Tatte, Jillian at home with Eema.

Photo by Ann Lapin, used with permission.

I take care of these babies because I'm what's known as an "interim parent."

Two young girls with a laptop, bottles, and a baby.

Over the past four years, my family has cared for 22 newborns.

Photo by Ann Lapin, used with permission.

The program I'm part of is rare; there are very few like it in the United States.

While the babies are in my care, the birth parents retain their legal rights as parents and are encouraged to visit their babies (if that's something they would like).

Three children hold a baby

My three kids with our baby before he meets his forever mommy.

Photo by Ann Lapin, used with permission.

If they weren't in the care of interim moms like me, these tiny babies might wait in the hospital a few extra days while their adoptions are finalized—or they might enter the foster care system.

In New York and most states, biological parents have 30 days after adoption proceedings begin to change their minds about their placement plan.

I became an interim parent when a local mom posted about it on our neighborhood Yahoo! group.

"That! THAT I can do!" I thought, as I looked at the computer screen.

I was thrilled. I felt incapable of doing other types of volunteer work, but I felt like I had finally found a community service that I could perform. So, my husband and I applied. And after months of doctor appointments, background checks, interviews, and letters of reference from close friends, we were accepted.

Woman with three children pushes an empty a stroller

We left the adoption agency with an empty stroller — but it didn't stay that way for long!

Photo by Stacey Natal/ Total City Girl, used with permission.

The hope with the interim boarding care program is that biological parents have time to gain clarity about their decisions without pressure.

It also helps adoptive parents feel secure in their status as parents.

The children don't usually get the chance to be present when one of our babies goes home, so this was a special day. Roughly 30% of the babies I've cared for have returned to their biological parents after their stay with me, and the rest have been adopted. Many of the birth mothers I've known have pursued open adoptions, selecting and meeting their child's forever families.

People often ask me what the experience of interim parenting is like, but there's no rule: Each case is different.

Babies stay with us, on average, for a few weeks. But one baby stayed with us with five days, another for nine and a half weeks.

Whatever the scenario, my family and I are available to care for these babies until they go home ... wherever "home" may be.

Woman looks into a baby carrier

This work can be emotionally challenging, too.

Photo by Stacey Natal/Total City Girl used with permission.

This work can be emotionally challenging, too. Some biological parents do not interact with us at all while they're making big decisions, and some end up being very involved. Some text regularly, requesting photos and updates on the baby while the baby is in our care. Sometimes they schedule weekly visits with the babies. One birth mom became such a constant in our life that my son asked if we could bake her cookies.

I am often blown away by the biological parents' gratitude.

Melody* was one of the most beautiful babies I'd ever cared for, and I met her parents a couple of times. When they came to take her home, it was as though she was the only one in the room. When they thanked me for taking care of her, my lip started to quiver.

I had also never met Jibraan's dad, either, when I placed him in his arms the day they went home together. "From the bottom of my heart ... I can't tell you what you've done for me," he said. I remember that he towered over me, the size of a linebacker, clenching his jaw to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks.

Woman smiling on the phone

Big smiles and on the phone.

Photo by Stacey Natal/Total City Girl, used with permission.

When I wave goodbye to the social workers at the agency after introducing each baby to their forever family, I always wonder how long it will be before I get to hold another baby.

I don't get attached to each baby, per se. But I get attached to having a baby, to taking care of a baby. I resent my empty arms, and I feel like I've lost my purpose. So each time I see the adoption agency's phone number pop up on caller ID, my heart skips a beat.

When the voice on the other end says, "Hi, Ann ... are you ready to take another baby?" my first thought is, "Baby! I'm getting a BABY!" That excitement lasts for at least 48 hours.

But even as the adrenaline calms down and the sleepless nights begin to take their toll, the experience of caring for each baby proves to be more than enough motivation for me to keep going.

The emotions that swell when my babies go home with any parent—their adoptive parents or their birth parents—are not just because of the emptiness I feel in my arms or even because of the happiness I have for my babies and their families.

The emotions I feel are because of the fullness in my heart and the gratitude I have for being a part of each of these babies' stories, even if it's just for a moment.


This article was written by Ann Lapin and originally appeared nine years ago.

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Land O’Lakes and Clove are filling the nation’s food banks with much-needed butter and shoes

Land O’Lakes and Clove are teaming up to bring comfort to communities in need.

True

Food banks are a community staple for millions of Americans. Not only do they provide nutritional assistance to low-income families, they’re also often one of the few places where people can get non-food essentials like diapers, toiletries, paper towels, clothing and more. For the 44 million people in the United States facing food insecurity, pantries can literally be a lifeline.

But that lifeline is at risk. Food pantries rely on donations, both from individuals and government programs, to stay stocked. Rising poverty levels and budget cuts mean that food pantries sometimes can’t meet the demands of their communities—and as a result, families go without.

No person should struggle for basic needs—which is why Land O’Lakes is teaming up with Clove in the name of comfort ahead of the 2025 holiday season.

Comfort, meet comfort.

A partnership between a farmer-owned cooperative and a modern footwear brand might seem like an unusual pairing. But the reality is that both organizations provide things that are enjoyable and much needed for American families.

You might be surprised to learn, for example, that dairy is one of the most requested but least-donated items at food banks around the nation. From a nutritional lens, dairy is a source of high-quality protein that provides 3 of 4 nutrients—calcium, potassium and vitamin D—that low-income households are at risk of missing from their diets.

But on a larger scale, dairy provides comfort. Items like butter, milk and cream are in high demand, particularly around the end of the year since so many families use these items for baking holiday treats. And while shoes can be stylish gifts, they’re also a basic necessity for hardworking frontline workers who provide care for others and spend hours on their feet. In fact, 96 million people in the U.S. spend their work shift standing.

"We are so excited to collaborate with Clove Shoes and take a moment to celebrate the color of the moment, but also our everyday favorite, butter yellow," said Heather Anfang, president of Land O'Lakes Dairy Foods. "As a company who shares our values of community, hard work and comfort, we are thrilled for the launch of their shoe but also for our shared donation to those in need in an important area for our two brands in Philadelphia."

Meaningful giving when people need it most

Together, the organizations have donated dozens of sneakers and more than 3,750 pounds of butter to Philabundance, one of the largest food banks in Philadelphia and part of Feeding America’s nationwide network of food banks, pantries, and meal programs. As they team up to donate needed supplies, they’re also helping families feel nourished—inside and out—ahead of the cold winter months.

"As a Philadelphia-based brand, we’re proud to give back to the community we call home—nourishing our city and supporting those who care every day," shares Jordyn Amoroso, Co-founder and CBO. Clove has also gifted 88 shoes to the students enrolled at Philabundance Community Kitchen: a free, life-changing workforce development program run by Philabundance.

At a time when so many are stretched thin and families are moving into the holiday season facing food insecurity, collaborations like these can provide an unexpected value—a chance to revitalize local communities, to nourish families, and show how comfort can take many different forms.

Learn more about this unexpected partnership here.

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27 English words people have a hard time enunciating properly, even native speakers

"The word I notice people struggle with is 'vulnerable'. Something about that N following an L is tricky."

Image via Canva/Povozniuk

English words that are difficult to enunciate.

The English language is hard to master, even for native speakers. With over an estimated one million words in the language, not only are English words hard to memorize—they can be hard to properly pronounce and enunciate. Getting tripped up with pronunciation can make your communication unclear, or worse—make you sound uneducated.

As American English teacher Vanessa explains, many mispronounced words are common and used in daily conversation due to tricky consonants and vowels in English words. But by knowing the proper pronunciation, it can help you become a more confident speaker, which is why she shared 33 words that are hard for English language learners to pronounce, such as "probably," "drawer," and "sixth."

On the subreddit r/words, a person posed the question: "What's a word you've noticed many native English speakers have difficulty enunciating even though the word is used fairly often?"

Turns out, there are a menagerie of words people notoriously stumble over. These are 27 English words that people say are the hardest to enunciate.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Tricky 'R' words

"The word I notice people struggle with is 'vulnerable'. Something about that N following an L is tricky." - common_grounder

"Rural." - Silent-Database5613

“'Nucular' for nuclear." - throwawayinthe818

"Remuneration v renumeration (first one is correct)." - RonanH69

"February. It sounds like you're pronouncing it like it's spelled Febuary. But it's spelled February." - SDF5-0, ShadedSpaces

"Mirror. Some people pronounce it 'meer'." - weinthenolababy, diversalarums

"Anthropomorphize is a word I have to use semi-frequently with limited success each attempt." - ohn_the_quain

"I can’t say the phrase 'rear wheel' without considerable effort." - ohn_the_quain

"Eraser (erasure, but they're talking about the pink rubber thing)." - evlmgs

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Multiple syllables

"Exacerbated vs exasperated." - SNAFU-lophagus

"'Asterisk'. A lot of people wind up inadvertently name-checking Asterix. I think it's best for those who struggle to use the alternative name for that punctuation mark, the 'Nathan Hale', after the American patriot who famously declared, 'I can only regret that I have but one asterisk for my country!'" - John_EightThirtyTwo

"I realized recently I have always mispronounced mischievous. It's mis-chiv-us, not mis-chee-vee-us. I don't know if I've ever heard anyone pronounce that correctly." - callmebigley"

'Supposebly' [supposedly]. Drives me up the wall." - BlushBrat

"Library. My coworker knows I hate it, so he’ll say Liberry every time." - Jillypenny"ET cetera, not 'ect' cetera. I think people are used to seeing the abbreviation etc and since there is no diphthong tc in English their mind bends it into ect." - AdFrequent4623

"The amount of people who say Pacific when they're trying to stay specific is pretty alarming. I'm not even sure if they know it's a different word sometimes." - Global-Discussion-41

"Then there was my old boss who would confidently and consistently use the word tenant when he meant tenet." - jaelith"

"Probably." - Rachel_Silver

"Contemplate. It's one of those word I hear people stumble over more than anything, often it comes out as Comtemplate, Contempate or a combination of both." - megthebat49

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Foods

"Turmeric. People drop the first R. It drives me nuts!" - Jillypenny

"Oh, and it’s espresso, no X [ex-presso]." - Jillypenny

"Also cardamom with an N." - nemmalur

"Pumpkin (punkin)." - evlmgs

espresso, espresso gif, sipping espresso, espresso drink, drinking espresso sipping modern family GIF Giphy

Awkward vowels

"Crayon 👑. My ex pronounced it 'cran'. Drove me up a wall." - rickulele, premeditatedlasagna

'Mute' for moot. A good friend of mine, who's extremely intelligent and articulate otherwise, says that. Unfortunately, it's a word she likes to use. I haven't had the heart to tell her she's pronouncing it incorrectly, and it's been three decades." NewsSad5006, common_grounder

"Jewelry." - weinthenolababy

"I hear grown adults calling wolves woofs and they're not doing it to be funny." - asexualrhino

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Burnout expert’s 11 rapid-fire questions reveal why Millennials feel so 'lazy'

"Well, this is both specific and accurate."

via Canva/Photos

A woman dealing with burnout.

A recent poll found that Millennials are the generation most likely to suffer from workplace burnout. A poll by Seramount, a global talent services firm, found that 67% of American workers report at least one symptom of burnout, and it's hitting younger workers hardest. Over 70% of Millennials (77%) and Gen Zers (72%) experience at least one burnout symptom, compared to Gen X (62%) and Boomers (32%).

Why is it that burnout hits Millennials so much harder than even its younger cohorts? “Millennials already weathered several seasons of significant turmoil during their relatively short careers, from the Great Recession to the COVID-19 pandemic,” said Diana Forster, Senior Director of Qualitative Research at Seramount. “Now, many are in mid-level management roles with increased responsibilities, intensifying stress and burnout.”


Why do Millennials suffer from burnout?

Dr. Sarah Nicholls, a former emergency room doctor and current life coach specializing in burnout, laid out the reasons why Millennials feel so "lazy" by asking herself 11 rapid-fire questions.

@drsarahnicholls

it's a mystery 🤷‍♀️ Find the full 'am I lazy or am I burnt out' video on my youtube channel

The rapid-fire questions asked by Dr. Nicholls included some textbook symptoms of burnout:

"Do you work an incredibly demanding job?"

"Have you been working through your lunch break and finishing late every day?"

"Do you say yes anytime someone asks you for a favor?"

"Have you been thinking about work all the time and feel like you never really get a chance to switch off?"

"Do you have loads of unread messages from friends and family, and now you feel like a bad friend on top of everything else because you don’t have the energy to read and reply?"

The vast majority of commenters on the video thought that Dr. Nicholls was spot on in her description of why Millennials feel so burnt out and lazy these days. “Well, this is both specific and accurate,” lifewithtedanddougal wrote. “Where’d you get that footage of me on the sofa?” Heather Annie added.

burnout, millennial, work, tired, lazy, office A woman dealing with burnout.via Canva/Photos


How to prevent burnout

Many Millennials are burned out because they don’t feel they can keep up with their professional and social obligations. Dr. Molly Moore says the first step someone dealing with burnout can take is to start setting boundaries. Dr. Moore, a licensed psychologist with over 10 years of experience in mental health and wellness currently has a virtual private practice specializing in working with high-achieving women who experience anxiety, imposter syndrome, and burnout.

“Setting boundaries can be hard for many of my high-achieving clients who thrive off feeling productive and getting recognition. But burnout can stem from a lack of boundaries in our personal and professional lives. Boundaries can help high-achieving folks be more present and thrive in both their personal and professional lives,” Dr. Moore told Upworthy. “Some examples of boundaries may look like: not answering emails or taking work calls after hours, communicating clearly about your capacity and response time, delegating tasks that you do not have time or space for, utilizing their PTO (most of my clients have LOTS of PTO time that they have trouble utilizing), and taking multiple short breaks during the day.”

burnout, millennial, work, tired, lazy, office A woman dealing with burnout.via Canva/Photos

How to recover from burnout

For those dealing with burnout and looking to regain their energy, Dr. Sarah Boss from The Balance Rehab Clinic says you have to be intentional about rebuilding your resilience.

“You can’t eliminate stress, but you can train your system to recover from it. That means prioritizing proper sleep, balanced nutrition, daily movement, and moments of genuine downtime. I often talk about mindful rest—consciously choosing to pause and recharge instead of collapsing from exhaustion. It’s about actively scheduling recovery, whether that’s a walk, sitting in the sun, or simply being present with yourself. If you learn to regulate your stress response daily, burnout becomes far less likely,” Boss told Upworthy. “Most people wait until they have 'time' to recover, and that’s the myth that causes burnout in the first place. We can’t wait for space to appear to regulate ourselves; we have to build it into our daily schedule.”

It can feel impossible to balance work and career when there are so many demands on your energy and attention. But our experts believe that with a little work, anything is possible. Setting boundaries and allowing for recovery time can help you navigate this stressful time by cultivating greater focus and energy.

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Man uses the shoe aisle to perfectly explain why middle-class Americans are hurting

The "garbage shoes" helped him demonstrate his point brilliantly.

Photo credit: Canva

Remember things being built to last?

Unfortunately, most Americans are well aware of shrinkflation, where food companies reduce the sizes of their products while the price remains the same at the grocery store. You see this in fast food restaurants when you pick up a burger and feel like your hand has grown a few inches, and at the supermarket when you buy a box of cookies, it weighs less than it did a few weeks ago. Companies use this strategy when they think you’ll be less likely to notice a dip in quantity than a hike in the price.

We see something similar in the world of retail, particularly fast fashion. Fast fashion offers cheaper garments made from low-quality materials that last about as long as the trend does, so people can throw them away and buy the next hot thing. This can be a real problem because fast fashion harms the environment and leads to exploitative labor practices. And the tough part is—even for the most conscious of consumer, it's hard to escape from.

Here's a prime example of what this looks like in the real world. A few months ago, a TikTokker named Tom (@SideMoneyTom), popular for making videos about consumer products, went viral for a video where he called out shoe manufacturers for dropping their quality while keeping prices high. “So many of you guys want to shoot the messenger, but look, it's not my fault shoes are made out of Styrofoam and oil now,” Tom says in a TikTok with over 528,000 views. “It's literally every shoe you look at now. It's not even just the cheap ones. I can find hundred dollar plus pairs of shoes all day long with glue squeezing out of their Styrofoam cracks.”

@sidemoneytom

Replying to @Oscar Magaña shoes are done #fyp #shoes #foryou

Tom notes that recently, shoes have been made with foam soles instead of rubber. Both have pros and cons. Foam is a little more comfortable, but rubber lasts a lot longer. Rubber shoes keep shape and support over time and are much more durable. Conversely, foam shoes compress over time, losing their support and comfort. When companies sell cheaper shoes that wear out more quickly, they make much more money because you must keep replacing them.

In the video, Tom adds that many companies that used to have shoes made with rubber heels, such as Carhartt and Timberland, have switched to foam. This is an interesting choice for brands that pride themselves on selling durable products.

Cora Harrington, a writer and lingerie expert, says that companies aren't entirely to blame. Americans don’t want to pay higher prices. “People don’t exactly want to pay more for all that stuff,” Harrington told Vox. "So what has to happen if everything is more expensive and the customers still want to pay the same price, something has to be cut and that’s often going to be the quality of the garment.”

“There is an entire generation of consumers at this point that doesn’t actually know what high-quality clothing feels like and looks like,” Harrington continues. “It gets easier, I think, for consumers to just not know any better.”

@sidemoneytom

Replying to @donkles #shoes #fyp #sketchers #nike

Many commenters have noticed the decline in shoe quality and praised Tom for pointing it out. "I am so happy I’m not the only one who is baffled by shoes being made of styrofoam and then being upcharged for them," one commenter wrote. "When shoes started being named some version of 'Air Light Cloud float,' my thought was it was because they went from quality rubber to cheap foam and less materials,” another commenter added.

Tom believes the decline in shoe quality is an example of a more significant trend affecting American consumers' products: quality is decreasing while prices remain the same. “The quality of everything is going to hell, and the prices are going up," Tom concludes his video. "The problem is, so many of us have just become used to it that we keep buying it, and we basically allow them to dumb down the quality of everything. Everything in our lives. These shoes are just the tip of the iceberg. Start thinking about it in your life. What are you gonna allow to be garbage quality?"

This article originally appeared in March. It has been updated.

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Grandma gives 'one reason' grandparents are pulling away. Parents say it's not that simple.

"There's bad grandparents and there's bad parents."

Photo credit: Canva

Parenting coach and grandma says unruly kids, enabled by parents, are fracturing families.

Being a parent isn't easy. Being a grandparent isn't easy. Apparently, one of the hardest jobs of all is each of them trying to get along with the other in a modern family. Conflict between parents and grandparents is nothing new, but it certainly feels like Millennials and Boomers are having an extremely hard time seeing eye to eye in many families.

Parenting coach and grandmother Jane Farano has a theory about why many grandparents are pulling away and engaging less with their grandkids. She says it comes down to "one reason."

"Anyone noticing this trend of the younger generation wanting nothing to do with grandparents?" Farano asks in a recent social media video.

She says grandparents reach out to her all the time and say that they're in pain. They don't feel close to their grandchildren or valued in their families.

"I’m seeing more and more grandparents who don’t want to spend time with their grandkids. Yes, there are many reasons for that—distance, health, family tension—but sometimes it’s deeper. Sometimes, it’s because the behavior of the grandchildren has become unbearable. And that’s not judgment—it’s exhaustion," she writes in the caption on Instagram.

"I'll be up front with you," Farano continues, narrating the video. "Parents, are you raising your kids in a way that their behavior is so bad that your grandparents are struggling to want to be around them?"

Those are strong words. But Farano's goal isn't necessarily to shame, rather it's to help families work through the issues that may be keeping them from a better, more loving connection—even if her message comes off a little harsh.

Farano's video caused a major stir, piling up over two million views on Facebook and nearly three million on Instagram. Her words, quite clearly, struck a nerve with both parents and grandparents alike.

Many viewers actually agreed with Farano's controversial observations, pointing to "gentle parenting" and helicopter parenting approaches, along with plentiful screen time, that they claim create anxious and rude kids. It's not just grandparents who see it that way, either. Teachers are quitting the profession in droves and worsening student behavior is one of the leading causes, and it's been documented that kids today have more trouble regulating their emotions and behaviors.

"My dad and his wife struggle to see my brothers kids because his wife has so many rules for them to even see the kids, and she has to be there, and they walk on eggshells with her," one Instagram commenter noted.

"The old fashioned stuff worked now we have a bunch of disrespectful kids that don’t want to be told to do anything," another added.

A grandmother on Facebook, Aleisha Knowles, shared her own heartbreaking story of struggling to connect with her granddaughter: "When I pick her up from her mom, my granddaughter (7) always acts like she doesn’t like me at all. It ... takes several hours for her to not be sassy or rude, but once we get to my house she remembers what is expected of her (show respect, please and thank you, etc.) then we have a great time with so much love. ... [But] when I drop her off, she is back to acting like she doesn’t like me or I annoy her. I don’t get my feelings hurt anymore and I’ve learned to get my hug and say goodbye before we leave for our drive back to her mom. I struggled with it the last few years thinking that she really doesn’t like to be around me, but I just follow her lead and know what to expect. But it can be hard on this Granny’s heart."

grandparents, boomers, boomer grandparents, parenting, dads, moms, kids, family, conflict Grandparents say kid's behavior is getting worse. Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

Many grandparents echoed the same sentiment: Kids who are aloof, distracted by phones, rude, or disinterested in spending time together make it difficult for them to get more involved. However, one big and obvious question looms: Isn't this just what kids have always been like?

Many of the current generation of parents, especially the Gen Xers, were famously known as "latchkey kids." Their parents spent little time with them and they were often left to fend for themselves. There are jokes, memes, and reenactments galore of young Gen X kids coming home from school to an empty house with instructions to make themselves dinner and do some chores.

So, maybe the current crop of Boomer grandparents has unrealistic expectations of what it's really like to try to spend time with a hormonal, immature, unpredictable kid.

"This generation of grandparents dropped their kids off at their parents house so they didn’t have to deal with their children- they just don’t like children," one commenter wrote.

"It often feels like the boomer generation struggles to see the good we're trying to do for our kids and the cycles we're trying to break. Admitting fault isn't easy, but knowing better should lead to doing better. Unfortunately, that self-reflection can be tough when everything feels personal," said another.

It's also worth noting that about one in five American children are neurodivergent, which frequently comes with a host of minor and major behavior problems. Parents today are armed with far better diagnostics and way more information and training on how to manage a kid with special needs. It's safe to say that a lot of grandparents were never taught how to handle children with autism, ADHD, OCD, and more—and some are even skeptical of the diagnoses themselves.

grandparents, boomers, boomer grandparents, parenting, dads, moms, kids, family, conflict Despite the narratives, there are a lot of grandparents out there that have healthy, loving relationships with the grandkids. Photo by Isaac Quesada on Unsplash

Farano's post, however, also brought out many beautiful stories of families that have managed to navigate these conflicts and make it all work. Grandparents who step in to care for children while the parents work, and who are included and honored and valued for their wisdom and help. That's the goal we're all working toward.

Many families can get there with better communication. Niloufar Esmaeilpour, a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Founder at Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre recommends a family meeting where "each person has a turn to speak without interruption. Grandparents can inform everyone about what behaviors they find hurtful or frustrating, and parents can explain the reasoning behind modern disciplinary methods or rules within the home."

It may not solve everything, but when these frustrations are kept unsaid, all parties get resentful and that's really when the family units begin to fracture.

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Happiness expert shares blunt advice for empty nesters: Stop smothering your college aged kids

This tough love advice comes from happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin.

@theholdernessfamily/Instagram

Gretchen Rubin blew some parents' minds by saying they only need calls once a week.

If you’re a parent of a college student, you’re all-too familiar with that strange, bittersweet ache that shows up once the house gets quiet.

Yes, everything stays cleaner for longer. Yes, there’s FINALLY peace in a way you always said you wanted. And yet, in that newly found space…you feel the tug of longing.

Despite being incredibly proud that your child is out there building a life that’s truly their own, it’s impossible not to miss those small, ordinary, yet oh-so precious moments: the casual check-ins, the “what’s for dinner” texts, the sound of them coming home.

You hope that a phone call—or two, or seven—each week might help fill that void. And when those calls get fewer and farther between…torture. Pure torture.

And as it turns out, according to happiness expert and author Gretchen Rubin, that distance can actually be a healthy sign of growth for both parent and child. In fact, in a recent episode of the Laugh Lines podcast, Rubin told hosts Kim and Penn Holderness that when it comes to keeping in touch with your college-aged kids, once a week is plenty.

If hearing this left you aghast, you’re not alone. Many parents, including Kim and Penn, were shook.

“That…was a dagger,” said Penn. Meanwhile, Kim just let out a gut wrenching “AGGGGGH.”

But Rubin’s tough love advice is rooted in compassion and sound reasoning. The first few months away from home can be overwhelming. College students are balancing classes, friendships, self-discovery, and, for the first time, life without a built-in safety net. Sometimes, fewer calls aren’t a sign of disconnection. They’re merely a sign of your kid adjusting to a new life. And pretty well too, if they’re not having to call home every minute of every day.

That said, Rubin added that, “I think if you have a communicative child, that’s wonderful.”

For those times when the calls do happen, Rubin encouraged parents to “keep it positive” and avoid what she calls “interviewing for pain.’” In other words, those well-meaning questions that come from love but land a little heavy.

Examples:

“Are you still fighting with your roommate all the time?”

“Is the food still bad?”

“How's that working out with all those girls sharing one bathroom?”

Rubin explains that these kinds of questions can make kids relive the rough parts instead of focusing on what’s going right. She argues that parents can do more good by guiding the conversations towards small wins, curiosity, and joy.

empty nest, kids in college, parents, parenting, holderness family, gretchen rubin, college, parenting advice It's not an empty nest. It's an open door. Photo credit: Canva

Her wisdom goes even deeper. “Sometimes parents will say, ‘I’m so sad, but they’re so happy. They’re having so much fun.’ But even that,” she said, “is a lot of pressure for a child to feel like, ‘Well, I have to be happy.’ Parents always say, ‘You’re only as happy as your least happy child,’ but I think for some children, ‘I’m only as happy as my least happy parent.’ And managing the happiness of a parent is very, very hard.”

Of course, other parents had mixed feelings about Rubin’s advice. Many admitted that they certainly did not live by that frequency.

“Once a weekkkkkkk. Hell no. I talked to my mom every day basically. I feel like that’s appropriate 😂”

“Once a week? Absolutely not. I’m in my 40’s and I talk to my mom every day.😂”

Still others brought up the fact that sometimes kids will avoid calling just when they need support the most.

“We text once a day. I require 1 FaceTime a week.. I have a son who’s 9 hours away. My first went 13 hours away and called weekly with amazing stories. I found out later when he was hospitalized due to anxiety that all his stories were lies to appease me.”

“Love Gretchen but on this I don’t agree. I’m the oldest. Someone told my mom to not call at all and wait for me to call them. Meanwhile at college, I was waiting for a call hoping someone missed me or was interested in my life at all…. I waited over 3 weeks for someone to call or ask ‘how are you?’ and it broke me…I would say it’s more important to know your child and just ask what they want or need.”

Understanding your child’s individual wants and needs is crucial, but Rubin’s essential message remains pretty universal: our kids shouldn’t have to carry the weight of our emotions while they’re figuring out their own. Letting them go doesn’t mean losing touch. It means trusting that love can hold steady across distance and time.

Whether it’s a once-a-week call, a once-a-month call, or a once-a-day call, remember that it’s more about maintaining a loving connection than about keeping tabs. It’s certainly no easy task, but kids need to know their parents are cheering them on from home, even when they’re too busy becoming themselves.

At the end of the day, parenting is an exercise in radical trust. Both of your child, and of yourself.

You can watch the full episode of the Laugh Lines podcast below:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

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